Grrrr sad sad sad

[EmilyB]

Hi all

I don't often post but I just have to because I am so cross and upset!

I am 35 and I am at the end of my 2ww with my second round of IUI.

We have "unexplained" infertility - which makes me soooo cross!

My OH has a son already and his results x 2 came back fine.

All my tests, hycosy etc came back perfect.

Everything is PERFECT apart from NOTHING is working.

So for 15 months we've been trying means 15 possible times and still NOTHING. Not a hint of a line nothing. I have never been pregnant and I just cant see that I ever will!

All the treatment on offer for infertility is basically there to fix a problem which we dont have so how is it going to help??

None of my friends of family have had problems - NONE - all my friends a my sister have just had first or second and I know they will soon have their next ones and I am just being left behing.

Even my OH's son's mum is pregnant by someone she MET AFTER WE STARTED TRYING.

Babies are everywhere and I can't cope. I can't.

Our next step is IVF which (and obvs I could be wrong) I am sure will go swimmingly just like the IUI - perfect sample, perfect follicles, perfect lining of my womb, even my cervix was perfect when they inserted the catheter - which i am afraid will just result in more disappointment...

I have been a mess for this IUI cycle - I feel SO angry and I cry all the time - even in the street, i cant help it.

Its just so unlike me and the whole situation just feels out of control.

We've had all the tests and they are all fine but still the only thing to do is IVF.

If we had a problem, I would feel like there is a point, but if everything is perfect then how is "treatment" going to help.

The whole process is destroying me and I can't get away from feeling like this.

My nephew is one in two weeks time and I even mentioned to my mum about not going because we will be the only people not bringing a baby - and if I am like i am at the moment, i wont be able to put on a brave face because my emotion will get on top of me.

It shouldnt be this hard unless there is something to fix and then I would put everything in to treating that problem. But when the problem hasn't been found then really what is the point.

I emailed an old family friend who i knew had been trying for ages and now has a baby hoping that maybe her story would make me feel better but she told me she tried fo 4 years without tests and finally get clomid (before any blood tests etc) and got pregnant on second cycle so she clearly wasn't ovulating and clomid sorted it. Where she had 2 chances, I have had FIFTEEN.

I don't know what to do with myself - I can't pull myself out of this really horrible place.

Sorry everyone - a totally negative post.

I know this cycle hasn't worked because after 15 attempts you just "know" plus i did an FRER at 11 dpo (yesterday) and it was as white as white could be. When i phoned the clinic and asked a nurse if i could stop the progesterone she said it was to early and to test tomorrow and that advise has made me angry too because I just want to accept another failure without false hope.

Where does anyone go from here - i have loads of friends and great family and an amazing boy friend but I feel a million miles away from them all and I am SO cross with them and with the universe.



Sorry again xx

 

[Kay Kay]

Ok missus, first off you need to stop apologising for feeling this way! I seem to remember a very wise lady telling Chaza and the rest of us to be kind to ourselves and not to underestimate what we're going through? She talked a lot of sense!

I haven't started IUI yet but can only imagine how disheartening it must feel. And I've had 24 unsuccessful chances also unexplained! It's the most frustrating thing in the world esp when every one around us has babies and you feel like the only one. But you're not alone hun, you have all of us and we totally understand how hard this is. Wish I could give you a massive hug

Now for the practical bit and you may not like this....it sounds to me that at 11dpo you are having major PMT. I only say this because I suffer from PMT really badly and I usually get it around that time in my cycle. Everything you are feeling I feel every month. I cry at the drop of a hat and can't handle the whole subject of ttc. In other words I'm a basketcase. I know that is depressing and I don't want you to give up hope cos there is ALWAYS a chance that this will be it, it's just maybe an explanation as to why you're feeling so bad? You are always so strong and level headed in your posts so that would suggest to me that this is PMT, coupled with the stress of IUI. But these feelings should pass soon and you will feel more like yourself again. Hard to imagine at the moment though, I know. It could, of course, also be early pregnancy emotions?? You never know hun.

