Can you help our member 'scared' please?

[LauraB]

Hi ladies ...

A lady contacted me by PM (private message) a few days ago - her username is 'scared'. We have corresponded a little, and I encouraged her to post her question on the board in order to gain more balanced advice (ie, not just from myself), and offered to copy our correspondence on here for her. She agreed, and so if you can offer advice to 'scared' about her situation, please click 'reply' below, and I'll also let her know that the topic is now live so that she may join in.

Many thanks,
Laura

Dear LauraB,

I have never been on a discussion board before. it appeared that you welcomed a private message, so i hope i am not imposing on you. i am dealing with a dilemna that i currently have no answers to.

i am pregant. my husband and i had been planning to get pregnant, and sadly and unbelievably, he died. i am grief stricken. and i feel so sad for him that he will not be here to live and enjoy our baby.

since i was not yet pregnant when he died, i went thru the ivf procedure.
i did this to honor him. when i go to tell people we know, however, i would have to lie and say i was 9 more weeks pregnant than i actually am. i have grown step children, and i want them if they so choose to be a part of their father's child's life.

with people i have met after my beloved husband died. i can tell them he died later than he actually did. but with the family, obviously i cannot do that. i am the most honest person in the world, but i am determined that this child will have my husband as her father, and she will learn what a wonderful father he is.

you probably do not have any answers for me, but i am writing this in the librar, where i am using their computer, and i am crying because i am so desparately looking for answers. if i am imposing on you, i do apologize.

thank you so much for taking the time and energy to read this and hopefully to respond. i do appreciate it, more than you will ever know.

Hi there,

Please do not think you are imposing, you are not, and I thank you for contacting me. I am truly sorry to hear about the loss of your husband, and the difficult thoughts that you are now trying to resolve.

I am sure you will know that the most important thing now is that you remain strong for your unborn baby. Although, in all honesty, it does sound like you are being strong already, in that you have already decided what you will tell people, both those who know you and those who don't. Presumably you will tell the family that you delivered early? If you are firm in that decision, then you are already on the road to concentrating on the most important aspect, giving love, support and happiness to your new child.

I would strongly encourage you to post on the board, as there are lots of lovely ladies there who will be able to offer you more advice and encouragement. As you will know, the board is totally anonymous and the only information you need to give is your username - you do not have to say where you live, or anything else.

I wish you every happiness for the future with your baby, I am sure your concerns about what to tell people will ease even more, once s/he is in your arms. But please do consider posting on the board as well, and I'm sure you'll find a very warm welcome there.

Best wishes,
LauraB

Dear LauraB,

What a thoughtful and considerate person you are to have responded to me in the way you did. I have had absolutely no one at all to talk to about this, so I was so deeply touched that you would take the time and energy to answer me.

Laura, unfortunately, I do not have any answers at all. There exists a full 10 week gap. So when I go to tell my husband's children, I will have to say I am 22 weeks pregnant, instead of being truthfully 12 weeks pregnant. Also, the baby obviously can not be born 10 weeks early!!!

Thus, the baby will have two birthdates, the one I make up to coincide with the earlier date and the one that is actual. How would this work for the baby if she was to have two birthdates? I could make her birthdate early, but i think throughout life one need a birthdate for records [unless I could lie on the birth certificate, which I don't think I would be able to do]. Do you know anything about birth certificates?? Will I have any trouble putting my husband as the father even though the dates won't make sense?? I want the kids to accept their father's child. [of course, i guess you realize that I had to go to a sperm bank, so if they ever insisted on a dna... ]

I am so stressed about this, and I know that I must find a way to limit my stress. I am older, so it is doubly important. The baby's well being is the most important thing of all, and I do know that!!! This is so very important to me, and yet I am inherently so honest. I know I have to lie, but if i have to go against what I believe [in order to honor my husband], i want to AT LEAST do it in a way that WORKS!!! So, by any change, do you have any creative ideas at all for my dilemna????

Laura, how is it that you are at this cite? Are you also pregnant? Thank you again for assuring me that I am not imposing. If I ever am, please do let me know. thank you so much for being there for me.

me
[alias scared]

Hi again,

Thanks for getting in touch again. As mentioned previously, I think it would be a very good idea for you to post this on the forum, because then you will receive help and advice from a number of ladies, and not just one. Please be assured that it is not because I don't want to answer - I very much want to help, and with that in mind I think you will gain much more benefit from receiving a variety of replies, and not just one.

Would you like me to create the topic for you? I can copy and paste the correspondence that we have had, and then ask ladies to continue from there. You can also join in from that point if you would like to, under your anonymous alias of 'scared' - nobody will know who you are.

I want you to get help on here, and I believe that would be the best way to go for you.

Regarding myself, I started the site because I do have a personal interest in pregnancy, though I am not (as yet!) pregnant myself.

