Help !

Discussion in 'Second Trimester' started by bbee, Jun 5, 2013.

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  1. bbee

    bbee Well-Known Member

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    Someone please help :(I'm having a breakdown, I'm just laying in the bath crying! My boyfriend has turned so horrible, I can't do it anymore :'( I want to be happy with my baby and not have some nasty, horrible person in my life:'( he shows no interest, at scans he sits there on his phone! He shouts at me when I cry because hes so nasty, I don't trust him, he doesn't care about me or the baby! He's ruining everything! He won't let me leave and he keeps saying he doesn't want anyone else bringing up his child, but if he stays and he stays like this me and the baby are going to be unhappy and this baby means everything to me, I don't want it to have to go through what I am going through every day! I want to maybe in a few years time meet someone who will love and take care of me and the baby!
    He used to be so nice but now he's awful to me and I feel trapped :'( I feel alone, I feel worthless, I just want to make me and my baby happy! :( xxx
     
  2. gemloulau

    gemloulau Well-Known Member

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    Hey bbee not sure what I can say other we're all here for you and whatever happens you've got our support. Only you can decide what's right for you and bubs so I won't say you should tell him to get stuffed! Stay strong chick xx
     
  3. Gemsy

    Gemsy Well-Known Member

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    You are both very young aren't you? Are you still living at home? Are your parents any help?
     
  4. merlin

    merlin Well-Known Member

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    Hun you need to make sure you know what you want and act!
    I met the father of my first child when I was 16, fell out with my mother because of him and left home to live with him at 17. Within 2 months I had realised I had made a terrible mistake but felt scared and trapped by him and his family. My mother wasn't talking to me and felt I couldn't go home. So I stayed put, was pregnant ( accident!) at 20 which made me feel even more trapped! My daughters father was truly useless and a nasty piece of work. He didn't work, never has to this day somehow, he took his frustration, boredom, anger out on me. I felt totally worthless and scared. I used to have dreams about killing him, and make plans in my head on how I could leave without anyone knowing long enough for me to get away.

    Anyway in the end my mum found out what was going on and 'rescued' me. I wouldn't have left without her help. My daughter was 2 and a half. I had wasted 7 years of life being desperate and unhappy.
    This affected me for years, and its was only 2 years ago ,my nightmares stopped, it took 13 years!
    If you are feeling how you say you are get out now. Don't waste your life as I did!

    Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk 4 Beta
     
  5. bbee

    bbee Well-Known Member

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    Thank you , I really appreciate it, don't know what id do without pf and you ladies!xx
     
  6. merlin

    merlin Well-Known Member

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    Sorry if I speak out of turn, just got that red mist, you reminded me so much of myself when I was younger!

    Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk 4 Beta
     
  7. bbee

    bbee Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for your reply merlin! I am seriously considering leaving him but everytime I try he just literally doesn't let me! And if I leave he will still pester me and ruin my future for me and my baby. I've really has enough now, I've given him the chance to change and be supportive but he's just gradually got worse :';

    Gemsy, I am sixteen he is nineteen (the age difference does startle some people :p) we both genuinely loved each other but over the year he's dramatically changed! I am at home and my parents do advice me what to do but I only I can act on it and I try to leave him but it just ends up with him shouting at me and blaming me for everything :'( I hate talking about him like this but he's not the boy I fell inlove with anymore :'(

    Xxxx
     
  8. Gemsy

    Gemsy Well-Known Member

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    :lol: you don't have to tell me about age difference, my OH is 15 years older than me! Now THAT shocks people :lol:

    I think you really need to speak to your parents - you need their support on matters like this. As you will be well aware, this is not just about the two of you anymore, there is a little one dependant on you for a good upbringing - behavior like this is not acceptable, particularly around children.
     
  9. cam

    cam Well-Known Member

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    aww hun i know how your feeling my daughters dad was similar, he made me feel so miserable when i was pregnant with her but i wanted to make it work for my babys sake so stayed. Wish i had just left him then as it just got worse its easy to say now though but just couldnt do it at the time, when i finally came to my senses he told me i couldnt leave blah blah well i did and there was nothing he could do and me and my daughter were much happier. I hope you sort it out whatever you choose to do you deserve to be treated like a princess :)
     
  10. Lulubelle

    Lulubelle Well-Known Member

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    When I was 17, I was dating a 36 year old, and my current husband is 60 to my 30 - what can I say, I like older men, but all thats by the by.

