So just a little disclaimer before this post , i know lots of people are going to have opinions on this matter either for or against but this is just how i feel i welcome any advice from people but comments of criticism won't change the way i feel.
I will try to compress the situation as much as possible so its not too long.
SO..
Found out i was pregnant , was skeptical of having father involved as it wasn't a planned pregnancy we hadn't been together that long we already had issues in our relationship he wasn't very committed and was constantly letting me down in lots of ways , imagining having a child together i could just see the ways he would let us down and wasn't up for that, and i didn't think he would be supportive.
I told him i was pregnant as its the right thing to do and at first he didn't take it well he said he thinks abortion is the best option and really encouraged me to get one , for a short while i did too but eventually realised i couldn't go through with it .
I told him i couldn't go through with it as it was ' the right thing to do' and he basically said ok if i have to i will support you but wasn't really pleased in terms of our relationship status he said he didn't think it was a good idea if we stayed together but we carried on seeing each other anyway.
I told him i wasn't comfortable with him being half heartedly involved i said that i would prefer to do it alone if he wasn't happy to have the baby like i was, to which he reacted saying he most definitely wants to be involved and his attitude changed and he said he wanted to be a good dad , i wasn't sure how certain he was of this so i did try to put him off a little, but to my surprise he stayed committed to what he said and was supportive(more supportive then i thought he would be).
i met his family and his mother pulled me to one side after dinner and had the 'Talk' with me saying that basically that her son has to be involved in the Childs life and that the only person it will hurt if he's not is the child , she said her son is trying to do the right thing but if he decides he doesn't want to be with me he still gets to see the child, she also mentioned that me having this child shouldn't affect his plans for the future(being a mature student at university) and that he doesn't have a lot if money so i shouldn't expect much financial help, she also brought up an issue that we had been having easier in our relationship and that was the fact that even though we are in a relationship at this current moment that i shouldn't let him moving in with his ex girlfriend be an issue as they are just friends now and its only because there going to be mature students together.
I didn't respond as well as i wish i had did , i wish i had stuck up for myself and said i never said i would stop him from being involved if he wanted to be a proper parent. proper being the important word there.
I wish i had said that the reason i questioned whether it would be a good idea of him in the being involved in the beginning is because he seemed really upset and pissed off that i was keeping the baby i was simply letting him know that i would rather do it alone then do it with someone who doesn't want to.
I also wish i had said that i don't want to force her son to be with me if he doesn't want to be and that if he decides to not go to university that i have no influence on that decision. and lastly i wish i had said that its weird that he wants to be in a relationship with me and find a new flat to rent with his ex girlfriend .
however i bit my tongue and after that i felt like i was trapping him or making him do things he didn't want to so i tried to remain distant from him for a while but oddly he just wanted to move our relationship to the next level.
I never really told him exactly what his mother said but i felt as though i should listen so i told him that he should move in with his ex and that i wouldn't mind , i told him that he really should go to university although he kept saying to me he wasn't sure if he still wants to do the course.
I didn't tell him i didn't think we shouldn't be together even though i wasn't sure if we should since i felt like a burden but i just tried to keep my distance but in the next 2 months he had made the most effort in our relationship then ever before he used to be quite flakey and a let down which is why before pregnancy i tried to end things but he changed over night now we would go out most evenings dinner cinema , breakfasts , walks and just genuinely caring we talked about baby names and for the first time i saw him show excitement and happiness for the baby he came to the first scan and was supportive , he still wasn't perfect as he still went out with his exes who were friends on big nights and did drugs which i hated but it was an improvement to before which i kind of appreciated at the time.
Around this time He got dismissed from his job for gross misconduct and even though university was on the agenda he kept saying if he can find a high paid job that he enjoys he might not go.
But during the time he had lost his job i was really supportive i helped him create an appeal and drove tim to the appeal meeting i sat there outside for an hour and waited for him , he was hoping for a payout but was unsuccessful.
He was really down and depressed about this i tried to show him it was only temporary and that soon he will find another job only if its just until he goes to uni , we didn't do much for the next week just stayed in because money was tight now i paid for most things , but then come that weekend he went on a big night out with one of two of the exes his regular sees as 'friends' and spent over £200 on drugs.
this really annoyed me since i hadn't asked him for money ever and just thought it was really irresponsible since he didn't know where or when his next wage slip was coming from, we had a baby on the way and to top it off at the time i couldn't contact him for ages.
when i found out i maybe over reacted a little i told him how much i hated him and how i wish i didn't have to know him for the rest of my life and that he was such a failure and a let down, i said some harsh things such as me and this baby will be better off without you and that he will be a rubbish dad and that he should just walk away.
