How to tell people with fertility problems?

[Littlesammy]

Hi ladies, I need a bit of advice...

I've got my 12 week scan on Thursday and if everything goes ok we we're planning on telling the family after. However there are 2 people in my family with fertility problems, one found out last year that she can't have children and the other is undergoing IVF treatment. So having children is a bit of a sensitive subject in our family!

We're not a particularly close family and we don't normally just call each other for a chat. So I'm wondering whats the best way to tell them about my pregnancy. My OH says I should just post an update on Facebook and let them see that way. I think that may be ok for telling some people but is a little insensitive to my family. I also don't want to come across like I'm rubbing it in their face though, which OH thinks might happen if I call them. Don't want it to. One across like, "I don't normally call you but I'm calling to say I'm pregnant", if you know what I mean! The other thing I could do is get my mum to tell them, but again I'm not sure if that's a bit of a cop out.

What do you ladies think, should I call and tell them or let them find out from Facebook or other family members?

Thanks xx

 

[smnicholson92]

I woould call them i dont think putting it on fcebook before uve told them is a very good idea, i no its not quite the same but my bil and sil had a lil girl bak in january and wen we first went out to see her they didnt no what they were calling her and then the next day the just put it on facebook so all there friends and that were finding out before family which annoyed alot of the family if that make any sence xxx

 

[Geekachublog]

As someone who has really really struggled with getting pg, I'd be really offended if someone I rarely speak to called me to say that they were pregnant, I think that seems more like rubbing it in their faces.

Is there a family gathering due to come up?

Personally, I'll be putting it in Facebook for everyone except immediate family (who already know), then people can pick and choose if they congratulate or not.

I think it's a very sore subject if people are having trouble, but as I've learned not everyone has it easy conceiving but you should still be gracious for those that can

If they are genuine, nice people, they will be happy for you no matter how you choose to tell them.

 

[nicejuicypear]

While they will be happy for you, it is worth considering how you tell them, so as to seem as if you've considered their feelings. I agree that Facebook is not the way. It's impersonal and you can't soften the blow. It would be good if you had a little family gathering then you could speak to them face to face. I'd suggest you ask them how they'd like you to be as well, do they want to hear as they normally would or would they prefer you to be discreet. If you're planning lots of updates on Facebook, tell them you'd understand if they temporarily block you. I think mist people with IF find the bump and pregnancy the hardest bit. Once the child is there and as it's growing it's still sad but they can deal with it more.

I think if you just show that you're sensitive to their situation they will appreciate it as much as they can.

 

[Kate0412]

I agree don't put it on Facebook , your in a catch 22 situation you poor thing!!! It's so wonderful that your pregnant and you shouldn't feel bad that you are. I would just tell them straight that your pregnant an that you've been nervous to tell them because you don't want to rub it in. Tell them all the negative sides lol like oh I feel so bloated and that they will have it all to come one day!
I am in a similar situation with one of the girls I work with, she's pregnant after 2 years of trying including IVF and mine is a complete accident! I haven't had the guts to tell her yet because I don't want to steal her thunder, worst thing is I know deep down she's the type that will be excited to have a bump buddy and its me who's making it a bigger deal than it actually is.
Good luck xxx

 

[nicejuicypear]

Tell them all the negative sides lol like oh I feel so bloated and that they will have it all to come one day!

I agree with the rest of your post but not this bit. I've spent a lot of time on fertility forums and when people are upset about friends and family breaking the news they seem to hate being told the negative bits. To them, getting the chance to experience the negative symptoms would be a dream come true.

 

[Little_angel]

I've been on both sides of this coin. For me, when I had been TTC for a long time, it did upset me a little when those close to me got pregnant, but it didn't stop me being glad for them. I celebrated their news with them and had a little cry for me later.

Personally, I think letting them know via your mum is a good idea. It's not a cop out, it actually may be easier for them to hear about it from her, have time to gather their thoughts and congratulate you in their own time. If your mum thinks it's appropriate from their reactions, it might be nice to follow it up yourself, but that depends on your relationships.

