Feeling a bit of a failure....

I didn't know when I could/should admit this, but I have been struggling to come to terms with Damien's entrance into the world. I had a great birth experience don't get me wrong, but weeks of bleeding, weeks of contractions and on/off labour, then weeks of hospital for Damien took it's toll on me, aswell as losing yet another baby. I saw the doctor yesterday (Friday) and have been diagnosed with PND and I am back on two types of anti-depressants that I used to be on before I got pregnant with Damien I feel like I have failed myself by not being able to cope without them. I have so many thoughts and feeling in my head I don't even know where to start. I guess it is the best thing for me if I'm feeling bad, and with a history of depression I should have gone to see the doctor sooner. My trouble is because I've had depression since I was 13, I can hide it well. I don't often talk about how I feel. HV's have been informed. I was terrified they would take Damien away from me (sounds stupid doesn't it), but when I had full blown depression through my teens I could barely look after myself, let alone a baby. I did some bad things to myself in the past which I am not proud of but I am scared they will come back to haunt me and people will think I cannot cope with Damien. Strangely, he is what keeps me going, even though his birth is what's messed me up.

Don't know what the point of this post is, just needed to get it out. Not often I am awake and up at 5am anymore. Thanks for listening.

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

awww hun i hope ur pills work, i had severe depression wen i started high school to. anyone who talks to you knows your a great mum, and all you have to do is look at pics of damien and you together to know that he is a wonderful gorgous loving boy!!!
dont feel down bout the PnD it is a bugger but from wot i know of you, you have a good family/friend net work round you.
if u ever need to tlk hun PM me

 

[Dee1985]

iv never suffered with depression so i dont no how your feeling, but i do no its my worst nightmare to get it..

sami, i dont no what to say except, we are all here for u this should be the one place u feel u can come and tell us any thing, were all mums and can understand each others feelings.

but u now have damien and a supportive partner to get u through things not on your own how u may of been in high school.

 

[Layla]

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

hun i got PND after ethan, i also fell in to a deep depression when my first marriage broke down so i understand how you feel.

the main thing i have to say to you is you have not failed

depression is very comman now and 50% of people suffer from it.

im not going to go in to to much detail on here, but if you ever need to talk, you have me on msn (im set of offline most of the time but i will see if you need to talk) and you can always PM me here
your doing a great job with Damien, you should be very proud of yourself babes!

xxxxx

 

[beanie]

As you know hun you are not the only one. Mine is also linked to the birth and hospital even though technicaly all went to plan and i got a healthy baby. One person i know said that they were given a chance to discuss their birth experience with the midwive a couple of days after which i wish i had been able to.

You have done the big step of getting help, be proud of yourself. You know where i am, bigs hugs xxx

 

[LucyBee]

Awww Sami.
Have you thought about counselling?
I've suffered from depression on and off since I was 18 (I'm now 35 - 36 on the 9th - eek!) and found counselling really helpful. I managed to get mine on the NHS and would've been lost without it.
Always here for you if you want a chat.
L x

 

[melhoney]

oh Sami, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!!

I suffered from depression when I was a teenager as well, and did nasty things to myself as well, but got better, and understood life is the most beautiful thing we have...esp.after giving birth!

You have dealt with the whole thing really well, hun, look ack and see all the steps you have had to go through!
I don't know you apart from through your posts, but have always admired you for all the so wise words you write.
You have been able to help so many people on this forum, and look, you have become a moderator, which proves that not only you can take care of yourself, your little Damo, but also of the people who need support on here and the forum! Laura chose YOU, and 4 others, among a lot more!

Sami, I don't know many women who would have handled what you have handled so well, really, honest!!!
Keep on talking to us, we hope to be there for you the way you have been for so many of us!
LOTS OF HUGS,

Mel xx

 

[ToriElla]

aw sami,

I didn't know you were feeling so low. You are a great mam, why do you think i'm always asking you for your advise?!

I was just talking to a couple of people about PND this morning and one of them said she felt like throwing her baby across the room when she had it. It sounds like an awful thing to have to go through but you can't blame yourself. Hope the pills make you feel better soon! x

 

[Tiny Sue]

Poor you Sami...

I know how it is. I felt the same way in my teens and early twenties and went through a lot, was passively suicidal for a while etc etc. I was so hard to live with back then, I actually wrote a letter of apology to my parents for my adolescence...I WAS that bad. I mean it.

That is not saying that this is an adolescent thing with you, just explaining how I was when I was younger because of depression. it can make you a different person.

Your partner has to be supportive at this time. It's great to see someone who knows who and what and how you are when you aren't sure of anything. But one thing you need to be sure of Sami...

the main thing i have to say to you is you have not failed

You HAVE to see that, you're a brilliant mother. I wish you were in Ireland, so that you could come round ours and have a cuppa and a chat, just to make you see that this too will pass, and life is beautiful, even in the midst of the pain.

PM me hun, I'm online for a while most days.

Love
Sue

 

[lisa31]

Sami you are definatley not a failure - you have brought a georgous boy into the world! I have just finished doing a post on PND which Sarah W Baby Belly started - and I know you will already know this, but you are not alone in this.

I too had depression and I have read that if you have suffered from it before then it is very likely you will get it again after the birth of a baby.
However I got counselling and was prescribed anti-depressants. I would really recommend counselling - and I wish you lived near me as I could recommend the lady I used to see, but she lives in Nuneaton so I know that wouldnt be any good to you - but I am sure there must be others in your area - perhaps I could ask her if she knows of any good ones in your area?

