Did you/will you tell your family you're in labour?

Discussion in 'Labour & Birth' started by CornishGirl, Jun 10, 2016.

  1. CornishGirl

    CornishGirl Well-Known Member

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    My baby will be the first on both sides of the family, so obviously everyone is excited. I was chatting to one of my older sisters before, and she said I'd have to give a commentary on the pain and how it is. I completely understand why she's interested, but I basically told her I'd be telling no one when I went into labour. This triggered a bit of an argument. She said they wanted to go through it with me and that everyone would be disappointed in us if we didn't tell. I mean she was really trying to guilt me in to it.

    I know what they're like and if I told them they'd be asking for 10 minute updates, trying to call and would worry if we hadn't replied or it was taking too long. This sister even tried to invite herself to the labour.

    My opinion is that I want it to just be me and my husband. I want that special bonding time as a new family and I don't want phones as a distraction. I want to rest after the birth and breast feed in peace. I would be very upset if my husband was forced to sit in a corner replying to everyone.

    We could tell them when labour starts and then turn our phones off, but if it was then a long labour they would most likely worry and send out a search party. I'm a home birth too so not easy to deny visitors.

    I just wondered how many other people didn't tell their family until after the birth?
     
  2. Phoenix85

    Phoenix85 Well-Known Member

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    With my other two I was induced so in hospital and family were told. My mum was with me for my first (as well as my partner at the time and my aunty!)
    My ex told his parents and they turned up at the hospital and were outside the room at the end so came in within minutes... that really annoyed me.

    With my second I was induced in the afternoon and not in established labour til 7pm so only my partner stayed with me. I assume he told close family but luckily she was born after 10pm so they had to wait til visiting the next day.

    I don't have any brothers or sisters though so there's only my parents really to tell (different baby daddy this time and he's not involved)

    This time I am having a home birth and don't want my mum around. I sort of fell out with her the other day and whilst we're still talking, her attitude pissed me off & she made me realise I can't count on her for anything. So the way I feel now I'll be waiting til quite a while after the birth to actually tell her I had the baby. Just don't want her turning up (though I highly doubt she would anyway, she's always busy. But if she ever does come round it's always unannounced and at the most inconvenient time lol)
     
    #2 Phoenix85, Jun 10, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2016
  3. BunnyN

    BunnyN Well-Known Member

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    We have had two home births. We told our families when I went into labour. It was tempting not to but we decided we should. My parents were fine and made a point of being available but staying well out of our way. My mum had a HB with me and got the being left in peace bit. My inlaws were very stressed about something going wrong and I made it clear to OH I didnt want them anywhere near! To start with my MIL wanted to be at the birth. And when I said no they wanted to wait outside in the car incase we needed something, lol. They are not actually pushy people usually but they were worried. I kept saying how it was normal for 1st labours to be really long so it wasnt worth them waiting about. Our MW said its really important for the labour to have plenty of peace and quiet and privatd time, otherwise it can get in the way of progression so we told them that. I asked OH to explain that we would let them know when the baby was born but I still had to deliver the placenta and might need stitches etc and would want a shower and change before seeing people so we would let them know when we were ready and they could come for a quick visit with the baby. My 1st labour was 38hrs! As it turned out we had plenty of time waiting about for things to progress and we both talked and texted family a few times. I asked OH to send a text when I started pushing because I thought they must be getting worried. I wasnt keen on having people to see the baby right after but it was really important to them so we agreed on a quick visit. As it was it was quite nice to see people and show off the baby and have pics etc after we had gotten settled. My second labour was quicker and more intense so we didnt talk to family much but my inlaws were a lot less stressed. He was also born late at night so no one came until the next morning. In a way I prefered it being on the same day because I was still buzzing from labour and excited to talk about it so couldnt sleep anyway. The next day I was just tired, lol.
     
