Feeling despondent

[Blueflower]

Does anyone else get despondent half way through the 2WW? I don’t really know what I’m waiting for anyway any more, it’s just AF really! This month I really couldn’t be bothered with it all, we only did it on days 11 and 12 because they fell on the weekend, (apart from the non-fertile days just for fun!) then I said to my husband that we don’t have to do it unless we feel like it! He said it was fine as long as we go to bed early, bless him! So we just did it on day 14 as well when I ovulated. It was a really tough week and I’ve been very tired and distracted and don’t think I’d be a very good host to a bean at the moment anyway!

I’m fed up with keep being told I’m too old, I don’t look or feel old and my ovarian reserve is low but not dangerously low, so I could conceive, but I’m just not! I keep seeing people with their babies who had them very quickly or by accident, and thinking they should have been ours! Our friend’s surprise baby was conceived when we’d been trying for a year, why couldn’t that have been us, then they could have had our turn further down the track once they were ready?! Now we’re going to have to pay thousands for treatment that might not even work! The % of it not working is higher than it working! I’m usually a very positive person but don’t want to keep getting my hopes up. I want to feel positive for the vibes just in case I am pg, but just can’t at the moment!

I’ve also been feeling very angry towards my OH, I told my friend I don’t want to resent him for not being ready for a family when I was, she said “can I resent him for you?!” which was v supportive! She said “he was 30, not 20, how selfish!” However I think if we’d had a ‘surprise’ pregnancy at the beginning of our relationship it might have put a strain on it and we might not still be together now.

We’re going away for a few days next week so I’ll take tampons as usual and try not to think about it! How do you stop thinking about something you’ve always imagined you’d do? Small boys usually focus on the job they will have, they don’t usually mention family, but girls usually also say they want a house, husband and children, how many small girls would say they want to grow up, have a good job, get married but not have children, and spend the rest of their lives on their hobbies and having nice holidays? Not many I think! How do you stop yourself from thinking about it? Do you lie to yourself and pretend you don’t want children? I can distract myself and focus on other things, even try to think of plans for the future that don’t include having our own children, but I can’t stop myself feeling so sad. Hopefully this is just a dip and I’ll feel better in a few days!

 

[Alwaystrying]

Blueflower sorry your feeling this way, it's fair to say you are not alone, I had months where I just did not even want to get up in the morning I felt so low, started getting angry with my friends who seemed to moan if it took them a few months to fall and made excuses not to see them even

Too old is utter balls, Hun a lot of woman are leaving it later for one reason or another, careers, money or simply not met mr right yet.

Now I know I am biased but have you thought about looking abroad for treatment? The cost is generally lower and honestly I personally felt no emotion from the private clinics in the UK but after only a few short emails to Athens I was sure Serum was the place for me, then you actually go and meet Penny, she is so assuring and so through, she totally relaxes you, don't have anything negative to say really. BFP first time there and I still have 3 frozen embies there

Xx

 

[hayes]

I know its hard hun, but when you take your eye off the ball thats when it will happen for you. I can feel it that you are guna b i tri 1 soon.

Big hugs

Michelle. x

 

[Clairabella]

Sorry that you are feeling this way it's so difficult to imagine not having children when others find it so easy. I too focus on the % success rate I think this makes it easier not to get our hopes up we have been told the our ICSI treatment has a 40% chance of success but I can't help but think about the 60% chance of it not working I am usually a very positive person but LTTC is tough and I think it's good to be realistic.

Cx

 

[Blueflower]

You're right Clairabella! Thanks Alwaystrying, we liked the look of the local private fertility clinic and have booked a consultation for next month, I posted about it last week. The staff we spoke to seemed understanding and their rates compare favourably with clinics in London so fingers crossed! What do you think was different for you this time Hayes, were you less anxious? I think if I do finally get a BFP I would be on another planet for weeks! After this long it would seem unbelieveable!

Thank you for cheering me up!

 

[Browneyed Girl]

I always feel like this in the 2ww, I just feel like there's no point hoping and it's not happened and so far I've always been right! I am trying to think more positive though as I think if it doesn't help my fertility at least it will help my state of mind!

It must be a difficult situation with your oh if you had to wait for him to be ready and now you're worrying about your age but you obviously made the decision at the time to wait for him and you must have felt he was worth waiting for.

I'm not sure how old you are but if you look young and feel young I'm sure that is all positive for your chances of conceiving.

