Depression & anxiety...

[Amy0801]

Hi ladies
I'm new to this section having only found out I am pregnant on Friday and I am sorry if this is long winded but here we go....last year DF and I decided we would like another baby as DD is 6 and we feel that we want her to have a brother or sister should something ever happen to us and seeing her on holiday doing everything by herself was quite upsetting..I came off my pill in June last year and we started trying in September but at the time we was having a kitchen extension so it was quite stressful. At the beginning of December I sadly had a chemical pregnancy which I sort of blame myself for as I was so stressed with the house and my anxiety was really bad..I constantly worry about everything. DD was diagnosed with autism when she was 4 and I feel this now affects me in the sense that I feel like I need to control everything and I can get quite agitated so when I found out I was pregnant on Friday evening I was just in complete shock as I didn't expect it as we only DTD 3 times when other times we DTD more and nothing happened and now I am feeling guilty because I keep thinking that if I forget about it it will go away! It is difficult to explain how I feel and because I don't feel pregnant it just doesn't seem real! I worry about the change it will be for us as a family going from 3 to 4..I worry about my daughter as she has had 6 years of our full attention how will she be once a baby arrives..I worry about my relationship with my partner..He works long shifts and is often tired and shouts at DD without meaning to so how will we cope with a baby. The part which makes me so upset is the thought I keep getting at the back of my mind which is I don't know if I want a baby!!! Why do I feel like this..surely I should be happy and excited

 

[Maaaaaac]

Didnt want to just read and run but its perfectly natural to worry and panic. A baby is a big deal and it will change your whole family dynamic. I wouldn't worry about your daughter though, my sister has autism and theres a few years between her and the youngest. She was practically an only child before this as I was a teen when she was born so my mum had devoted all her time looking after her. Im not going to lie it was tough she didn't cope well with the crying but otherwise had no issues with the actual baby and now they are as close as ever. Having a younger sibling will be excellent for her to learn about playing with other and role playing. Even with the age gap. You need to sit and have a discussion with your partner about what will happen. Down the line work may need to change or just a shake up in family routine to adapt with an extra little one. You are not the first to have these thoughts and certainly not the last. Im sure im not much help but hopefully someone here can give more insight. In the case of my sisters i was there to give an extra hand with my sister with autism so pulling in more family support might be advisable. Thats the best i can help with. Good luck with everything x

 

[Amy0801]

Thank you for your reply
I am still feeling very confused but it has only been 4 days. I just feel so selfish and guilty for even thinking about not wanting this baby. I struggle to talk about my feelings with people..I like my own time and space. DF and I struggle financially each month and don't have any money left when the other person gets paid..DD enjoys her rainbows,horse riding and school dance clubs and I don't what her to stop doing things which help her social issues because we have a new baby to pay for. I know most people will wonder why we didn't think about all this before we started ttc but we honestly did but now I am pregnant it just feels like it's all going to go wrong. When DD was 4 we decided to get a puppy but after 2 days we had to take him back...we couldn't deal with the stress and constantly shouting at DD to leave him alone so we left it another year and then tried again with a 6 month old dog which we went to see a couple of times before we decided to get her but on the 2nd visit I kept getting this awful panicking feeling that it will all go wrong again but I told myself no its fine..They get on really well together but again after nearly 2 weeks we had to take her back..DD had just been diagnosed with autism and it was a very stressful time..I know I can't compare a baby to a dog but I just keep thinking if it all goes wrong I can't take a baby back! DD peaditrian has said that she doesn't have the empathy for a pet yet but what about a brother or sister?? I cry when I feel like a weight would be lifted off my shoulders if I were to have another chemical pregnancy..why am I feeling like that??

 

[Mar_15]

You don't have to make any decisions yet as you're so early on. Try and give yourself a week to get used to the idea. Could you set a date with your OH to discuss it and your feelings in like one week or two weeks time, maybe find a babysitter for the night? That way you have time to process the idea of being pregnant first.

I think it's totally normal when you're in a stressful situation to wish that you weren't stressed, the same way after a rough day at work you might wish you were unemployed - you don't really want to be unemployed, it's just a coping mechanism, daydreaming to skip out of reality for a sec. From what you've written it definitely doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, or like you are a selfish person or that you've got anything to feel guilty about so stop beating yourself up!

