This is a really long post so i'll apologise now! Today I think has been one of the worst days I have had for a LONG time! The problem is - its for really bad reasons!!! 1. (This is awful!) today I found out (from my mum) that my older sister is pregnant. Little bit of background history. My sister has been trying to get pregnant for 3 years since her first daughter was born. She struggled. Then when I got pregnant in September 2010, she wouldn't really talk to me. I miscarried, and she brought herself to say sorry but didn't really give any support. When I got pregnant the next time again she stopped talking to me, and when I miscarried again she said sorry but no support! This time pregnant, she has almost kept her distance from me. She has given me no support during tough scans or upsetting news. She has made her excuses as to why she couldn't make a special tea that my mum and aunties had organised for me after some really tough scans to try to celebrate the pregnancy rather than always have to have so many medical conversations about it. As you can see, my sister and I have drifted right apart in the last few years! It doesn't help that I think her husband is a complete arsehole, who puts every member of my family down! It doesn't help that I hosted Christmas and her family came to our house and at no point did her or her husband talk to my fiancé! Anyway - the long and short of it is, I am really happy she's pregnant because she's my sis but it suddenly made me rethink my situation right now... Which brings me to point 2! 2. I love my unborn daughter! I will fight for her and protect her as much as I can for ever... But I am petrified about her having down syndrome now! I don't mean I wish she was different- because she is who she is, and I have accepted that! I am just petrified about how well I am going to cope with it! Then it gets me to thinking 'why me!' which as a question it drives me mad! Why not me? What is so special about me!? Why shouldn't I have this child? There is no reasons for this - and yet still at the back of My mind I hear myself say 'why me and not my sister? Friend? That woman down the street!? I feel sick by my thoughts and feelings! I am confused and angry with myself- and I don't even understand my own thoughts! Anyway - anyone who is still reading this... Thank you and I am sorry for my bad attitude! I don't have a clue what's going on!!!!