Depressed

[Cathrine]

Hi moms.
I just think I need a little comfort, as I'm completely alone 27 weeks pregnant with my girl - first pregnancy. I moved to another country for my husband and got pregnant here, so I have no family or friends here. My husband and I have a horrible relationship - we almost divorced in the first trimester, second trimester was ok but it has gotten very bad in the last stretch here. He seems to have little interest in her - saying:" if it'd make you happy, we can put her up for adoption" whenever I feel like everything is just too much to cope with.
I recently quit my job due to super volatile work conditions - so I'm just here at home alone all day. So lonely. Since I don't work we can hardly afford to feed ourselves, so going out is out of the question.
I talked to my doctor, as I was experiencing spouts of suicidal thoughts and was scared - I've never tried anythig while pregnant, but I do have a background of attempts and depression. She suggested medicine, but I've refused to take it out of fear that I'll hurt my baby. I don't have a car, so I can't go to a therapist. I feel so stuck and helpless.

 

[KateK]

Oh my goodness Cathrine.. I remember reading how much you were struggling in tri 1 and i'm so sorry to hear that it hasn't gotten much better That is a truly terrible thing for your husband to say right when you need reassurance most. Pregnancy is a difficult time for the most level-headed among us with all the hormones flying around so no wonder you're struggling living in such unsettled conditions. Don't completely palm off medication - if you are feeling suicidal that is incredibly serious and i'm sure there are medications out there that will be safe for you to use, even if just temporarily.

This is probably overstepping and very black and white so apologies in advance - but do you really want to be with your husband? It seems like you've sacrificed an awful lot to be with him, and if he's not worth it, what's keeping you in America? Have you considered moving back home perhaps until the baby is born? You can't get by with only him for company if he's treating you so awfully, I can't imagine how lonely you must feel. It's difficult to motivate yourself to get out of the pit once you're there I know, but there must be something you can do that's going to make you feel more positively about your future with your baby. It sounds as though you love and care for the wellbeing of your baby very much, you need to make sure you're ok too or both of you are in trouble..

Sending love, you know you've always got this bunch of strangers to chat to whenever you need to! xx

 

[Laura1992]

Hi Cathrine, your situation sounds really difficult. Is there any chance you could move back home? It doesn't sound like there is much going for your out there. Pregnancy is such a hard time, and your feeling very overwhelmed and down is pretty normal at times, even when circumstances are quite good, but in your current situation, you aren't getting the love and understanding that you need in order to get through it. My heart really goes out to you. In your position, I would seriously consider moving back home and getting support from family or the government if family are not around/able to help. xxx

 

[Blueclass]

Oh this is awful. Pregnancy should be such a happy time not horrible. Your hubby does not sound very nice, sorry. There's so many people who can't have babys and his willing to offer her up for adoption just like that.
Where does your family live, could you not stay there? Might make him realise how your feeling. Are your family supportive? X

 

[mummywanabe]

Would you consider moving back home, would there be more support for you?

 

[Lotti]

It sounds really hard if you really want to stay maybe you could join a local charity or something as a volunteer, that way you could meet new people and make some friends over there without having to spend money going out as such. Or maybe your husbands friends have partners you could get to know? I hope you feel better soon and do what is best for you xxx

 

[Cathrine]

Thank you for your nice replies, ladies - it means a lot and definitely makes me feel a lot less lonely. I've tried to contact his parents and hope they wanted to be a part of this, but since both sides are wildly stubborn, there's not much I can do. I really wanted the guidance and support of a family and another mother, but I think we'll need to give up on that.
As my husband has lied to me about finances throughout our entire relationship I've had to go and get a job - 27 weeks, almost 28, and starting a new job. Great. Maybe it'll help to go out a little.
My husband doesn't take initiative to go out with his friends or reconnect with anyone - I think he's also kind of depressed. So I don't know most of his friends at all. I don't even know if they have partners, honestly.
My own country seems like the best option, maybe shortly after birth, but I don't feel comfortable traveling now - a new doctor would never take me with so short time to birth.
It all seems so bleak right now and I don't really know how to move on.

 

[ruby2015]

Hi, it sounds dreadful and I'm so sorry. I feel quite concerned for you dealing with this by yourself with no support. Please try to move home ASAP to be close to family or friends- would be so so much easier now than when the baby is here. You won't have a problem finding a good doctor and you still have plenty of time to get settled and kitted out before your little baby arrives. The last few weeks of pregnancy are quite hard and your hormones / emotions will be all over the place after the birth. My husband and I are very strong and love each other SO much but our baby (9 mo) has put a lot of strain on our relationship- I underestimated how much of a change it would be. I'm lucky to have lots of friends around and family close by but I would really struggle without them.. Please put yourself first now- if you want to move you can still just about to do it if you book quickly... use a credit card for the fare, ask your family for a loan- anything! It sounds like you are very isolated there. Having a baby is the most wonderful thing I've ever done and I'm sure most of the ladies here would say the same- your baby will love you SO much and you will have so many reasons to be happy every day- it's more than worth all the difficult stuff. But you do need support and encouragement, especially in those first few months. I do hope you can come back home, and I hope your husband will realise what he's lost and follow you to make a new life. Or you can return to him once you and your baby are established.
Huge hugs xxxx

 

[KateK]

You do have plenty of time, don't let that put you off! One of the ladies in our Jan Mums thread moved back to her home in Sweden a week before her twins were delivered so it's 100% possible!

 

[Aurora_J]

I agree that moving back would be the best option for you. Its safe for you to fly untill 36 weeks but most airlines do ask for a fit to fly note from your doctors from around 28 weeks.
No doctor would refuse to see you even if you only have a week untill your due date. With my son i moved 2 weeks before my due date and registered with new docs straight away with no problems.

 

[Cathrine]

I'd love to go back home as well, but I cannot financially wing it - all savings are spent on her room already - and I can't really take any of it with me. My younger sister lives at home still, so there's no way my parents can support me and the baby until I can work again. My home country is Denmark - they recently passed a law that forbids people with bachelor degrees to change majors - so I can never redo my education. Which is kind of bad, as my profession has about 2 job openings yearly in the entire country. My family isn't exactly financially stable either. I wish I could go back.

I think I'll just have to try my hardest and see if I have the option to see my therapist more than once every two weeks and possibly starting medication as soon as baby is born.

I don't think My husband will ever change much, I'm afraid. He never bothered to pick out an engagement ring or wedding rings, he rarely comes to appointments and gets irate whenever I mention these things to him. So ... I'll just have to try and make friends at my new job and see if I can stay sane until I can go back.