    #3 BunnyN, Jun 10, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2016
  4. El1en

    El1en Well-Known Member

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    My oh had to tell his brother ASAP as he needed him to come and look after our sheep while we went to hospital. My friends also knew as my oh asking his brother meant his gf knew and it ended up on our group what's app and obviously I wasn't replying to their speculation. My labour was really tough and my poor oh was looking so stressed and upset I told him to go and ring his mum so he could talk to someone but he didn't want to. I'm guessing she knew from bil but she didn't say anything. I also told my mum towards then end of my labour via a message as she'd been messaging me that day and I knew not replying would have worried her. She was great though and just stayed quiet until oh rang her with news
     
  5. Maud

    Maud Well-Known Member

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    We didn't tell anyone. I didn't want mothers worrying. My inlaws actually called while I was in labour so OH had a very forced conversation with them pretending all was normal! OH sent texts to parents on the way to hospital afterwards (I had a home birth and then was transferred in) and asked people not to call as we would update them the next day but they did all still try to call to find out more.

    This time is going to be different as my.mum will be looking after our little girl. She is the only person who knows our due date and will be the only person who knows when I go into labour.
     
  6. snowbee

    snowbee Well-Known Member

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    I'm not actually pregnant but if I ever get that far I will not be telling family until baby is here. However my husband works with his father, so he will have to know. Not planning on telling anyone else, there will be plenty of time to tell them about it afterwards. My family don't live close by and as much as I like them I don't want them turning up randomly before we are ready.

    I think your request is reasonable but everyone is different and has different boundaries!
     
  7. Alrm198

    Alrm198 Well-Known Member

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    My DH's parents are chilled and don't expect to come for the birth. This will be their 3rd grandchild, as DH's older bro and younger sister already have a child each. It's the first grandchild on my side though which is where it gets a bit more complicated, as I have my mum, my dad and my stepmum all anxiously waiting. Tbf, I had another chat with my mum this week about no visitors to the hospital and she was ok with it. It's my stepmum who is the wildcard, I've told my dad twice now asking if he remembers us saying we don't want any visitors at the hospital and that if they do turn up they will be turned away (it's even in my birth notes). But whenever it has been relayed back to my stepmum, she laughs it off as if I'm just saying it and we don't actually mean it. I'm going to have another chat with my dad this weekend to reiterate we want complete privacy. Equally though I'm still not going to tell anyone when we go in just on the off chance they still think it'll be ok to turn up. I understand it's exciting but it's an intimate moment for my DH and I and having someone else there would just stress me out. I've said I'll message my sister once bump is born because she lives all the way in Oz and I'm really close to her.
     
  8. Summergurl

    Summergurl Well-Known Member

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    I'm undecided if I'll tell close family. I certainly won't be telling friends as much as I love them. I know family will respect the fact that we want the labour to be just us and are really lucky that whilst they're super excited to meet the baby they all understand that the birth is to be just us two and that they can visit once we are settled during the visiting hours. We're only going to allow our parents and siblings to visit and they all understand they've got to share that visiting slot so well tell them when to come!

    I feel for you guys who have pushy people around you but like somebody else mentioned stick it in your notes about nobody else is to be there and if anybody rings the ward it's not to be disclosed that you're there. X
     
  9. mummywanabe

    mummywanabe Well-Known Member

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    I didn't tell my family with my son, they would have been so stressed, my son was born on Father's Day so I phoned my dad and said happy Father's Day you have a grandson and he cried , everyone was so shocked obviously this time we will need to tell them as we need someone to look after our son
     
  10. PeanutButter

    PeanutButter Well-Known Member

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    I'm not pregnant yet, but if we ever get that far, i wouldn't want to tell anyone. In laws are so pushy. When we told them I was preg with my first mc, they were making plans saying they need to buy stuff for it and everything :roll: so I can imagine if i get to full term they'll be in the waiting room trying to get in as soon as it was out. My hubby doesn't have a problem with this :wall2: aha well see when the time comes :whistle:
     
  11. MrsS15

    MrsS15 Well-Known Member

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    With my son we told both families but neither are pushy and both just said they would be there if we needed anything. In the end I was glad as I had a very long and drawn out labour that ended up quite traumatic so I was glad of their support. When I was in the fairly early stages we actually had my hubby's best friend and his wife round for lunch helping time my contractions :lol: we're very very laid back people though so not much phases us. When we finally get our rainbow we'll be telling family again and same will apply, we'll keep them updated as thing progress and as soon as I'm feeling fine they can all come visit like before :) I have 13 nieces and nephews and known when all labour's started. It's always been a case of keep me updated when you can and I'll be here if you need me. When my sister was pregnant with number 3 I was on call to watch her other 2. In the end when she went into labour I got to her house as she was giving birth on the living room floor :lol: fab moment :D she even gave me the pleasure of phoning family to tell them of my beautiful nieces arrival! We've all always been very respectful that this is a special moment between mummy and daddy but we have all shared details with each other throughout the labour just through the odd text. Like my sisters were texting me asking how sore it was out of 10 :lol: but it lightened the mood for me. That's not everyone's humour to get through. With my sisters second she had him so fast in the middle of the night I woke up at 7am with a text saying call me and when I did my gorgeous nephew was already here. Another thing we had a giggle about!

