Feeling really low tonight

[Loubalouba]

No real reason for post, just needed to get this out.. Just feel really low tonight, I think it is from a friend posting on fb about her baby shower.. My baby shower was supposed to be 2 days after Harrison was born sleeping., I never got to experience that happy day, that day just increased my grief and loss instead and hurt like hell.. Those early weeks felt like a physical pain.. I have never felt anything like it.. These days it's easier but then like a switch you are taken back to this dark depressing very lonely place like tonight... No one really knows what I am going through, I don't think even my hubby gets it and sometimes it makes me feel really lonely.

We are going for embryo transfer on Thursday and I just don't know how to feel about it., I think I am going to find it hard because I don't want to be back in this god damn awful world of TTC I want to be knee deep in nappies watching Harrison smile for the first time, seeing his little personality shining through.. I have wanted to be a mum for the last 20 years, I have had so much maternal feelings and longings and never did I think I would be a mummy to an angel.. It's the cruelest thing in the world to be a mummy and not have your baby with you.. I see his little face every day but I can't hold him or kiss him or see his eyes open, it's like torture. A nursery full and ready to go is torture.. My life is just awful, my hubby is struggling and we struggle on every day, nothing to be excited about or look forward to, he hates his job and so is miserable and grumpy which I find really hard as it brings me down too.

Sorry for the depressing post, I have been holding things back and just needed to get it out I think.. Grief is so hard and so complicated.. 4 months on and sometimes it does not feel any easier.

Lou xx

 

[Sparklegirl]

So sad to read this sweetie, it brought a tear to my eye. I am certain Harrison's beautiful little face will be watching over his mummy and loving you. I know nothing I can say will make anything feel better but I just wanted you to feel someone is reading xx

 

[lisey]

I know that nothing I say will make you feel better. I wish there was something that I could say to help. I wish I could give you a hug x grief does feel like a very lonely place, it's so consuming and like you say, something you see or hear or even smell can take you back.
When I lost my brother I found it helped to write my feelings down on paper, it felt like a little release as I felt it was hard to speak out loud about it. I don't know if that would help xx

 

[SiameseCatLady]

You rant, cry, scream, do whatever you need to do. I think you're incredibly brave and it's very healthy to be talking about your feelings and the situation at the moment.
Are you getting any counselling etc.? Is is something you'd consider? Know it's not for everyone.
Is there a way of you both having a break away somewhere? Might help and get your OH away from work for a bit. Is he hating it because he's still grieving or is it generally?
I just can't even try to think about how you must be feeling still. You say four months on and you're no better... I'd say that's normal! You've had such a huge bereavement and shock. You are entitled to help.
There will be brighter days ahead I am sure.
I would say, just get the help early on so that you have some support in moving forwards.
I am just so sorry again about Harrison. He will be looking over you, I am sure, and trying to make sure you look after yourselves and get through this awful time.
Wishing you so much love and healing.
Xxxx

 

[Browneyed Girl]

It is so sad reading this, I feel for you so much. Please don't be hard on yourself, 4 months is no time at all in terms of healing and coming to terms with such a tragic loss. I can't imagine what it must be like to have your nursery set up and no baby in it.

I really think you and your husband need to get some help as its not reasonable to expect you to manage this by yourselves. Have you thought about counselling, together or separately? Can your GP refer you for grief counselling and maybe look at other treatments? Can Sands or Tommys offer any help/support? It feels wrong that you have to reach out for help, it should be there for you. So sorry you're going through this xxx

 

[snowbee]

Big hugs Lou. I second the idea about writing down your feelings, I found it useful to rant away on paper and then burn it. It is difficult to do but once you find the coping mechanism that works for you then you should start to heal. It is ok to feel how you do, you will never forget your little boy and you shouldn't feel bad for being upset.

If your husband hates his job maybe it is time to make a big change and for him to find something he is happy doing, it must be awful to be going through such grief at the same time as having a job that you hate.

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this and on top of your ttc struggles, life is so unfair. Best of luck with your embryo transfer, I hope this will be the little sibling for Harrison that you so deserve.