I also had a male friend send a voice message telling him to stay away and that the baby wasn't his.
(i know that what i did wasn't right but i was so angry at the time with him and emotionally unstable myself)
i was really angry but his reaction was awful i felt bad because he said he had thoughts of killing himself and that he cant go on without me and that he just wants to spend the rest of his life loving me .
(i think it was the comedown of the drugs that made him so down and suicidal talks).
However i felt really bad and took me a good couple of days to get him to talk to me face to face and leave the house, he would talk to me through text but said he cant face anyone and wouldn't leave his house and says he gets like this sometimes.
when he eventually did we made up and said that we promised not to argue like that again we said we were going to be happy from now on focus on a new job , finding a place to live , and sorting things out for the baby.
i currently have new job which i took out before knowing i was pregnant i won't be able to do it for long as it is long hours and away from home and includes living away from home for a week at a time which i cant do when the babies here unless i had a lot of support which i don't think i will get so at the moment I'm trying to make it work for along as physically possible until I cant do it any more because i need the money badly and as it is a new job i won't be entitled to the company maternity pay which sucks but i didn't know i wasn't pregnant when i left my old job otherwise i would have stayed.
so anyway by this point we are made up he goes away the following day to see mother who lives abroad , we speak daily for the next few days , i genuinely missed him he spoke about how much he was looking forward to me coming out here the following month and how all three of us will go there one day, (cheese alert!! )one of the sweetest things he said was that he goes to sleep with a smile on his face every night thinking about how happy we will be.
I put that in so you can see that at this point we were head over heels happy.
after few days of him being over there and on the day of my private gender scan which we were both super excited for even though we both couldn't attend , out of nowhere he says to me , when do you think the date of conception was ?
i went online and typed in the date of my last cycle details into an app and screen shotted it and sent it too him and said why do you not think this is your baby ?
and he said no I'm sure it is if you say so i belive but when i worked out the dates of conception in my head it was on new years day (a sore topic for us as the reason we didn't spend it together is because he got messed up on drugs and spent it with his ex , which was one of our first arguments in the beginning of our relationship which i tried to end things over but again he did his whole sob story and i forgave him) ....
i responded to what he said by that you need the dates of my last menstrual cycle to work it out and again being me i maybe slightly over reacted again but i just found it rude , insulting and hurtful.
I also remembered how he made me feel on new years eve which contributed to my reaction and started to argue with him , he wasn't really being argumentative but i just got angry at him.
i mentioned the voice message my male friend left on his phone which he didn't i had sent him until i mentioned it , which of course at this time reinforced ideas that he's not the father , but i didn't really care because i was so angry.
When he eventually listened to that for the first time he became angry as well and
we argued horribly so much so that the gender scan that we had been so excited for he didn't even care about the sex of the baby anymore, and he said its over , he wants a DNA test when the baby is born and if the baby is his he wants access to the child .
after two weeks of silence and not returning my calls i said can we just talk about this as mature adults i want to know what it is you want to do , i sent him a scan photo and told him it was a girl.
I told him that i didn't want to ague with him but nor did i want to get back together. i simply said we need to talk about your intentions , i invited him to the scan for the following day and mentioned the fact that she had a problem that could cause complications at the birth.
I told him that its not about us its about the child and i would like to know if you still want to be involved and he didn't respond.
to which he read all of these messages but continued to ignore me.
The last thing i said was that i can only assume you've changed your mind since your not bothered about anything I've mentioned.
I told him that he cant just walk into her life one day when he feels like it and that I've given him a chance to sort things out.
this could be because he's taken drugs again and gone on a downer and won't talk to me .
this could be because he simply has changed his mind about being involved
or
this could be because he thinks he can not be involved and then when the babies here demand access.
What i want to know now is a few questions , I'm seeing someone new however it is early days so i cant say how serious it will become , new partner seems to be committed and says he wants to be there for me and baby but because of my past experiences I'm just really untrusting and not sure about anything at the moment .
so here are my questions...
