Emotionally scarred by having a baby in SCBU?

[Annie050408]

Does anyone else ever feel emotionally scarred by the experience of not getting to keep their baby with them after they were born and then being away from them for so long and only getting to see them/stroke them through an incubator.

I am loving being a mum and know Ella and I have a very strong bond and I also know that 9 days in SCBU is nothing compared to what a lot of people go through but I genuinely still often feel sad for myself and for her that we couldn't be together during those special first few days.

I am terrified of it happening again and desperately hope that I get to hold and keep my next baby with me and don't have to go through the whole SCBU thing again.

I've looked for support groups etc... but can't find any which makes me think I'm just being daft and that most people just get on with it.

 

[karenandbump]

My sister is struggling with this (and the resultant cerebral palsy I have to add) and it does seem hard t get help. I have no idea how to help her.....ur not alone hon and I hope that ur HVs etc are more helpful that my sisters have been x x x x

 

[ZMD]

Tegan was only in the NICU for about an hour, the thought of having a baby there or SCBU for longer frightens me.
Im sure your Not alone Hun xx

 

[jld123]

Edie was in scbu for almost 3 weeks. I myself don't feel too upset about those first few weeks but i can totally understand why you would. Id had a rough 6 weeks so just the fact that she was here and well was good enough for me. i do however feel emotionally scarred that I never got to experience labour and in some ways it feels like, one minute i was pregnant then next i was a mother with very little to no effort at all from me. I found it difficult to consider myself a mother as i hadnt actually done anything. I do also feel like the special bond has developed in the time that she has been home rather than the first few days and weeks.

its something us poor prem mummys have to deal with unfortunately. Luckily we have healthy gorgeous babies at the end of it just like everyone else

 

[mumawiles]

Hi im new on here but my little girll was born at 29 weeks and was in SCBU for 6 weeks, it still gets to me sometimes when i remember what it was like and when i see everyone else enjoying their first few days with their babies, all the little bits i missed out on. i tried talking to my HV about it but she just shrugged it off. But on the good side a friend of mine had her baby at 24 weeks but her second baby was overdue! so dont let it worry you about having another baby, it doesnt mean your new LO will be early xx

 

[lanny]

By brother bf was the same annie first baby born at 25wks spent 4 months in scbu, second time she was 2 wks overdue hopefully this one won't come early and you can enjoy the first few days, my brother hadn't done night feeds before till there 2nd there 1st was sleeping through when he came home from hospital lol

 

[KellyHook]

I do feel upset sometimes when i think that i missed out on taking her home at the same time i went home, and i was all on my own the first night i had her, instead of on the ward with my baby and all the other new mummys.. she was in scbu for 2weeks and 3 days and i just sat and stared at her all day with the occasional feed and cuddle, plus family having to wait till she was discharged from scbu to see her.

BUT, i am now on my second pregnancy and tomorrow is my due date and im soo pleased that i hopefully wont have to have this baby go to special care, and should enjoy what they call a normal delivery and then being allowed home with my baby!

xx

 

[Annie050408]

I hope you do get that hon and I hope I get that this time too! xx

 

[JJ Mum]

Try not to worry Annie every pregnancy is different - do tell your worries to the hosp incase they had a reason why you were early (but I'm sure you asked all those questions after last time).

My first was in Scbu, went straight from theatre and I had a polaroid photo to stare at for the day, and then got to see him that night when I walked down myself, and then got my first brief cuddle on day 3 and then came home without him on day 7 and he stayed another full week, while I got lifts back to spend the day with him, I know not long in scbu terms , but I found it very hard to be at home in bed with him away at the hospital.

My second was as healthy as anything - it was a dream come true
the third , 3 hours of lovely , then back in scbu for 3 days, then with me on the ward for extra care till day 7
My last had some extra care on the ward for antibodies, but all healthy and well

So you can see all preganncys and births are as different as can be, you can't plan for it, but having said that if the worst did happen, you would be mentally so much more ready and prepared for it this time, as you have been there before and know the road

Here is my first baby rhys having his first cuddle, only lasted about 1 min , but worth the wait, (I'd just burst into tears so look at bit rough)

 

[EmSmith1980]

Anya is my 4th baby. My older 3 were big chunky full termers.

