How to tell a friend going through IVF?

Discussion in 'Pregnancy Chat' started by kayelljay, Aug 31, 2016.

  1. kayelljay

    kayelljay Member

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    So I'm only 5 weeks (BFP last week) so it's going to be a while until we tell anyone, but I'm really worried about how to tell my friend/work colleague.

    She has been TTC for just under 2years now, shes now going through IVF testing, but they have recently found out that her husband's sperm is basically non-existent :( They are thinking of using a sperm donor but it's not going to be until early 2017 before they can start that process.

    I have been the person she has been able to talk to at work and she often gets very upset/angry every time someone announces a pregnancy (including family members) and she makes little remarks about people getting pregnant. I completely understand why she is angry/upset and I can't imagine what she is going through right now, but it makes me worry when I think about telling her about my pregnancy as I don't want to upset her. She doesn't know we were TTC. She is starting counselling with her husband in a few weeks so maybe that will help her a bit, but I'm worried about her

    Does anyone have any advice?
     
  2. DarcyHodge

    DarcyHodge Well-Known Member

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    If she is a close friend she will be happy for you, when I was ttc I struggled a lot, so when my best friend told me she was pregnant I thought I would get upset but I was over the moon. So I don't really have advice on how to tell her just that I think she will understand x
     
  3. KateK

    KateK Well-Known Member

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    I had a similar situation, one of my best friends has been ttc for 18 months now and they had a missed miscarriage in April. She was absolutely inconsolable. I got pregnant in May and I was so nervous about telling her. I decided to do it sooner rather than later and she was absolutely amazing. I'm sure in secret she was gutted and perhaps a bit angry but she has been a fantastic support despite all their issues. I know it's going to feel uncomfortable but you have every right to be happy and hopefully she'll be happy for you. Good luck hun and congratulations xx
     
  4. Papermoon

    Papermoon Well-Known Member

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    I think she'll be happy for you. I would tell her sooner rather than later.
     
  5. Prettypee

    Prettypee Well-Known Member

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    I had similar situation - my friend tried unsuccessfully for 8 years, 4 failed ivf :( I just sat her down before we made any announcement and told her straight up. I said I was happy but wanted to speak to her first ad I know this might be difficult for her. She struggled with it (but didn't let it show) but she was happy for us. Then i got pregnant with number 2 so quickly after I felt terrible again. This time I went to tell her and she had a suprise for me! They tried a private round of ivf that stuck!! She is now 33 weeks (3weeks ahead of me). X

    Sent from my D6603 using Tapatalk
     
  6. Eryinera

    Eryinera Well-Known Member

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    My only adice would be to maybe tell her via text so she doesn't have to react I front of you x
     
  7. FBTTN8079

    FBTTN8079 Well-Known Member

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    Going through IVF I always struggled the most with pregnancy announcements, mainly the ones that came completely out of the blue. It always felt bittersweet for us as we were happy but at the same time sad for our friends when they announced. At the time of our 1st unsuccessful IVF my SIL & 2 close friends all told us they were pregnant & I did struggle but I never showed it to them as it was their time to enjoy & didn't want them to feel bad. I'd suggest bringing it up with her before you do any announcements & just give her time and space. Xx
     
  8. SiameseCatLady

    SiameseCatLady Well-Known Member

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    Personally, I think the main thing is that you don't hide it. I think I'd be more hurt if I thought you were hiding it. Xxx
     
  9. Prettypee

    Prettypee Well-Known Member

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    I personally wouldn't text either... For me it would feel a bit impersonal for such a sensitive topic, will probably lead to avoiding the issue/person, but then perhaps I over think things!

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  10. Eryinera

    Eryinera Well-Known Member

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    Yea it depends I just know that I really appreciated that my cousin told me in a very nice text that she was expecting she explained why it was in a text as she knew that I had lost so many babies. I was happy for her very happy but my first reaction was that my heart had been torn out. And I'm greatful I didn't have to have that reaction on front of her. I had time to react collect myself and then be genuinely happy for her.
     
  11. Laura1992

    Laura1992 Well-Known Member

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    I think it's lovely that you're being so sensitive about it, what a good friend. I think like others have said, maybe tell her sooner rather than later and tell her first? I'd say don't overdo the whole sympathy thing "this must be really hard for you" stuff as it won't help, maybe just keep it quite brief and sincere and then give her space to get her head around it. She should be happy for you once it's sunk in xxx
     
  12. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

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    As a long term ttcer, (and also had IVF) I can say, the pregnancy announcements are very hard. You will be happy for your friends but it doesn't stop the emotion. I wouldn't want it done face to face. I would prefer over the phone as it can be short and sweet and she will be able to deal with it how she needs to without you seeing it. She may cry and feel devestated, not that you're pregnant but because she's not and its something she yearns for xx
     
  13. Syd43

    Syd43 Well-Known Member

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    I would actually agree with not doing it face to face, I think phone/email/text all better so long as you explain why you are doing it that way as Eryinera says. If it was a close friend of mine I would be delighted for them but I would find it hard to hide my own immediate reaction of sadness. That sadness would be all about me, not about you, but I would still feel bad about you witnessing it. I also agree about not overdoing the "this must be so hard for you".

