Can you help our member 'scared' please?

Discussion in 'First Trimester' started by LauraB, Feb 21, 2005.

  1. LauraB

    LauraB Well-Known Member

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    Hi ladies ...

    A lady contacted me by PM (private message) a few days ago - her username is 'scared'. We have corresponded a little, and I encouraged her to post her question on the board in order to gain more balanced advice (ie, not just from myself), and offered to copy our correspondence on here for her. She agreed, and so if you can offer advice to 'scared' about her situation, please click 'reply' below, and I'll also let her know that the topic is now live so that she may join in.

    Many thanks,
    Laura

     
  2. alicia

    alicia Active Member

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    wow... what a strong woman you are! I'm taking that the family wouldn't understand the IVF? It's going to get tough to explain the different dates to the family and friends, especially when the child gets older and has birthday's. wow! I really don't know what to say.. just wanted to reach out and give you a cyber hug (((((HUGZ)))))
     
  3. Strangeness

    Strangeness Well-Known Member

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    Wow, what a difficult situation you are in. The only honest answer I can give you would be to tell the truth, I think you have done a beautiful thing by being strong and going through with this and no you will have a part of your husband with you! I think you're very brave and feel you could do this greatly. I think if you tell the truth you will feel relieved and hopefully won't worry so much. You don't need the stress at this point or any point for that matter. At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you and the baby, you are the important people now, no one else! I hope you do what you feel is right in your heart and it all works out. My heart goes out to you! :)
     
  4. Strangeness

    Strangeness Well-Known Member

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  5. Cernskaz

    Cernskaz Member

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    hi and to begin with please let me send you ((((((((hugs)))))))).

    I cannot say I understand completly what you are going through because I myself have not been there. But i can offer my support and advice if i can. Firstly, lying on a birth certificate is illegal and you can be prosicuted for it, please don't do that, for your baby's sake and your own. Explain to them that you had IVF at the time your husband died, and if you can show them a letter proving that, plus your marriage certificate and your husbands death certificate, hopefully that should be enough for the registry office.
    As for your family?....Do they know you where trying for IVF?, what I mean is where you and your husband trying IVF before he died? if so just tell them that you did as he would have wanted and carried on the treatment. That could explain the time differences with the least amount of stress to you and your family.
    If you where not trying IVF before his tragic death, then i would honestly tell them the truth, I couldn't keep up the lies for years on end. Try explaining it to them that both your husband and yourself desperatly wanted this baby and you continued to honor him and complete his wishes. Hopefully they would understand this. If and I hope it doesn't happen, they don't understand then step back from them for a while and concentrate on you and your baby.
    This way it's out in the open and you are reducing the stress on yourself and your child. Which is the most important thing right now. You need to grieve and try to move forward to create a life for your baby, and to do that you don't need this stress and heartache.
    It's a difficult situation I know and I'm sorry I can't be of more help. Please come to the board and make friends, gain the support you need and the advice about this and probably all the other lil things likley to come up during your pregnancy.
    my heart goes out to you, hugsss again
    kaz
     
  6. momof2_trynfor3

    momof2_trynfor3 Well-Known Member

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    Wow.. i cannot even imagine the stress that you are going threw, and dont need to be going threw, mainly for your babys sake..
    As other's have said the truth is the best thing, as the saying is "the truth shall set you free", and to me it dont sound like your keeping anything, or lieing, it sounds like you dont want to dissapoint anyone.
    Your baby needs you most right now, and to be stressed, and worrying all the time is not a good thing, and indeed lyeing on a birth certifacate is illlegal.
    If your family loves you, then they will accept it, and honor and love you even more for being open with them..
    Theres not much i can say to/for you about trying to hide anything, but be honest with yourself, do you really want to have to tell all these lies, to me thats stressfull to have to remember everything i tell people, one would thin you would get caught up in it. And do you really want to start your new babys life out in a lie..
    So see look at it in those different perspectives, but the final choice is up to you my dear, and i believe that you will find it in your heart to truly do whats best for you and your baby, even if it hurts people at that time.
    Your baby and you come first right now, and it seems your are very much still greeveing over the loss of your husband, you dont need any more stress..
    My mother once told me "what tangled web we weave when one decieve's" think about all your options, and what you think is easy, even if its a lie, now ask your self which one is actually the "BETTER", and thats what i would do..
    As far as lieing or fibbing as one might call it i would not see how you can say the baby would be born early or later, unless you went out of town for a long time, and came back and never showed any one the birth certifakit, but then as your child gets older, he/she might need the birth certifakit for something, and your child might be with a relative that you have previously lied to, would you really want to re-hash all that from your past..
    Well good luck , and i wish you and your baby the best, god bless, be safe and be careful in what you choose..
     