It's hard but I've come to the conclusion that I won't take it any better if I don't get pg just because I've tried not to get my hopes up. The fact is that deep down my hopes are up and I'll be devastated if it doesn't happen so I might as well be honest with myself and admit its what I want rather than fight it and live in fear. Instead I will try to live in hope.

Keep positive xxx

 

[hayes]

I think it really was because we relaxed and i just didnt care for once(i didnt do any ov tests altho i know when i ovd as i had terrible pains)and when i was in 2ww i did what i wanted and eat/drank what i wanted. I really didnt think i was guna be pg and focused on my next fertility appointment instead.

I really hope its your month now hun.

Michelle. x

 

[Blueflower]

Well I didn't bother too much when we dtd this time but still tried not to drink too much! (Although maybe a whole bottle of wine over the weekend and 2 drinks in the pub is still plenty!) We're going to a wedding this weekend so I don't plan to hold back on the champagne/wine/cider!

I'm looking forward to our consultation at the private clinic and don't really expect to be pg before then!

 

[Moley]

Since my failed IVF I get really bad PMT!! I'm soooo weepy before I come on and sometimes I don't even realise its PMT. I think we all get despondent in LTTTC but we also know we have to snap out of it and we generally do. When I feel low I have a lovely soak in the tub a glass of vino and watch a crap Rom com to cheer myself up!! We'll get there in the end!! We have to!!

 

[Blueflower]

It must be a difficult situation with your oh if you had to wait for him to be ready and now you're worrying about your age but you obviously made the decision at the time to wait for him and you must have felt he was worth waiting for.

Yes I thought he was worth waiting for, but I also naively thought that once he was ready it would take less than 3 months!

About what Moley says, I tend to get PMT from about day 19 to about 23 then nothing until AF starts, before we started TTC I used to get it the week before AF! Yesterday it felt as if my uterus was squeezing, it was really strange. I kept thinking a bean was in there but it was being squeezed out! I'm trying to ignore it though and not to symptom spot at all, it just takes up too much energy, and I'm just putting it down to tiredness.

 

[Browneyed Girl]

Sorry hun I wasn't saying its your choice so lump it, I was saying you made the choice because he's special and the one you want to have babies with so I'm sure he is worth waiting for!

You totally hope that it'll happen quick once you start ttc so I completely sympathise.

xxx

 

[Blueflower]

No its fine, I didn't think you were!
I always thought people conceived quickly unless they had a medical problem, my friend had endometriosis and a relative had ovarian cysts years ago, but everything was fine with me so I thought it would be ok!

 

[Jacq23]

Hi Blueflower,

I hope you are feeling a bit more positive now, but I know it is hard. When is AF due?

I had a bit of a minor meltdown yesterday and told my hubby I just bloody give up. We have been trying over 2 years, I'm currently on my 9th cycle of Clomid (over the space of about 18 months) and had a failed self-funded ICSI cycle in December. I am on Metformin too now and had my first 28 day cycle in years last month, and we have given it our all this month and DTD on days 7,8,9,10,12,14,16 and even used fertility gel. if this doesn't work I just don't know if I can keep going.

Sorry ladies, don't mean to bring you all down but I am just totally fed up. My sister is 22 weeks and my best friend is about 24 weeks gone which doesn't make things any easier.

Jacq xx

 

[Blueflower]

That's ok, we can all use this thread to take turns to have a moan or rant!

My low mood only lasted a couple of days thankfully, I might have a look at the hormone chart, maybe I was in a hormone dip then or something?

AF is due next Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, so the PMS is coming a bit early, then going away again!

 

[Jacq23]

I have been a bit snappy the last couple of days and I am CD23 today so I guess I could be getting PMS a bit early too! Or maybe I am just turning into a moody old bag I am assuming I will be due Tues/Weds next week if this cycle is also 28 days, but who knows? It can vary from 28 days to almost two years for me!

 

[Blueflower]

Feeling ok and much more relaxed now, come to terms with the fact that we probably can't have children without help, I probably am on the older side of ideal! Looking forward to using my ovulation saliva microscope, practising my somersaults and drank FAR too much at the weekend!

 

[Londongirl]

Glad to hear you are feeling better, a few glasses of wine and a bit of relaxing is always good!

I know I have lots of ups and downs at the moment - it is hard to stay positive all the time. Fc your bfp is right around the corner.

Anna x