Feeling really low, don't know what to do

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by emmybot, Dec 28, 2016.

  1. emmybot

    emmybot New Member

    Sep 30, 2015
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    This is a majorly long story. I mostly just need to get it off my chest because I'm feeling isolated and lonely. I'll try and abbreviate it as much as possible.

    Meet a guy. Seems nice. Go on a couple of dates, sleep with him. Go on one more date...get dragged into an alleyway for 'risky public sex'. Told him I didn't want to do it, pinned my arms to the wall and told me 'I didn't say you could leave yet. You can't tell me you're not as turned on as I am'. Avoided him after this...until I found out said incident had made me pregnant.

    I didn't want a termination, but he didn't want anyone to know about the pregnancy or that he was the father. So he stayed in touch, constantly verbally abusing me and bullying me until he gets me to agree to an adoption. He even threatened to kill me a few times. Didn't attend a single scan, was out getting drunk and high during the birth.

    After the birth things changed- he seemed to become the loveliest guy ever. Adoption couldn't be made final until baby was 6 months- seemed proud of the fact he had a son, but never wanted to see him. Baby was still a secret on his side.
    I fell for him in a big way and we started a relationship despite everything that had happened.

    When adoption was made final he decided he was going to tell his mum- and all hell broke loose. She wanted a copy of the birth certificate so she could get the 'illegal' adoption overturned and take custody of the baby- I refused, he was never named on it because he didn't want to be. Spent a month or two trying to track down the adoptive parents, threatening me with solicitors, social services, god knows what else. I developed severe anxiety because this woman would just not leave me alone. He never spoke to me after he told his mum- I don't know why.

    Anyway, as she can't get any access to records etc. she has now decided I FAKED the entire pregnancy. Having the birth certificate, adoption records, and having applied for a copy of my maternity records obviously I have proof...they don't want to know. Because I obviously faked all that too.

    Adoptive parents are lovely and agreed to DNA test being done...they ignored me. But I live in a very small place, the father is going round slandering me and saying I'm a psycho. He's pushed me over and screamed at me in the street.

    I'm scared of losing the relationship I have with the adoptive parents if they keep causing so much trouble...I don't know what to do. I went to police about the assault, he simply started getting his friends to torment me.

    We're at Uni together and I've repeatedly went to student services about this, but they don't seem to be willing to do anything about it. In fact, it has been suggested more than once by them that I should transfer Unis or maybe take a year out.

    I'm at the point where I really don't know what to do. Nobody is interested in my side of the story, I just feel scared and isolated all the time. I have the truth on my side but nobody is willing to listen...
    I know I was stupid for trusting him again, but I don't know how he's getting away with this. It's like everyone wants to protect the aggressor and not the victim.

    Sorry, just needed to get that off my chest. Because it feels like in the last 18months my life became some sort of bizarre soap opera.
  2. kumber

    kumber Well-Known Member

    Nov 7, 2013
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    Make a note of any and all incidents from him, his mother and his friends. Take that to the police and student services. Keep up an open dialogue with the adoptive parents so they know what's going on. I'm sorry you've been through this
  3. tinselcat

    tinselcat Well-Known Member

    Jan 18, 2011
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    So he's raped you, threatened to kill you, abusing you in the street, getting friends to harrass you. This is an abusive and violent relationship. Which country are you in? I've found the police a bit useless in the UK, however if you file a rape complaint they will take that very seriously.

    It's very common for abusers to be very charming when they want to, and keep that up for a while (as long as they need to).

    Are you at the same university as this guy?

    I think if you make it clear what's happened (see my first sentence), people should take it seriously. Escalate it (ask to speak to their manager until you get somewhere) as much as you need. Death threats and rape are not something that should be ignored.

    Also try to find someone (doctor perhaps) who can refer you for counselling (seeing as you've undergone massive trauma which would affect anybody's mental health), and also get in touch with a local domestic violence service. If you're in the UK, call these people: http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/ (0808 2000 247), who can help you. Also look at refuge.org.uk

    The fact that you got together with your abuser after his (very) bad behaviour suggests to me you're at risk in future relationships, so I would recommend going on the Freedom Programme (which should be provided locally by some authority... maybe even a health visitor can refer you onto it) so that you can identify red flags and what is unacceptable in future.

    It may be hard to ignore her, but all the threats from his mother sound like hot air - I don't think there's anything she can do, but it may be worth getting some free legal advice (the domestic violence hotline may be able to suggest a hotline for this sort of thing, I've been in touch with one before but can't remember what they're called).

    Good luck with everything.

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