 

[Amy0801]

Hiya..just a quick update..
I am still feeling very much the same..confused! I really don't feel pregnant which isn't helping my frame of mind! I have been having some strong cramps which I thought are quite normal but yesterday afternoon I started getting a pain to one side low down..it hurt trying sleep last night and is still there this morning so I have made an appointment with my GP...could this be a sign of eptopic pregnancy? I am seeing the same GP that i saw when I had my chemical pregnancy in December and I told her about my anxiety issues and worries she is really nice and I am hoping she can help me try to understand things a bit more x

 

[fairyprincess]

Hey, definitely see your GP about the pain but try not to worry about it just get it checked out to be on the safe side. You're bound to feel like this with your anxiety and hormones now you're pregnant. I also have anxiety issues and not long after my bfp (which was much wished for) I lost my job and had thoughts such as how would we cope and are we doing the right thing. But I can honestly say everything always works itself out x

 

[sammielou]

I'm 31 weeks pregnant now and I still go through moments of doubt about whether I want this baby or not. Before we conceived we'd been trying for 18 months and it was all I could think about and all I wanted. The reality of it is all is very different though - it is only natural to question it when it stops being a dream and becomes true.

You are VERY early days into this pregnancy. Shock, confusion, anxiety - it is all perfectly normal. It wasn't until I saw my 12 week scan that I actually truly believed there was a baby in there. That feeling faded away within a few days and I was back to this kind of denial phase where I didn't honestly believe that this pregnancy was going to lead to my having an actual baby. Like one day I was going to wake up and discover that I had never been pregnant afterall, it was all a mistake.

It's not so easy to deny now that I'm huge and he's squirming around in there multiple times a day. So we're back to frequent bouts of 'what the hell did I do this for?'. I wanted a baby so badly for two years before I got pregnant. I don't see how/why that should have changed. It's just my stupid brain telling me I don't deserve anything good to happen to me and I'm not fit to be a mother anyway.

I am by no means an authority on autism or sibling rivalry or anything like that. But your DD is going to grow up and live out in the world one day - she isn't always going to have that only child privilege everywhere she goes. I think having a younger sibling will do her the world of good. It will enable you to teach her so many good things about caring, sharing, and a special emotional bond that she wouldn't have otherwise.

 

[Amy0801]

Thank you for your advise ladies. I went to the doctors and was sat waiting for an hour so I felt I had to rush..I told her about the pain and she felt my stomach then checked my cervix and did an internal but she couldn't see or feel anything unusual..I told her I am still in shock as I didn't think we had a chance this cycle but I didn't go into detail about my feelings. She said it is very early days as af was only due yesterday..she gave my the number for my local EPU but she said they might not see me as it too early but try any way..I think I will leave it a couple of days and see how I get on.
When I was sat in the waiting room there was a couple of women with babies sat close to me and when I looked at the babies I didn't feel an overwhelming need to have one of my own...I just looked at them and thought 'oh god that's a lot of work'...DD is 6 and we are starting to get our lives back a bit..do I really want to start again from the beginning?!?! I am glad I am not alone in having these feelings of doubt but it's not something I can just forget about and carry on with my life like normal..when I try and talk to DF about it all he says is "well we need to decide"...easier said than done!

 

[Blueclass]

Hey this is my first but I think no matter how many kids 1st or 2nd ect we will always have these thoughts. I worry about how my relationship will change for example. I would also like to say I work in a additional needs school with lots of our kids having autism. I'm sure your daughter will handle it just give her plenty of notice and get her involved if you can. Change as you know can be upsetting for autistic kids so informing her would be good, maybe when you have your scan. Also alot of parents come in asking how will their child handle this when baby comes? Most of kids have been so gentle with the babies. The noise sometimes gets to much but give her a space she can go to if it gets to much.
It's hard to relax but you should try. See your doctor I'm sure they will reassure you and if need be ask to talk to someone. Join a support group? All the best x

 

[fairyprincess]

Just reminded me with blueclass talking about autism. I don't know if you've spoken to your little girl yet but (as you will already know) just be careful how you word it. I had a boy with autism in my class years ago and his Mum got pregnant and then asked him if he'd like a little brother or sister to which he replied no I wouldn't! He was quite adamant. She then told him she was pregnant a few weeks or months later and all he could say throughout the whole pregnancy and well until she was nearly 1 was but I told her I didn't want a baby! It really bothered him bless him as he just couldn't understand!

There's lots of books/resources out there to support children with autism to deal with a change like this and in my experience the majority of them love it and are very affectionate/caring towards their siblings x

 

[Amy0801]

Hi ladies...
I am feeling quite calm and relaxed today..I think I am slowly getting over the shock. Daughters autism is more social and noises don't seem to bother her as she make enough noise herself!! She has a speech delay so this can effect how she interacts with other children. She has been asking for a brother or sister for about a year so when she finds out about the baby she will be very happy..just this morning she asked for a sister to live in our house! I just wish I didn't suffer with so much anxiety and I could just go with the flow more rather than other think everything!