    Congratulations.
     
  14. tinselcat

    tinselcat Well-Known Member

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    Hi

    First, congratulations on your pregnancy! It's also great that you really care about your friend's feelings and are sensitive to this issue.

    Second, I totally disagree with the statement "if she's a real friend she'll be happy for you". As you have guessed from your experience talking with her, it's much much more complicated than this when you are struggling with IVF and TTC and potentially miscarriages. If you look on the LTTTC forum you will see that many people find each pregnancy announcement a mental/emotional/physical body blow, not because they don't want other people to have children but for a myriad of other reasons.

    I think you need to find a way to tell her privately in a place where she may be able to cry without getting shocked with other people around etc. A friend told me over facebook (she lives hundreds of miles away & this had been how we were in touch so perfectly acceptable way to contact me) she was expecting, just after I had miscarried, and I got the message during a meal out and I had to run to the toilet crying and obviously didn't enjoy the evening.

    It may be best to forewarn her that you have some news that you understand she might find difficult - she'll guess immediately what this is btw but at least you have shown empathy up front.

    Lastly avoid saying stuff like "oh it happened so quick, we weren't expecting this, we weren't trying for very long" (I'm sure you wouldn't but hearing that other people get pregnant quickly does make things feel much worse for LTTTCers) or blithe comments along the lines of "don't worry, your time will come, you'll get pregnant eventually" which are also really annoying to fend with.

    Finally, be prepared for her to be upset and maybe a little off with you for a while after. It's not because she doesn't like you or want to be happy for you, but dealing with so many negative emotions and upset and being reminded of that constantly is just so hard. I couldn't bare to be around pregnant people. But once they had their babies that was ok.

    You sound like a great person and I hope telling her goes well. I also hope you enjoy your pregnancy and that it is happy and healthy and you have all the support around you that you need.

    Best of luck! xxxx

    p.s. my experience comes from 7 years WTT including 3.5 years TTC, some late losses and 3 rounds of IVF.
     
    #14 tinselcat, Sep 2, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2016
  15. snowbee

    snowbee Well-Known Member

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    I'm also a long termer and have found announcements unbearable at times. For me I would far rather find out in private (so no big public announcements in front of other people, if you are planning on doing this give her a heads up first so she can elect not to be there or at least get her grief out of the way beforehand), I would like to know via text or email as then I have time to digest the news, get over the shock and cry in private before having to put on a brave face and be happy for you.

    Some great advice from other long termers above too. I totally agree with the what not to say that tinsel cat said. Also don't offer advice, ie don't say have you tried this or that or just relax!

    Please remember, it isn't that we aren't happy for you, we are just sad for us and wonder if it will ever be our turn. Congratulations on your pregnancy and well done for being a good friend and trying to do the best thing to save her feelings.
     
  16. Papermoon

    Papermoon Well-Known Member

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    I think I agree with the ones who say not telling her face to face, but by text or email etc. They make a good point. Even over the phone it may be hard to hide the emotions in her voice but with a text message or email, she can let it sink in, have a cry or whatever and then respond once she's got herself together and she can take her time because she knows you won't know when she actually read it.
     
  17. MrsS15

    MrsS15 Well-Known Member

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    Agree with every bit of this, spot on!

    It's lovely you're thinking of her, I'm sure she'll appreciate that xx
     
  18. kayelljay

    kayelljay Member

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    Thanks for all your messages!

    My main worry is that she will be annoyed with me. I understand that she will be upset (I would be if it was the other way around) but my main worry is that she automatically reacts badly and then is very blunt/a bit nasty with people.

    One of her best friends told her she was pregnant (the circumstances were a bit different as her best friend sounded like she wanted her there for support which would obv be hard for her, and I wouldn't keep going on about it in front of her as I know she gets upset) but she isn't speaking to that friend now and refuses to see her. We work in the same place so she would struggle to avoid me completely but I don't want her to feel like I'm rubbing it in her face or anything and I would hate to lose our friendship over it as she confides a lot in me about all the IVF stuff

    I was going to tell her first (well, after our parents) and I'm not really planning on doing an announcement or anything anyways, but I'm still torn whether to do it over text or face to face. When I found out she was the first person I thought of and I'm just really worried to tell her because of how she has reacted when her best friend and sister-in-law announced their pregnancies
     
  19. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

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    I really wouldn't recommend face to face. It will be very hard for her. She may be distant for a while but I am sure she will come round. Sometimes watching a bump progress is harder and then once baby arrives its easier xx
     
  20. Papermoon

    Papermoon Well-Known Member

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    Try not to worry too much. Even if she's kind of distant towards you, it's not because she's mad at you. It won't be about you at all. Like others said, it might be hard for her to look at your bump grow. She may avoid you to keep her own self from being depressed or something. She won't be mad at you.
     

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