I feel like a horrible person

Discussion in 'Coping with Miscarriage & Loss' started by lisey, Jul 3, 2013.

  1. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

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    Cos I feel so angry, I am angry with my OH cos he smokes and he has low sperm motility, smoking doesnt help and was advised by fertility specialist to stop as could cause issues. He is a heavy smoker too. I feel like he is selfish and will cause ttc to take longer when we try again. It took over a year last time. This morning I felt like I didnt even want to be with him. I love him so thats ridiculous but I feel like he is causing me heartache that could be prevented.
    I also feel annoyed with my mum cos she hasnt really said anything to comfort me through my miscarriages, my mum is amazing and like a best friend so I know she is there for me. I think she just doesnt know what to say but I guess I just need a hug or to be told shes sorry or something. Its like I am not going through it.
    I am also angry with myself for feeling this way and feel like a horrible person for having these thoughts about people who mean the world to me.
    Is it normal to feel this way or am I just a horrible person? :(
     
  2. scn

    scn Well-Known Member

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    I think it's normal hun. You're grieving and anger is one of the steps in the grieving process. Don't stress yourself over feeling this way, it'll pass xxx :hugs:
     
  3. T84

    T84 Well-Known Member

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    Of course you aren't! Grief works in horrible cycles. I think people genuinely don't know how to help you or say the right things. I was mad at my oh for acting like nothing happened.. Now i see that he was trying to be strong for me and help me move on. Your mum might be the same. As for oh, I'm not speaking for anyone else, but I would be mad too. Especially when he knows all the facts. As woman our whole life's and bodies are taken over by ttc and we give up so much that we expect the same in return. On the other hand, could smoking be a coping mechanism? Massive hugs hon and hope it gets better soon x x
     
  4. Zoe S

    Zoe S Well-Known Member

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    Your not a horrible personal all Hun when I got bk from my scan after finding out I had had a missed mc I told my auntie and she jus seemed to want me to not Wollow or grieve like it was a human i Had lost and I felt anger towards her and she is amazing she done so much for me. Think they just don't know how anyone should react there is no right or wrong wAy to get through everything mayb you jus need to tell them how they are making you feel about it or it may just eat away at you x
     
  5. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

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    Thanks ladies. I guess its all part of the process, I just want to feel normal again. I am drained. His smoking isnt a coping thing, he has always smoked this much in the time I have known him. I am going to speak to him about it again...he gets v defensive and it could cause an argument but so be it. I feel like telling him it could break us up cos I will resent him but I think thats too harsh. That is actually how I feel at the moment though. X
     
  6. AKSH

    AKSH Well-Known Member

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    It definitely is. I went through some really tough times after my 2 MCs and it wasn't until months later that I realised how much it had affected me. I went a bit TTC obsessed which is never a good thing. People can be hurtful but they don't always understand they're doing it. After my MC my mum said to me that it was probably for the best anyway that I'd had a MC as otherwise it might have upset my younger brother that I was PG (because he'd just found out he had no sperm and couldn't ever have his own children). I mean, seriously?! But I don't honestly think she realised what she was saying was so horrendous. Anyway, try to keep perspective as beat you can and deal with the smoking issue once you're feeling a little better. If you love each other then you will be able to get through it. Perhaps he can cut down and use NRT whilst you are trying again?
     
  7. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

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    Oh I am sure she didn't mean to be insensitive. People just seem to say all the wrong things :( I have felt better as the day has gone on. I wld honestly be happy if he smoked a few less a day as it would show some consideration to the situation. I spoke to him about both of us being more healthy and he's up for that so will give it a few days and calmly approach the smoking issue x
     
  8. Lou1103

    Lou1103 Well-Known Member

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    You're not horrible, dont beat yourself up! Do u think you're pushing them away a bit? Its easy to do in this situation :(

    I understand about your oh and smoking! It gets me so angry too.