You know that IUI is most successful on the 2nd or 3rd try so if there's no BFP this month then chances are it'll happen on the 3rd go. I know it's hard hun but try and keep the faith And you know we are here for you xxxxx pm anytime chick

 

[LouiseB]

I totally get where you are coming from Emily, i'm so sorry that you aren't coping very well at the moment

Not knowing what is wrong is such an awful place to be

You know what i'd bet my money on it being right at this moment?

Your eggs being tough as old boots.

The sperm can't get in because they don't come equipped with a chain saw and that is something that would easily be overcome with ICSI (not IVF).

I don't mean to make light of your suffering, but honestly i don't think that you are up shit creek just yet

It's not an usual problem, it's just something that happens with age to everyone. You are still young enough to carry a child and all of that good stuff so please don't give up.

Take what you can get from the Nhs because you never know and then knuckle down to an ICSI cycle asap. It'll work for you. Not a problem

Please try and enjoy other people's kids though, especially relatives. I like to prove to the cosmos that i'd be a good mum even in trying times. It's no good if you can't suck it up for the kids sake and stick a smile on your face because i think mums have to do that a lot and you'll feel better for it too. Good practice xx

 

[CARNAT22]

Gawd Emily, you poor love!

My situation is very different but in some respects as equally frustrating and sometimes I have days when I could literally give up (and I mean give up the whole TTC idea along with giving up getting out of bed in the morning)

Most of my friends have kids, my sister - who is 8 years younger than me - has 2 kids.

I watch people on here come along and get their BFP [and healthy bean] in their first cycle and it just makes me so frigging mad and sad...

As I say I know I am in a different position but I do understand.

I cannot say anything to make you feel better, I can trot out all the "keep the faith" cliches but I won't as I know they don't help.

All I will say is don't let a bad few days become a bad week and then a bad week become a bad month?

Keep strong!

You write beautifully by the way! Maybe that can be your outlet?

xxxxxxxx

 

[EmilyB]

Thank you Kay Kay, Louise and Carnat - Uggggh I just feel awful

Kay Kay - yes I am sure it is PMT but I have had it for most of this month! And I know... it's easy to give advice but harder to believe it when you are trying to tell yourself...

Louise - I know all about ICSI thanks to you I am not sure if it is my eggs - I hope it is. I just have this feeling that it is something to do with implantation and I am so worried that they can't do anything about this bit

Carnat - thanks for saying I write nicely (I am not even sure I know what I wrote I was in such as state when I wrote it!

You're all lovely - thank you

I'm sorry I don't post much, I only post when I have feel like I have something to say that hasn't been said already if you know what I mean..

Love to you all - thank you and thanks for being firm xx

 

[CARNAT22]

I had a Freudian slip and called you Emma (my sisters name LOL)

I have corrected my post now hun

xxxxxxx

 

[LouiseB]

If you really think it could be implantation then i'd start on baby aspirin. It's supposed to be good for all round health and if all your other tests are coming back alright, then maybe density is what is causing the issue.

They can definitely do something about implantation, but they have to have reason to agree with you before prescribing something more potent. I had to have immune issues which cover the whole implantation/miscarriage thing but they were £2500 just for the tests xx

 

[EmilyB]

Louise - I have had NK testing (mine came back high) but my consultant doesn't believe they cause any issues... I know predisolone (sp) is prescribed but we are being treated somewhere different to where the testing was done.

Maybe they will take it seriously if we start IVF (we are private so I guess if we pay they will prescribe).

That said, he really doesn't believe that they will cause any issues with implanting..

 

[EmilyB]

Carnat - no worries! Emily is my sister's name I was super paranoid when I set up my profile plus she got pregnant first time so I though it would bring me luck!

 

[LouiseB]

You're joking?! That's crazy!

I can appreciate that some doctors don't believe in them etc etc but at the end of the day the medications don't do any harm, so if you've already paid for the tests and the results came back a bit dodgy then it just seems to me that wannabe parents would rather try anything than risk doing nothing.

Well, that's how i feel anyway... as i rattle from all the bloody medications they put me on

 

[EmilyB]

Yes - we are seeing the consultant again on Friday so I will talk to him about it again.