L x

 

[hels]

Hey Sami!
Im really sorry to hear that you have PND. I just wanted to say that through out your pregancy you had a really tough time, if it could happen, it did happen. A lot of people on this forum couldnt believe your bad luck, but you got thru all that, and then after even more complications Damien came early. Now i know that every single one of us on here totally admire you because you have done so well, and the last thing you are is a failure. You have advised and inspired many of us so keep your chin up and use the offers of support off us lot....its your turn now. It sounds like you have also plenty of friends and family who'll be there too.
Do you have a CPN hun? Take care, PM any time.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Kim]

Sami, please don't feel like a failure, you have had an awful time. You deserve a medal for getting this far. I can only second what has already been said, you're a fantastic mother. I'm here if you need me

 

Thank you for all your kind words. I think I feel very shell shocked at everything which has happened to me in the last year, it's been one hell of a rough ride.
I really tthought I had beaten depression and had escaped PND. Silly really, my mum had it and I have a history of depression so I should have expected it.
I didn't want to go back on my tablets really, I coped without them when I was pregnant (maybe coz I blamed my moods on pregnancy).
Some days I feel good and really positive about the things in my life and the future, but then other days I want to curl up and dissapear, I sit and just cry and I've started having panic attacks again.
I hate how my body and mind can control me instead of me controlling them. Hopefully will feel better soon.
Thanks for listening

 

[BubbleOne]

Sami I haven't been on here for a wee while so I completely missed this.

I had no idea honey (except the odd occasion we have talked about this subject) and I don't really know what to say as it's all already been said.

You are wonderful with Damien. He is not an easy baby to look after (reflux, breathing etc) and I certainly couldn't cope the way you do with it.
You are absolutely not failing as a mum.

I knew something was wrong because you have been 'different' the last week or so but I never thought about it logically

I really want to help you with this Honey xxx

See you soon?

 

[Sarah W Baby Belly]

I think it is such a positive thing that you have spoken up about this.

I was dreading being a mum, as you know, and the reality was even worse (for me personally) than I thought.

Luckily though I spoke out straight away. Literally every time I spoke to people I told them that I was struggling and it was reassuring to hear that other mums had also struggled in the early months of motherhood.

If I hadn't spoken out then I think I would probably be on all sorts of pills by now, as I really did feel as though I had the stuffing kicked out of me in the first month. And so had the DH as well. He was just as shocked as me.

Are you managing to get out every day. ????

Like the other have said, I wish you lived near me then you could come round my house for a good old chat and a coffee.

Hope that you are starting to feel better.

Take care mate, you helped me so much when I was pregnant, I hope that i can help you in return in some way

Sarah

 

I don't really get out much because I can't go to any of the mother and baby groups here. Well, I guess I could, but none of the mums talk to me. You see, I live in a little villagey type town and everyone knows everyone else and I'm not part of that 'clique'. All the mums are older (no offence to older mums here!) and the 'clique' here all drive nice cars, have £300K mortgage and are stuck up. I have nothing in common with them (or so they would have me believe) and won't talk to me. They all look at me like I've done something terribly wrong by bringing a child into this world at 20.

I guess I just feel isolated too, if Mark takes the car to work I have absolutely nothing to do all day. I get out maybe once a week to see BubbleOne, or to go to the shops, but that's it really.

Being pregnant didn't live up to everything I imagined it to be and I feel cheated of what should have been a positive experience. I know you have to take life as it is and play the cards you're dealt, but I feel I had a pretty bad hand. Maybe I just need to get over the pregnancy and birth of Damien?

 

[ToriElla]

If you are feeling low and can't think of anywhere to go you should try and take damien out for a walk. The weather is starting to get better now and it really does lift your spirits just to get some fresh air and have a change of scenery. That's what I find anyway.

Are there any other groups you could go to when you have the car? If bubble one lives close then maybe you could go to one together and then you will settle in and it will be easier to go yourself maybe?

Hope you are feeling better soon x

 

[*saulino*]

HI Sami

ive never had this but i hope your okay and your an excellent mom to Damien .
I hope the pills help you out and try not to strees about it.
Keep your chin up .
xxxx Katrina

 

[Manda]

Sami dont think for one minute you're a failure you've brought a gorgeous baby into this world and are doing a good job of bringing him up.

I can understand how the preganancy and birth has affected you i had a really rough time too, and i know how you feel not leaving the house as i'm in the same boat not sure how much you remember from my other posts but basiically we moved to OZ just over a year ago i feel so alone and miss my family tremendously, my partner is a police officer and works shifts so i'm on my own a hell of a lot, i went back to uk for 3 months over christmas and have been back for 5 weeks now within 2 days me and Dan were arguing and i was crying all the time we have now decided to return to the uk but it's not gonna be easy, we wont have a penny and neither of us have jobs to go to and we'll have to live apart as in over 200 miles.

Even now i feel really cheated by my pregnancy and birth as i couldn't enjoy either, my problems were caused by an ex boyfriend cheating on me over 8 years ago and giving me an std which led to pre cancerous cells which led to having treatment on cervix which led to weak cervix i hated him for this anyway but he's lucky i dont live by him now after what he's put me through.

If you want to chat feel free to pm me, it does you good to talk and just remember everyone on this site is here for you.

manda x

 

[Duds]

just want you to know that we im really sorry to hear how your feeling & this forum is a better place for having you on it.
You are brillant at advice & seem to know so much, cant believe your only 20 ! You have a very mature head on your shoulders. im 29 and know half what you do.

A couple of my close family suffer with depression and they were told to focus on the future and look forward not back.... dont know if that helps or not...

xxx