Please do bear in mind what I have suggested, you need all the help you can get and if you cannot talk to anybody in real life about it, then this could just be the way to go. I hope you agree.

Best wishes,
Laura

dear laura.

thanks for your response. and yes, i will take you up on your generous offer to create the post, especially since i was not able to keep a copy of my previous 2 e-mails [even though i very much wanted to].

your point is well taken...maybe i will be able to get more than one answer! but laura, you adroitly managed not to provide that "one" answer. i'd love to hear your HONEST thoughts on what i have spelled out to you!!!

thank you for your sensitivity and consideration. you are terrific!

scared

 

[alicia]

wow... what a strong woman you are! I'm taking that the family wouldn't understand the IVF? It's going to get tough to explain the different dates to the family and friends, especially when the child gets older and has birthday's. wow! I really don't know what to say.. just wanted to reach out and give you a cyber hug (((((HUGZ)))))

 

[Strangeness]

Wow, what a difficult situation you are in. The only honest answer I can give you would be to tell the truth, I think you have done a beautiful thing by being strong and going through with this and no you will have a part of your husband with you! I think you're very brave and feel you could do this greatly. I think if you tell the truth you will feel relieved and hopefully won't worry so much. You don't need the stress at this point or any point for that matter. At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you and the baby, you are the important people now, no one else! I hope you do what you feel is right in your heart and it all works out. My heart goes out to you!

 

[Strangeness]

Ermmm

 

[Cernskaz]

hi and to begin with please let me send you ((((((((hugs)))))))).

I cannot say I understand completly what you are going through because I myself have not been there. But i can offer my support and advice if i can. Firstly, lying on a birth certificate is illegal and you can be prosicuted for it, please don't do that, for your baby's sake and your own. Explain to them that you had IVF at the time your husband died, and if you can show them a letter proving that, plus your marriage certificate and your husbands death certificate, hopefully that should be enough for the registry office.
As for your family?....Do they know you where trying for IVF?, what I mean is where you and your husband trying IVF before he died? if so just tell them that you did as he would have wanted and carried on the treatment. That could explain the time differences with the least amount of stress to you and your family.
If you where not trying IVF before his tragic death, then i would honestly tell them the truth, I couldn't keep up the lies for years on end. Try explaining it to them that both your husband and yourself desperatly wanted this baby and you continued to honor him and complete his wishes. Hopefully they would understand this. If and I hope it doesn't happen, they don't understand then step back from them for a while and concentrate on you and your baby.
This way it's out in the open and you are reducing the stress on yourself and your child. Which is the most important thing right now. You need to grieve and try to move forward to create a life for your baby, and to do that you don't need this stress and heartache.
It's a difficult situation I know and I'm sorry I can't be of more help. Please come to the board and make friends, gain the support you need and the advice about this and probably all the other lil things likley to come up during your pregnancy.
my heart goes out to you, hugsss again
kaz

 

[momof2_trynfor3]

Wow.. i cannot even imagine the stress that you are going threw, and dont need to be going threw, mainly for your babys sake..
As other's have said the truth is the best thing, as the saying is "the truth shall set you free", and to me it dont sound like your keeping anything, or lieing, it sounds like you dont want to dissapoint anyone.
Your baby needs you most right now, and to be stressed, and worrying all the time is not a good thing, and indeed lyeing on a birth certifacate is illlegal.
If your family loves you, then they will accept it, and honor and love you even more for being open with them..
Theres not much i can say to/for you about trying to hide anything, but be honest with yourself, do you really want to have to tell all these lies, to me thats stressfull to have to remember everything i tell people, one would thin you would get caught up in it. And do you really want to start your new babys life out in a lie..
So see look at it in those different perspectives, but the final choice is up to you my dear, and i believe that you will find it in your heart to truly do whats best for you and your baby, even if it hurts people at that time.
Your baby and you come first right now, and it seems your are very much still greeveing over the loss of your husband, you dont need any more stress..
My mother once told me "what tangled web we weave when one decieve's" think about all your options, and what you think is easy, even if its a lie, now ask your self which one is actually the "BETTER", and thats what i would do..
As far as lieing or fibbing as one might call it i would not see how you can say the baby would be born early or later, unless you went out of town for a long time, and came back and never showed any one the birth certifakit, but then as your child gets older, he/she might need the birth certifakit for something, and your child might be with a relative that you have previously lied to, would you really want to re-hash all that from your past..
Well good luck , and i wish you and your baby the best, god bless, be safe and be careful in what you choose..

