Empty

Discussion in 'Coping with Miscarriage & Loss' started by naomi88, Jun 20, 2013.

  1. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    After bleeding for a week and a half, having a scan at 7+5 and hearing a lovely strong heart beat, to the blood then stopping convincing me that everything was ok, there was then no hb at the follow up scan at 8+6. The baby had grown since the last scan, so they think it stopped fairly recently. That wait while i waited for the sonographer to turn the screen round.. but she never did. Had a panic attack while i was lying there so they had to call for a doctor.

    It has literally been the worst couple of days of my life. I was so convinced that i would be bringing home another little picture, not having to decide how to pass the foetus and what i wanted the hospital to do with it after. As the bleeding had stopped they said it could take a while for me to pass things naturally, so i opted for surgical management. Went in yesterday at 7am and was home by 7pm. Guess i was lucky they could see me so quickly- i wanted things over as quickly as possible. I know that probably sounds really selfish but i couldn't stand the thought of walking around for another week with a dead baby inside of me.

    Id stupidly got Simon a fathers day card with the 7+5 scan pic on. Not sure what he will want to do with that now. He's really been by rock this week, but i know he's hurting too.

    And now i just feel empty. Empty, sore, and very sad.

    I have no idea where we go from here.
     
  2. Sophie_P

    Sophie_P Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry :-(. I don't know what to say.
     
  3. Dee28

    Dee28 Well-Known Member

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    Oh naomi, i wish i could reach in and give you a cuddle, i am so sorry this has happened. I have started to pop in to tri 1 lately to see how some of my TTC buddies are doing and i was truly gutted to see your post. I think for now you just have to let yourself feel sad and take time to rest and let yourself heal. I'm sure Simon will cherish the card forever more, even though you won't meet this baby it was still your first and i would feel blessed to have a picture to cherish. Enormous hugs to you xxx
     
  4. jojo3972

    jojo3972 Well-Known Member

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    I'm so very sorry ur going through this I know first hand now tough it is to see a lovely heartbeat then be told a couple weeks later I'm sorry ur baby has died :-( ur world just gets turned upside down from beeing the happiest to the sadest in a second is just so overwhelming I to had a panic attack at my scan but not like u would think I went onto autopilot not hearing anything anyone said and then continued to go about my day getting on 2 buses and getting home then I broke down I cried for days and days asking myself why me again what have I done , I then had to decide what to do I had already lost a baby the yr before in the same way and tried medical management that didn't work so I decided I wanted a Erpc and I had to wait 5 long days for them to take away my dead baby , it was horrendous but I got through I have gd and bad days and its over a yr since it happens and I've had another loss since then although before 5 weeks so nothing like I went through with my mmc still sad but no where near as bad , the empty feeling does get better but never goes away there will always be a whole I feel I need to fill and I'm still trying to fill that hole and I'm hoping I can do that soon and get my rainbow baby , ya have to have some hope its wat keeps me going, great bug hugs and take it easy and take care of urself xxxx
     
  5. laurat

    laurat Well-Known Member

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    Im sorry for your loss! Take care of you and your oh! Xxxx
     
  6. leean10

    leean10 Well-Known Member

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    I am sorry for your loss hon, it really is so unfair.

    Just take time out to grieve lovely and it will happen for you one day, I have to believe that for myself and I believe it can happen for you as well.

    Big hugs to you sweet xxxx
     
  7. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much for your kind words ladies. I wasn't sure about coming back on this site as thought it might upset me more, but i am glad i did now as you are all so supportive and lovely.
    I am glad i didn't have to wait for the erpc like you jojo- don't think i could have handled that.
    I just can't believe it's happened. It seemed like fate, conceiving on our first anniversary.
    x
     
  8. leean10

    leean10 Well-Known Member

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    It really is so unfair hon, but as I said, it will happen for you one day.

    I have lost 6 now and it is still hard but I am going to keep trying and I believe you should too!! Being on this site really helped me deal with it because you don't feel quite so alone and you have other ladies who can sympathise and feel your pain.

