Discipline for children??

[newbump]

What is everyones thoughts on how to discipline your child. I know there are new laws etc that state you can not smack your child now, I was smacked when i was young if i had been naughty and have turned out just fine, same as many others i know in my generation or older (im 25)!!!

I still feel that too many parents are not given their rights to discipline their children now the same way, which to me seems to have resulted in many bad behaved children terroising our streets!! Dont get me wrong im not talking about smacking my child all the time for every little mistake or everytime they misbehave, im by no means an evil mother, just feel that disciplining a child is of benefit to both them and the parents

Does anyone else agree/disagree?

Natalie

 

[Skidoo]

I'm a little older than you (39!) and was smacked occasionally as a child. Unfortunately the one time I really remember was when I hadn't done what I was accused of! I geuss it didn't do any lasting harm, but on the whole I think that resorting to hitting is a bad idea.

I see a lot of badly brought up kids around where I live, but I don't think that's a result of parents not hitting them, but quite the reverse.

I've also been around a fair few kids (step kids, cousins and my much younger sisters) who were brought up without hitting and they are perfectly well behaved. I don't mean that they were never hit, but it was very much a last resort and never in anger.

 

[Mirra]

I do not know the laws over here as I am from the US. But I do know that the majority of Americans believe it is illegal to spank your children and that they can be taken from you if you hit them.

I did some volunteer work with abused kids and the fact is over there, it is perfectly legal to spank children (even though most think it is not). I would bet money it is the same in the UK. For some reason social workers in the US seem to have a bad reputation (unjustified) and I can't imagine the UK is much different.

There is a big difference between spanking your child and knocking them across the room. I had to go to a ton of classes teaching me how to spot the difference. Just for an example...when someone calls child services on someone because their kids are bruised up a lot. Some kids are naturally bumbly. Bruises on knees, foreheads, and elbows is pretty common. Bruises across cheeks, stomachs, thighs, etc is not.

I don't know the laws at all in the UK. I would suggest really checking into them so you know for sure.


As for me, yes we believe in spanking our children though it usually a last resort. They are my step children and I got them when they were 5. They have always been with their dad (my hubby) who I think is the most amazing father. His voice is more than enough to calm them down, lol. He is extremely strict with them, but at the same time he plays and cuddles with them everyday (they are 11 now). When we go out in public they never act up, scream or run around. If they are told to sit still they do so and we always get so many compliments on them. The last time we had to spank them they were 8.

I think it mainly just comes down to staying on top of them. And no matter how strict we are, we spend even more time showing them love and being a family. I wish I could take credit but they've been that great since I met them at 5 so it's pretty much all my hubby. I plan on raising this baby the same way with him.

 

I agree - I was smacked as a kid (smacked on the bum, not beaten) and I didn't turn out too bad!
I think sometimes the child itself is a lot to blame - the crowds it grows up in, the school, the area, not just the parents. Parents can neglect a child and that child can still grow into the most beautiful person.

I guess it's what you feel necessary. Don't think anyone always agree's on this one!

 

[Rosieroo]

My mum was disciplined with violence as a child (belt, smacking etc), and she disciplined me the same way. Although I am not a tearaway now, I do feel like lashing out when frustrated with DH and he doesn't do something I want him to do/says something that is wrong which I would've been smacked for when I was younger.

I do not feel that being hit deterred my behaviour when I was younger, it was instead a means of my mother taking out her frustration.

I do not want to smack my child.

 

[newbump]

Thank you all for your replies, i would just like to point out that i do not plan to beat my child and most certainly do not agree with a child being beaten, being strict without having to smack your child is always a good thing and what i hope to acheive! Please do not think for moment that i was trying to justify abuse on children, i read the books by david pelzer, A Boy Called It, and i cried the whole way through

I know it is not always down to the parents if their children grow up to be nasty etc and i also know some children respond more with soft words, shouting all the time at children i do not feel keeps them under control, this is what i mean about discipline, shouting all the time becomes a norm to them so when they have been naughty and get shouted at, it doesnt make any difference to them as they are already used to it!

