How to deal with the father of the baby leaving

Discussion in 'Single Parents' started by mmay123, Jun 26, 2016.

  1. mmay123

    mmay123 New Member

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    Hello :wave: I am 16 weeks pregnant and 21 years old. Me (and the father of the baby) are both currently at the same university, luckily I am able to carry on with my degree. Anyway...

    I haven't talked to the father of the baby in about 5 weeks. He changed his mobile number, and deleted all his social media. He recently got facebook back but hasn't responded to my messages or my friend requests. Although I find this hard to admit, I am starting to realise that he doesn't want anything to do with this baby or me. I am heart broken and feel very down. I didn't think he would do with to me. Before we left for the summer holidays, we were on good (ish) terms, he spent a lot of time with me at my house and called and text me. I told him I was pregnant around the start of April, he was very scared and shocked (as he is Muslim and I am white, is what he said). At first we contemplated abortion, and he seemed very upset by this, in the end I couldn't do it. He told me "If you want to get an abortion, then get an abortion, but if you're going to keep it then I'll do my part in being a father". Over the weeks during April and May, he was very back and forth, one minute he'd be stroking my belly or lying on it, the next he'd be saying "you're not pregnant, you don't look pregnant", and trying to act like it wasn't happening. He would sometimes talk about the baby, about the gender and stuff, but other times he wouldn't want to talk about it. He is a very complicated person, it wouldn't surprise me if he has a split personality. I can't describe it, he's like two different people. At the start of the relationship he would compliment me, but as time went on he used to put me down and say horrible things to me like "you're fat" or "you're not the best looking", then add girls on facebook and like their photos or comment on them. He would tell me he misses me and that he cares, he even said he loved me at one point. All this messed with my head, particularly since I became pregnant.
    When we left for the summer holidays, I went back to Manchester and he went back to Birmingham. This is when he started disappearing. I know someone who used to be friends with him and around a month or so ago I started finding out a load of things that I didn't know about him. I found out he was a big drug dealer, and that he'd robbed money from his friends before. His own friends even called him sly. This is word of mouth, I haven't heard it from the horses mouth, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was true. I couldn't believe it. Me and him are completely different, I'm not or have never been involved with anything like that. I guess you could say we're opposite.
    It's hard for me to accept that he'd do this, and he'd been keeping a secret life back in Birmingham. Of course I don't want my baby to be involved with a person like that. But unfortunately I developed feelings for him a long time ago, and it's hard for them to disappear. Apart of me was hoping he would change and focus on me and the baby. But in reality I don't think that will be the case. A couple of my friends have said that they think he'll be in contact when university starts again, but it's hard to say.
    At this point I feel depressed, and have been losing sleep. I'm going to talk to my midwife and see what she suggests. I'm tired of feeling down, and it's hard to think that I'm feeling like this and he doesn't care.

    I just don't know what to do :(

    I am normally a positive and bubbly person but I feel I've ran out of steam :nap:
     
  2. Rubyredslipper

    Rubyredslipper Well-Known Member

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    Big hugs. I totally understand feelings don't just go away but if there's even a hint of him being a drug dealer you need to run for the hills. You're opening the door for all sorts of problems there, never mind always suspecting he's got a secret life in Brum. It's not good for you or the baby, mentally emotionally or physically.
    From the comments you say he's made it doesn't sound like he'll ever change and you deserve someone who worships the ground you walk on. not who will make you feel like that!!
    Please speak to your midwife and don't bottle it up. She will be able to point you in the right direction for support xx
     
  3. tinselcat

    tinselcat Well-Known Member

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    Hi

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
    You say you don't know what to do, so here are some suggestions:

    1) Speak to your midwife and tell her that the baby's father has split with you and he has been emotionally abusing you (as this is what you describe). She should be able to refer you to places to give you some extra support.

    2) Read this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Signs...elationships/dp/1580053874/ref=cm_cr-mr-title or go on a course about domestic abuse/violence.

    3) Speak with your support network (e.g. parents) on how they will practically support you when baby is here. Newborns are very exhausting. Being 21 is a bonus here as you have a lot more stamina to cope with the sleep interruptions :) (I'm 38 and feel it!) I found the first 5 months were really tough, as baby would have a 3 hour cycle where he would wake up, want to feed, sleep & cry (there were nappy changes in there too). Imagine this 24x7 for 5 months (some people get lucky and have babies that sleep through but I wouldn't count on it).

    4) On a related note, will your university let you defer a year so that you can take time out to look after baby and then return the next academic year? This seems to offer many advantages especially if it means you will not need to be on a course with your ex. If you are trying to be a single mum, look after a tiny baby, AND study, then unless you truly are superwoman I think you will struggle.

    5) Get legal advice about putting your ex's name as the father on the birth certificate and what this means for child access issues. If he's on there, while it gives 'advantages' in terms of child maintenance payments (assuming your ex has a legal job) then it makes it very easy for him to get unsupervised access to your child without you being there. Especially as he is Muslim. My ex is another religion & ethnicity, and the child advisory service kept writing "baby is mixed heritage and needs to explore both cultures" in all their reports, it's a big thing for them.

    If he is a drug dealer, do you really want him to have unsupervised access to your baby? I was speaking recently with a barrister who had represented a murderer at the family courts, and even he got access to his child(ren) 9 times a year.

    6) If your midwife doesn't put you in touch with a support network, then consider self-referring to Womens' Aid: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
    Another useful number for you is:
    http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

    7) It's not easy to understand you are a victim of domestic abuse. What you describe includes some classic behavioural traits of an abuser. When I did a course about domestic violence, one of the personas of 'The Dominator' (i.e. the bad man) was called 'The Headworker' and your ex certainly fits that, telling you you're fat, blowing hot/cold with you, indicating how much he fancies other women, etc.