1) If the biological dad is not supportive throughout the pregnancy and by that i don't mean towards myself but i mean in the sense of helping to sort things out for the baby , helping financially to prepare for her , meaning I'm left to buy all the baby clothes and equipment , finding a home for her. and not showing any care about the baby or attending appointments especially now he knows theres a potential complication.
If he gets to side track all of this stuff and with no communication of his intentions , when the baby is here do i have to let him see her ?
i feel after 4 1/2 months of not talking then for him to come along and demand access feels unfair , maybe by that time i would have found a place with someone and be settled and that someone would have potentially been supportive throughout and been a great help and for him to come along maybe demanding a DNA test would kind up turn my world upside down.
i don't know if he actually wants to do this because he won't talk to me maybe he doesn't want any involvement at all but i just want to be prepared.
2)If i don't put his name down on the birth certificate and he doesn't automatically have parental responsibility ,from my research his next step would be to apply for parental responsibility through the court .
Can a court force me to carry out a DNA test on the baby ?
3) is it illegal to put down someone else name on the birth certificate if he is not the Biological father ?
4) Will a judge care about the fact he hasn't been supportive throughout pregnancy and allow him access after being unsupportive?
as to be honest my views are that being a father isn't just about seeing the child , he wouldn't have put a roof over her head and worked his bum off in a tiring job just to afford all of the baby things and rent .
While I'm doing that he's out spending his money on hard drugs on the weekends and weed daily.
and he wouldn't have to have dealt with any of the emotional strains that come with a baby possibly having a complication at the birth even though he's been told about it he doesn't care.
i feel like he's got the easy way out then he will suddenly be able to walk in and do what he likes
this was my fear of him in the beginning getting me down and he has .
which is fine id rather him do it early on rather than after the birth which is why i don't want him involved so he can disappear when he wants and be a let down to not me this time but my daughter.
I know i haven't always reacted in the best way of being mature in our relationship but the point is that when it came down to it i did try to put my feelings aside to find resolution to what we would do for our daughter but he didn't care , he's 10 years older than me and just feel he should be more mature as well but i don't feel like giving him another chance when he's ready if he decides he wants to be involved.
It really annoys me because although we had a brief honeymoon period its like all my hesitations i held at the beginning of him letting me down are true.
i know some will have the opinion that I'm the wrong one here but its just how feel sorry.
thanks for reading if you've got this far.
I will try to compress the situation as much as possible so its not too long.
SO..
Found out i was pregnant , was skeptical of having father involved as it wasn't a planned pregnancy we hadn't been together that long we already had issues in our relationship he wasn't very committed and was constantly letting me down in lots of ways , imagining having a child together i could just see the ways he would let us down and wasn't up for that, and i didn't think he would be supportive.
I told him i was pregnant as its the right thing to do and at first he didn't take it well he said he thinks abortion is the best option and really encouraged me to get one , for a short while i did too but eventually realised i couldn't go through with it .
I told him i couldn't go through with it as it was ' the right thing to do' and he basically said ok if i have to i will support you but wasn't really pleased in terms of our relationship status he said he didn't think it was a good idea if we stayed together but we carried on seeing each other anyway.
I told him i wasn't comfortable with him being half heartedly involved i said that i would prefer to do it alone if he wasn't happy to have the baby like i was, to which he reacted saying he most definitely wants to be involved and his attitude changed and he said he wanted to be a good dad , i wasn't sure how certain he was of this so i did try to put him off a little, but to my surprise he stayed committed to what he said and was supportive(more supportive then i thought he would be).
i met his family and his mother pulled me to one side after dinner and had the 'Talk' with me saying that basically that her son has to be involved in the Childs life and that the only person it will hurt if he's not is the child , she said her son is trying to do the right thing but if he decides he doesn't want to be with me he still gets to see the child, she also mentioned that me having this child shouldn't affect his plans for the future(being a mature student at university) and that he doesn't have a lot if money so i shouldn't expect much financial help, she also brought up an issue that we had been having easier in our relationship and that was the fact that even though we are in a relationship at this current moment that i shouldn't let him moving in with his ex girlfriend be an issue as they are just friends now and its only because there going to be mature students together.
I didn't respond as well as i wish i had did , i wish i had stuck up for myself and said i never said i would stop him from being involved if he wanted to be a proper parent. proper being the important word there.
I wish i had said that the reason i questioned whether it would be a good idea of him in the being involved in the beginning is because he seemed really upset and pissed off that i was keeping the baby i was simply letting him know that i would rather do it alone then do it with someone who doesn't want to.
