Falling apart

[coz78]

I feel broken. I'm stuck in this house 24/7. All I have is the 4 walls and 2 dogs for company during the day. I've made no friends since moving here. If I so much as sigh when dh says he's going away I get a lecture on how I'm not a supportive wife. I have to justify myself every time I buy anything, even if it's with my own money and I've been ok with this as I thought it was just my hubby being careful and keeping our heads above water. This is the man who limits what I spend on things related to ttc and has ruled out going to a private fertility clinic because we can't afford it. Today the bank statement for his personal account arrived (we do have a joint but we each have our own separate accounts). In the last 3 months he's spent over £900 while being away from home with nothing to show for it. He's against me getting more fertility tests done because he says we can't afford it and yet he's spent all that money with nothing to show for it. I know it sounds ridiculous but I'm feeling this is really unfair. I'm can't stop crying, feel like I've lost the plot. Feel like I'm in this alone. The statement came while he was home for lunch and he wouldn't say anything after I saw it and I know we wont talk about later because he's going to have thought up a billion excuses as to why I'm out of order for being upset. I don't know how to deal with this, how do I explain why I'm upset without it turning into an argument. Sorry for the long post and rant and I'm sorry if none of it makes sense x

 

[OfficiallyMrsM]

makes perfect sense i would be annoyed if my hubby spent that much on what appears to be nothing.

i think you need to sit down and talk about it and also i think you need to get a hobby so you get away from the house. its the only way your going to be able to meet new people. maybe think about a walking club or something along those lines to help you.

i also think that you need to speak to your gp about your health and well being as feelings like this aren't really a good thing (sorry if this sounds really off and honestly ignore my post if i'm out of line here)

 

[minniemaker]

Thats really hard, especially if you feel alone, which you arn't even if its just in the virtual world I'm sure there are loads of people here for you to support you
Maybe try and look for a few little classes or hobbies to keep you occupied and get you out of the house to meet new people, even the WI, which isn't anywhere near as old fashioned now as it used to be?
Maybe ask the OH just for 5 mins of time just to offload how you feel maybe he doesnt need to justify why hes spent the money but more why he doesnt think the money should be spent on treatment?
Its really hard to give advice as dont know your personal circumstances but also I think maybe the GP could give you advice too?

 

[Boaz]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down, and of course you have a right to feel that way. Personally the way I deal with things like that is to write a letter to my oh and begin by saying I need to write it down so he will know everything and stop it becoming an argument! This has worked for us over a number of things and has meant he has had to take it on board how I was feeling and we have then been able to talk about things.

It also means I avoid the I wish I had said scenarios after an argument! Really hope you are able to get through to him it must all feel so unfair.

Good luck.

 

[Vickilou25]

I would also maybe write a letter to vent how you feel and then give it to him, he then doesn't get the chance to butt in when you are trying to explain for me it also stops me getting upset when trying to explain stuff. Hope you get sorted and feel better in yourself soon all us girlies are here for you even if it is only via black text on a screen xx *big hugs* xx

 

[coz78]

Thanks ladies, you've given good advice. I have looked into clubs and classes but as my hubby uses the car to get to work I can't get anywhere and the timings of things and buses would mean I wouldn't here when dd gets home from school. I also so need the car to get to my gps so that has to be worked around my husband to. The only things that are within walking distance are mother and baby groups which adds to my frustration. I guess I've been trying so hard to be a supportive wife to him while he does his job and his hobbies that when something like this comes up I feel a bit sorry myself and unsupported by him.

 

[jodie34]

If so.ethings bothering be with dh i try and talk to him but if it starts getring into an argument i send him a massive txt , i know it sounds daft but he reads it then wont mention it till a little time later after he has thought about it , i used to get moaned at about money until one day i snapped handed my bank cars over gave him a list of all the direct debit payment cards and bills and said there u go u goninto town and pay all the bills and whilst your there theres the food ahop list and enjoy !! He tried it one time got confused and flusstered and said sorry i got a bunch of flowers hes never questioned money again , as for mo froends i know the feeling we have been in edinburgh 2 years andbi still havent made any friends and my family ate 250 miles away so its not as if i can go for a coffee with them or do a bit of a shopping it is hard but so i carnt give u any advice on that xx

 

[coz78]

I live an hour away from my family and see them every other week when I drop my daughter off with her dad, they never come and see me. I've been trying to organise some time away but something always comes up and I can't go. When dh has been away in the last few months it's been for competitions (his work has teams in lots of sports) so even though it's not really his proper work because it's a work organised thing he has to go. He's missed our last ov day last cycle because he was off securing a place on a team to represent the country. I'm feeling I go without a lot to make sure he's happy and can do what he wants to do and get little or no help getting where I want to be. I am going to do the letter thing though just hope I don't ramble on that like do here, sorry again x