Anya was born at 23+6, and spent 136 days in the neonatal unit. 10 weeks in intensive care, 5 weeks in high dependency and 5 weeks in special care. Anya is 10months old now, and I still feel traumatised. How I ever coped, I really do not know. I stayed in hospital for 3 days after she was born, as I missed my other children and my husband so badly, but leaving my tiny wee girl behind (in good hands), completely broke my heart. I felt as though I was abandoning her. We made 2-3 visits to see her every single day. I know a lot of mum's find it hard to bond with their premature babies, but I felt a very strong bond with Anya, and I literally had to be dragged away, crying, from her bedside everyday.

I would love to go on and have a 5th baby, but I'm terrified of it all happening again.

xx

 

[Laura_C]

I just don't now how I would cope if this little one ends up in NICU like Ethan, I am completely traumatised by it but maybe that because I had to say goodbye to him there and never got my little boy home. I still hear all those machines beeping in my head, just horrible. Even the thought of SCBU scares me, Im gonna be a mess if something goes wrong again. Grace was a dream, healthy as anything and as soon as she was born she was mine and only mine. Never left my sight xxx

 

[beckibooxx]

I Wouldnt say its emotional scarred me, but i remember at the time when my daughter was in incubator for about weeks it really did effect me in a big way, id go home when leaving Nicu and cry myself to sleep becuase i wanted to bring her home, when she was born i never got to hold her , she was brought to me and i gave her a little kiss and then she was taken away.. was heartbreaking... i got jealous of the thought the nurses holding my child BEFORE me..
im 33 weeks now and dread of having another prem baby but you just gotta be prepared and not let it play on your mind, the more you think about having another its likely to happen

x

 

[mablestarr]

Hi Annie and everyone

I've only just come back to this forum as we're kind of trying again, but slightly reuctant to go through the same thing again.

I definately understand how you feel. After we came home I would say that I did struggle with the experiences during pregnancy (being stuck in hospital) and after having him. To be honest I think I already had it stuck in my head that the baby would be taken straight away to SCBU and that I wouldn't get to hold him, I also knew that he would be a long time in SCBU.

Now that we're thinking of having another the thing that scares me the most is having to be in hospital being monitored before the baby is born. There is a high chance of it happening again and the consultant has said that I will be monitored closely. Last time there was only me and OH to think about whereas now we have Tomos. And as we dont have any family close by to help out it will be difficult.

I would love for Tomos to have a little brother or sister but I sometimes find myself thinking I should make the most of what we've got.

As for support groups I'm not sure what's available, Bliss might be a good one but I've not got any experiences of it myself. I found that writting stuff down helped me. On some of the difficut days I just write how I feel, that way I just get everything out.

Don't be thinking that you're daft as you're not.

xxx

 

[don-don]

Hey chick,

Nice to see you back. How is Tomos doing? xxxxxxx

 

[Andreabrad]

My baby boy has just come out of scbu after being born at 34 weeks. The hardest thing I am trying to deal with is the doctors taking him straight off me when he was born and that I wasn't the first one to hold him or cuddle him and he was taken straight to scbu and it was hours before I saw him and when I did I broke down. Seeing your baby covered in tubes and wires and needles in their tiny little arms is so hard to deal with. I felt I had to be strong and hold it together but every night I cried. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. Seeing him so vulnerable and small in the incubator was awful and I hated leaving him but I was so exhausted. When I was well enough I was able to stay on the scbu in a family room which helped a great deal. But now I feel like I've been robbed of those special first moments, obviously I am so happy he is healthy and got the help he needed straight away, but I feel like I've missed out on so much in that short space of time, something I will never get back. I often wondered if he knew it was even me sat next to him holding his hand. It was awful xx

 

[fresh]

I wasn't too bad, they put Charlie on me after birth and I had him for a few minutes before they took him off to stick ng tube in, then we had another cuddle before he was taken to scbu for the night, when we went to see him it felt like he was someone else's baby
He then went onto a ward to await an operation and was in an incubator for 3 weeks
Like above it felt like we needed permission to do things, couldn't treat him like ours and bonding was definitely hard, i hardly did skin to skin, even when they encouraged it everytime i fid it, something would happen; another doctor would come and examine him and id have to put him back
as a result my breast milk was so low we had to combi feed from a week old and it still never got going; just given up after 7 weeks of 20ml expressed