I also wish i had said that i don't want to force her son to be with me if he doesn't want to be and that if he decides to not go to university that i have no influence on that decision. and lastly i wish i had said that its weird that he wants to be in a relationship with me and find a new flat to rent with his ex girlfriend .
however i bit my tongue and after that i felt like i was trapping him or making him do things he didn't want to so i tried to remain distant from him for a while but oddly he just wanted to move our relationship to the next level.
I never really told him exactly what his mother said but i felt as though i should listen so i told him that he should move in with his ex and that i wouldn't mind , i told him that he really should go to university although he kept saying to me he wasn't sure if he still wants to do the course.
I didn't tell him i didn't think we shouldn't be together even though i wasn't sure if we should since i felt like a burden but i just tried to keep my distance but in the next 2 months he had made the most effort in our relationship then ever before he used to be quite flakey and a let down which is why before pregnancy i tried to end things but he changed over night now we would go out most evenings dinner cinema , breakfasts , walks and just genuinely caring we talked about baby names and for the first time i saw him show excitement and happiness for the baby he came to the first scan and was supportive , he still wasn't perfect as he still went out with his exes who were friends on big nights and did drugs which i hated but it was an improvement to before which i kind of appreciated at the time.
Around this time He got dismissed from his job for gross misconduct and even though university was on the agenda he kept saying if he can find a high paid job that he enjoys he might not go.
But during the time he had lost his job i was really supportive i helped him create an appeal and drove tim to the appeal meeting i sat there outside for an hour and waited for him , he was hoping for a payout but was unsuccessful.
He was really down and depressed about this i tried to show him it was only temporary and that soon he will find another job only if its just until he goes to uni , we didn't do much for the next week just stayed in because money was tight now i paid for most things , but then come that weekend he went on a big night out with one of two of the exes his regular sees as 'friends' and spent over £200 on drugs.
this really annoyed me since i hadn't asked him for money ever and just thought it was really irresponsible since he didn't know where or when his next wage slip was coming from, we had a baby on the way and to top it off at the time i couldn't contact him for ages.
when i found out i maybe over reacted a little i told him how much i hated him and how i wish i didn't have to know him for the rest of my life and that he was such a failure and a let down, i said some harsh things such as me and this baby will be better off without you and that he will be a rubbish dad and that he should just walk away.
I also had a male friend send a voice message telling him to stay away and that the baby wasn't his.
(i know that what i did wasn't right but i was so angry at the time with him and emotionally unstable myself)
i was really angry but his reaction was awful i felt bad because he said he had thoughts of killing himself and that he cant go on without me and that he just wants to spend the rest of his life loving me .
(i think it was the comedown of the drugs that made him so down and suicidal talks).
However i felt really bad and took me a good couple of days to get him to talk to me face to face and leave the house, he would talk to me through text but said he cant face anyone and wouldn't leave his house and says he gets like this sometimes.
when he eventually did we made up and said that we promised not to argue like that again we said we were going to be happy from now on focus on a new job , finding a place to live , and sorting things out for the baby.
i currently have new job which i took out before knowing i was pregnant i won't be able to do it for long as it is long hours and away from home and includes living away from home for a week at a time which i cant do when the babies here unless i had a lot of support which i don't think i will get so at the moment I'm trying to make it work for along as physically possible until I cant do it any more because i need the money badly and as it is a new job i won't be entitled to the company maternity pay which sucks but i didn't know i wasn't pregnant when i left my old job otherwise i would have stayed.
so anyway by this point we are made up he goes away the following day to see mother who lives abroad , we speak daily for the next few days , i genuinely missed him he spoke about how much he was looking forward to me coming out here the following month and how all three of us will go there one day, (cheese alert!! )one of the sweetest things he said was that he goes to sleep with a smile on his face every night thinking about how happy we will be.
I put that in so you can see that at this point we were head over heels happy.
after few days of him being over there and on the day of my private gender scan which we were both super excited for even though we both couldn't attend , out of nowhere he says to me , when do you think the date of conception was ?
i went online and typed in the date of my last cycle details into an app and screen shotted it and sent it too him and said why do you not think this is your baby ?
and he said no I'm sure it is if you say so i belive but when i worked out the dates of conception in my head it was on new years day (a sore topic for us as the reason we didn't spend it together is because he got messed up on drugs and spent it with his ex , which was one of our first arguments in the beginning of our relationship which i tried to end things over but again he did his whole sob story and i forgave him) ....
i responded to what he said by that you need the dates of my last menstrual cycle to work it out and again being me i maybe slightly over reacted again but i just found it rude , insulting and hurtful.
