how much help

[Layla]

hi guys

i need your help with something that been bothering me lately.

can i ask how much help you get from your partners, here are a few questions i need to know...

do they help with night feeds?
would you make them help with night feeds if they drove for a living?
how much do you do in the day, washing, house work, cooking etc?
what does your OH do when he gets home?
do you get time out for you?
by the time your OH gets home from work, have you done everything, i.e house work washing etc, or does it still need to be done, does OH help?
does Oh help out with your other children (if you have any)

sorry for all the questions, i would be greatful if you could answer them all for me so i can get an idea of wether im being to hard or easy on Jase.

feeling very shattered right now so this info will help me alot

thanks

xxx

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

sorry i cant help out as garry dont live wit us, but i feel very stroungly that a bloke should play his part no matter wot his job u have a full time job that never ends his job end at wot ever time he get home

hope u r ok

 

[X-LISA-X]

Hi Layla, Jake is nearly 5mths now but wen he did hav a night time feed, my OH always done that one, I would do the 12o'clock one and he would do the 3am one! even though he started work at 8am, He doesnt drive for a living but he is a lecturer at college! When he gets home bout 4pm he always cooks dinner for all of us wich I think this fair as Ive been doing the washing and the cleaning all day! He will also wash up and make the bottles up for next day before bathing both kids before putting them to bed! Some people say Ive got it easy but I think this is only fair! He also makes sure I get my time for me as I would go mad without this time even if it is only popping down my mates house for an hour for a coffee and a chat! Hope this helps!

 

[Urchin]

do they help with night feeds?
I breastfeed so no. If I didn't and he had to be up for work I don't think I would ask him to help, but then again Brody is really easy and doesn't need winding etc in the night. Of course weekends etc when he's off I would expect more help at night.


would you make them help with night feeds if they drove for a living?
No, in theory I can go back to bed in the day if I'm tired. There's been a few times he's stayed up late till like 2am when Brody has been colicky, so I can go to bed earlier, that's usually been at weekends though.


how much do you do in the day, washing, house work, cooking etc?

I do what I can, sometimes that means I don't do much at all. I have a meal ready about 5 nights of the week. Some days to do loads of housework, some days I'm out with friends or shoping etc so I do bugger all!

what does your OH do when he gets home?

He takes a shower, plays with Brody and Mason. Sometimes he goes out again to the gym, which annoys me sometimes if I've had a long day, but I have to remind myself he doesn't drink at all so no visits to the pub etc socially for him, so he does need relax-time too. He also does lots of DIY and is currently building us a shed!

do you get time out for you?
I get at least a half hour bath every single night... this is MY time and I read a book and relax etc. IN theory if I wanted more time I cold go to bed earlier and leave Brody downstairs with Rich for a bit but there's usually good stuff on TV.

by the time your OH gets home from work, have you done everything, i.e house work washing etc, or does it still need to be done, does OH help?

Lots of times the house will be a mess when he gets in! I try and do what I can, and he never moans about it. If he needs work clothes he will wash them himself if I haven't managed it (he never puts them in the bloody basket!) At weekends he'll do everything I do, he's EXCELLENT at ironing! He'll wash up etc. The only thing he doesn't do is cook cos he's not that good (except bacon sandwiches!) He will go out to the shops if we need stuff too. On top of all this he's always doing DIY, cos we're gutting our house room by room and re-doing it.


does Oh help out with your other children (if you have any)
YES! he'll bath Mason (he's nervous of bathing Brody still!) He'll change nappies, wind, play, put Mason to bed, read him a story etc.

 

[minikins]

do they help with night feeds?
I breastfeed so he can't but I think he would if he could.


would you make them help with night feeds if they drove for a living?
I agree with Urching.

how much do you do in the day, washing, house work, cooking etc?

Bits and bobs each day so it's never built up into anything massive I can't handle.

what does your OH do when he gets home?