  7. LisaJ

    LisaJ New Member

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    Hi there,
    this must be a terrible time for you! my thoughts are with you.
    If i were you i would tell the family what you have done and explain that your husband wanted children and you are carring on his dream, he may unfortunatly not be here, but this wil still be his child, the family should support you and if they don't at least you will be happy! Just remember that this is your baby aswell and you will still give it the best you can.
    I hope every thing goes well and remember you and the baby are the most important people now!
    Good luck and my thoughts are with you.
    Lisa
    xxxxxx
     
  8. scared

    scared New Member

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    thanks for your empathy. i have to tell the four of them next week, because i will then be 30 weeks [actually i am only 20 weeks] and i am so concerned about their reaction, and if they will choose to be a part of the baby's life. they are all grown adults, some with children of their own, so this will not be easy for them, and i am afraid they may even doubt me because i am older, and their father was much older than me.

    i know i can not control what others think, andi know my first obligation is to the baby, but it is still so hard. and i worry whether they willever find out that i am not twlling the whole truth.

    thanks again for reaching out
     
  9. dacocado

    dacocado Active Member

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    My prayers are with you ... many blessings to you and your baby!
     
  10. Becky

    Becky Well-Known Member

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    Despite what your families initial reaction will be I am sure that they will get used to the idea and love both you and the baby just as much.

    THat's the point of families. I have had dissagreements (bad ones) with my in-laws but in time we have all put it aside and are on the road to having a good relationship with each other.

    Love is unconditional and once they come to terms with things I'm sure they will love and support you and the baby.
     
  11. scared

    scared New Member

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    thanks again for the responses. the problem is that we are talking about my husband's children [and their wives] who define family solely as blood. i still haven't told them that i am pregnant, because i have to lie and i hate that i have to. if i don't they will never accept this child. hopefully, since this will then be their father's child, they may choose to be in the baby's life.
    i just want to honor my husband and this baby.
     
  12. xmasangls

    xmasangls Well-Known Member

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    Is there the possibilty that if you need to lie to the family that you could just tell them that you and your husband had been having trouble conceiving, and that you were in the process of IVF when he passed away and that the embyo's were from ones previously frozen, from other attempts, and you decided that as this was something you had wanted together you thought it would be in honour of his memory to continue,

    maybe this would be the safer course of action, as you wouldnt be able to lie about such a large difference in ages, if it was only a week or two you could but ten is too extreme, as a child more than 4 wks prem needs to spend a long time in hospital, before they are strong enough to survive in the outside world,

    I hope maybe I have been of some help,
     
  13. Rosebay

    Rosebay Well-Known Member

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    Dear Scared,

    you're a very brave lady and your baby is very lucky indeed to have you as a mother. Am I right in thinking that the main difficulty you have in telling your husband's children the truth is that he isn't the baby's biological father? To those of us outside the situation it's clear that you and your husband really wanted a baby together and that he really wanted you to be a mother but I can see how his previous children might find this whole situation difficult at first- especially as even though they are adults too they will find it hard to put themselves in your place because their father is involved. ( A bit of us stays child when it comes to parents I think). However, as difficult as this maybe for them now if they are caring, understanding adults surely they will come to understand in time even if they take time that this was a shared wish that the two of you had together and that their Father wanted this for you. You could say that you had discussed it at length which I'm sure you did although not thinking for a second that he would be tragically lost. The trouble is that as others have said if you start lying now it will get more difficult in the future. Is it possible for you to get some counselling over this issue and then if you decide to tell them the truth perhaps you could have someone at hand for you and them- a family counselor perhaps?

    I wish we could all help you more...
    +++
     
  14. ukwahine

    ukwahine Active Member

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    Hi..I don't have any particular advice, other than to reiterate what the others have already said..Lying can only cause more heartache in the long run..IMHO the best course of action would be to tell them that you both had been pursuing IVF, and that you continued as per his wishes. Of course, even if this isn't the exact truth, it's a better lie than the alternatives, again, only IMHO. I really did come over all emotional, and tearful when reading your posts, and hope that you can work this out in the best way for you and your baby. If you beleive in angels, ask them for help..all you need to do is ask..and they will be there to support you. Maybe also think about getting counseling as well as some form of healing, reiki is wonderful, and could help you to come up with some answers that are already within you, you maybe just need some help to acknowledge them. Anyway, good luck, and please remember that you are a strong confident woman, who can successfully take on any and every challenge that life presents.
    Love and Light,
    ukwahine
     
  15. scared

    scared New Member

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    thank you again for all the good thoughts and support. i still haven't told the kids yet but i have to soon, as it is now 30 weeks [20 weeks] the major problem is that they and their spouses believe only in relationships that are blood. they will surely reject the baby. of course, they may reject the baby anyways. but i so want to honor my husband and honor my baby by letting her know her father as she grows up.

    thanks again for being such caring people.

    scared
     
  16. sasha715

    sasha715 Well-Known Member

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    hi, i really dont know wat your going though but if i was a friend or your family i would be sooooooo proud of you for the strength youve shown and also ashamed of myself that you are putting yourself throu so much stress to make them happy. any child no matter how old is always drawn to their siblings and even if they dont agree with what you did at first once the baby is born they will have that sibling bond and all will be forgotten. (im sure your more worried about the children rather than the mothers) have you spoken to your midwife about your dilema? big hugz xxx sasha xxx
     

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