Families

[Chezza]

Apologies, I know this should probably be posted elsewhere, but the traffic is alot higher in this section and I need some good advice. It's a long story...will try to keep it short!

DH and I fell out with his parents last October...we put our house on the market and moved in with them (hoping to sell quickly and save up lots of ££)...it lasted 6 wks (as MIL tried to control EVERYTHING that we did - she also bitched about us over email / facebook to anyone that would listen - and made the first 4 months of my pregnancy quite miserable - I ended up in hospital with a stress related illness because the situation was so horrible and I wasnt sleeping either through worry). We moved home in December...they were upset - cue heated discussions for a couple of months...

In March, we took steps to try and make peace with them both (life's too short afterall!) - this was met with hostility on more than one occasion. We persevered though...and arranged a meet up. We discussed the situation and DH, FIL and I made our apologies for our part in the situation. However, MIL refused to apologise and stated that she hadnt done anything wrong.
Whilst this was quite upsetting (after being accused of doing all manner of things, being called names and having to put up with being slagged off publicly on facebook)...we decided we couldnt do much about it and tried to move on. Whilst we make the effort with her, she refuses to reciprocate - and instead takes to facebook to try and publicly humiliate us (we arent friends with her on FB, but other family members are - plus friends of ours that she randomly sent friend requests to because she is a little on the nosy side!) - it wouldnt be so bad, but when she makes up lies to make us look bad and posts them - our friends can see this and it upsets me.

We have asked her to stop, but she wont...she has always been the type of person to do the opposite of what is asked, to make a point, sadly.

She has no interest in her grandson whatsoever, she never calls or even texts to ask about him or see him...and he is such an amazing little boy. When we take him up, she doesnt even look at him - let alone try and pick him up for a cuddle. (She has had plenty of opportunities and offers to do so.) In fact, she seems to like referring to him as "it" in her FB statuses and this makes me really mad!!

We dont know what to do...do we keep going with trying to re-establish a relationship - even though she keeps bitching about us (she doesnt know that we know!) - or do we cut our losses and let her come to us when she eventually realises how mean she is being...???

Families huh...!!

Thanks for reading xxx

 

[NavyLouise]

You poor thing having to put up with this! I thought my inlaws were bad!

Personally I would cut ties, It's clear that you've made lots of effort and all she can do is be nasty! The fact that she calls your son "it" what the hell?!?! Honestly, that alone would be enough for me to stop making any contact with them, because really what's the point if you don't enjoy their company and they don't even have interest in their own grand child?

Good luck whatever you decide, you definitely don't deserve to be treated like this!

 

[tinkerbates]

Oh dear, not a good situation. Flippin' in laws! Lol.

Personally I wouldn't continue to try to make peace with her, you can only offer the hand of friendship so many times. However, it is your OH's mum so maybe leave the door open for her to come to you?

I think its disgraceful she refers to jj as 'it' I could not keep my cool if someone said that about joey!

Hope things sory themselves one way or another soon xxx

 

[Emma.b]

Wow Chezza!

You MIL sounds like a horrible horrible lady!

As the other girls have said if it were me i'd have walked away a long time ago. You can only try to make peace and have it thrown in your face so many times! Honestly what kind of a woman disregards a baby, her own grandson to boot!! Shocking!!

I just wouldn't bother. You don't have to end it nastily, just drift of and stop going round etc she'll get the message. Maybe one day she'll realise what she has done and how much she has missed out on, maybe when her attitude changes you can make amends, but until then sod her!! lol

x x x

 

[AmyQ]

Her loss is all I can say. She can look back in a few years and feel like a complete tit for all this. Your lovely little boy does not need this negativity around him. Although I can imagine how frustrating and upsetting this is for you. As for her FB rantings, I assume everyone who knows you will be able to see these statuses for what they are - I mean what grandparent in their right mind refers to their grandchild as it.

If she does want to weasel her way back in further down the line, don't make it easy for her. She needs to see what a cow she has been and how it has affected you and JJ.

The only person in the wrong is your MIL and until she can act like an adult there is no point.

Big hugs xxx

 

[Emamay]

Honestly?

Give up.
Maintain contact with FIL, he at least seems to have put the past in the past and moved on.
I wouldn't bother with MIL. I'd take DS to see FIL at a local coffee shop/wherever, or ask him over yours, and ignore MILs existence. Don't ask about her, mention her, or anything. If she decides to grow up and realise what she's missing out on, then you can talk about moving the relationship forward, if you wish.
Ultimately, she'll be the one missing out.
I'm assuming OH is on the same page as you? If not, he can go see her on his own.