    Hope you're ok xxxx
     
  9. jojo3972

    jojo3972 Well-Known Member

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    It's very normal lisey and my oh smokes aswel and I've been at him to quit and he has cut down loads I've no idea wht his sperm sa would be but we have kids together so I know it was ok at one point but he's Oder now n his old job was stressful and he would sit for long periods of time in the van driving so that could affect his swimmers to , after my mmc last yr I hated everyone specialy pregnant woman and my mother she used to say its ur body's way oh shut up I would think to myself and dan would say nice things but it never helped I was in the bad place where no body could help me but myself and after a while I started to help myself and force myself to look at scans and talk to pregnant friends etc and it did help me, maybe u could sit n talk to ur mum about how ur feeling ? And good luck with ur oh and the smoking issue also would he think about taking maca or zinc to help with his swimmers ? And finally big hugs xxx
     
  10. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

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    I dont know, maybe I am pushing them away a bit. I havent been horrible to them, I have been normal, its just how I am feeling inside. I will speak to them at some point but I hate upsetting anyone x

    Thanks hun, my OH sits at work to. We know he has low motility but he justifies it by saying we have got pregnant 3 times. My argument is it could be more if he helped the situation. Men are so annoying.
    I have been coping ok with babies a d pregnant women so far but it does make me feel sad x
     
  11. jojo3972

    jojo3972 Well-Known Member

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    Might well have gotten u pregnant 3times but poor sperm or poor eggs do cause miscarriage so if one if his dodgy sperm got u pregnant it would more than likely end in a mc :-( that's what I was told by my obgyny any ways so maybe explaining that to him might make him think twice xx
     
  12. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

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    Exactly, thats what I was thinking, cld have been poor quality egg or sperm so going to play the health card. It can't only be me who makes all the changes xx
     
  13. Lou1103

    Lou1103 Well-Known Member

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    Ahhh i didnt know that about sperm quality, i just thought it lowered the amount xxx
     
  14. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

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    Yeah can affect quality and fertility specialist said can definitely cause motility issues which my OH has xxx
     
  15. Lou1103

    Lou1103 Well-Known Member

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  16. jojo3972

    jojo3972 Well-Known Member

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    Bloody men eh grrrr I'm gonna work on my oh aswel to quit or at least drastically reduce although he has since changing jobs as he's not allowed to smoke in his van hahaha u should try ur oh on maca and zinc or some well man all are gd for sorting spermies out :) xx
     
  17. Lou1103

    Lou1103 Well-Known Member

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    Im gonna drug him up lol xxx
     
  18. Nikki1985

    Nikki1985 Well-Known Member

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    Lisey, I lost my son on 17th June at 23 weeks, he was very unwell and would either die during pregnancy, in the first 24 months of life or be severely handicapped. On that basis, we chose to be induced and to deliver early for him to pass away. He lived for a precious 2 hours.

    In the 4-5 weeks leading up to the birth, I was SO angry. I felt it was unfair, I felt it was my husbands fault for causing me stress. He has mental health problems and I thought it was his genetics that had caused our baby's brain to go wrong. I said some awful things - that is was all his fault, that him and his mum were crackpots and now our baby was too. I was angry because he went out on his jet ski one sunny day just before I went to give birth - I couldnt believe he would be interested in playing out in the sun at a time like this.

    Within hours of giving birth, we were arguing - I gave birth at 5am and by 11am he was packing up to go home and I just couldnt leave my dead baby. I couldnt let go, I culdnt stop crying, I was still high on morphine, I felt like I was in a foggy nightmare and I was so angry that he didnt understand and just wanted to leave our baby. I thought it was because he wanted to go to work, and I screamed at him "F*** off then and go to work, but Im staying here with MY baby. Just get away from me" - at the time it never occurred to me, that our baby had died in his arms and he just couldnt face the emotion of continuing to look at his lifeless body in a cot.

    We buried our son 21st June and my husband left me on the 23rd June - saying that I made him feel miserable, that I just criticised him, that I didnt support him, that I said unforgiveable things. My husband is by no means right for what he has done, but nonetheless he has done it anyway and now I have the loss of my son to handle and the loss of my husband and marriage, as well as facing the fact if we dont fix this, I won't ever get to have another baby either.

    Take my advice - keep telling yourself that regardless of what you feel, or what has happened to you, or what someone has done, you still have a CHOICE how to behave and if you choose to say awful things, there will be consequences. Don't let yourself get so upset or angry that you push your partner away x
     
    #18 Nikki1985, Jul 5, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2013
  19. CARNAT22

    CARNAT22 Well-Known Member

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    Lisey, I agree with everyone else hun, anger is a natural part of the grieving process.

    You just need to ride it out and try not to say / do anything you regret.

    Nikki, you poor love. I hope you are getting lots of support (from friends and family and also some counselling?)

    Hugs ladies

    xxxxx
     
  20. Lou1103

    Lou1103 Well-Known Member

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    Nikki - really so sorry for what you've been through, some very good advice. I hope you're ok xxxxx
     

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