feeling lonely and judged for my patenting style

[TTT]

Hi

I don't know if this is just hormones or if its normal but I wondered if anyone else felt a bit lonely because of their parenting style?

I exclusively breast feed and follow the wonder weeks and the butterfly baby clinic on Facebook, and am of the opinion that babies should be carried and immediately tended to as soon as they cry or fuss. Its the o lay way they can communicate so if we miss their cues or they're going through a leap or feeling poorly it seems.like the natural thing to do.

However I feel like I am constantly judged and started to be alienated for my choices. I feel like friends think I am judging them for formula feeding or for having stricter routines than me.or for letting them cry for five.mins before picking them.up etc.

My husband is very supportive of my ideas and reads all the articles I email him and listens to what I say. But I feel like I don't have anyone like minded to talk to and that my mummy friends no longer wish to spend time with me because if this.

For example, a mummy friends said to me on a visit to her house 'well we'll see whoa parenting style is the best in a few years when we see who's child is the naughtiest'. I don't know why she feels.so competitive and I certainly wouldn't intend yo make her feel this way.

 

[mylullaby]

Just don't talk about it. Let your friends do their thing and you do your own. Assuming you aren't eye-rolling when they leave their babies to cry for a bit as per their style I really don't see the problem. Do you feel judged because you are judging them? Everyone has their own ways and what works for some parents and babies won't work for others, but unless you're sitting around talking about this every time you see your friends (which I imagine would get a little tedious) just live and let live I guess and focus on having a laugh / amusing the little ones / whatever else you do when you get together. Nothing wrong with joining online groups where you have a shared interest/parenting style, but no need for this to become an issue if you know you do things differently - just change the subject if it comes up xxx

 

[kumber]

Great advice from mylullaby. I get comments from family members all the time about how I "fuss" around ds and got absolutely slated for letting him sleep on me in the early days. Sometimes I would put him down, sometimes I wouldn’t and times I didn't, well you'd think I was the worst mummy in the world! If they're starting to make little comments, I would just bluntly call them out on it. Otherwise, say nothing about parenting styles at all - there really is no right or wrong way of doing it.

 

[TTT]

Thanks.

With family I explain why I do what I do and it doesn't bother me too much. I don't bring it up ever but I get told to put him down etc.

With the friend in particular, her lo was born 11 weeks before mine and she's always the one to bring it up and try and give me advice that I haven't asked for. I try to be very conservative with my replied on the subject, especially because I get more support than she does. Eg my husband has taken over from me running our family business and were very fortunate that he can work minimal hours if needed whereas her partner works full time and commutes so she has longer hours alone than me etc.

I just feel like I can't be myself at all and I have to be reserved and I try my best not to bring it up but it seems to be the elephant in the room.

 

[kumber]

I can understand how you feel hun. If you ever need to talk my inbox is always open the only practical advice I have is to find a new set of friends! Motherhood is hard enough without friends putting you down too!

 

[TTT]

Thank you kumber, that's really kind. I feel Facebook has not helped for all the articles I click like for. This us the only thing I can think that could have caused this really but I don't think I should stop its just such a shame.

 

[kumber]

It's possible but equally you should be able to like and share whatever content you like on your own Facebook. People always have the option of unfollowing you and hiding content they don't like. I can't stand people that get arsey over Facebook, it's not the be all and end all if someone likes or shares an article you don't agree with! Hard as it is, try not to let them get to you - what matters is your child and his happiness!

 

[TTT]

Thank you kumber

 

[Selina13]

I can't believe your friend would say something so cruel about who's child will be naughty?! I formula feed (did BF for first 10 days until my nipples were hanging off literally- lol) but I completely follow the whole responding to my baby ASAP, having him close in sling/forward facing pram, in bednest and trying my best to respond to all of his cues. I don't feel I fit in a box with anything, I'm just being the best parent I know how to be.
I have let my baby guide me with regards to his routine and he sleeps though the night, no controlled crying or any of that.
I follow attachment parenting on FB and regularly like things and no one says anything! Try not to be upset by other people's ignorance and try your best to be kind about their preferences with parenting, hopefully you will feel better soon.
Be confident as your doing your best!
When you meet with friends do try to enjoy it rather than letting the discussion be all baby talk (I assume they were your friends before having kids). X

 

[JJ Mum]

Your parenting style now has nothing to do with whos will be naughty.

Yours will feel loved, Supported, very secure and hopefully confident. Dealing with behaviour is different!

Dont feel judged, everyone has a right to parenr how they choose, shame your mates seem to assume that their way is best, there is no perfect path.

My path is the same as yours, works for us x

 

[Jessiecat]

I bf, baby wear, co sleep, use cloth nappies and my boy doesn't get left to cry and I'm apparently I'm an alien in society, particuarly amongst "friends".
Then I went to a breast feeding support group and was greeted by 6 like minded mummies. It just helped to discuss these things without having to hide them from a judgemental world. Could he something to think about? Then you'd find you can handle other people and their bought a because you have a supportive group of mummies else where

 

[TTT]

Jessiecat that sounds like a great idea thank you!

 

[kumber]

How are things now hun?

 

[TTT]

They're good thank you. I don't see much of the friend I wrote about anymore. And an old friend witha four year old who told me about slings and that got back in touch recently so all is good. Iv also just started going back to work one day a week so I get a bit of the old me.back and hubby now appreciates me a whole lot more lol and he was always supportive and appreciative to start with I'm very fortunate really.

 

[Jessiecat]

If it helps TTT, judging by some of you posts and replies on the forum, you sound like my kind of mummy lol! Don't shy away from your parenting styles, I think you've got it Sussed be proud!

 

[kumber]

I fully agree with Jessiecat on this, I think your parenting style is fab!

 

[TTT]

Aw thank you so much jessiecat and kumber, that's so great to hear!

 

[JD.Deedee]

I co slept for ages, he's still in our room, I let him lead and I never did controlled crying, I get hated on because I choose not to vaccinate.. (Even by people who don't even have children yet!!)

I honestly don't care, it's my child not anyone else's and what everyone else does is not my problem..

 

[TTT]

We have vaccinated and had a rough time with it

 

[Jojo84]

I don't personally follow this parenting style (I follow aspects of it , but not others) but i totally respect you and support you in it. if you were my friend I wouldn't judge you on it and I wouldn't expect you to judge me... but here's the thing... everyone brings their kids up differently and everyone seems to think they know best.

example: I formula fed (I expressed for month but it got me down so switched to half/half at 2 weeks and was fully ff by 4 weeks) and one day I met up with my friend who has a little girl 22 months older than my boy. she kept telling me the best way to make a formula bottle up when out and about... now that might have worked for her but it didn't for me... every time we went out. it was a small thing but it really got to me after a while.

different approaches work for different kids and parents too, and no parent parents exactly the same as someone else.

my advice would be just to let it go over your head to a point, but have a good conversation with them about how it makes you feel.

but make sure youre not judging without realising it, because ive seen people do it and not even know theyre doing it.