funnies.... men jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Friends' started by hayley, Nov 10, 2005.

  1. hayley

    hayley Well-Known Member

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    Marriage - Part I

    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on > table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old > buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

    His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night..........whether you're here or not."

    (DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
    ************************************

    Marriage (Part II)

    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"

    "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

    (HE ASKED FOR IT!)
    ******************************

    Marriage (Part III)

    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

    After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long
    to answer the phone?"

    She says, "I was in bed."
    "In bed this early, doing what?"
    "Getting a second opinion!"

    (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
    ******************************************

    Marriage (Part IV)

    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave
    as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
    His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

    (RIGHT ON, LADY!)
    **************************************
    Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
    at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a
    piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

    **************************************

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
     
  2. honey7733

    honey7733 Well-Known Member

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    pmsl

    very good
     
  3. charlie_chalk

    charlie_chalk Well-Known Member

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    lmao. :D thnks 4 posting them, they have cheered me up on what seems 2 be a very down day. :cry: .

    claire
    xxx
     
  4. Guest

    PMSL!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  5. rach

    rach Well-Known Member

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    nice one hayley hun after a naff day at work that really cheered me up xxxxxxx
     
  6. Blackfairykitten

    Blackfairykitten Well-Known Member

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    love the last one :p
     
  7. Tara & Liam

    Tara & Liam Well-Known Member

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    very funny Hayley

    LMAO

    :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
     
  8. Blackfairykitten

    Blackfairykitten Well-Known Member

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    A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee
    When she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the
    Nearby cemetery.
    A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
    Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

    The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the
    woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I
    know now is a badtime to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
    Whose funeral is it?"

    "My husband's."

    "What happened to him?"

    The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

    She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

    The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
    husband when the dog turned on her."

    A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the
    two women.

    "Can I borrow the dog?"

    "Get in line."

    A Woman's Prayer:

    Dear Lord,
    I pray for:
    > >> > Wisdom, To understand a man.
    > >> > Love, To forgive him and;
    > >> > Patience, For his moods.
    > >> > Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
    > >> > I'll just beat him to death.
     
  9. Lisamum3

    Lisamum3 Well-Known Member

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    pmsl hunny
    xxxxxxxxx
     
  10. Little Miss Joslyn

    Little Miss Joslyn Well-Known Member

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    They are great and so true. MEN, We cant live with them but cant live without them. They are good for one thing though..... making babies!!!
    Nic x
     

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