    Everyone is different and it's personal to each. Do what you feel is right. I think if you set the ground rules in a nice way there shouldn't be an issue. Just a text or phone call saying I think things are maybe starting but slowly so we'll keep you updated as things progress. Or explain to your sister before hand that you're happy to keep her updated so she can be involved in the experience but don't panic if there's no text for a few hours etc. She means well I'm sure :) try not to let it stress you. At the time it'll be the last thing on your mind hun xx
     
    #11 MrsS15, Jun 13, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2016
  12. Lander

    Lander Well-Known Member

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    Not fully discussed things with DH but I know his parents will want to see baby ASAP and they will likely have DsS if he's not with his mum at the time. But doubt they'll be hanging around for delivery, will advise DH that I'd rather they didn't (MiL has mobility issues anyway so think she'd avoid the hanging around iykwim)

    My Mum is likely to be staying with us just beforehand (though you can never really plan around dues dates!!) and my Dad and Stepmum are likely to fly down the M1 within 24 hrs to meet the new arrival as they did when my niece was born last year.

    We knew she was coming though as my SiL had been in with OC for almost a fortnight and induction was just causing non-progressive back labour, so after long enough with ruptured mebranes she had an urgent but not emergency section, we knew she'd be here overnight basically, so lucky me at work at the hospital made a flying lunchtime visit when she was about 12 hours old, checked ok with Bro and SiL first of course though!
     
  13. flexilexi394

    flexilexi394 Well-Known Member

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    My BIGGEST regret of my daughter being born was about 6 family members walking through the door literally minutes after I delivered my placenta, the poor midwife was horrified too I think. My ex must have told my mum or someone what was going on and she brought the whole clan with her, both my parents, both his parents and one set of my grandparents - I was horrified. It was so embarrassing and I was wheeled off to theatre for stitches with only having held my baby once, they all were just passing her round. Was gutted.

    So this time, my mum will be informed when I am in labour, to be fair I don't think she thought everyone would turn up at the hospital she said that they all just kinda arrived after she said that I had the baby, she must have rung round and told people she was born, so this time she knows better! She doesn't know my new partner's parents thank god so we will literally tell them when I am in labour, tell them once the baby is born and either invite them up to the hospital or if I am allowed home quickly, have them round afterwards to say hello.

    It is really really hard to know what to do, but at the end of the day, it is your special moment with your husband and if you think the two of you spending it together is the right thing for you both, then do what makes sense. I didn't want my mum with me in labour or anything and I don't want her there this time either. So I am more than happy to just see her back at home to be honest lol!

    Just don't overwhelm yourself with visitors either, the same bunch of people were at my mums waiting for me and I didn't even have a space on the sofa to sit on after delivering, I was mega pissed off. Was horrible if I am honest, I get that everyone is excited (my daughter was also the first born grand daughter on both sides) but there really is a limit to time and space. Also, babies get really over stimulated too and you will be trying to get the hang of feeding, changing etc, don't add to it by feeling like you have to see everyone straight away, they should give you at least a day or two to settle in.

    Good luck! xx
     
  14. CornishGirl

    CornishGirl Well-Known Member

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    Wow, thank you everyone for so many stories! :)

    It really sounds like a mixed bag when it comes to this, and it seems like everyone is different. I know part of not wanting to tell people is for me, because I find the idea that people will be thinking of me in pain right at that exact moment really off putting. I also don't want me or my OH sat at any point on our mobile phones taking the intimacy out of the moment. I don't want distractions and I don't want people turning up.