We had a really bad experience with the consultant who diagnosed me as having high NK cells - I said that I'd read on a forum that if we went to him then the results would more than likely come back "high" as his normal level was lower than generally accepted. And asked what the normal level was and he did NOT like being questioned! He sort of flipped and then shortly after gave me an internal scan (nice) and then our treatment by his clinic went down hill from there until we found somewhere else. So when the new consultant didn't agree with the results I happily believed him...

It is def worth asking again thou isn't it

 

[LouiseB]

You know Emily, if I'm perfectly honest I'm under the impression that the vast majority of people who have the tests will be advised to take some kind of medication.

I was shocked when I had to take all these meds and I feel that my results are either borderline or implied rather than me actually suffering symptoms.

I think it's a combination of the treatments being new and difficult to prove either way and the situation normally being pretty desperate by the time the women get tested so worth trying anything instead of giving up.

If you would feel better starting on something regardless then your consultant should appreciate that if no harm is done

I don't really know if immune issues would stop you ever having a BFP though... I hope you consultation goes well xx

 

[Chazabell]

Oh Emily

It does get tough doesnt it? Im preparing myself for my 28th BFN, but looking forward to IUI, but know im gonna be a mess if it doesnt work.

I asked about why they thought we wernt catching and they said i was classed as 'unexplained' but due to my PCOS they think i have ovulation issues and dont always release my eggs....so im still confused.

I know everyone will tell you, it will happen, you have this to do, and that to try, don't beat yourself up. In a way all those kind words do help, but only when you stop beating yourself up about it. Im 26 and a veteran in LTTTC it sucks, but im taing on board what your councillor told you and its helping me put things into perspective.

Try to stay positive untill you get your BFP or AF. We are all here to support you or slap you or what ever you need xxxx

 

[EmilyB]

Yep I agree with all you said above. Treating the unbroken just in case because it can't hurt - its a bit sad isn't it...

Tomorrow is another day xx

 

[EmilyB]

Thanks Chaz - I am pleased my counsellor helped you

I would be really positive about iui if I were you! If there is something that just needs a nudge then iui could well be just the ticket so stay positive please!

You've all been very good to me and I really appreciate it and if I go to my counsellor again I promise to post any more useful bits - sometimes a few words in the right order make all the difference to your sense of perspective and rational thought don't they?

Xx

 

[Gizzy Kelly]

Hi Emily

My hubby and I have unexplained infertility and we have been TTC since September 2009. It is very frustrating and at times I feel very deflated. I ovulate regulary and I have regular periods, my hubby sperm count is good. It does not make sense and every month I go through what you and lots of others on here do. I Feel very very annoyed and frustrated that it is just not happeneing and there is no problem. neil and i cannot seme to do what other people find so easy and that is hard to deal with. We have been referred now for IVF. I never imagined being here but if this is what it will take then we will do it. I wonder whether they will try us on IUI at first? Hopefully we will know more when we get our appointment.

I don't know what to say to you other than to tell you that I know how you feel and so do the other girls on here. When you want to rant go ahead, god knows the amount of fed up threads I have posted. I am not sure sometimes whether it is better to find a problem or better to have no issues, both are frustrating. Like the girls have said above ICSI may be the way forward. We were actually told that IUI has a low success rate and you have just as much chance getting pregnant if you carried DTD over the course of one month so don't despair if this month does not work out. Remember that ICSI is a much better success rate, plus you are private so you know you can start next cycle if you want and dont have to wait.

Good luck with it all hon!!

Love Gizmo xxx

 

[EmilyB]

Thanks Gizzy I hope you get answers soon too xx

 

[mrspc]

emily, hope you're feeling more positive today? xxx

 

[EmilyB]

Thanks Mrs pc...
I'm ok... Blood test confirmed bfn - I knew anyway thou.

I am going to take a month off and enjoy our holiday in the Maldives in March and drink way to many cocktails!

Love to all xx

 

[CARNAT22]

The Maldives..... N-I-C-E

Have an amazing time

xxxxxxxxxx