I also remembered how he made me feel on new years eve which contributed to my reaction and started to argue with him , he wasn't really being argumentative but i just got angry at him.
i mentioned the voice message my male friend left on his phone which he didn't i had sent him until i mentioned it , which of course at this time reinforced ideas that he's not the father , but i didn't really care because i was so angry.
When he eventually listened to that for the first time he became angry as well and
we argued horribly so much so that the gender scan that we had been so excited for he didn't even care about the sex of the baby anymore, and he said its over , he wants a DNA test when the baby is born and if the baby is his he wants access to the child .
after two weeks of silence and not returning my calls i said can we just talk about this as mature adults i want to know what it is you want to do , i sent him a scan photo and told him it was a girl.
I told him that i didn't want to ague with him but nor did i want to get back together. i simply said we need to talk about your intentions , i invited him to the scan for the following day and mentioned the fact that she had a problem that could cause complications at the birth.
I told him that its not about us its about the child and i would like to know if you still want to be involved and he didn't respond.
to which he read all of these messages but continued to ignore me.
The last thing i said was that i can only assume you've changed your mind since your not bothered about anything I've mentioned.
I told him that he cant just walk into her life one day when he feels like it and that I've given him a chance to sort things out.
this could be because he's taken drugs again and gone on a downer and won't talk to me .
this could be because he simply has changed his mind about being involved
or
this could be because he thinks he can not be involved and then when the babies here demand access.
What i want to know now is a few questions , I'm seeing someone new however it is early days so i cant say how serious it will become , new partner seems to be committed and says he wants to be there for me and baby but because of my past experiences I'm just really untrusting and not sure about anything at the moment .
so here are my questions...
1) If the biological dad is not supportive throughout the pregnancy and by that i don't mean towards myself but i mean in the sense of helping to sort things out for the baby , helping financially to prepare for her , meaning I'm left to buy all the baby clothes and equipment , finding a home for her. and not showing any care about the baby or attending appointments especially now he knows theres a potential complication.
If he gets to side track all of this stuff and with no communication of his intentions , when the baby is here do i have to let him see her ?
i feel after 4 1/2 months of not talking then for him to come along and demand access feels unfair , maybe by that time i would have found a place with someone and be settled and that someone would have potentially been supportive throughout and been a great help and for him to come along maybe demanding a DNA test would kind up turn my world upside down.
i don't know if he actually wants to do this because he won't talk to me maybe he doesn't want any involvement at all but i just want to be prepared.
2)If i don't put his name down on the birth certificate and he doesn't automatically have parental responsibility ,from my research his next step would be to apply for parental responsibility through the court .
Can a court force me to carry out a DNA test on the baby ?
3) is it illegal to put down someone else name on the birth certificate if he is not the Biological father ?
4) Will a judge care about the fact he hasn't been supportive throughout pregnancy and allow him access after being unsupportive?
as to be honest my views are that being a father isn't just about seeing the child , he wouldn't have put a roof over her head and worked his bum off in a tiring job just to afford all of the baby things and rent .
While I'm doing that he's out spending his money on hard drugs on the weekends and weed daily.
and he wouldn't have to have dealt with any of the emotional strains that come with a baby possibly having a complication at the birth even though he's been told about it he doesn't care.
i feel like he's got the easy way out then he will suddenly be able to walk in and do what he likes
this was my fear of him in the beginning getting me down and he has .
which is fine id rather him do it early on rather than after the birth which is why i don't want him involved so he can disappear when he wants and be a let down to not me this time but my daughter.
I know i haven't always reacted in the best way of being mature in our relationship but the point is that when it came down to it i did try to put my feelings aside to find resolution to what we would do for our daughter but he didn't care , he's 10 years older than me and just feel he should be more mature as well but i don't feel like giving him another chance when he's ready if he decides he wants to be involved.
It really annoys me because although we had a brief honeymoon period its like all my hesitations i held at the beginning of him letting me down are true.
i know some will have the opinion that I'm the wrong one here but its just how feel sorry.
thanks for reading if you've got this far.
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