    I have another issue relating to this now. A good friend of mine has taken the week before my due date and the week after off. This was for herself, but she keeps suggesting places to go and things to do because I'll be on maternity leave. She actually suggested going for a walk on Dartmoor... I'm not sure if any of you know Dartmoor, but it's definitely not a place I would go for a stroll anywhere near my due date. She's also suggested she could come around if the baby is born in this time and help me. I'm really not being mean or antisocial, but my husband will be on paternity leave and I'd kind of like it to be just us two getting used to family life apart from just visits from friends and family. I don't want someone coming and spending whole days to 'help' us.

    She's a good friend though, and I don't think I'm explaining things well enough to her because I don't want to hurt her feelings. ARGHHH! xx
     
  15. mummywanabe

    mummywanabe Well-Known Member

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    Say nothing for now and at the time just tell her your not feeling well and you can catch up when u feel a bit better x
     
  16. russellmuscle

    russellmuscle Well-Known Member

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    My family knew of my induction date, my mum brought us to the hospital so ofcourse her and OH was there until I was settled and prepped.

    Then she brought OH back to the hospital for delivery, and came in after baby was born, I was stitched and had a shower. So she had a wee wait, but she had drove for like 40 mins early hours so she ended up waiting to see. Although everyone got a call from OH when I was up and settled on the ward.

    This time, I imagine again my mum will know and probably take us to the hospital but once I am discharged which I hope to be immediately this time, I want to go home myself with OH and baby - then invite Jackson to properly meet his little brother and not have any visitors for a couple of days. (it probably wont work that way - but its my plan atm)

    Either way, again the rest of the family will be updated when we are ready. I really cant go overbearing people like that. Its your choice of labour. Its no one elses journey. They should be glad your announcing it afterwards :lol: I was considering not telling anyone for a week, but I realize I might not get away with that! :p

    I had 10 visitors at the hospital first time round, then people showing up at my house. Never again.

    xxxx
     
    #16 russellmuscle, Jun 14, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2016
  17. BunnyN

    BunnyN Well-Known Member

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    You really don't need extra things to think about during labour and just after the birth. You and OH need space to concentrate on you and the labour and the baby. I was actually surprised that I didn't mind some stuff like I thought I would. After saying to OH I didn't want them near me at any point I even invited my inlaws in for a quick visit early in labour. They had come to the door to drop something off I think and I really didnt have to see them if I didnt want to but it was fine in that moment. I also didnt mind sending the odd text during my very drawn out slow labour. However they were things that felt right at the moment. You have to stick with what you feel comfortable with and gives you the space you need if you dont want to be texting etc then that should be fine too. It helps that OH is good at telling people to go away when I'm not up to it :).
     
    #17 BunnyN, Jun 14, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2016
  18. flexilexi394

    flexilexi394 Well-Known Member

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    I am totally with you, I had this as well was horrid. I also want Sofia to be the first to meet her little sibling xxxx
     
  19. russellmuscle

    russellmuscle Well-Known Member

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    I think things do change second time I don't hugely regret anything but if I could do it different at some points I would. At the time with Jackson I didn't mind all the visitors as I was just as excited to show him off as people wanted to see him although we are now 3 years down the line out of all the people that mainly bother with Jackson is my mum she even came for vaccines with us today just to be there. The rest haven't bothered visiting me or whatever so next time I won't be as accommodating of my precious moments when they don't stick around to follow through. Of course that's not the same with anyone else just how it turned out for me.

    Plus I want to get adjusted as a 4 even for a couple days before all the holding and visiting and at least sleep and do what I need. Last time people where coming as I was getting out my bed etc it was just awful lol. And mainly like you say I want the sibling bond and them to have met and settled before inviting anyone else in . I get stressed and snappy in busy situations and I'd hate for those early days to be me being ****y rather than enjoying the time.

    Ive not gave a due date and haven't seen mil since Easter so I imagine that side will know when we tell them.

    xxxxx
     
    #19 russellmuscle, Jun 14, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2016
  20. Nickinakinoo

    Nickinakinoo Well-Known Member

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    I don't want visitors for a few days after, until We're home and settled however I think the chances of that happening are slim to none! My parents are abroad so that won't be a problem but I live in the same street as my in laws so no doubt they will be popping in. I've told hubby but he says he won't turn anyone away if they turn up so I told him that for I was uncomfortable or tired (I suffer with social anxiety) that I'd take the baby upstairs with me.
    I get everyone is excited but none of his family bother with us until now so I feel quite irritated that we're worth visiting now we have a child!
     

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