Cesarean Births - Guilt? Upset? Hurt? Failure? Disappointment?

Discussion in 'Postnatal Questions' started by LYLLJellyTots, Jul 4, 2013.

  1. LYLLJellyTots

    LYLLJellyTots Well-Known Member

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    Hey everyone

    Sorry I've not been around much since I have had jellytot, things have been a bit hectic and since she came out of neonatal / scbu she has been poorly with a milk allergy and we're just about coming out the other side of that now.

    I am so very thankful that my princess is okay, especially after everything she went through but I am struggling at the minute to let go of my disappointment of how her birth went. In fact, I haven't written my birth story for her yet because of this. I don't know if I'm ready to look back at it all yet as I think I would just cry :(

    Jellytots discharge sheet sums it up nicely. Failed vbac after 64 hours in labour, resulting in a cesarean. I had to be put to sleep because my epidural failed and I could feel them cutting me open. I missed my daughter coming into the world and not only that, I ended up in high dependency and missed a lot of her first 12 hours completely :( first feed, first nappy change, first hold, first kiss, first cuddle, first cry! The list is endless :(

    I came across this article below and i needed to share it with you. It says everything that I can't find the words for. I'm not meaning this post to be a 'woe is me' self pity thread. I'm posting it because it has really affected me these last 7 weeks. I was disappointed about not having a natural delivery with my son but it didn't hit me half as much as this time has. I'm not depressed, I'm not struggling with anything else... I just need to process this I guess over time.

    http://birthingbeautifulideas.com/?p=142


    I know I am not the only person who has / will ever feel like this and I just wanted to say to anyone else in this boat that you are not alone x if anyone else feels like this and would like someone to talk to please feel free to PM me x I will look back at my labour thread soon and work on processing this bit by bit. X I know it is going to be a long journey for me because of just how much it hurts in my heart and I know some people will never understand that, some people will think its very selfish to feel like this when I have a happy healthy baby and I guess that's why I haven't spoken about it until now. I don't want to upset other people by the way I feel and I apologise if this post does upset anyone x
     
  2. Hope81

    Hope81 Well-Known Member

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    :hug: sorry you had to go through this :(
    You created a perfect little girl and how she came in this world it's just a tiny part of this whole miracle. You did your very best and down the line 20 years later hopefully all those bad memories or the lack of memories like the first cry etc will be replaced with first smile, first giggle, first word, first day in school etc...

    I had a horrible horrible birth. At 7 weeks I was still an emotional hormonal mess. It gets better much better. Now I don't think about it anymore but back then I couldn't talk about it without sobbing.

    Sorry I can't be very helpful as though I had a horrible birth we were both just fine immediately after and we never for apart.
    I didn't want to read and run :hug:
     
  3. babyslog

    babyslog Well-Known Member

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    :hugs: :( xxxxxxxxxx
     
  4. Chezza

    Chezza Well-Known Member

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    Bless you JellyTots xx

    My little one arrived via an emergency c section too, after a failed VB and far too many attempts with a ventouse...it was quite a distressing time for me, hubby and baby...he wasnt breathing when he came out and hubby told me that when he eventually was allowed a cuddle with him, he was just screaming his head off :-( I felt so guilty that I want there to comfort him. I missed the first 60 mins of his life and whilst that doesnt compare to your experience at all, I know how you feel, because I missed his first feed / cuddle / kiss etc too.

    I also had the "wear and tear" of both a VB and a c sect - and it was really tough being in so much pain, hardly able to move - but still expected to look after a newborn pretty much on my own for the first few days, as we were kept in to be monitored.

    It took me a few days (and alot of tears!) to write my birth story, but I'm glad I did because I felt so much better afterwards - like a weight had been lifted almost...if you get the time soon, I would highly recommend you do the same, it really is good therapy.

    Always here, if you want to talk xxx :hugs:
     
  5. Ella1979

    Ella1979 Well-Known Member

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    It's just awful when things don't go how you expect them to. I had an emergency c-section after a failed induction for pre-eclampsia. I did get to see my daughter but only in that she whizzed past my head and into the hands of SCBU nurses. I didn't hold her for 3 days because I was too ill. She was just fine, apart from being really tiny, thank god. I was in hospital 8 days and my daughter for just over 3 weeks.

    All the emotions from a birth like we've experienced take a while to deal with. Even now (16 months on) if I recount the story to anyone I end up tearful, but it's not as bad as it was to start with - it does get easier in time xx
     
  6. brand new

    brand new Well-Known Member

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    God I cried reading ur post. I couldve written this regarding feelings! I feel exactly the same babe. I feel robbed of the birth of my son. I didn't get to see jack until he was 26hours old. This was bcos i had high bp and had to have magnesium sulphate drip fed for 22 hrs. And then I could only hold him for 20 mins as he was neonatal and had to go back into his incubator. It was an horrendous time for me. I didn't get to change A nappy till he was over 50 hours old and I feel like I missed out on so much bcos I never had skin to skin contact with him whilst he was in neonatal, which was 3 weeks. And as hard for this is for me I didn't really start to bond with jack till I got him home . But then I started thinking of what I had missed. I never fed him till he was 3 days old. And the list goes on. So u totally understand where u r coming from and the article is a perfect summary of how we feel so ty for that. I'm here for u xxx
     
  7. cosmicgirl

    cosmicgirl Well-Known Member

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    I still am not emotionally dealing with my horrendous twin birth and they have just turned 5!
    Sorry you are feeling this way xx
     
  8. Constantstar

    Constantstar Well-Known Member

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    I totally get this. I went through almost 48 hours and had gas, air, pethedine, epi, failed vontuse, failed forceps and then emergency section. Owen csme out not breathing too which was so scary. I didnt even get to hold him. They showed me and whisked hin of to scbu. I feel sad I didnt bond with him asap and didnt see him till i was wheeled down next day. Also had an internal tear too. Was hard very very hard. i too missed first feed, nappy change etc and makes me sad xx

    mummy to ds 11/7/11
    pregnant *team pink* due 12/9/13
     
  9. tiaflame

    tiaflame Well-Known Member

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    I understand this too. I had only 12 hours of labour and couldn't progress past 9.5cm, but baby wouldn't come, I pushed for over an hour and my cervix was swelling not allowing his head through. I had to have an emergency section and I felt I'd failed for a long time. I didn't feel like his mummy for about 12 weeks, didn't feel like he was mine although I loved him,I felt I had let everyone down. Xxx
     
  10. JJ Mum

    JJ Mum Well-Known Member

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    Oh hun i totally understand and feel for you and ive never had labour do actually think it must be worse to get sooo many hours into your vbac only for it to go back to section, you gave it the best chance hun, you coukd not have done anymore, totally admire you for this.

    Thankyou for posting that articale, i cried during first paragraph! ( hormonal preg mess at mo) and also when they used the dreaded word " broken" .

    I have had 4 sections, a section style tube op in nov for this baby and last one coming up in nov. I will always feel robbed of labour but have finally got some peace and balance in my head that , that was how my babies were supposed to come into the world, i had no choice, and i should and am now proud of how ive coped with all these ops, youve had major surgery to get your baby into this world and looked after them while recovering, thats quite a feet itself and i like to think sonething your child will be proud off one day when they have kids and understand what you must have gone through to give them safe passage .

    By never giving up on breastfeeding and finally achieving it 4 th time roubd was the turning point for me, i felt like i did something naturaly, the way its meant to be , and fed exclusively for 12 mths, something im super proud off and unfortunately not many mums get to do this so i feel far less guilty now. My body managed something myself.

    Lots of ladies who have to give up breastfeeding attempts for whatever reason do experiance very simular feelings of guilt to us with sections, very much failure related as a mum, so would strongly encourage any section mum to really go for it as it healed a big hole with me, i really hope to manage the same this time round, 2 out of 4 babies have been in scbu and didnt help with bonding and feeding atall. I have a lovely pair of polaroid photos from my first baby, i got no cuddle till a 3 min one on day three and so lay there after my cold heartless section birth without my baby staring at a picture and again after my cuddle at the cuddle photo where i was crying like a baby! , i really treasure these photos now. Leaving hosp without a child is also heartbreaking and effects the bonding bigtime, i only did it for two weeks, you will get that back

    Take all the good points of what you have done and run with them, your amazing, your babies wi be proud xx
     
    #10 JJ Mum, Jul 7, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2013
  11. littlemonkey

    littlemonkey Well-Known Member

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    I've only just found this post, but I really felt so much of this about my c-section for a long time.

    Time has been a huge healer for me, as has talking to people about how I'm feeling. For a long time I didn't even tell my parents about how bad the labour had been. My son's heart rate dropped and I literally had a midwife preparing me for surgery while the doctor did an external exam to check my son's blood oxygen levels. I hadn't told people all of this for a long time.

    Another thing I found really upsetting was so many people were excited about my son and no one apart from my family asked about how I was feeling. Everyone just kind of expected me to be happy and getting on with things two weeks later. They never really quite got how physically hard it was for me - I didn't feel physically back to myself until about 12 weeks. Even now at 20 weeks, I still don't feel like everything is quite back in the same place!

    I felt really angry for a long time, like a doctor or midwife must have known this was going to happen and could have warned me or done something to prevent it. But now I've just accepted this is what happened and I know next time to avoid all the palava, I will opt for an elected section. At least now I know what to expect and to ask people for their help and support.
     
  12. Becky1

    Becky1 Well-Known Member

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    I had a c section and whilst part of me is gutted I didn't have a vaginal birth the other part of me is grateful my LO arrived safely. His heart rate dropped from 150bpm to 50bpm and didn't go up. As I was only 7cm there was no option other than c section.

    What has upset me is a friend acting like I'm better off than her as she had a vaginal birth and had to have stitches!! I would swap in a second!
     

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