    We are all here for you if you need to talk xx
     
  9. Vickilou25

    Vickilou25 Well-Known Member

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    Its a hard time but with love and support you will get thro like u my other half was a rock for me to even tho he was hurting inside, am here if you want to talk. Lots of love xxxx
     
  10. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks so much girls. Hope we all get sticky beans sometime soon.
    Gosh 6 losses leean.. that's awful- so sorry you had to go through so many.

    Trying to focus on what i have got at the moment. I couldn't ask for a more loving or supportive husband, and we both have our health. Can't face getting out of bed today, but hopefully things will ease a bit with time. x
     
  11. leean10

    leean10 Well-Known Member

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    It is a lot but there are women on here who have had more than me and now have beautiful babies so I am sure it will happen for me in the end, I have to try and stay positive.

    You stay in bed today if need be, you have just had surgery and you are grieving. It will take time but I promise you hon that it does get better. I am still grieving now but it doesn't hurt as much although I still have my good and bad days. My good days are more frequent now though.

    Start TTC again as soon as you are ready and I just know it will work for you one day xx
     
  12. Iwant3

    Iwant3 Well-Known Member

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    so sorry to hear your news....it sounds so familar to me too. I saw a hb at at 7week scan but the very next day I lost that bean......I had been bleeding too.

    you are going to go through a range of feelings, and you may not understand or want to feel some of them, but you really do need to just go with it - pretending you don't feel a certain way, just makes that feeling lock away only to come back again in the future when you least expect it to. the worse one I found was anger! I didn't like feeling it and didn't know how to express it. which caused me to have quite a lot of physical pain in the end.

    I;m glad you felt able to come back to the foum, this section and all the ladies on here have really helped me through everything!
     
  13. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    Thank you.

    I felt really angry at points in the hospital. The staff were mainly lovely, but i think it is disgraceful that miscarriages are dealt with in the same section as maternity.. seeing people walking past with new babies and balloons etc was the worst feeling ever.

    Got to keep positive that it will happen for us at some point.

    Part of me feels like i want to start trying as soon as the pain goes away, but i don't know whether that is disrespectful to our angel baby.x
     
  14. Holly1991

    Holly1991 Well-Known Member

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    It's not disrespectful hun, just do what you feel is right at the time. I waited a month after then tried again.

    What helped me was i got some little memorial fairy thats in my kitchen, i never want to forget my little bean but i feel less sad now. I promise you it does get better even if it doesnt feel like it will atm, time is a great healer just take your time to grieve etc.

    Sending all my thoughts your way & i hope you get an extra sticky bean next time.

    Lotsa hugs, were all here for you
    xx
     
  15. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks holly. I like the idea of a memorial of some kind. x
     
  16. Kay Kay

    Kay Kay Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry naomi, just terrible news. Thinking of you xxxx
     
  17. Daley

    Daley Well-Known Member

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    I'm really sorry Hun, I was so hopeful for you. What a crap few weeks we've had on tri one! This site has been really helpful, it's a great place to discuss your feelings and has helped me loads. Hopefully we'll get our sticky beans soon x
     
  18. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    Thank you daley. It really has been an awful few weeks, seems lots of us who got May bfps have had an awful time of it.
    Really hope we can be back in tri 1 soon. Have you decided when you are going to try again? Xxx
     
  19. Daley

    Daley Well-Known Member

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    Still deciding! Keep changing my mind, think I'll be ovulating soon but not sure whether or not to wait until after I get my first AF. Just going with the flow, bedding when I want to at the moment and not because I think I'll be ovulating soon.
     
  20. Mummy2toddler

    Mummy2toddler Well-Known Member

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    So sorry you've gone through this. When i had second miscarriage I decided i wanted to ttc straight after. Its not disrespectful imo. When we were ttc after I had stopped bleeding it kind of got me through it in the way that i wanted another bfp and a sticky baby. I've heard youre very fertile after a miscarriage also infact i know a few people who got pregnant straight after a miscarriage and went on to have there beautiful babies. Hope you dont mind me saying that its down to you when you want to ttc again I know. I'm so sorry again. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband xxxxx
     

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