Husband due to go to wedding abroad just after due date

[Rosie HF]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here, pregnant with baby number 1 and looking for some advice.
Me and hubby are due to have our first baby on July 26th.
His twin brother is getting married on August 4th and wants him to be his best man. Only snag is the wedding is in the USA. This would mean a 16 hour flight, followed by a four hour drive to get there and a cost of around £2,000.

My main worry is the baby being late and him missing the birth (my sister has three, all of which were 7- 10 days late so it seems possible). But even if it were born when due, he'd be due to go when it was only a few days old.

I know it's a little selfish, but I'm so disappointed if he has to do that.

And it's quite an expense coming at a time when we have a reduced income and a new addition to the family to think about. I mean, that's many times more money for him to go over there for a couple of days and be best man, than we spent on our own honeymoon.

Nothing has been booked yet as we've been waiting for them to confirm the exact details and venue, but his brother's wedding is obviously an important event. I feel bad enough that I'm going to miss it, I really don't want him to have to miss it too and yet I can't help feeling like this is an important time for us too. If it's that important for them to have the wedding right when they're having it and where they're having it, then why shouldn't it be as important to us to be together for and after the birth of our child.

I don't want to say too much as I know he is already feeling the pressure of wanting to be in two places at once and feels torn about it and I don't want to make it any harder.

Does anyone have any advice or can share how they might feel in a similar situation?

Thanks a lot,

Rosie xX

 

[TORino]

Oh no, what a sad coincidence with the wedding date.

I would be feeling bad about it too, but if it was us in this situation then hubby would definitely not be going.
I'm sure he wouldn't want to risk missing birth of his first child would he? And even if the baby did come early you might have to have a section and need him around to help?

I'm sure his brother would understand?

Could you maybe organise a trip to see them as a family next year or something?

 

[GoldenDragon]

I'm sorry you and your OH are in this difficult position hun Is there anyway they could move the date of the wedding? The day your baby will come is already decided tbh, fate will bring him/her when the time is right. That can't and won't be changed. Your OH's brother's date is more flexible if nothing's been booked yet though x

 

[Rosie HF]

Oh no, what a sad coincidence with the wedding date.

I would be feeling bad about it too, but if it was us in this situation then hubby would definitely not be going.
I'm sure he wouldn't want to risk missing birth of his first child would he? And even if the baby did come early you might have to have a section and need him around to help?

I'm sure his brother would understand?

Could you maybe organise a trip to see them as a family next year or something?

Thanks TORino, I keep going back and forth between feeling terribly guilty and then just thinking oh well, it's not our fault that it's not convenient.

I like the family trip idea, only yet again I feel a bit selfish in that I wasn't ever really planning on taking a one year old baby on that long a plane trip. Still it might work out, I expect we'll have more idea how we feel about that once he or she is here

 

[Rosie HF]

I'm sorry you and your OH are in this difficult position hun Is there anyway they could move the date of the wedding? The day your baby will come is already decided tbh, fate will bring him/her when the time is right. That can't and won't be changed. Your OH's brother's date is more flexible if nothing's been booked yet though x

Thanks GoldenDragon, I really wish they would consider changing it, as they they have already changed the date by one day and the venue to a different state! -and that was after the save-the-date invites had been sent out! So some people are in a worse position than us in that they had booked flights for the original date and venue and now it's changed to the opposite coast of America! I think they're pretty set on it now though. But as you say, we can't change our due date, so they may just have to accept that if that is their chosen date and venue for a wedding, then one or maybe even both of us won't be able to make it :/ x

 

[Karate Kid]

Hey Hun, my hubby is in a simular situation his childhood best friend who is practically his brother as they were born a few days apart and been inseparable since is getting married in Sri Lanka 12 days after our due date. His friend wanted hubby to be his best man too... Hubby has declined the invite, he feels so bad but just feels that I would be way too vulnerable around this time and is adamant that he wouldn't miss the birth.

I know how hard it is, i feel so bad but at the same time I will really need him on hand.... I am sure hubby's brother will understand if he can't make the wedding xx

 

[Lynds77]

if his brother hasnt even booked anything yet, I think its a little selfish of him to go ahead and book the wedding on that date. Your poor husband! what a pickle he is in, the most important day of his life, or the most important day of his twin brothers life!! yikes.

 

[CARNAT22]

You say nothing has "been booked" yet? However save the date cards were issued and flights booked etc?

I assume that dates were picked before you got your BFP?

I really feel for you hubby..... What does his brother / parents make of it all? Surely they'd not want him to leave you at such a crucial time?

xxxxxx

 

[Constantstar]

Aw I hope u sort it . Also I'm sure babies can't fly under two weeks old anyway. Good luck tho x

 

[Jayjay027]

What a terrible situation. I have to agree with Torino though, if that were my hubby, he wouldn't be going - and I don't think he'd want to either.

I think if his brother hasn't even booked anything yet, he could either change his date, or be understanding that ur husband couldn't possibly leave u so soon after the birth of ur baby xx

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[hellywelly]

I personally think that even if he can't move anything around at this date, his brother (if he is any kind of decent bloke) would understand why he can't make it. I wouldn't expect my husband to go (and I am considered a pretty 'liberal' wife by a lot of my friends!!) not at such a crucial time. If his brother gets arsy about it then it's a shame but when he gets round to having his own children he should understand how serious the situation is.