Helps me bath Dom & dress him for bed every night, except Tuesdays when he plays footie.

do you get time out for you?
Yes, during the day when Dom naps, sometimes I nap or I chill out. Even if Dom is awake and I go to town or for a walk that can be me time too. Also at the weekend when OH is not working he will take Dom out or so something with him while I totally chill.

by the time your OH gets home from work, have you done everything, i.e house work washing etc, or does it still need to be done, does OH help?

As it's done a bit each day it's pretty much sorted. My OH cooks most of the evening meals so that's great, although i do the odd one. I do washing and hoovery and general tiding but OH does most cooking and all the Ironing so I am very lucky, he also does any other housework I ask if I am bogged down with everything.

 

[Urchin]

Tell us what's bothering you Layla, I'm sure we'll have some advice, you know what we're like: yakyakyak!

 

[Rosebay]

do they help with night feeds?

Well my OH suffers from SAD so this time of the year is pants for him and it's all bound up with your body's sleeping patterns so I did not want him to disrupt his patterns if it made him feel bad so in the first few weeks when Elliott was getting me up several times a night I did the night shift with him in the nursery (we have a sofa bed in there) and my OH slept a normal night with earplugs in and then when it got to 7pm the next day he would do that feed and the one at 11pm so that I could sleep a good few hours before the night shift if you see what I mean? Easier because we're bottle feeding I guess. Now it's a bit more settled I probably do most of it but that said he did last night as I needed the sleep

would you make them help with night feeds if they drove for a living?

Probably not but then as I said I can handle the disrupted sleep and he really can't

how much do you do in the day, washing, house work, cooking etc?

It kind of depends. My OH works from home so it depends on whether he wants a break from work to cook and how easy it is to cook if Elliott's not in a happy mood. Our house is a tip but we cook from scratch every day. He probably cooks more often than I do these days but I do the washing and washing up etc.

what does your OH do when he gets home?

He's already home!

do you get time out for you?

Not lots but if I arrange it with him I do. I'm a Guide Leader so I always have that evening free and every other Saturday I've been grabbing a few hours to go out of the house and walk around a bit (depends on whether the local football club are at home you see!)

Hope this helps!
+++

 

[tracyM]

Stuart is the 'househusband and i'm back working 4 hours a day so he's probably doing more than he would if I wasn't working.

He does the midnightish feed as he's up at that time anyway, but I take Alex downstairs and get the bottle ready for him. Even if he drove for a living, he'd still do that feed as he'd be awake anyway. Once Stuart has gone to bed though, I sort Alex if he wakes

I do all the household tasks except the washing up and tidying the living room - I still have to 'clean' the living room though. He used to do a lot more but because I'm only working 4 hours I do them myself - it's quicker than waiting for him.

My only time out is when I go upstairs to work, or when all the kids are in bed, by which time I'm knackered. Stuart usually does a couple of bottles whilst I'm working, but I get called down a couple of times when Alex won't settle and it's usually because his clothes are wet or needs a nappy change.

I try and get everything done by the time the kids get home - anything left over waits until next day. If I tell Stuart to do stuff he'll do it eventually with a few reminders, but wouldn't notice for himself if anything needed doing. I'm still waiting for the stairs to get hoovered which haven't been done since before Alex - they'll be getting sticky soon!!!

Helping out with the other kids is where I give him a silver star (not quite gold ). He gets packed lunches ready, takes them to school, picks them up, gets their baths ready, washes hair and does tuck ins at night.

It really pisses me off when he tells people he's a househusband when he doesn't do half the stuff I would do as a housewife, but then I remind myself how much (or rather how little) my dad did around the house when he was home and I was little (he worked away for weeks and was home for weeks) - my mum had a stay in hospital when I was 3 and I apparantly lived on weetabix and cornflakes for a week and mum told him to stop bringing me to visit unless he changed my clothes - my dads hobby was stock car racing and I remember spending time with him repairing cars so I can imagine the state I would have been in.

