I should really be asleep...

[elviedee]

but as per usual at the moment, my mind is racing too much to even contemplate dreamland. Feels like I'm back to square one from where I was in october - can't eat and can't sleep. And no sleeping pills left.

I'm going to my OH's nan's funeral tomorrow, it's down in london and we're up in staffordshire, so got to be up at 5:30am. I'm dreading going. I know funeral's are horrible anyway, but I can't stop thinking about how the last service I SHOULD have gone to would've been the memorial service for my ectopic pregnancy that the hospital would've done - but I opted out of being told when/where it was. And I know I'm gonna get completely emotional tomorrow because of it.

Course, I can't tell OH that that's the reason I'm moody and unbearable at the moment cos he's mourning the loss of his nana. And I'm just a horrible horrible person being like this when I should be comforting him and making sure he's ok. I'm trying my best but I find it hard to get enthusiastic about much nowadays, I feel like I've lost my lust for life.

I just feel like we're being driven apart by all the horrible things that have happened. And being back to TTC is really bloody hard, when we thought we'd finally got there it was just taken away from us. Christmas is hard too - Christmas day would've marked exactly halfway through my pregnancy. I'm making horrible comments about everything when I don't mean to. This evening, my dog managed to wag his tail right into the christmas tree and a bit fell off, cos it's drooping and we got it waaaaaaaaay too early. OH went mad cos I said "oh well, crap tree to go with a crap christmas".



sorry girlies, I don't expect replies just a bit of a rant

x

 

[Redshoes]

You're entitled to have feelings, even if they may seem to be inappropriate or badly timed, you're not bad for it, just normal, and you still are feeling life so don't worry about the lust part, it will return, you're going through a lot I can only imagine how hard it must be I'm sure speaking about it will help, if you can, talk to your OH, he will be remembering too, just maybe not showing it like you, I hope you can support each other through your losses sorry I wittered on, I don't know you, but do understand how hard it is to lose something loved, very best wishes

 

[Slinky Sarah]

i know how you feel chick. I went through a very very low point about 2 months after the loss and it lasted until just before the 5 month mark.
Christmas will be hard....even though its mine and OH's first christmas together,i would have been 32 weeks (ish). I cant stop thinking about how big my bump would be now, what i would have got for the baby etc.
My situation is different to yours though.....my baby was to an ex, and i have started to think that maybe it wasnt ment to be and it has brought me and OH together and now we can have OUR LO.
Sorry im rambling
Obviously the funeral today will make you think about your bean and anyone else lost.
How about doing a little memorial servive for just the two of you on xmas eve or something....light a candle etc. Might bring you together and give you bothe a chance to talk about how your both feeling. I really hope you can both get through this and Christmas isnt too bad for you xxxx
for you and your OH

 

[reallyoldmum]

Oh sweetheart dont beat yourself up - christmas is an awful time for putting pressure on people - but its only a day...... I keep on reminding myself that. There will be other christmases and so I am just thinking if I just paste a smile and go along for the ride next year will be so much easier....

Your OH will understand if you tell him - I am sure his Nana would be touched if you looked upon her funeral as a way of remembering your dearly wanted baby - perhaps you could take a couple of mintues through the day to ask her to look after the baby in the place they are now - I know I often speak to my Grandad who passed over 6 years ago - I feel he watches over us all but particularly my two children and I know he will be making sure my recently lost little one will be OK with him where ever that is.....

Anyway I hope you have got through the day OK and just take one day at a time - dont put too much pressure on yourself x x x x x x