It honestly doesn't sound like she's worth the effort. Xx

 

[CARNAT22]

I would cut your losses to be honest.

She sounds like a vile woman. Your poor hubby though - he must feel terrible that his Mum is being so awful.

I'd send her a curt email or letter explaining that until she can behave decently you do not want her anywhere near you child. If FIL decides to take her side then so be it but if things are OK with him, then make sure he can maintain a relationships.

How are things with the rest of his family?? Doe she have siblings?

Also ask any of your friends to de-friend MIL on FB.

I just do not get people like this, I couldn't imagine being so nasty to my own son - as effectively by being horrid to you that is what she is doing???

I am interested though, have things always been like this with her or is this a recent development??

One final thing, do not stoop to her level by making it all public, - it sounds like she wants you to rise to the bait.

xxxxx

 

[sophie_jane]

What would it mean for your FIL if you were to cut ties? How is his relationship with JJ & you? That would be my worry about cutting her out of my life.

You said that she always denies being in the wrong etc. I would wait for one of the mean posts on fb & tell her 'you realise that we can see all the mean things you write too?' and come with that specific example & see what she has to say about it.

Good luck xx

 

[Chezza]

I would cut your losses to be honest.

She sounds like a vile woman. Your poor hubby though - he must feel terrible that his Mum is being so awful.

I'd send her a curt email or letter explaining that until she can behave decently you do not want her anywhere near you child. If FIL decides to take her side then so be it but if things are OK with him, then make sure he can maintain a relationships.

How are things with the rest of his family?? Doe she have siblings?

Also ask any of your friends to de-friend MIL on FB.

I just do not get people like this, I couldn't imagine being so nasty to my own son - as effectively by being horrid to you that is what she is doing???

I am interested though, have things always been like this with her or is this a recent development??

One final thing, do not stoop to her level by making it all public, - it sounds like she wants you to rise to the bait.

xxxxx

Thanks ladies...it's nice to hear a few of you say what I was thinking...

Carnat - I've always got on with FIL (really nice chap) and am happy to maintain a relationship with him...but I've never been able to please MIL - she likes to have full control over everyone and if you dare go against advice / suggestions (regardless if they were wanted or not), you do feel the wrath of her. She doesnt like to be told "no" - so basically, if you want a quiet life, you just do as she says...which is why she doesnt like me...because I refuse to be bullied.

She has been totally unsupportive of every major event that DH and I have taken together...getting engaged / married / buying a house / having a baby. When we told her we were pregnant, she didnt even say congratulations...whilst the other 3 parents were laughing / crying...she sat stony faced, saying nothing. If anything, she looked disappointed.

Yes, DH does have a sibling - a brother - but brother and mother are VERY alike...and as a consequence of this situation, his brother wants nothing to do with us either and in December, he "disowned" us. We have seen him once since, as we wanted to do the right thing and introduce him to JJ - but it was awkward and very uncomfortable.

I've only known my boy for 10.5 weeks - and I know I would never treat him the way that DH has been treated by MIL. I'm totally disgusted by her behaviour! xx

 

[Leah04x]

What on earth is wrong with people?!? Horrible woman!

I'd definitely cut your losses. I would've a long time ago haha. I'd keep in contact with your FIL and she may realise what she's lost, but then again, she probably wouldn't by the sounds of things. If she was to try & worm her way back in, I'd make her life really difficult for all the crap she's put you through!

Xxx

 

[littlemonkey]

I wouldn't waste my time to be honest. I know it's family and all, but even then there's only so many times you can have if thrown back in your face.

I hate my inlaws. They complain all the time they hardly see my son. They have a car, they know where I live, they know my phone number and that I'm generally free in the week.

 

[mrswoody]

What an awful situation! Just to echo what others have said I would cut your ties with MiL and try to have a relationship with Fil.

I for one cannot hold my tongue and if I knew she was sounding off over a public forum about me I would confront her, that is just me though.

It must be tough for your oh too, I hate seeing oh have an argument with his mum.

I really hope this vile woman eventually sees what she is doing and apologises to you both.
X

 

[Babybushie28]

She sounds awful Chezza, you've defo done enough a d like carnat says I feel bad for your OH.

I would write her a letter being honest about her behaviour but not asking for a reply and cut all ties. As a mother she should know better and you've clearly done all you can, leave her be, I'm sure she'll come round eventually and will regret not spending time with JJ and being part of his life.

Xxxxxx