- Joined
- Mar 10, 2018
- Messages
- 193
- Reaction score
- 65
I'll start with a bit of backstory/history. I was pregnant with my first child nearly 12 years ago when I was 25, the pregnancy itself was fairly straightforward apart from being under a consultant because of my weight and being tested for diabetes numerous times (negative every time). However, my son was stillborn. On my due date I had gone in for a membrane sweep and was asked if I'd felt him move that day, but in hindsight I should have made sure she had done proper obs too, which she didn't despite marking on my record that she did. 3 days later (39+3) I called the hospital because I hadn't felt him move that day, they got me in after no movement after a cold drink and found no heartbeat. I was sent home, knowing that I was still carrying my dead son inside me, and had to go back in 2 days later to be induced for delivery. It was a horribly difficult labour, partly because he wasn't alive to help things, but also he was a whopping 10lb 13oz. I suffered a 4th degree tear and had reconstruction surgery to, you know, divide the two openings again. The post mortem basically said that the placenta had started to break down causing blood clots in his system. We always swore blind that their dates didn't match up with mine and that I was further along, so it's always been niggling away at me.
I split from his daddy not long after and met my husband the next year. We've been trying on and off for several years, and it's only now, after going through the beginning stages of being referred for fertility treatment, that I've fallen pregnant. We're ecstatic about it, but it brings so many worries. Since getting my faint positive on Sunday I've been burning through tests to "double check" that I'm still pregnant, because it still doesn't feel real, even though the FRER I did today is clearly darker than the faint positive from Sunday. My doctor has managed to get me an early 6 week scan for piece of mind, but I'm scared that they'll find nothing and tell me I'm not pregnant after all, like it was all in my head or something I made up. Kinda like some sort of imposter syndrome (is that even a thing for pregnancy?).
Then there's all the other worries. I'm 37 which I know makes the chance of miscarriage higher and because of my BMI I need to take a higher dose of folic acid. Also because of what happened last time, I'm to be treated as though I'm a diabetic mother, I'll need to give birth 2 weeks early, and I have no choice but to have a cesarean because of the damage down there.
Thank you if you got through all this, I just needed to let it out somewhere without judgement, because I feel terrible for feeling this way, and I'm still struggling to believe that it's actually happening. I want so much for it to be real, this will be our miracle rainbow baby (hubby has ED), but it's difficult.
I split from his daddy not long after and met my husband the next year. We've been trying on and off for several years, and it's only now, after going through the beginning stages of being referred for fertility treatment, that I've fallen pregnant. We're ecstatic about it, but it brings so many worries. Since getting my faint positive on Sunday I've been burning through tests to "double check" that I'm still pregnant, because it still doesn't feel real, even though the FRER I did today is clearly darker than the faint positive from Sunday. My doctor has managed to get me an early 6 week scan for piece of mind, but I'm scared that they'll find nothing and tell me I'm not pregnant after all, like it was all in my head or something I made up. Kinda like some sort of imposter syndrome (is that even a thing for pregnancy?).
Then there's all the other worries. I'm 37 which I know makes the chance of miscarriage higher and because of my BMI I need to take a higher dose of folic acid. Also because of what happened last time, I'm to be treated as though I'm a diabetic mother, I'll need to give birth 2 weeks early, and I have no choice but to have a cesarean because of the damage down there.
Thank you if you got through all this, I just needed to let it out somewhere without judgement, because I feel terrible for feeling this way, and I'm still struggling to believe that it's actually happening. I want so much for it to be real, this will be our miracle rainbow baby (hubby has ED), but it's difficult.