It doesn't matter how hard or easy we are on them, I think they'll be as lazy as they can get away with. They know if they leave stuff long enough we'll do it anyway (either that or the night time fairies will). I'm learning to manipulate rather than nag - guilt trips!!!

Tracy xx

Oops, forgot he also changes lightbulbs and puts the rubbish out on a sunday night when he remembers

 

[michelle82]

Ben helped loads when I first had Matthew as the stiches hurt like hell when I did anything, hes gone back to work today so on my own but when he comes in it will be his time with Matthew and he baths him etc. I already said I would do the weeknights and he will have to do weekends to give me a break which I think is fair and he's agreed. Weekends everything will be shared again, I dont see that I should do everything we agreed to have a baby together so everything is 50/50.

 

[Layla]

thanks for your replies guys, I think im expecting a bit to much going by them.

my day is...

Jase goes to work at 7am, i feed Coby, wash, change and dress him, then i make sure charlie and ethan are ready and make breakie, then i get myself ready and we are all out the door, got to be at teh school for 8.45.

when i get back, the morning is my time to do stuff coz Coby sleeps untill 11/12ish
so i normaly do put washing away, put more on, wash up, hoover or polish or what ever needs doing, then i put the washing on the rads to dry. and also come on here off and on inbetween doing stuff.

then i Coby wakes up for a feed so i do that, change his bum, then try to have lucnh for myself.
from 12ish till 2.30 i send with Coby having cuddles and play etc. then i have to get to teh school for 2.45 to get the kids.

when we get home, Coby i snormaly asleep so i start dinner for us all, dinner is normaly on the table by 5pm. inbetween that i feed Coby and wash and sterolise his bottles.

after dinner i make bottles and wash up, then i bath charlie and ethan, do any home work they have the get them to bed at 7pm.

Jase gets home about 7pm ish and has dinner, then he will take Coby while i wash up his dinner stuff and clean the kitchen.

then while he wastches tv i will bath Coby, give him a bottle and get him ready for bed.

Jase will do the last feed of the day which is normaly around 11 or 12ish.

then i do the night feed and morning one to start teh day again....

if Coby throws his feed out by an hour, whihc he sometimes does, then he will wake up twicwe in teh night for a feed ( 2ish and 6ish)

2 nights ago i coulnt stop crying, it was about 3 in the monring and Coby would not go back to sleep, jase asked what was wrong, when i told him i was tired he just rolled over and went back tosleep!

he says i can slee when he gets home but i cant coz he doesnt do anything apart from sit and watch tv.

then last night he says he was tired so i did teh last feed of teh day aswell as all teh rest.

he drives for his job so i know i cant expect him to do night feeds, but i did expect a bit more help than this.

he was so good when i was pregnant so now its a bit of a shock, but then i think im prob expecting to much from him.

also we are buying a house so i have to go out at later and view 3 houses on my own.

im just shattered! but then i guess with a 3 week old baby i would be

sorry to go on, had to get all this out

xxx

 

[Layla]

just read through that, there are loads of spelling mistakes so sorry!

cant be bothered to go back through it and edit them all, but hopefuly you will understand what i wrote

xx

 

[Layla]

just wanted to add tho,

friday and saturday nights he will do a night feed, coz he has no work the next day.

he will aslo put washing on, but he doesnt fisnh it, its always me that has to sort out the dry washing and make room on teh rads for the washing he has put on

 

[Tiny Sue]

Do they help with night feeds?

My OH helps with the night feeds when he can, but lately he's been working very hard and having meetings etc which kind of annoys me when he says he wants to go to bed early to be fresh the next day. He knows I hate us going to bed at different times, there is less pillow talk*S* However, his point is that since I have great maternity leave (don't have to go back to work until mid June) and he is self employed and can't really take time off, I can sleep in and he really can't. Which is fair, I suppose.
When I was doing all the night feeds during the first week, he felt awful because I wore myself out. Now we take it more or less in turns unless there's a big meeting the following day for him.

Would you make them help with night feeds if they drove for a living?