Well hope i explained myself a bit better, this time, do not want anyone thinking im a wicked witch or anything

Natalie x

 

[-Cat-]

Again too, I was smacked as a child, it was rare and was only if I had been really bad, dont think it adversly affected me.

The law recently passed in the UK regarding smacking is that is against the law to smack or hit your child in such as way as to leave a bruse or break the skin, but other than that as a parent you are within your rights to smack your child. I am in full agrement of this law personally as it just stops anyone going so far as to hit or beat the child with an object, but dosent stop you from giving your child a smack on the bottom.

 

[Urchin]

I try not to smack my son. Sometimes it's really hard, he's 4 and generally good as gold, but definitley has his moments!
The best way I have of dealing with him is by positive reinforcement and withdrawing his favorite things. (usually his favourite thing is me so I ignore him and leave the room. He HATES that!)

I have given him the odd smack, but only when he does something extreme, eg. walking into the road or other things that might hurt him.

I have wanted to smack a lot more than I have actually done it, and always try to take a moment to calm myself before deciding what to do... it really helps.

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

i will be bringing up my baby the same way that my mum and dad brought me up - even though i have fallen pregnant at 17 i still see that they did a good job with me (and still are) so if i can be half as good as my parents were with me i am hoping ill be a good mum

 

[littlebump]

My mum smacked us as children (never my dad) and though it was never particularly hard, I think it was done far too often and became the easiest solution to all minor niggles (i.e. she didn't even attempt other 'softer' methods of disciplining us). Often it was smack first, ask questions later, so consequently we were often smacked over something we hadn't even done which of course was grossly unfair (and I had a very strong sense of fairness as a child!). My mum and I are not very close now - I think a lot has to do with how she coped with us when we were children. But to be fair, all of us have turned out fine.

As far as bringing up my own child, I would like to use alternative means to discipline him/her. However I do think there will possibly be occasions where only a little smack on the bottom will do - e.g. if a child ignores you and runs out onto the road or goes to put his/her hand in the fire etc! But I plan to use it only as a last resort. My hubbie said he was smacked only twice as a child as far as he recalls, and he thinks he deserved it both times! Him and his sister also turned out fine and they are very close to their parents, which proves smacking it is not the only or best way to discipline children

 

[emilia]

What a terribly interesting debate!!!!
It has certainly made me think about my own experience and how I have reflected it upon my own children.
I was smacked a lot as a child when your were seen and not heard! I hated the humiliation of it all and made me feel degraded more often than never. Did not do my self esteem any good!!!!!
I broke the chain with my children. I used the "positive destraction" method and it worked. I have two lovely children that have much respect and understanding from right & wrong. I think back to when my mother smacked me. She was in an unhappy marriage & frustrated. I genuinely believe that most parents do smack unneccasary due to their own circumstances. It's used as a relief mechanism. Also, some parents just DO NOT KNOW where to draw the line and that why law has to protect our children!
As for unruly children - bring your children up with much love, show respect infront of them (argue behind closed doors) and teach them boundries!!! It takes hard work and effort but has far more rewards.
As parents we are firm, our boundries are clear and we love and respect our children and each other. Not an easy job I have to admit!
Good luck and happy parenting!
Emilia

 

[minikins]

I know there are new laws etc that state you can not smack your child now

Just to let you know there is no law (it was voted out recently), that says you can't smack your children. You can, but moderately, so with good judgement.

Check out this link for more info if you are worried and what you can and can't do etc: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/3868561.stm

Personally I think it's good to give the odd smack, again like newbump, I was smacked when things got bad and it did not harm me at all, in fact I think it taught me respect and good discipline. However, you need to draw the line somewhere and not smack for every old thing, otherwise your kiddie won't learn anything.

What a good debate newbump !!

