I need to say how I feel

Discussion in 'First Trimester' started by catswiskers, Apr 23, 2016.

  1. catswiskers

    catswiskers Well-Known Member

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    ok so I should really be talking to my hubby about this but he's going through it as well.
    so as some of you already know our 4th darling child passed away at 6 days old. We had the awful task of deciding to remove life support which I regret every single day. On the 7th may its been a year since he was born.
    we have all been grieving so bad and it got to the point where our 3 other kids were struggling at school so I now home school them.
    in Dec we decided that trying for another baby would be good for us all, like a light at the end of a tunnel.
    I'm 7 weeks now and we are acting so much differently to what I thought we would.
    Me and my hubby NEVER talk about the baby and if one of us mentions it the other one will change the subject. I do the same if one of the kids mentions it, I will talk about something else.
    when we first found out my hubby said if its a girl we can call her Chloe because it rhymes with Joey (our angel) all I said was 'no' and left the room.
    it's not that we dont want the baby because we do, I know its because we are both scared to get excited in case the same thing happens.
    Not once can I even let myself imagine giving birth and then coming home with our little bundle of joy.
    I cant even think about the future when it comes to the baby.
    you see with Joey my 12 week scan was fine and so was my 20 week scan and at 26 weeks I had a massive bleed where my placenta came apart. It was so unexpected and sudden!
    me and joey nearly both died while I was in labour.
    it was the darkest time of our lives!
    the signs were always there that something wasn't right, I was spotting on and off from an early stage and as I got into the 20 weeks my Braxton hicks were pretty intense and I had a show at 25 weeks.
    I also feel guilty that im pregnant after we let Joey go!
    im sure as soon as I've had my first scan the excitement will come with it but I never expected to emotionally feel this way about the pregnancy after losing Joey.
    im just too scared to think positive. I guess I'm in the mindset where im expecting the worse but hoping for the best. I've had no signs that anything is wrong with the baby so fingers crossed for a happy healthy pregnancy.
    sorry for the long post but this is the first time I've spoke about it and I just needed to say it to someone xx
     
  2. babyslog

    babyslog Well-Known Member

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    Aw my gosh how devestating and heartbreaking :( !

    Im so sorry about Joey! But please don't blame yourself!

    Ive never lost a child so i really cant put myself in your shoes, but from what ive read everything your feeling sounds very normal!
    I dont blame you for being scared and nervous about getting excited. Like tou said u til half way through you had no reason not to worry before.

    But that doesn't mean it will happen again.
    Im sure this time you will be looked after and monitored alot more closely. I have every faith that you will get to the end of your pregnancy and get to bring home your baby.

    This baby isnt replacing Joey, and when it's older you can tell them all about how amazing their brother was :)


    I hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months. Congratulations xxxxx
     
  3. tootie

    tootie Well-Known Member

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    Hi lovely x you have been to hell and sounds like you are only halfway back x I can't imagine what you and your family have been through and your feelings are completely understandable. I can't tell you you to relax and that it will be fine, although I'm sure it will be. All I can suggest is that you don't give yourself a hard time for feeling this way. Just accept that this is how you feel and in time it will get better and it is perfectly ok for you to feel this way x you don't need to be putting more guilt onto yourself. We all support you here and have our fingers and toes crossed for you :hug: xx
     
  4. Rubyredslipper

    Rubyredslipper Well-Known Member

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    So sorry to hear. I can't imagine how you must be feeling but know you aren't alone.
    Don't keep it bottled up, you need to talk to someone to release it whether it's your husband and family or people on here. There's always someone who will listen! Big hugs x
     
  5. catswiskers

    catswiskers Well-Known Member

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    thanks girls. A minute ago my husband asked me what's been wrong with me lately, I said nothing I'm fine and he said is it Joey? I told him i dont want to talk about it at the moment but will later when the kids are in bed.
    I made the post on here asking people if they've made an announcement on fb yet because I've never been one to wait until 12 weeks before I've told people but this time round I just dont feel ready to tell people (the important close family members know but that's it) I don't know why I don't want anyone to know! When joey was in intensive care my dad started a fb group called team Joey and even now people are constantly joining the group out of respect so I guess I'm worried that people will forget Joey if they know we're having a rainbow baby.
    I suppose in my mind I'm keeping it from people out of respect for joey but I know he wouldn't want that.
    its his first birthday on the 7th may and his angelversary on the 13th May so once them dates have passed I think I might feel more positive x
     
  6. BunnyN

    BunnyN Well-Known Member

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    Your post brought tears to my eyes. I cant imagine how hard loosing joey was. You did every thing you could for him and made the best choices you knew how. I'm sure deciding to turn off life support was one of the hardest choices you ever made but that you made it thinking of the best for him.

    I think you need to try and talk to your OH. Bottling it up isnt good for you or you family. You did a wonderful job of explaining your feelings here, try and explain some of that to your husband. It sounds like he has been finding it hard too. You need each others support. If something specific is too hard to talk about instead of ignoring it or saying your fine, maybe just say "I'm not quite ready for that yet". At least it shows you are hurting and leaves it open for when you are ready.

    I agree that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. There is no right way of feeling after what you have been through. You will bond with the baby and feel more excited in time, you dont need to push it. Its been less than a year since joey and something like that takes time to work through. Some dates will always be especially hard. Maybe you could do something together as a family to remember Joey. It might help everyone feel like the new baby isnt making you forget him. Talking to other mums online who have been through something similar might help too. It might help you to feel more normal for feeling the way you do, I'm sure others have felt similar.
     
  7. Cherrybelly

    Cherrybelly Well-Known Member

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    I can't imagine what you're going through Hun, it must be so hard.

    With this pregnancy I couldn't talk about it for a long time as I'd had three losses in the past so couldn't get excited. I'm starting to dare to hope it might be ok now, but still haven't done a fb announcement (mainly out of respect for people who've had losses) and I don't talk about it much.

    I know it is by no means anything compared to what you've been through, but I just wanted you to know you weren't alone.

    I read somewhere that having another child is a compliment to the other kids, rather than an insult and that touched me. I think it's the same, even though one of your babies grew their wings. Big hugs and vent as much as you need to xxxx
     

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