    Without wanting to worry you 25% of all women will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives with more than a third starting during pregnancy. There are lots of reasons for this, added stress, fear, the partners realisation that they are not so free just to walk away.

    You need to take a break from this relationship. If you don't feel you can talk to your mum about it, try a Student Support Officer or your form tutor at school - I know that you are doing exams now but the school still has a duty of care to you and if you explain what you are experiencing the child protection officer will talk to you. If you don;t want to do this then just talking to GP or midwife will help.

    He may realise that he has made a mistake and change his ways, but be wary about diving head first into a relationship again.

    Domestic abuse does not have to get physical before it does you serious damage. Threatening you and stopping you from leaving is seriously worrying, it will grind your self-esteem down until you feel you cannot leave.

    You are unlikely to be able to do this without support either from family of professionals.

    The three lights at the end of the tunnel for you are that a. you recognise that there is a problem and b. you have family who will support you and c. you realise that you are the only one who can make the change. Your two biggest responsibilities are for yourself and for your baby, a stressed mummy in an abusive relations before or after baby is born is not the best situation for you.

    If you ever need to chat, PM me or rant on the forums. But take action, all of this around your exams at the same time is not good for you!
     
  11. Gemsy

    Gemsy Well-Known Member

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    Couldn't agree more with Lulubelle - she speaks a lot of sense!
     
  12. bbee

    bbee Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much. I really appreciate your reply , it has helped me out a lot! I feel very alone at the moment so this support is really helping :) xx
     
  13. Plaztikman

    Plaztikman Well-Known Member

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    Hate stories like this cos the first thing I think is "if its gradually got worse, why have a baby?" I can already sense a baby here without a father and the baby isn't even born yet, it disgusts me :-/ the baby has done nothing wrong it didn't ask to be made and I sense a life for this baby fatherless. You need to stop saying "my baby" you should be saying "our baby" he is part of this too and he needs some sort of involvement in this babies life, for the babies sake.

    I hate stories like this, me and my girl have been together 10 years - we waited until we new that we were meant to be before doing any of this. Hate pregnancies which are "not planned" where the person suffering in the end is always the baby who didn't asked to even be involved. It was the two of you who decided to have an unprotected fcuk when your not even happy with the relationship.

    You both need to sit down and talk and get this sorted before the baby is here. The baby needs the father in the life and your bloke needs to understand that.


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  14. Geekachublog

    Geekachublog Well-Known Member

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    I'd rather my baby was fatherless and happy and safe, than sticking with someone "just because", unfortunately not everyone has the choice to be with someone for a really long time before falling pregnant, these things happen, this is real life. In a magical world where everything was perfect, then yes, couples would fall in love, get married (if they chose to) and settle down to have children, but for most unfortunately it doesn't happen like that.

    I really feel for you Bbee, life has a habit of biting you in the arse when you think everything is going great, did his attitude/behaviour change since finding out that you're pregnant?

    I hate to say, but the other girls are right, you need to get out of this loveless, potentially dangerous relationship before it's too late, legally and physically he can't stop you leaving, he can have access to his child, which can be worked out amicably (if he wants it, which isn't always the case), but I really don't think you can stay with this man as I think you're putting yourself and your child in a potentially dangerous situation.

    I absolutely LOATHE when people "stay together for the kids". It doesn't ever work and children aren't stupid, they'll grow up knowing that it's happening.

    Ultimately only you can make the decision about your next move, you seem to have a good support network so whatever decision you make should be whatever is best for you and your child, if you can't work things out with this person, then you need to both be separate and happy, you need to make it abundantly clear that you're not ever going to keep him from his child but that you both need to be happy, only you can decide whether that's together or apart.
     
  15. katieelisexo

    katieelisexo Well-Known Member

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    The OP is going through what sounds like a potentially abusive situation and your response is absolutely disgusting. It's not the first time you've responded to a post of quite a serious matter with some child like response.