    8) It's not easy to understand that abusers are often Jekyll-and-Hyde characters, i.e. often charming & sweet, and also nasty. What you find is that over the course of the relationship, the ratio of nice:nasty changes so that they spend less and less time being nice to you, and more and more time being nasty. Because they can. Often, people don't believe that someone so charming & apparently nice can also be a bad guy behind the scenes too. You're 'fortunate' in that you actually know people who can corroborate that your ex is a bad guy (a very bad one, by the sounds of it), and in fact - you say you can believe it too, right?

    Say your ex actually does do drug dealing. What would it take to prove to you that this is the case? Is his former friends' words enough? Do you have to be there in person when an exchange is taking place? (This is where the Stop Signs book may come in helpful, as it contains a list of 'red flags' which point to worrying information about a person).

    What is hard to get your head round is that you have fallen for the Mr Nice part of Mr Nice & Mr Nasty. Unfortunately, Mr Nasty is the main part of that person and you will spend the rest of your relationship (and possibly beyond) being abused by Mr Nasty in some way should you continue it. Please don't put yourself, or your child, through that.

    There are nice guys out there who will treat you right, and you have every right and every chance of meeting one of them.

    9) Abusers' behaviour often gets worse under stressful situations, e.g. pregnancy, giving birth.

    10) Your ex has given a clear indication of how he wants your relationship to go, i.e. he has completely cut you off. Make the most of this opportunity, and make sure you sever any lingering ties with him, and don't look back. This is not the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. Please believe me!


    I am a single mother to a 1 year old. I experienced increasing domestic abuse & occasional domestic violence over the course of my marriage. Once baby was born, my ex's behaviour dropped off a cliff (it was already pretty bad before) and he attacked me while I was holding the baby. I fled with a 3 week old to life at my parents' house for a year. Being a single mother is tough, but at the end of the day you will also have a lovely baby that you can cherish. Focus on that being the positive in the future xxx
     
  4. tinselcat

    tinselcat Well-Known Member

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    Just browsing through amazon, I saw another book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Spot-Dangerous-Before-Involved/dp/0897934474

    If you scroll down in the free preview ('Click Inside to look') part to page 14, you will see 'How to spot a dangerous man' and Section labelled 'Categories of Dangerous Men'. Number 4 is 'The man with the hidden life'. It may be worth just quickly skimming that free section and see if anything else rings a bell to you.

    xx
     
  5. Kitten1991

    Kitten1991 Well-Known Member

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    I feel for you i do! I am 24 and my ex left me and moved 2.5 hrs away when i was 8 weeks pregnant.

    This was after i said i wasn't moving from the town i lived in because i only really have my mum and i didn't particularly get on with his family.

    He used to drink loads and still does along with smoking weed too.

    He got really pissy with me saying he didn't want to be a part time dad but then contradicted himself completely.

    He now has a new girlfriend and was making demands that she would be a part of my daughters life and thought he was going to take a newborn baby 2.5 hours away from me each weekend... i soon put my foot down.

    Since she was born in april he has seen her twice for a period of 2 hours... the second time he came to visit he said " I want to take her to meet my parents"

    I tried to compromise several times with no success so that they could meet their grandchild and needless to say his response was "I'm giving you a chance to be fair" at that point i never responded and got a message the day before he was due to visit saying am i still okay to come tomorrow to which i said that was fine... he turned up 3 hours late - Turns out he had been drinking until 4am and missed his first train.

    I have offered for him to come down the night before and stay in the spare room so he could spend a day with my daughter and he has refused. Since he visited 2 months ago i haven't heard from him. His last words were i will be in touch next week and nothing.

    I changed my number and asked him to only message me via Facebook messenger as i didn't want the excuse of I text you but you never responded as that was one of his favourite excuses.

    I have been friends with and been in an on off relationship for the past 8 years with him and he ruined everything including our friendship.

    All i can say is stay strong! Due to the history of substance/ alcohol abuse i have not put her father on the birth certificate. I have even explained this to Child Maintenance as they asked why he wasn't on her birth certificate and they agreed with me that it was in her best interest.

    Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk too
     
  6. UglyFrog

    UglyFrog Member

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    My dear mmay123!
    First of all, remember - you are an amazing, beautiful, young woman, and you will have a wonderful life!
    Don't be upset.

    I was in the similar situation when I was 19. My family are Catholic so it was a bit of shame, when my boyfriend denied that he is a father. And my family helped me.
    My father has insisted on having a lawyer, and as a result my older son has a father, who has financial and moral duties. I'm married and have a second son and an awesome husband, and also my ex-boyfriend knows that he cannot leave any girl in pregnancy without сonsequences.
    You can find a lawyer in law journals, blogs and in some article, like this one in PI Law Journal: http://www.pibriefupdate.com/conten...786-in-a-position-that-requires-legal-support
    If you're not able to pay, it's not a problem. You can receive a good help for free. I suggest you to use the free legal help from government and charity organisations, like:
    http://www.law.ac.uk/about/legal-advice-for-the-public/
    One of my friends has got help in difficult situation from this organisation for free:
    https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/your-legal-rights/

    Everything is in your hands!
     
    #6 UglyFrog, Sep 14, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2016
  7. yesol

    yesol Member

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    Big hugs.
    Personally, I'd rather be alone than be with someone who makes me unhappy. 0 is better than -1.

    There are lots of single mothers who made it through. It is not an easy job, but it less misery than trying to push yourself to someone who doesn't want you or your baby. You don't have to be a masochist or a martyr. Please don't condemn yourself to more years of trouble with a person like that.

    Love and light to you and your child.
     

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