Ex dilema's =/

[Kitten1991]

Hi,

I am 12weeks pregnant, me and baby's dad broke up around a month and half ago... he started to see someone new and denied it a couple of weeks ago... then out of the blue they are in a relationship on Facebook... i hate liars and people lying to me so i blocked him off social media and on my phone (don't know if it was the right thing to do)

We broke up because he persistently was asking me to move away from my town 45 mins away to where he lives... i spoke to my midwife about it and she said i did the right thing by putting my foot down and putting mine and baby's health first.

He then said he understood and would look for jobs local to myself as his family also live in town.

A week later he rang me up and said that he had decided to stay where he was, and from there the relationship deteriorated until he suggested we break up.

Today he called my mum and asked to speak to me and i'd already said i didn't want to speak with him. He then said he is going to take me to court over everything?

I know for certain in the last 3/4 years he has been with so many women he can't even count how many... he does drugs and drinks excessively... i don't particularly want him to have anything to do with the child now we aren't together out of fear of the childs safety around him especially if he is intoxicated? (Just want to note i do not do drugs... and only had the odd glass of wine)

I appreciate any advice as i am rather upset and stressed...

 

[kumber]

I think the most important things at this point are

• Contact a solicitor
• Log every conversation with him, so screenshot texts, Facebook/Whatsapp/Snapchat messages, keep a log book of all calls made including day, time, subject, etc.
• Look after yourself and stick to your guns!

It's still early days in terms of your pregnancy but I think it's important you seek legal help so if he does take you to court (which men like him seem to think will solve everything), you have covered yourself well and truly and the judge will look on you favourably for doing so.

I'm sorry you're going through this but stay strong!

 

[mylullaby]

Try not to panic hunni. Going to court will be costly and time-consuming (for him!) and there's not a chance in hell he will be offered anything more than contact time. He isn't going to take your baby away. More likely he's using it as a threat anyway and will decide it's too much effort when it actually comes down to it. Of course if drugs are involved the very most he'd end up with is supervised / contact centre access or something like that and even then I think he'd have to agree to drug/alcohol testing. I'm thinking back to a friend of mine in a similar situation but hers was years ago so my memory might not be 100% accurate - plus things might have changed?! In my friend's case her ex hadn't bothered with dd for years now (since she was a baby and he thought he could cause her grief by threatening "court"). Tell him he's welcome to go through the courts as you don't trust him to take his responsibilities seriously without a formal agreement in place. Oh and please contact the csa to get the ball rolling with maintenance payments.

I don't think keeping a record of his affairs or whatever will help in any way as his promiscuity won't be taken into account when the courts decide if he's capable of caring for your baby. But any evidence you can collect of his drug use will certainly help your case. Set up a special email address and tell him all communication has to go through there. Check it at a set time and ignore anything that doesn't specifically relate to your child. That's the only thing you need to discuss. If you're breastfeeding (or even if you're not, come to think of it) a contact centre will probably be the answer in the early days as your baby will be too young to leave you. I wouldn't worry yourself in thinking further than that yet because chances are he will miss appointments and fuck you around if he has to make the effort to drag his lying, cheating, drugged up arse away from his latest piece to spend time with you and your baby. Might be a bit of a sweeping statement there, but it wouldn't surprise me.

The most important thing now is to look after yourself and your baby. Make sure you're eating properly, lean on the support you have around you - your friends and family will be worth their weight in gold - and keep him at arms length. Tell him only what he needs to know and nothing more. Get everything documented and formalised and treat him like the untrustworthy lowlife scum that he is. Hold your head up high and focus on being the best possible mum you can be. xxx

 

[kumber]

To clarify, I meant keep a record of all his correspondence with you on the issue of your relationship and your child, not a record of his affairs.

 

[Kitten1991]

Thank you ladies, it means a lot, i will get in touch with a solicitor and see where i stand and what i should do.

I am so so grateful

 

[mylullaby]

To clarify, I meant keep a record of all his correspondence with you on the issue of your relationship and your child, not a record of his affairs.