As soon as we got home, the feeling of bonding was instant, within a day we were there, he was now mine and I made his choices, not the nurses
It was a very good week

I feel like I failed him a bit due to the breast milk but know, or blame, the situation

 

[fresh]

Pressed send too soon

I keep telling my friend: he's easy, he doesn't cry, I'm getting sleep, this has been a doddle so far, they look at me really odd and say that what we had to deal with, was very hard and they don't know how we got through it (I look oddly back...) but you do get through it, don't you?

To note; Charlie was born 3 weeks early with down syndrome and a block bowel, so although he wasn't classed as preemie, feels like we did a similar journey

 

[tweetyfoo]

I had a hard time of it with my LO

He was born 4 weeks early with Down's Syndrome - which was a complete surprise to us.

He didn't go into SCBU straight away - I got a private room in the ward due to the circumstances and he stayed with me for 4 days. During that time they were worried about his blood sugars which meant a blood test every three hours. I was determined to BF so he barely ate for first 48hrs. Once my milk issue was sorted and I was expressing and syringe feeding (I was very anti feeding tube) they then became concerned about his jaundice and again was getting blood tests every 3 hours again.

We then found out he had a hole in his heart but were allowed home and given an outpatient appt for 2 days later.

At the scan they discovered a problem with his lungs and he was admitted to hospital and put on oxygen (which he is still on now)

Nothing and I mean nothing prepared me for seeing my little boy in an incubator hooked up to all sorts of wires and tubes, I was completely incosolable - to the point where the doctors became concerned about me.

Thankfully a lovely doctor, came and explained everything really well to me, and I can't thank him enough for that.

We ended up in hospital for 4 weeks - it was really hard, especially towards the end.

I spoke to a psychologist in the hospital and it really helped. I also spoke to the sister in charge and voiced my opinions on the way things are done, and gave her a mums perspective on my stay and she took it all on board.

 

[Kate1985]

Hi all, we are going through this right now. Had Harry at 32 weeks on 5th November and leaving him behind at the hospital is killing me. Watching the nurses feed him and care for my son us tearing me up inside. I'm scared he won't bond with me and that he won't know who I am. I'm terrified I'm missing out on things and at the moment all I do is cry xxxx

 

[Andreabrad]

Hi all, we are going through this right now. Had Harry at 32 weeks on 5th November and leaving him behind at the hospital is killing me. Watching the nurses feed him and care for my son us tearing me up inside. I'm scared he won't bond with me and that he won't know who I am. I'm terrified I'm missing out on things and at the moment all I do is cry xxxx

I know exactly how your feeling. Although the nurses that cared for Ollie were fab, they used to say you can't do that or don't do that and it was awful. Felt like he wasn't mine andi found that hard to deal with. I cried every day and just felt so so guilty. I look at him now and still cry. I tried so hard in the first few days to get my milk going as he was ng fed formula something I really diddnt want.

I had it all planned. He would be placed on me after birth and I would breast feed and things would be lovely. How wrong I was.

The hardest thing to deal with is the lack of control. And did he know it was me, and not just another nurse.

I started to do the ng feeds myself so every 3 hours I set my alarm on my phone and went to feed him myself and change him and care for him. I was lucky I was able to be in the hospital. The nurses would tell me to get some sleep and they would do it but I really diddnt want them to do it. I am his mum its my job.

Things will get better. You will get confidence in doing little things. The one thing only I could do for him was provide him with my milk. And I get a lot of satisfaction from that. No one else can do it so that was my part in his care.

We're home now thankfully, but the NICU nurses still come 3 times a week. I felt the bond as soon as I got him home and he was finally mine. No nurses watching what I was doing.

Keep strong, and talk about how your feeling don't bottle it up. Get involved as much as possible with the care side of things, it will make you feel much better.

I hope things get better for you, if you need to talk, I am here

Thinking of you xxxxxx