    I myself haven't got the babies father involved AT all. Does that mean I'm a bad mother and my child is doomed from the start?

    Babies are made unplanned. It's a fact! But that doesn't mean that her baby, or my baby or anyone else who as an unplanned baby is any less deserving of it, or the baby will be any less loved than a planned baby.


    I can understand the point you're making but it's a very, very one sided point and the mother in most babies lives is the most important and the OP needs to do what she feels right for herself and HER unborn baby.
     
  16. Dotty_woman

    Dotty_woman Well-Known Member

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    We're things like this before your bfp? If so, did you have unprotected sex or did your contraception fail? If it's the former, then there was always the chance this could happen and bringing a baby into this environment isn't healthy. I do feel for you but as Plazticman says, it isn't just "your" baby and not a decision to be taken lightly. Perhaps your boyfriend is feeling pushed aside and this can lead to apathy and a sense of rejection for your OH. I think you need to talk to each other before making any decisions. Good luck with whatever you decide but remember being a single mum isn't a walk in the park. xxx
     
  17. bbee

    bbee Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for your replies everyone and your opinions do matter but actually we never planned this baby and I took the morning after pill less than twelve hours later, I never in a million years thought that it would fail! And I told him that he can be as involved as he wants to be but I am going to be keeping this baby. He used to ring me and shout down the phone that he hates me and the baby? Does that sound like a father that loves his child? He says he wants to be involved but he says stuff like that? he says that when it's older he's going to tell it that it was an accident and that he never wanted it? How is that fair? The only reason why I say my baby is because I am the one who loves it, cares for it and wants the best for it! I apologise If you don't like this story plaztikman, believe it or not nor do I. My baby will be happy and loved whatever I decide to do!

    Thank you for your replies and support, I really appreciate it xxxx
     
  18. H16

    H16 Well-Known Member

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    In an ideal world the father would want to be involved in the childs life but we all know it doesn't always work like this and I think having a dig at people for unplanned pregnancies is completely unfair. My pregnancy was unplanned this time too but that does not mean I don't love this baby to bits and adore it already and I know I will be a bloody good mum as will bbee - she recognises there is an issue and wants to do the best by her baby. I am in a happy relationship but my OH's initial reaction to the news was to freak out and panic that he is too young etc (he is 30!) he came around though and we are both really excited about things now :)

    My own mother fell pregnant 5 times unplanned - she was taking the pill and even had a coil but nothing worked, she is just extremely fertile as are more women than you think. It happens. My mum was married to her first love at 18 and after she got pregnant (which was planned - not that it matters) he turned into an asshole and went round telling everyone the child wasn't his etc even though it was the spitting image of him and he cheated on her etc so she kicked his ass out on Christmas day. Some people just turn into absolute whack jobs at the prospect of responsibility sadly.

    My mum was a single mum of 2 for quite a few yrs before she met my dad but she was a brilliant mum and my brothers adored her and did not suffer from not having a father figure. There are some bloody brilliant single mums out there and I am sure if you end up splitting up you will be one of them bbee.

    The most important thing is to take care of yourself hun, and try not to get too stressed out as it won't do you or bubs any good.

    Here anytime you want to talk *hugs* xxx
     
  19. Cosmogirl7

    Cosmogirl7 Well-Known Member

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    Bbee you sound like you've got your head screwed on, no matter what you'll have your little baby and will be a great mum. I agree with the other ladies you need to do what is best for you. You take care, try speak to an older friend, cousin or your mum who can help you out. Boys are idiots!!! Xxx
     
    #19 Cosmogirl7, Jun 6, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2013
  20. Plaztikman

    Plaztikman Well-Known Member

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    My missus was brought into this world when her mother was 16, in a violent relationship, and my missus has had the worst up bringing I've ever known, not all of these babies without a father while enjoy it, when they are old enough to understand they will wonder who their dad is. I think if the man is responsible enough to see his child, he should, he shouldn't be blocked from access just because you two don't get on. If you new what my missus life was like brought up in a situation like this, you would see my point. She's 25 now and still not got over it, she has the confidence of a spoon. If you don't like what I say, fair enough, but at least understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. You woman will stick together, I'm the only male her, this may be why my reason differs from you all.



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