Driving is terribly tiring. I don't know about that one but probably not. OH's brother in law has five kids and drives for a living...he is normally in bed at 9pm when we visit, to be up at 5 am. I suppose that I wouldn't make him...

how much do you do in the day, washing, house work, cooking etc?

Not much I'm a messy person and never really exerted myself to keep ahead of the house, though the heat is on when we are expecting guests! OH really helps out in the house, though, I hate vacuuming, so he does it. We tend to share such tasks equally, and he pitches in when he finishes work, as he works at home. Will often wash up during lunch hour.

What does your OH do when he gets home?
*L* He is at home!

Do you get time out for you?
If I need it, yes, or ask for it...if OH thinks I'm going a bit spare or looking tired he'll take the next feed and suggest that I get out for a bit...though at the moment I still can't drive which is frustrating the hell out of me.

By the time your OH gets home from work, have you done everything, i.e house work washing etc, or does it still need to be done, does OH help?
does Oh help out with your other children (if you have any).
Nope - and we don't have other kids ...yet...

Sue

 

[hearts81]

do they help with night feeds?
No. He starts work at 6am so I do them
would you make them help with night feeds if they drove for a living?
Probably not
how much do you do in the day, washing, house work, cooking etc?
Not much I tend to let it all build up at the mo then have a good old tidy at wkend.
what does your OH do when he gets home?
Walks dog then sits on couch watching tv till I go to work at 6pm then he sits on couch watching tv and holding Reece!!!
do you get time out for you?
No
by the time your OH gets home from work, have you done everything, i.e house work washing etc, or does it still need to be done, does OH help?
No the only thing I'll have done really is washed clothes and made his dinner. OH sometimes helps me wash dishes

 

do they help with night feeds?
Nope

would you make them help with night feeds if they drove for a living?
If they didn't have work the next day then yes, but otherwise no I guess not. I don't make Mark help during the week. If I ask I get is the 'I work all day and you can sleep during the day' excuse I can;t sleep during the day and he knows that.

how much do you do in the day, washing, house work, cooking etc?
I try and get some done, but I don't get much done in all honesty. I probably hoover once or twice a week, do washing every other day, washing up sometimes isn't done till the evening.

what does your OH do when he gets home?
Sits and plays on the playstation or watches telly...very f-ing useful

do you get time out for you?
Not really. If I do meet with a friend it's during the week when Mark is at work so I still have Damien, so it's not really that much 'me' time. Went out the other night for a few hours to a club for my friends birthday, but didn't drink because I knew i would still have to get up with Damien.

by the time your OH gets home from work, have you done everything, i.e house work washing etc, or does it still need to be done, does OH help?
It's not done so I try to do it when he gets home and in theory Mark can watch over Damien. He will give Damien his feed at about 6ish (or there abouts depending if he has thrown his 'routine' out or not )

does Oh help out with your other children (if you have any)
Not got any...yet. I want another...must be stupid.

Mark doesn't know what a washing machine is and won't learn how to use it. He makes dinner sometimes if I am tired. But mostly it is left to me - bloody supermum. Given up nagging/asking now. He does little things when I ask, but tends to huff a bit about it. If he is tired he needs to rest (play playstation/watch telly), but if I'm tired then I still have to carry on. He will sit with Damien but he is usually playing th PS at the same time. He absolutely loves Damien though don't get me wrong, Mark just doesn't have alot of initiative to help or take over for a while from me.

Try and get all the help you can Layla - some men are bloody useless! Sorry this thread wasn't meant ot be my rant, i just realised how little he really does do to help.