 

[Loula]

i really hope it all work sout for you x

 

[Rosie HF]

Hey Hun, my hubby is in a simular situation his childhood best friend who is practically his brother as they were born a few days apart and been inseparable since is getting married in Sri Lanka 12 days after our due date. His friend wanted hubby to be his best man too... Hubby has declined the invite, he feels so bad but just feels that I would be way too vulnerable around this time and is adamant that he wouldn't miss the birth.

I know how hard it is, i feel so bad but at the same time I will really need him on hand.... I am sure hubby's brother will understand if he can't make the wedding xx

Thanks for this, so it's good to know this situation has come up for others too!
"way too vulnerable" sums up quite well how I'm expecting to feel after giving birth for the first time. Hubby going all that way 8 days after the due date is not what I want, maybe I should just come right out out and say it. X

 

[Rosie HF]

You say nothing has "been booked" yet? However save the date cards were issued and flights booked etc?

I assume that dates were picked before you got your BFP?

I really feel for you hubby..... What does his brother / parents make of it all? Surely they'd not want him to leave you at such a crucial time?

xxxxxx

Thanks, when I say nothing booked, I mean on our part regarding flights etc. Originally, a venue for the wedding had been booked in Boston for August 5th but just today it got changed to August 4th in Paso Robles, although a new venue hasn't been chosen yet, just the city.

The date was picked JUST before we got BFP, so it was kind of on the cards for us as soon as they said,since we'd been trying.

Unfortunately the in-laws seem more upset at the thought of OH not making it for the wedding than the prospect of him leaving me at the rather crucial time! In fact MIL even said "well the baby might be early then you can go"!!

As if I'm taking a newborn on a 16 hour flight! Then she said well your Mum could look after the baby! Er, no, I'm not leaving it either!! Oh dear!

x

 

[Karate Kid]

Oh hun.... in-laws are funny sometimes.... To be frank just ignore them.... I wouldn't want to travel with our baby or leave our baby with my parents when he/she is tiny.

I really think you should tell your Hubby exactly how you feel because this is such a crucial time for you both. It's a dificult situation for him but you are his wife and you are carrying his child, nothing is more important.

For myself personally even if our baby was born before hubby's friends wedding I would still not want him in a diferent country....

I hope you get this resolved soon xx

 

[GoldenDragon]

Your MIL sounds very selfish hun, just try your best to ignore her. If you're not happy with your hubby going, tell him. He'll understand and his brother should too. A wedding is nothing in comparison to your child's birth really, and I'm sure your hub would never forgive himself if he went after baby was born and something happened to either of you. And as for leaving baby with your mum... I could never do that. I'm not saying your mum isn't capable or anything, but I think baby needs to be with his/her mummy AND daddy at the start of their life xx

 

[CARNAT22]

has
Thanks, when I say nothing booked, I mean on our part regarding flights etc. Originally, a venue for the wedding had been booked in Boston for August 5th but just today it got changed to August 4th in Paso Robles, although a new venue hasn't been chosen yet, just the city.

The date was picked JUST before we got BFP, so it was kind of on the cards for us as soon as they said,since we'd been trying.

Unfortunately the in-laws seem more upset at the thought of OH not making it for the wedding than the prospect of him leaving me at the rather crucial time! In fact MIL even said "well the baby might be early then you can go"!!

As if I'm taking a newborn on a 16 hour flight! Then she said well your Mum could look after the baby! Er, no, I'm not leaving it either!! Oh dear!

x

Thanks for clarifying hun!

What an awkward situation.

Your M-I-L is bang out of order though - she is effectively saying the wedding is more important than the fact you'll be heavily pregnant (or have a very young newborn)

I totally appreciate that your M-I-L probably doesn't mean to cause any offence (I guess she see's it as the wedding will last just a few days whereas bub will be here forever??) but what an insensitive thing to say??? Like you are going to want to leave your new bub

I have no real ideas for a solution, I guess it just comes down to your OH now... Poor guy!

Has he had a proper chat with his brother about it all?

xxxxxxxx

 

[wifeywifey]

I was talking about this with my oh and his opinion was that both having a baby and your brother getting married are important events in your life. His suggestion was that he buys the tickets to go and arrange the stay as short as possible but if you haven't had lo, just had lo or had a c section not to go. His opinion was yes its a lot of money to waste if he can't go but you might have lo early and be 3 week old by then and hopefully his brother getting married will only happen once. I know it would be hard to let him go but I think if they are close he would resent not being there. Hope you sort it out x

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[Rosie HF]

I was talking about this with my oh and his opinion was that both having a baby and your brother getting married are important events in your life. His suggestion was that he buys the tickets to go and arrange the stay as short as possible but if you haven't had lo, just had lo or had a c section not to go. His opinion was yes its a lot of money to waste if he can't go but you might have lo early and be 3 week old by then and hopefully his brother getting married will only happen once. I know it would be hard to let him go but I think if they are close he would resent not being there. Hope you sort it out x

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Thanks hun,

This was our original plan when the wedding was still in Boston as that's only an 8 hr flight. We figured buy ticket for OH and like you say make it a really short stay then back. If the baby wasn't born or only just born then he'd just not go.

This seems a little more difficult now that the total journey time is more like 20 hours, but not out of the question. OH does seem to think he might not go now though so maybe I won't have to say much after all.

Thanks for canvassing your OH's opinion. Good to have another point of view on it. x

 

[wifeywifey]

Your welcome. I just felt so awful for you and ur oh it must be difficult. My oh did say his child would come first no matter what but if he could he would be there. Good luck whatever he decides.

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