 

[LisaJ]

Hi there,
this must be a terrible time for you! my thoughts are with you.
If i were you i would tell the family what you have done and explain that your husband wanted children and you are carring on his dream, he may unfortunatly not be here, but this wil still be his child, the family should support you and if they don't at least you will be happy! Just remember that this is your baby aswell and you will still give it the best you can.
I hope every thing goes well and remember you and the baby are the most important people now!
Good luck and my thoughts are with you.
Lisa
xxxxxx

 

[scared]

thanks for your empathy. i have to tell the four of them next week, because i will then be 30 weeks [actually i am only 20 weeks] and i am so concerned about their reaction, and if they will choose to be a part of the baby's life. they are all grown adults, some with children of their own, so this will not be easy for them, and i am afraid they may even doubt me because i am older, and their father was much older than me.

i know i can not control what others think, andi know my first obligation is to the baby, but it is still so hard. and i worry whether they willever find out that i am not twlling the whole truth.

thanks again for reaching out

 

[dacocado]

My prayers are with you ... many blessings to you and your baby!

 

[Becky]

Despite what your families initial reaction will be I am sure that they will get used to the idea and love both you and the baby just as much.

THat's the point of families. I have had dissagreements (bad ones) with my in-laws but in time we have all put it aside and are on the road to having a good relationship with each other.

Love is unconditional and once they come to terms with things I'm sure they will love and support you and the baby.

 

[scared]

thanks again for the responses. the problem is that we are talking about my husband's children [and their wives] who define family solely as blood. i still haven't told them that i am pregnant, because i have to lie and i hate that i have to. if i don't they will never accept this child. hopefully, since this will then be their father's child, they may choose to be in the baby's life.
i just want to honor my husband and this baby.

 

[xmasangls]

Is there the possibilty that if you need to lie to the family that you could just tell them that you and your husband had been having trouble conceiving, and that you were in the process of IVF when he passed away and that the embyo's were from ones previously frozen, from other attempts, and you decided that as this was something you had wanted together you thought it would be in honour of his memory to continue,

maybe this would be the safer course of action, as you wouldnt be able to lie about such a large difference in ages, if it was only a week or two you could but ten is too extreme, as a child more than 4 wks prem needs to spend a long time in hospital, before they are strong enough to survive in the outside world,

I hope maybe I have been of some help,

 

[Rosebay]

Dear Scared,

you're a very brave lady and your baby is very lucky indeed to have you as a mother. Am I right in thinking that the main difficulty you have in telling your husband's children the truth is that he isn't the baby's biological father? To those of us outside the situation it's clear that you and your husband really wanted a baby together and that he really wanted you to be a mother but I can see how his previous children might find this whole situation difficult at first- especially as even though they are adults too they will find it hard to put themselves in your place because their father is involved. ( A bit of us stays child when it comes to parents I think). However, as difficult as this maybe for them now if they are caring, understanding adults surely they will come to understand in time even if they take time that this was a shared wish that the two of you had together and that their Father wanted this for you. You could say that you had discussed it at length which I'm sure you did although not thinking for a second that he would be tragically lost. The trouble is that as others have said if you start lying now it will get more difficult in the future. Is it possible for you to get some counselling over this issue and then if you decide to tell them the truth perhaps you could have someone at hand for you and them- a family counselor perhaps?

I wish we could all help you more...
+++

 

[ukwahine]

Hi..I don't have any particular advice, other than to reiterate what the others have already said..Lying can only cause more heartache in the long run..IMHO the best course of action would be to tell them that you both had been pursuing IVF, and that you continued as per his wishes. Of course, even if this isn't the exact truth, it's a better lie than the alternatives, again, only IMHO. I really did come over all emotional, and tearful when reading your posts, and hope that you can work this out in the best way for you and your baby. If you beleive in angels, ask them for help..all you need to do is ask..and they will be there to support you. Maybe also think about getting counseling as well as some form of healing, reiki is wonderful, and could help you to come up with some answers that are already within you, you maybe just need some help to acknowledge them. Anyway, good luck, and please remember that you are a strong confident woman, who can successfully take on any and every challenge that life presents.
Love and Light,
ukwahine

 

[scared]

thank you again for all the good thoughts and support. i still haven't told the kids yet but i have to soon, as it is now 30 weeks [20 weeks] the major problem is that they and their spouses believe only in relationships that are blood. they will surely reject the baby. of course, they may reject the baby anyways. but i so want to honor my husband and honor my baby by letting her know her father as she grows up.

thanks again for being such caring people.

scared

 

[sasha715]

hi, i really dont know wat your going though but if i was a friend or your family i would be sooooooo proud of you for the strength youve shown and also ashamed of myself that you are putting yourself throu so much stress to make them happy. any child no matter how old is always drawn to their siblings and even if they dont agree with what you did at first once the baby is born they will have that sibling bond and all will be forgotten. (im sure your more worried about the children rather than the mothers) have you spoken to your midwife about your dilema? big hugz xxx sasha xxx