Feeling trapped. [Long post]

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by huffleclaw, Aug 21, 2020.

  1. huffleclaw

    huffleclaw New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2020
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    I just joined here a few minutes ago, and I'm not sure if I'm really posting this in the right subforum or anything. I just needed somewhere to share my story and try to get some solid feedback. It's a very complicated situation but I'll try to sum this up as best as I can.

    So about 5 months ago, I had to leave my full time job and move to Georgia from Illinois to be with family during Covid. I met my boyfriend here on a dating app. Some months later, we ended up getting pregnant. I'm 28, he's 32. We mostly thought he was sterile, because apparently he'd been trying to have a kid for years. But there's no excuse, we did it unprotected knowing it still could have happened. I've been pregnant for about 6-7 weeks now. It's important to mention that for the last few weeks, I've been very unsure about keeping the baby or not for a variety of reasons, but the main one being that we are not financially independent.

    He lives with a female roommate; a friend of his for about 6 years and she makes most of the money. He suggested I move in with him so that we be together during this time, so I did with the hopes that we could get our own place together in a fathomable amount of time. Partly due to the fact that they don't have a three bedroom; they have one for his roommate, one for her daughter, and he and I sleep on the couch.

    To make matters worse, I discovered some days ago, that they'd had sex on and off up until just a couple months before we got together; information that he'd withheld from me originally in fear that I would leave him if I knew. Because I know this, it's been extremely difficult for me to live comfortably with them, and the fact that we don't have our own individual space in the apartment only makes me feel worse. She is constantly around.

    A few nights ago, she suggested to him that we TRY to get a 3-bedroom house after the lease is up (in 15 months.) I say try because she isn't sure it's affordable, which would mean that we'd end up in the same situation we are now...sleeping on a couch, with a crib in the living room. This really bothered me. And when my boyfriend originally mentioned to me that she had talked to him about that, the way he presented it was by suggesting it was partly because she didn't want to be alone with her baby. In my head I'm thinking, "that's not really my problem." I've only lived with them a week but I already hate it for the reasons I mentioned prior. And I can't help but feel that she's less worried about his and my baby, and more about being lonely, but that she's using the fact that we HAVE the baby and don't have the means of financial independence right now in order to keep things the same. As for my boyfriend, he's a people pleaser and seems like he's afraid of disappointing either one of us even though he won't say it openly. While we were discussing how to be financially independent within the next 3 years, she goes, "There's a good chance you won't be able to be. You need to decide if you're either comfortable staying with me and my daughter, or if you don't want the baby."

    I had a big talk with both of them last night and ultimately ended up telling him I'd settle on a 3 bedroom only. Truthfully though I don't even like that. I don't feel comfortable sharing a house with her, because of the fact that I don't trust her and I'm starting not to trust him now since I fear his decision-making is partly based on her feelings. And if forced to be in this situation for who knows how long, I'm thinking I would likely rather not have the baby and risk losing him. That feels almost selfish on my part, though, because I'm supposed to be thinking about what's best for the baby, and not what makes me feel better emotionally. I'm sure that living with them would mean that the baby would be safe. It would just mean I'd be absolutely miserable.
     
  2. Rose83

    Rose83 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2013
    Messages:
    3,126
    Likes Received:
    82
    Hi, I’m not sure but I think this forum doesn’t allow talk of terminating pregnancies so your post might get removed. However I wanted to reply because this sounds like an awful position to be in. Are you sure that the baby isn’t actually
    his as well? I don’t understand why she would want to effectively pay for you guys to live there with her. It sounds really claustrophobic and definitely not somewhere you’d want to have your first baby. If you’ve only been together 5 months then I’m not sure you’re ready for a baby together when you know so little about each other or even why he is living with this other woman. I think you should consider moving back to your parents and thinking about what you want to do. She has nothing to do with your decisions and yet it sounds like she is trying to make sure she is involved. I absolutely would not live with someone who had been sleeping with my boyfriend recently or at any point x
     
    chattychar1990 and huffleclaw like this.
  3. huffleclaw

    huffleclaw New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2020
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    sorry, thanks for letting me know. I didn't know that wasn't allowed here and I'll understand it getting removed.

    But yeah, your post pretty much emphasized exactly how I feel. It's the hard answer but it's what I think I might have to do.
     
  4. WinterWolf

    WinterWolf Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2018
    Messages:
    2,534
    Likes Received:
    445
    Sounds like he’s not giving you the full story - I would guess he’s actually that little girls dad and the mother doesn’t want him to leave. I’d not get myself involved with that crap personally. Too messy. But if you want to stay with him can you both move in with your family? I personally wouldn’t have a baby if I can’t afford to put a roof over its head.
     
    huffleclaw likes this.
  5. SockVortex

    SockVortex Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2018
    Messages:
    1,456
    Likes Received:
    451
    I’d say you both move in with your parents. That way you’d at least have a bed!

    Is your boyfriend paying any part of the rent for the flat he shares with his flatmate? Is his name on the lease? If so, then he’s very much entitled to the second bedroom and I’m really surprised that he’s allowed himself to be ousted to the sofa. Why can’t the daughter share with her mother? Surely that seems the fairest solution here, especially if the daughter is a young child who doesn’t yet need her own space.

    As to moving in with her in the future. No. Focus on getting a place for your own family and don’t worry about how she feels. You’re not obligated to live with her. Also if the lease doesn’t end for over a year and she refuses to make the second bedroom available are you going to be comfortable sofa surfing for all that time? Firstly heavily pregnant and then with a newborn?
     
    #5 SockVortex, Aug 22, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2020
    huffleclaw likes this.
  6. Kitana

    Kitana Moderator

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2016
    Messages:
    3,212
    Likes Received:
    802
    I don't understand why she has to be involved in your future plans. Even if you would terminate the pregnancy, would you still want to stay there with them? I'm not sure I fully understand the backstory. There is more going on between his roommate and him.
    I agree with @WinterWolf, if you can't afford the baby, I wouldn't keep it either.
    Financial problems enhance any other problems going on.x
     
    huffleclaw likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice