Found out my husband has cheated

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by LucyC, Jan 3, 2021.

  1. LucyC

    LucyC Well-Known Member

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    Please be kind, I just don’t know what to think, I’ve found out today that my husband has had an affair, that went on whilst we were trying for a baby and lasted throughout the pregnancy, we have been together 14 years, married 4, we’ve had our ups and downs but we are mostly happy, we we’re beyond happy throughout the pregnancy, this has absolutely knocked me for six, my parents got divorced when I was a baby and I really don’t want my little girl to have to go through the same, it probably sounds ridiculous but I just want it to all go away and to have never found out. He is full of regret and wants to make things work but can a marriage survive this.
     
  2. night owl

    night owl Well-Known Member

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    Oh what a nightmare for you, I’m so sorry you’re going through this

    obviously he has acted like a *******, what happens next though depends on whether you think the relationship can be repaired and whether you will genuinely be able to forgive and forget and move forward from it

    do you think he is genuinely regretful? How did you find out? Is it definitely over with them?
     
  3. Donna88

    Donna88 Well-Known Member

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    Night owl has said what I would too.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this - nobody can tell you what to do, but we're here for support in whatever you decide.
     
  4. LucyC

    LucyC Well-Known Member

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    Thank you both.

    he seems genuinely regretful, promising the world, but there has been so many lies im not sure what to think.

    I found out because the other woman contacted me, annoyed because he had ended it and refused to reignite things, apparently she had been threatening to tell me for months and finally did when he refused to meet up with her.
     
  5. Kholl

    Kholl Well-Known Member

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    Oh no Lucy I’m so sorry. What a total nightmare.

    Going forward, only you know what you can cope with and what you can’t. I think the harsh reality is that things will never be the same (which might not be all bad). Only you know what you can tolerate. You’ll always live with the affair. Over years and decades you’ll have moments of being ok and moments of intense grief and rage and wondering. My ex cheated on me and it still hurts, 18 years later. I’m over him completely, but that pain stays forever.

    When I met my husband I was an addict with a lot of issues. I’ve been sober well over a decade and 100% truthful about everything all the time with him since before then. And yet, there are some days he’ll give me “that” look and ask me if I’m ok (code for Have i taken something). And I haven’t done that since the year we met! I haven’t slipped up in the last 95% of our relationship! But those hurts linger. They stay. Every year that passes he wonders less and less, and that would happen with you too, if your husband stays true. But it will always hurt. I hate to say it so bluntly, but you have to know what you’ll be choosing and the reality of your life moving forward. You’ll never “get over” it... but you might learn to live with it. It depends on your temperament. I know women who have learned to live with their husband’s past affair(s). I know I never could, because I already know how it feels.

    Hugs, huge hugs. I’m so sorry and I wish it had never happened.
     
  6. night owl

    night owl Well-Known Member

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    I think another thing aswell is that if you choose to stay with him you will need to get to the root cause of why he has had the affair and make sure whatever that is it’s fixed going forward, I mean was he just bored, or confused or stressed or something, although none of these are acceptable excuses and possibly expose something of his true character, he should be willing to work on whatever has caused him to do this to show you show committed and remorseful he is
     
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  7. Mrsbridge17

    Mrsbridge17 Well-Known Member

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    I am so sorry to hear this! As others have said only you can decide what you are ok with and if your marriage can survive.

    From personal experience I have forgiven a far less serious offence the same intention was there but it didn’t get that far and I still get angry about it 6 years on.

    As hard as it is my suggestion would be to take a step back for as long as you need. As you say this went on for months, and he obviously never had any intention of being honest with you. They are always sorry, don’t know why they did it etc etc taking a step back just helps you get a clear mind and will make him sweat a little!

    Big hugs xx
     
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  8. LucyC

    LucyC Well-Known Member

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    Thank you ladies, really appreciate the support and for you sharing your experiences.

    i think you are right I definitely need to take a step back and try to process all of this.

    He has said he has low self esteem and it was all about sex.

    He suggested relationship counselling which I guess maybe useful regardless of which way we decide to go.
     
    Kholl likes this.
  9. Mrsbridge17

    Mrsbridge17 Well-Known Member

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    Whatever you decide don’t rush or feel pressured into anything. This might sound selfish but take this time for you dont take his feelings into account.

    xxx
     
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  10. Kitana

    Kitana Moderator

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    Oh hun, I'm so sorry to read this!
    It's all so much worse when you're pregnant!
    I think the ladies have given good advice. Marriage counseling could help.
    I think you're still shocked and disappointed from the revelation but I think the anger is yet to come. I don't know whether I could accept to live with any kind of cheating from my other half because I would get suspicious over any kind of interaction he will have with a woman. There must have been a reason or motive for his deceit and consciously conceal it. I would find it difficult if it was because of me, I would doubt myself endlessly and resent him for looking for something else. Even if it was "just sex", he could have had it with you.
    Did the woman tell you why she went to bed with him? Did he say his marriage wasn't going well? Did he promise her would leave you for her? I would try to talk to the woman, you have nothing to lose since your marriage is already in a rough patch.
    I once had a fling with a man who had told me he was going to leave his wife, that he was just getting enough money together to leave the house to her and get his suitcase and go. I believed him! Then when I got annoyed of him saying he was "going to leave his partner", I confronted him and he cut me off from his life. I found out later they were actually trying for a baby and had just bought a bigger car! I was beside myself with rage, I wanted to write that woman too but I didn't. Because for her, he was still the man of her dreams. I didn't want to destroy them. They have a child now and are still together. He has tried contacting me again several times during the years following but I never wrote him back.
    Honestly hun, try to get to the bottom of this and try to find out what happened. You can only heal if you know what happened and why it happened. There has to be a reason why that woman wanted you to know so badly, because that is a big step to take.
    I hope you can get some sleep, we will be here for you if you need to have a chat.x
     
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  11. LucyC

    LucyC Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Kitana.

    I had been thinking I needed to have a chat with her, but I actually know of her and am friends with her on social media and what I know of her is that she is not a particularly nice person, enjoys causing drama and arguing with people regularly. Even though I have the message that she sent me and it is written in black and white she is now denying that she told me they had an affair and saying if I could think that they’d had an affair then I must be insecure. so I’m not sure I will get any kind of truth or sense out of her.

    he showed me the messages last night of the days leading up to her messaging me where she is begging him to meet up with her, saying that they hadn’t slept together for 12 months and she thought if they did then he would change his mind about her, asking him to meet up and sleep with her to see and he refused which led to her messaging me.

    I crossed paths with this girl when I was 8 months pregnant, she knew I was pregnant with his child after their affair had started. As we were friends on social media she saw posts about us having bought a new house, posts about us being pregnant, posts announcing the birth, photos of us on holiday together so she can not say that she didn’t know about these things.

    he says he always told her he would never leave me for her and times she asked he always said it would never happen, but I only have his word for that right now.

    I do think I probably still haven’t accepted what he has done and maybe am in denial. It’s all just such a mess.
     

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