Husband Blames me for Everything

[KarolinaMoon]

I posted before about my marraige and issues I was having with my husband working all the time. Basically he has taken on a serious amount of work to clear some debt and is working around the clock. Meaning very little time to spend with my two young daughters....and tbh zero time to spend with me. This has been going on for months and I daren't say anything about it to him as I am told he is doing it for us the family. I do understand that he is working so much to clear debt and it is admirable....but it has been going on for months now and he has made not even a suggestion to spend time with me. This evening it all came to a head. He came out with some absolutely shocking things. For example he claimed that it was me who had asked to have children and he apparently had said we couldnt afford it. Apparently I told him we had to have kids or it was the end of the relationship. This just did not happen...and I am at a loss as to how and why he has concocted this in his head. He then went on to say that the reason his previous company had failed was because of me...that he had taken on a higher paid job because he had to support me and the kids. He claimed that I had pressured him to buy a house rather than to continue renting. This is so untrue. I'm so confused and just don't know what to think. He began swearing at me and I just walked out as I couldn't listen to anymore. I felt like he had so much resentment against me and finally it had been revealed. It was all news to me, as I had no idea this is how he thought! It felt to me as if he was blaming me for even having children. I just don't know what to do or what to think

 

[Holi]

Sounds awful - I too have a husband who works ALOT (self employed) and sometimes I have to rain him in otherwise the kids would forget his face!

Sounds to me like he is feeling a huge amount of pressure/stress to make some cash. Is obviously over thinking things and working himself up. You need to be the calm one in this situations as he's being so irrational! Just listen to him, let him vent. And then when he's calmed down a day or two later, address the issues that concern you most (saying you forced him to have kids and mortgage etc) I wouldn't be surprised if he completely backtracks.

I'm not justifying him speaking to you like this, just looks to me like he having a bit of a wobble (we all do) and you might just have to bite your tongue until he seems calmer before you can talk about it sensibly - never good idea to talk about these sorts of things when tempers are heightened, things can get said that an never be unsaid even if they aren't really meant

Good luck I'm sure it's just a blip we all have them! X

 

[Mab]

I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard time.
Debt can be extremely stressful and it seems it's getting to him.
He's tired, stressed and is trying to think of "reasons" why he got the debt and unfortunately he seems to not to want to take part of the "blame".
I'm sure it was a joint decision of buying a house and having kids but he's now putting all the blame on you in his head.
You can kindly remember him that you understand that he's tired and stressed but it's not ok to be angry at you.

You can say things like "You're angry at the situation, not at me." "I'm here for you. What can I do to help?"

Of course i'm not advocating being his emotional punching bag. There's a line between venting to you and blaming you for things. If he gets angry just calmly stop him and don't engage, even if that means leaving the room.
Sometimes when people are angry they say and do things they don't mean so sometimes it's better to just stop the conversation before it gets to that point.

Also, are you aware of how much the debt is? Is it possible that it's bigger than you thought and he's projecting his fears of telling you by getting angry and defensive and even putting the blame on you?