Sorry if that came across as a dig at you Kumber - didn't mean it to! xx

 

[kumber]

Not at all hun, I re-read it and realised it didn't make much sense! Should have been in bed at the time, that'll teach me to type after bedtime

 

[Kitten1991]

Just a bit of an update, he has not had any contact what so ever and i am now 22 weeks, he is planning to move even further away with his new partner and claims to all our friends that baby isn't his... the running joke at my mums is that i've had sex 3 times this year and only with him... Ahh well... i am so angry and upset and sometimes it makes me a little snappy... but i am trying to manage the fact that someone who has been my best friend for 8 years and partner on and off for that period of time too.. has just up rooted and left without so much as a proper good bye.

 

[Shepherdess]

From what you've wrote it sounds like you and your baby are going to be better off without him, I'd never let anyone who did drugs around my child and definitely wouldn't leave them alone together

So he has no plans to see the baby at all?

 

[Loula]

He would only get parental responsibility if he was on the birth certificate.
From experience you are better off on your own if he's going to act like that.
As long as you have a good support network around you you will be fine x

 

[kumber]

I'm sorry you've been through this but I think you'll be much better off without. Best of luck hun, stay strong!

 

[Kitten1991]

Thank you all for your support. I found out the Gender and thought it best to text him as i'm unsure where he is right now :/ he says he still wants to be a part of her life but expects me to let him have baby on her own from newborn with his new girlfriend over 2hrs away in Manchester =/ I've explained to him that with his past history i am not happy with it.

Asked him not to contact me again, as he began to stress me out big time.

My family is helping me sort things out, and being more than supportive.

It still upsets me but like everyone else keeps saying we are both better off without him.

 

[Applepie]

If you dont put him on the birth cert then he will have to apply to the court to have his name put on it which would give him parental responsibility. However I am certain the courts wouldnt allow him to take a newborn baby 2 hrs away overnight. They would probably suggest he come visit her for a few hours at first to build things up. All this is assuming he takes it to court.

 

[mylullaby]

Thank you all for your support. I found out the Gender and thought it best to text him as i'm unsure where he is right now :/ he says he still wants to be a part of her life but expects me to let him have baby on her own from newborn with his new girlfriend over 2hrs away in Manchester =/ I've explained to him that with his past history i am not happy with it.

Asked him not to contact me again, as he began to stress me out big time.

My family is helping me sort things out, and being more than supportive.

It still upsets me but like everyone else keeps saying we are both better off without him.

There is no way the courts would grant him contact away from you at such a young age. All you'll need to do is make her available for contact at an arranged time/date and it'll be up to him to show up. Can be at a contact centre if you don't want him coming to your home. His girlfriend isn't anything to do with your baby so the contact will involve you, your ex and your daughter. Ex will need to provide evidence to court that he's built up a relationship with his daughter over time and that she's old enough to cope away from you. I'll bet you anything that once he realises what a massive inconvenience it is driving 2 hours each way for contact he'll stop trying. I really wouldn't worry about him and his gf having her because the likelihood that it'll ever come to that is about 1% xx enjoy your baby girl and to hell with him xx

 

[Kitten1991]

Thank you ladies, it is really appreciated.

 

[tinselcat]

Like everyone else has mentioned, having his name on the birth certificate or not seems to make a difference in terms of legal rights.

Based on everything you've said, I'd also strongly recommend you steer well clear of him.

Going to court will cost him a considerable sum of money, at least £10k I would have thought. I am just about to start undergoing stuff at the family court in proceedings launched by my soon-to-be ex-husband.

I would gather together as much evidence you can of his bad behaviour, establish an audit trail, medical documentation is very useful.

Plus, no court will turn over a newborn baby from her mummy to someone else for hours. Especially if you are breastfeeding and the baby is dependent on you.

I am building a life as a single mother and I can't tell you how much happier I am this way. Make sure you have a lot of support around you when the baby is born though! xxx

 

[Kitten1991]

Thank you ladies