 

[Kim]

do they help with night feeds?
(see below)

would you make them help with night feeds if they drove for a living?No, he does actually drive for a living and it is dangerous to drive while tired, and the unsociable hours make it almost impossible as it doesn't fit in with Rubies feeds.


how much do you do in the day, washing, house work, cooking etc?
I do the washing up, hoover, a couple of loads of washing, make up bottles and generally tidy round before OH gets home at 1pm. I'd be in trouble if I didn't lol

what does your OH do when he gets home?
He has a bath, feeds and changes Rubie and takes care of his other son if he is here. Then he will do some DIY or house work

do you get time out for you?
No not really unless my mum comes and takes Rubie for a couple of hours. I don't have any time to myself on an evening as OH gos to bed at 9pm for work so I have to take care of Rubie by myself if she is awake.

by the time your OH gets home from work, have you done everything, i.e house work washing etc, or does it still need to be done, does OH help?
Most things are done and if they aren't he will do it.

does Oh help out with your other children (if you have any)
Yes he has another son to a previous marriage who lives with us part of the week and he does everthing for him when he is staying with us, as long as he isn't at work of course

 

[beanie]

Sami, Mark sounds similar to my OH. He comes in and goes upstairs to check his email and have a bath, two hours later he will come downstairs for his dinner!!!!! He has also been spending time on MSN talking to other people, which has not pleased me. I don't begrudge him his time on the computor, I spend time on it but he needs to spend time with his baby too. This has been a source of conflict as he doesn't see that I am also working, whilst I don't get a wage or go to an office I still work really hard and my job is 24 hours. We have "discused this" and to be fair to him he has got better, he will take Seren for a bit so I can have "a break" which usually means I catch up on the housework. I am breastfeeding but she has a top up at night which he gives to her. I don't mind looking after her in the night as OH can't feed her, and he does work on a building site so it would be dangerous for him to be tired but at the weekend I expect more from him. Like Mark he loves his daughter but also fails to use his initiative. His mates don't help either as they don't have kids and now think he is under the thumb. I know it can be hard for him to sit with her for a while as she was so little but she is getting bigger and starting to respond. He looked after her last week when I went out for a frien's meal but typically she was a little angel so he didn't have what I have on a daily basis.

 

[michelle82]

Well reading all these posts I can see how lucky I am to have Ben as he will do anything if I ask apart from the ironing!! (makes a mental note to teach Matthew how to iron when old enough!) I appreciate that they are the ones working full time etc but you both agree to have a baby so things should be shared, when Ben got in last night he went and got changed came back down and took Matthew off me as he missed him !!

 

[Urchin]

I think it's very important to communicate to your partner exactly what you expect of them.

For example, holding the baby for a bit while you fix dinner or have a shower IS NOT a chore, it is part of being a dad.

It's weird cos we look forward to them getting in from work almost as much as they do! We want them to get in and start helping.... they want to get in and chill out!
Perhaps finding a compromise, such as giving them 1/2 and hour when they get in to shower, change and have a cuppa would suit some people...?

 

[ToriElla]

my hubby just went back to work on wed so i'm not in any routine yet. havent had much time alone with the baby yet either due to visitors!

do they help with night feeds?
Nope, he has the quilt over his head!! he helped with a couple when on paternity leave but night times fall on my shoulders and i find them the hardest part of the day.

would you make them help with night feeds if they drove for a living?
No, i feel guilty asking if he has to get up for work, regardless of the job.

how much do you do in the day, washing, house work, cooking etc?
eva isnt sleeping too well at night yet so i feel like i should try and rest when she does but seeing housework build up stresses me out. i only seem to get housework done when someone is around to give me a hand but i hope i'll be able to fit the basics in when we are more settled! If not ill have to catch up at the weekend and evenings.

what does your OH do when he gets home?
whatever he wants really. goes on laptop etc. i tend to go and start the tea when he is in and get bottles sterolised etc. he does play with eva and feeds her if she needs it though.


do you get time out for you?
Not unless someone watches eva so i can have a bath or something. i tend to get housework done before i consider have a rest if someone sits with the baby. there is too much to fit in so i come last at the minute.

by the time your OH gets home from work, have you done everything, i.e house work washing etc, or does it still need to be done, does OH help?
I haven't so far, ive had to wait for him to get in to get things done. He helps tidy up if it is a bit messy but puts things in piles so i still have to sort them out.

men have it quite easy really don't they!