 

[minikins]

I agree - I was smacked as a kid (smacked on the bum, not beaten) and I didn't turn out too bad!

Didn't turn out too bad - that's a matter of opinion

 

[Dee1985]

i think it is ok to smack... oviously there is a limit..

but what age do u start disapline???

dior knows not to touch the dvd player as when she crawls up to it she looks at me and shacks her head as if to say "no"

 

[hayley]

I think our own common sense tells us how much is too much when smacking a child. I slap on the back of the hand or the bum is reasonable if the child can't be punished by taking away their favourite toy etc. I was slapped as a child (the back of the leg etc) i don't think i turned out too bad nor my brother!

I'd like to think i can control my child using other methods but if it comes to it i don't feel there is any harm donewith a gentle slap to the back of the hand or bum...

x

 

[emilia]

Oh lordy.... bless all the little bunnies - smacks or no smacks!!!

 

[xSuzx]

I Too was smacked as a child, my mother did most of it but like someone else said it seemed she did it for everything and had no other way of dealing with it and it was more like she was taking out her frustration then disaplining me, my dad on the other very rarey smacked us but when he did it was well deserved.

I personally try not to smack my boys only in extremes (as it never really has an effect if used all the time), I resently started a new way of curving my boys boistrous and unruly behaviour. I've started a sticker chart.

every time they do something that they are asked (ie getting dressed straight away or eating all there dinner) or are really good for certain accasions they get a nice smily sticker, if they are arguing or being really loud or not doing as they are told they get a warning then if they carry on they get a little red sticker (called naughty stickers) getting these upsets them more then any other form of disapline that we've tried.

the sticker chart is working very well at the moment the last few day they've not really had any naughty stickers but quite a few smily ones.

I think the way we disapline our children changes as they get older and begin to understand more for a toddler normally a firm voice or a slap to the hand is surficiant (sp?), but as they get older other ways are needed, obviously I won't be using the sticker chart when my boys are teenagers lol.

 

[Imi-Maddie's-Mum]

I myself was smacked as a child ...

I do and i don't agree with smacking, in the terms of if you tell them more than 3 times and they still carry on, if it's not to bad a crime i'd use the naughty chair/step method ...

If it was the likes of swearing, hitting other children/me then yes i suppose i would smack the bottom, after telling them that what they have done is wrong ...

I'd only smack for severe case's of bad behaviour, but sometimes there is no other method of punishment that the child doesn't think isn't serious or funny!!

Very interesting debate ... enjoyed reading this thread!!!

Take care ...

Imogen+Bean
xxx

 

[nicki]

Hi All,

I have to say I agree with everyone else as regards to smacking.

I was disciplined as a child and got a fair few smacks mainly off my Dad, the only thing was, sometimes he forgot that he was a grown man and i was a little girl and didn't realize his own strength and it did hurt me, also if we were sitting at the table and I was being naughty he would smack me round the back of the head, something I disagree with as children are fragile, I wised up to this and used to duck! that just made him even more mad

The thing was I usually deserved a smack, but only would get them after I had been told off/no etc several times and warned that I would get a smack, so my own fault! I'm fine now so it didn't do me any harm.

If my child deserves a smack he'll get one but only as a last resort, i'm not talking about beating him and I think that's where alot of folk get confused about if its right or not, discipline should be enforced not ignored or this country will slowly go down the tubes! (my opinion!)

Nicki.

 

[lauramumof2]

I would have said I was in favour of the occasional smack on the bum but not now.

I had a situation a few weeks ago where Jessica got a smack on the bum for doing something very naughty and it was totally non productive. Instead of smacking her I should have went about it a different way, someone mentioned positive destraction, and thats what I should have done. If I had spent a bit more time explaining why and punishing her in a non physical way I wouldnt have spent 10 minutes calming her down. The minute my hand hit her bum (nappy padded) I regreted it and know I wont do it again.

I got smacked as a child and while I suffered no ill consequences I wont be doing it.