im depressed :(

[BumbleTumble]

this is going to be a little bit of a rant thread.

im just feeling very low, this new years was my first new year in 6 years that i wasnt going to be in a hospital of any sort, but this year, i was again, but physical this time. everything was fine, so happy about that. but still.

everything is getting on top of me, like im going to have to move at some point.
there is a possibitly that i will be able to stay here until im about 8 months if there are no complications, but i doubt that is likely if my care team are involved.
either way, i would have to move and its very stressful. i havnt been here long.

im feeling so depressed and emotional, and i know it sounds horrible, but im actually feeling suicidal again. but dont want to tell any of the staff here because im scared of social services taking away my baby (they will be involved)

im scared of being judged, when a MW or dr. has to do my blood pressure or a blood test, they will see all the horrible scars on my arms, and the ones on my legs.
and i dont want people to think that i will be a bad mother because i hurt myself. (trying to keep it under control)

with the first MW, she put me as high risk for 4 reasons, 3 of those were mental health related, one was even that i was diagnosed with schizophrenia when i was aged 15-18.
does that even matter now im 20?

i havnt felt any flutters today, which i have been getting for a couple of days. so im worried.

sorry, and thanks if you read all this rambling
xx

 

[masonowen]

sorry to hear your feeling low. Don,t worry that they'll judge you or want to take your baby away they are there to help you. Talk to them and let out your feelings it may help you feel better. As for the flutters, I wouldn't worry your still pretty early. I,m not really feeling much now, some days a have a few movements and others hardly any, but all is ok xx

 

[Maria1977]

Oh hun, massive

I won't pretend to know or understand anything about your situation, but I would like to think that all the health professionals that will be involved with your pregnancy and birth ofyour child are going to do their best to help you, not to judge you in any way. And if they do, they really shouldn't be doing the job.

Because a person has mental health issues (which most of society does to some degree), does not mean that they can't be a good, loving and caring parent.

I know it's easy for me to say, but try to focus on the positives hun. YOu have a little life inside you. My LO was moving loads, then stopped for a few days, but yesterday I head the HB again and even though still no movement I know s/he is just tucked right up inside and is fine. I'm sure the same goes for your LO too.

You know that you can rant here anytime and everyone here is a shoulder to lean on or cry on or to have laughs with.

Don't beat yourself up hun, you care about your baby that is so obvious, just focus on your LO and all the other stuff will eventually fall into place.

xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Loula]

the midwifes and doctors will definately not judge, they may ask you questions but dont feel uncomfortable as they have pretty much seen it all before.

you defo cant keep all this bottled up maybe you shoudl talk to some professionals, they will help and i really doubt they will take your baby away.

Also babies have quiet days and your stil so early so dont worry about flutters and things just yet am sure itsd all good, i still have quiet days and half the time i miss all movements and its not til after i think was that one xxxx

 

[BumbleTumble]

thanks everyone

not feeling much better today.
turns out i will have to see the MW on my own next week.
i dont have a partner, and my keyworker cant make it because of the time of shifts etc.

i tried to change the appointment time, but the MW is next in Monday at 8:30am, which is my appointment time.

ive run out of iron tablets too, supposed to be getting call from doctors between 12-2pm so they can do another prescription.
xx

 

[jacy90]

*big hugs* Sorry that ur feeling down Bumble...
Do you have anyone that could go with you? Maybe one of the girls you live with or someone else?
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but everything will turn out ok. When you hold your little one in your arms for the first time, your troubles will melt away *cheeeessseee* lol On a serious note, it will get better, and the healthcare professionals are not there to judge. Who gives a crap what they think anyway? You are the one that knows your history, your feelings, your thoughts and your abilities. There are loads of people out there that will take one look at someone and automatically form judgements - I think we probably all do it to an extent. But it doesn't matter. These people aren't that influential in your life, unless you let them be. And that's the trick - don't let them get to you hun, it's not worth it.
You're gonna be a brilliant mother - I can tell from our conversations on here. And social services will only take a child away as a last resort. Please try not to worry about all of this, the main thing is you keep yourself and your baby healthy, and deal with each thing as it comes - why worry when there's a big possibilty the thing you're worrying about won't happen?
I hope you're feeling better soon!! xxx