 

[Littlesammy]

Thanks ladies, it's great to hear other people's views xx

 

[mrz85]

give them a call and tell them , we have this problem my Oh brother and his wife have been ttc for 11 years and failed IVF ! not always easy x

 

[Dotty_woman]

I decided that I would tell close family members in person (my mum & oh mum & dad, oh's brother & sister & my brother). Close friends and more distant family, I sent them a private message on Facebook telling them I wanted them to know before it went out to the masses. So far I have gad mostly good responses. My cousin lives in Turkey and is just a bit younger than me but still over 40. She split up with her husband last year and I think she wanted kids. She just removed herself from the message without making any comments. I felt bad for a little while but you can't please everyone. If you don't tell people that you are close to and they find out from someone else, you risk alienating them too. I appreciate your dilemma but this is your good news and you can't let anyone take it away from you. Good luck with whatever you decide. xxx

 

[mrz85]

I agree dont let anyone spoil it x

 

[Pippa1703]

I had a very similar situation a couoke weeks ago with a cousin of mine. They've been trying for 7yrs, we chat but were not what id call close. This is the message I sent her on favebook before I put pictures up;

"I didn't know how to tell you without sounding insensitive, ive recently felt able to share the news that im pregnant. I know youve been having trouble conceiving and I dont want to rub it in your face or put you in a position where you feel you need to congratulate us, I just didnt want you to think I was avoiding you with the news xxxx"

Obviously one solution doesnt work for everyone but she seemed to take it well and told me I was being silly. If shed of ignored the message that wouldve been fine too, id done my best!

 

[Dotty_woman]

That's a nice way of putting it Pippa. xxx

 

[flisstebbs]

Having been on the other side of this with rmc, best thing is to get the news to them before you are face to face. I fiund this meant I ciuld have a wobbly if I needed but then move on and be happy next time I saw the happy expecting couple.

 

[mummywanabe]

My older brother (and only sibling) has been ttc with his wife for 7 years and are currently on their 3rd rounc of ivf, they have never got pregnant. I found it incredibly difficult to tell him, I waited until his wife wasnt home I wasnt sure how she would react and I wanted her to react how she felt she needed to whether that be crying or shouting or whatever, so I just went to his house and I said I need to talk to you, I think he had guessed and told him he was goung to be an uncle in June, he congratulated us, and hugged me, although theyve both been very distant throughout the entire pregnancy I guess thats their way of dealing with it, I hope theyll come round after baby arrives, and I pray they get to have their own ine day, pregnancy has not been easy but at least ive been so lucky to have been pregnant at all, I would probably not post it on facebook but I suppose it all depends on how close you are to the person.

 

[sunnyland27]

Yes definitely don't tell them the bad bits. Ltttc women hate it! I am one and it doesn't bother me atm but I can see how upsetting it could be when you look forward to experiencing all those things. When I get pregnant I won't be complaining, even though I'm sure I'll feel like it when I'm tired/sick/bulging/in pain lol. I'll be enjoying it as much as possible.
It's great that you're thinking about how to do it sensitively. Maybe post in the long term ttc section to ask for advice. Nobody would be offended because you have good intentions! X

 

[JJ Mum]

Im no good for advice, my sister has three kids , the middle one via ivf, and has made no bones about being finished and her family complete 5 yrs ago. I thought i told her without bells whistles and certainly didnt rub it in her face , she tokd me she cant say congrats and im throwing her infertility all those years ago back at her! ( i hadnt told her id also had ivf or op!)and now shes not speaking to me!

Just do your best to show her your trying to be careful of her feelings and sure shell appreciate it, it will still hurt but thats justpart of infertility issues xx

 

[Kate0412]

Aww jj you poor thing it's not your fault who would have thought such a happy time could be so stressful! I haven't told a soul yet (apart from OH) not even my mum and I'm stressing about telling her. Hope things get better for you with your sister xxx

 

[Littlesammy]

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I just hope I can do it sensitively enough as I know they've both had a very tough year. I can't imagine what they're going through! Xxx

 

[mummywanabe]

If they react badly theyre going to do it no matter how sensitively you think youve done it, ive learned now just be open and honest. But you also have to make sure you celebrate at this time because its a little miracle happening to you. I fewl like ive held back and havent enjoyed being pregnant as much because ive been walking on egg shells, trying to hide my bump, or hiding baby items, or changing the subject if my family members started talking about baby if my sis in law was there and I suppose its made me feel a little bit of resentment towards them