I just need to let this all out

Discussion in 'Pregnancy After Loss' started by Jetina, Sep 18, 2019.

  1. Jetina

    Jetina Well-Known Member

    Mar 10, 2018
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    I'll start with a bit of backstory/history. I was pregnant with my first child nearly 12 years ago when I was 25, the pregnancy itself was fairly straightforward apart from being under a consultant because of my weight and being tested for diabetes numerous times (negative every time). However, my son was stillborn. On my due date I had gone in for a membrane sweep and was asked if I'd felt him move that day, but in hindsight I should have made sure she had done proper obs too, which she didn't despite marking on my record that she did. 3 days later (39+3) I called the hospital because I hadn't felt him move that day, they got me in after no movement after a cold drink and found no heartbeat. I was sent home, knowing that I was still carrying my dead son inside me, and had to go back in 2 days later to be induced for delivery. It was a horribly difficult labour, partly because he wasn't alive to help things, but also he was a whopping 10lb 13oz. I suffered a 4th degree tear and had reconstruction surgery to, you know, divide the two openings again. The post mortem basically said that the placenta had started to break down causing blood clots in his system. We always swore blind that their dates didn't match up with mine and that I was further along, so it's always been niggling away at me.

    I split from his daddy not long after and met my husband the next year. We've been trying on and off for several years, and it's only now, after going through the beginning stages of being referred for fertility treatment, that I've fallen pregnant. We're ecstatic about it, but it brings so many worries. Since getting my faint positive on Sunday I've been burning through tests to "double check" that I'm still pregnant, because it still doesn't feel real, even though the FRER I did today is clearly darker than the faint positive from Sunday. My doctor has managed to get me an early 6 week scan for piece of mind, but I'm scared that they'll find nothing and tell me I'm not pregnant after all, like it was all in my head or something I made up. Kinda like some sort of imposter syndrome (is that even a thing for pregnancy?).

    Then there's all the other worries. I'm 37 which I know makes the chance of miscarriage higher and because of my BMI I need to take a higher dose of folic acid. Also because of what happened last time, I'm to be treated as though I'm a diabetic mother, I'll need to give birth 2 weeks early, and I have no choice but to have a cesarean because of the damage down there.

    Thank you if you got through all this, I just needed to let it out somewhere without judgement, because I feel terrible for feeling this way, and I'm still struggling to believe that it's actually happening. I want so much for it to be real, this will be our miracle rainbow baby (hubby has ED), but it's difficult.
  2. chattychar1990

    chattychar1990 Well-Known Member

    Jul 25, 2018
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    Jetina - what you went through is absolutely heartbreaking and i can't ever imagine how you must of felt, or you are still feeling. You are such a strong woman <3
    I am absolutely over the moon for you that you have your bfp and i totally understand why you are feeling the way you do but you just got to try and be positive and imagine having your rainbow at the end of this.
    I know it is easier said than done but i really do believe in positive thoughts, brings positive things.
    Always here for a chat if you ever feel you need to let anything out <3 xxx
  3. Niknaknoo

    Niknaknoo Well-Known Member

    Jun 25, 2014
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    Hi lovely. How absolutely devastating.
    Congratulations and I have everything crossed for a safe and successful pregnancy for you.
  4. TTC no2

    TTC no2 Well-Known Member

    Jun 21, 2014
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    I'm so sorry u have been through all that. I've been through a lost at 24 weeks. It is a very difficult time when u are pregnant after such a loss. But I took great comfort in the fact that I was being consultant led and had lots more tests and scans done nearly every 3weeks to keep eye on things.
    I wish u very healthy pregnancy and I cant wait to see ur bundle come May time. <3
  5. miamia

    miamia Well-Known Member

    Aug 3, 2015
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    I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy
  6. Kitana

    Kitana Moderator

    Aug 11, 2016
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    I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm sure it makes you worry more than you should be. I'm sure it marks you for life.
    But I really hope this is a sticky bean for you and wish you a swift and easy pregnancy! The positive thing about the cesarean is that you can truly look forward to your due date!
    Sending you loads of hugs!xx

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