 

[minniemaker]

We never really talk about things face to face, ours is always essay length text messages (or BBM's) its the only time I feel I can be honest and have time to process replies without getting emotional x

 

[coz78]

Who'd of thought communicating with your husband would become so hard. Thanks for all the advise ladies, you're great x

 

[jojo3972]

Wow I would be furious I would want to know wtf he had spent that amount of money on!but I'm very direct I would have said right away so are u gonna explain where uhave spent this cash but yet u won't let me buy things to help us get a baby together ! I think he's been very selfish , my mind would be contouring up a million things as to what he had spent that sort of cash on I have a very suspicious mind , ya need to have it out with him and ask wtf his problem is u spending a few quid on ttc stuff yet he can spend hundreds on nothing :-/ , gd luck xx

 

[coz78]

It probably will end up with me having it out with him but it always ends up in a place I don't want to go. I've written the letter now and will give it to him when he comes home but I am fairly sure it will end with a row, he always goes on the offensive when he knows he's done something wrong even though he never admits to it.

 

[Lou1103]

I see why your annoyed!!

I am the same! Stuck in the house with my 2 doggies! Lol that part gets easier if its any consolation. It is a bit hypocritical and bad prioritising on his part xxx

 

[naomip]

Ahhhh chick I just want to give you a massive hug. I'm so sorry you're feeling so down, it's totally understandable tho. It must be so tough being away from you're friends and family and not having a way to get out. And it sounds like your hubby is being unfair and not seeing things from your point of view. I think the letter is a great idea and hopefully he'll take it on board. Is there anywhere nearby where you could volunteer, it could be a good way to meet people. Or maybe get involved with your kids school? We're always here when you need us for a rant x x x

 

[Zoe S]

Ahh Hun had few problems like with with hubby last year but with fishing gear and he would tell me off for sending to much on food shop! Never been told off for buy ttc stuff though! I just gave it him straight do you want to control all the bills and outgoings and juggle food shop and as for spending money on fishing gear out the bills account when was I suppose to be told r asked if there was enough? He soon shut up and now we both comunicate about money over every little thing as its only way we can budget properly their wise end up with a bill not paid! But writing a letter sounds like a good idea just get it all out on the table Hun it's only way things will change good luck Hun xx

 

[Dee28]

Oh coz, big hugs xx money can be the breaking of a relationship so you need to find a way to talk about it, hopefully a letter will lead the way. Me and my DH nearly separated after 3 months of marriage due to money arguments and now we have one big bank account so there's nowhere to hide, it works for us as I earn so little and makes us both think about what we spend. We still argue about money and I know the reason my DH didn't initially want another baby and he won't pursue private IVF is purely financial, it can be a bitter pill to swallow if you can actually afford it so I feel your frustration.

As for making friends I would second the suggestion to look into something school related, how old are your kids? Have they made friends? Are any of the friends parents your cup of tea? Do you have neighbours? Perhaps bite the bullet and arrange a jewellery party and invite some? Making friends as an adult is really hard but you can do it xxx

 

[coz78]

When my daughter did karate I used to sit with the other mums and try to talk to them but it was too much of a clique and I didn't fit in, one woman even used to sit on the arm of a chair just to put her back to me so the others couldn't talk to me either but when my husband went she'd talk to him because he works with her husband and she likes to be the cool mrs among the lads. My husbands the only adult I see most days so when we fall out the fact I don't fit in around here feels like such a big deal. There's so many things available for mums with babies and toddlers to stop them sitting in on their own but nothing if you have older kids. I was going to do a distance learning course, something to keep myself occupied but apparently we've not been in a position to afford that either.

The money came from our rainy day/buying a house savings. I would of loved to of used it on going private but I did understand that a house made sense. Seems wasting it was more appealing than using for our future. It's just heart breaking.

 

[Lou1103]

Could you check out your local college for a course? Its like that here, lots of activities for mums and tots but not much for everyone else. You can go to the mums and tots but obviously not the same especially if you're ttc/had a miscarriage xxx

 

[T84]

In with the others on a letter sweetie. What a horrible situation to be in. Sometimes it just gets all on top of you too, which it looks to have for you sending massive hugs your way and hope you feel better x x

 

[naomip]

Hey hun, how are you feeling today? Did you give hubby the letter? Hope it went ok x