Help!! What's happening to my marriage?!

[KarolinaMoon]

I am the mother of two lovely little girls aged almost 4 and 1. Following the birth of my second daughter, things got really tough. She would cry (scream!) 24 hours a day and would only sleep for short periods of time. At around 6 months she was eventually diagnosed with reflux and dairy intolerance and has been seeing a specialist at the hospital since. This situation and sleep deprivation has taken its toll on me and I began suffering from anxiety. To make matter worse my husbands work fell through (due to a funding issue) and he is now unemployed.
All this has put a massive strain on our relationship. I wonder if he is even the same man I married, often asking myself has he always been like this only I am just realising now what he is really like.
I feel like he takes me for granted, and doesn't really understand how awful I feel. He switches off when I tell him I'm not feeling well and moans that I go on and on about it. He tells me he knows looking after 2 kids is hard work, but that it's easy enough when you have no other pressures or thing to do during the day. This makes me feel like I'm a failure for feeling at times like i cant cope, that I have no right to feel bad.

He says that he is trying to get work for us both so he can pay for the house etc...but that I'm not trying to get extra money, by going for promotions etc. I have been off on maternity leave and I am currently on sick leave. We can't send our second daughter to nursery and have no family near by to help. So I have no choice to stay at home. I have no interest in going for promotion anyway, but to have that thrown in my face has just left me even more furious at him.

I have no idea what to do anymore. It's getting to the stage now that I can't stand him, that everything about him even how he speaks winds me up (the wrong way!!). He just doesn't isn't the same man I married. When is a this to him, he accuses me of changing him....saying that I have made him this way.

So, I'm at a loss as to what to do. I am still so angry at him, and talking to each other is quite impossible these days.

Anyone else have similar experience...is this just a passing phase? (Though it seems to have been going on too long now!). X

 

[northerngirl]

Hi Karolina, I thought I'd reply as we seem to be having a very similar experience at the moment. I developed post natal psychosis after having Felix (our only son who's 14 months) and I generally never coped with the stress of working and having a baby. My partner was made redundant when Felix was 4 months old and has only just started to get some work in now, so finances have been difficult and it's been up to me to keep things afloat.
Like you I've been feeling this way about my partner too as since losing his job he can be a nightmare a lot of the time, really moody and unpleasant, just not the man I fell in love with.
I'm afraid I can't offer much practical advice as such, but I will say that being out of work and not being the provider can do a lot to a man's confidence, which in turn can really affect how they act.
If your husband feels anything like mine, then he's probably very frustrated and stressed inside, and hopefully when things get back to normal for you then he'll become more like the person you know.
If you want to talk any more about it then message me xo

 

[Dotty_woman]

I'm sorry to hear you're having a bad time at the moment. Money problems put a big strain on relationships and can cause resent. I have a two year old daughter and returned to work 4 days a week after my maternity leave. I have a pretty good job but my OH has been the main breadwinner. He has worked freelance for the last 20 years. This has meant between assignments he occasionally has a a month or two off which we can afford because the nature of his work means it pays better than permanent work. He had been working for 3 years on one assignment, taking off time for holidays etc but has now been taking "time off" for over 15 months and I am now really stressed about our finances and this is now affecting our relationship. Are there any savings you can make to relieve your money concerns? Is there any scope for him to look after the children to free you up for more hours and give you a bit of time for yourself, once you are feeling a bit better? I know sitting down and discussing things is what everyone will say you should too but when you're stressed, not feeling well and angry at him, that's the last thing you feel like doing. I decided to go and see a counsellor, which I appreciate may not be an option if finances are really tight but perhaps if you saw your GP you might be able to get a referral. I've only been twice now but actually talking to someone about what I am feeling, is starting to help, I think. Perhaps if you start to feel good about yourself, other things will improve. I have started going for walks on my own to get bit of personal space. Being stuck together in the house might be getting claustrophobic for you. Have you any friends that could have the kids even if only for an hour or so, just to give you a break? xxx