Considering having 4 year old at birth.. Totally nuts?

[KateK]

Bear with me..

So over Christmas I've had the usual fussing and the hot topic was what I was going to be doing with my 4 (almost 5 year old) when I give birth. Pre-2nd Feb, my Mum will be coming to have her, but after that my Mum is is Africa and I honestly have no plan in place. I have thought about it, a lot, but nothing is ideal and quite frankly is just filling me with dread (grandparents, in laws etc.)

The last couple of days I've been seriously considering asking the midwife if she can come with us. If all stays uncomplicated I'll be in a birthing centre so a little more cosy than a conventional hospital room. Aside from all the logistics, I just think she'd absolutely love it. She is very emotionally intelligent for her age and is completely involved in all aspects of my pregnancy, she loves nothing more than coming to the midwife with me, seeing me have blood taken, seeing the scans etc. She is fascinated by it all.

I suppose my main concern is knowing how she'd cope with seeing me in so much pain, and also not being to focus completely on labour as she is a Mummy's girl and I'm worried my partner wouldn't be able to fully take the reins with looking after her..

Has anyone here done it/anyone else actually considering it?

 

[SophD]

No experience myself, my kids will be staying well away lol. But my sister in law had her 4 year old son at her home birth and they both seemed to love it. She felt really safe having just hubby and her son there and says it helped her to labour better. Each to their own I guess xx

 

[Beckyb1991]

Having worked as a midwife support worker i know that having children there isnt usually allowed unless of course you have a home birth. I dont know your daughter but i dont know many 4 year olds.who wouldnt get distressed at seeing their mummy in so much pain. You also need to take into consideration if you could relax and focus on the task at hand with her there?... also how would your daughter react if there was an emergency situation? Who would look after her if you were rushed off for an emergency c section? And if its your husband/partner would you be ok being alone?
. What if god forbid something happened to the baby or yourself? No matter how mature she is for her age i dont believe any 4 year old could deal with some of the situations that can happen. But obviohsly you know your little girl better than anyone so ultimately its your choice if your midwife gives you the go ahead x

 

[snowbee]

One of my school friends went to her brothers birth. She was 9 and said it was fascinating. I have no experience of 4 year olds so I don't know how they would cope. I've seen a few people on the internet claim to have had their younger children with them and all be ok but all were home births. As an alternative do you have a friend she could go to if you aren't keen on grandparents or inlaws?

 

[KateK]

Thanks all.. Yes I suppose an emergency situation could be very traumatic.. I really don't see how a birthing centre birth is a whole lot different than a home birth though! I'll probably err on the side of caution and have someone look after her.. No friends unfortunately as we're in a new area and any people I've met I don't feel comfortable leaving her with for a sustained period to be honest.. All 'proper' friends are in London and couldn't really drop everything.. Oh it's so stressful.. What on earth do people do who've moved here from other countries with no family/friends?!

 

[MrsS15]

Hi hun,

I have to agree I wouldn't have a 4 year old there purely because labour is so unpredictable. If something happened and your daughter had to leave then you'd be in an even worse situation. Having previously worked in maternal care I know it's not something that would ever have been agreed to - although I know areas vary massively!

When I was younger my mum started childminding a little boy who's parents were from Ireland (I'm in Scotland) and she was pregnant again. She asked if I would be on stand by to watch their little boy when she went into labour. It worked lovely, they phoned me at 5pm to say she was going into hospital and I went straight there. Stayed overnight with their little boy and when we got up in the morning baby was here and they were getting discharged that day. Is that something you could look into? Ask around if anyone is recommended? Have her babysit a few times to get to know her. It could end up being a matter of hours you need her!

Alternatively you could do what my sister done and have a 40 minute start to finish labour and give birth on the living room floor while the other 2 kids slept... that was an experience x

 

[JD.Deedee]

I was present when my sister was born when I was just about 3 months of from being 7. My mom ended up transferring to hospital because of a rupture in the cervix and had an over night stay honestly it was more traumatic for her dad than me! My nan was on stand by despite her not living close by and us living in a close village so if you can have someone who can be on stand by in case you give birth at silly o clock in the morning or you'd end up having to transfer I don't see why not. It's probably a good question to ask the ladies on Facebook on the home birthing groups as quite many plan to hav

 

[JD.Deedee]

To have their kids either present or in the house whilst in labour x

 

[MrsT2011]

I had a home birth and as everything happened very quick my nearly 4 year old son was there until someone could have him (just downstairs) he came up about an hour after I'd had her for cuddles but I'm glad he wasn't there as I had a small haemorrhage after which traumatised my mum and husband so there's no way my 4 year old would of coped lol.
Most things don't phase my son and I was quite keen for him to be there but I don't think he was emotionally ready to see everything that goes with birth.

 

[ams25]

My son is 4... He would have been terrified at his brother's birth! I was screeching and swearing like a trooper, i think he would have had nightmares lol. I was really calm and controlled at his birth but his brothers was a lot more intense with the pain, so I might thought it would be okay after the first birth but the second was a lot different. It's so unpredictable. I really really wouldn't take a child of 4 but I do sympathise with your predicament. I suppose hospitals must have to have some provision for looking after children of single parents who literally have nobody else to Have their older children but if you can find someone then that would be better. I also suppose on the other hand people always used to give birth at home in the olden days with their other kids therexx

 

[BunnyN]

DD was at her brother's home birth when she was 20 months and it wad a good experience. My parents live close and were on standby if we needed them but she ended up staying and it was lovely. It didn't bother me having her there, infact it was a nice distraction. My labour was long so it did mean OH had to spend quite a bit of time looking after her and leaving me to do my own thing. My parents came and took her out for a walk too. Then she came home for her afternoon nap and stayed for the rest. She wasn't at all scared of me making noises etc. We made a game out of her helping me breath etc. She was mildly freaked out by all the slime and blood and meconium. And was worried about the baby being sticky, lol but soon got over it. She wasn't at all scared by the blood etc, just a bit icked out. We have the most wonderful picture of her holding her brother just after he was born as soon as he was cleaned up and had his clothes on. Her face is shear delight.

This time she was 3.5 but we decided having them both there was a bit much so once labour got going they went to my parents for the night. Labour was pretty intense and fast and I was more vocal and didn'tget much break between contractions so I was pleased they weren't there this time.

A 4 year old is a little different than a 2 year old, it could be more scary. I think it could work fine though. You would probably want to prepare by watching birth videos together and practicing labour noises etc. I do think it's a bit doubtful they will agree to have her at the birth center but it's worth asking. I think the biggest concern would be in an emergency or if it just got too much for her your OH would have to take her out which would leave you on your own and could mean him missing the birth. You would also want to pack a bag of snacks and bits to entertain her because labour can get long and boaring.

 

[KateK]

Thank you all for your stories and opinions - I think I have been sufficiently convinced that it was a terrible idea I think above everything just having to care for her during my labour might be a stretch for me - she is a wonderful little girl but can be exceptionally demanding!! Back to the drawing board I think x

 

[lisey]

If you don't have family or friends near by that could help then maybe you could ask at her school? When I worked at a playgroup, parents often asked staff for help and some when they were having their babys as no family around. Just thought might be worth mentioning xx