biological fathers rights

may1718

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So just a little disclaimer before this post , i know lots of people are going to have opinions on this matter either for or against but this is just how i feel i welcome any advice from people but comments of criticism won't change the way i feel.
I will try to compress the situation as much as possible so its not too long.

SO..

Found out i was pregnant , was skeptical of having father involved as it wasn't a planned pregnancy we hadn't been together that long we already had issues in our relationship he wasn't very committed and was constantly letting me down in lots of ways , imagining having a child together i could just see the ways he would let us down and wasn't up for that, and i didn't think he would be supportive.
I told him i was pregnant as its the right thing to do and at first he didn't take it well he said he thinks abortion is the best option and really encouraged me to get one , for a short while i did too but eventually realised i couldn't go through with it .
I told him i couldn't go through with it as it was ' the right thing to do' and he basically said ok if i have to i will support you but wasn't really pleased in terms of our relationship status he said he didn't think it was a good idea if we stayed together but we carried on seeing each other anyway.

I told him i wasn't comfortable with him being half heartedly involved i said that i would prefer to do it alone if he wasn't happy to have the baby like i was, to which he reacted saying he most definitely wants to be involved and his attitude changed and he said he wanted to be a good dad , i wasn't sure how certain he was of this so i did try to put him off a little, but to my surprise he stayed committed to what he said and was supportive(more supportive then i thought he would be).
i met his family and his mother pulled me to one side after dinner and had the 'Talk' with me saying that basically that her son has to be involved in the Childs life and that the only person it will hurt if he's not is the child , she said her son is trying to do the right thing but if he decides he doesn't want to be with me he still gets to see the child, she also mentioned that me having this child shouldn't affect his plans for the future(being a mature student at university) and that he doesn't have a lot if money so i shouldn't expect much financial help, she also brought up an issue that we had been having easier in our relationship and that was the fact that even though we are in a relationship at this current moment that i shouldn't let him moving in with his ex girlfriend be an issue as they are just friends now and its only because there going to be mature students together.

I didn't respond as well as i wish i had did , i wish i had stuck up for myself and said i never said i would stop him from being involved if he wanted to be a proper parent. proper being the important word there.
I wish i had said that the reason i questioned whether it would be a good idea of him in the being involved in the beginning is because he seemed really upset and pissed off that i was keeping the baby i was simply letting him know that i would rather do it alone then do it with someone who doesn't want to.
I also wish i had said that i don't want to force her son to be with me if he doesn't want to be and that if he decides to not go to university that i have no influence on that decision. and lastly i wish i had said that its weird that he wants to be in a relationship with me and find a new flat to rent with his ex girlfriend .
however i bit my tongue and after that i felt like i was trapping him or making him do things he didn't want to so i tried to remain distant from him for a while but oddly he just wanted to move our relationship to the next level.

I never really told him exactly what his mother said but i felt as though i should listen so i told him that he should move in with his ex and that i wouldn't mind , i told him that he really should go to university although he kept saying to me he wasn't sure if he still wants to do the course.
I didn't tell him i didn't think we shouldn't be together even though i wasn't sure if we should since i felt like a burden but i just tried to keep my distance but in the next 2 months he had made the most effort in our relationship then ever before he used to be quite flakey and a let down which is why before pregnancy i tried to end things but he changed over night now we would go out most evenings dinner cinema , breakfasts , walks and just genuinely caring we talked about baby names and for the first time i saw him show excitement and happiness for the baby he came to the first scan and was supportive , he still wasn't perfect as he still went out with his exes who were friends on big nights and did drugs which i hated but it was an improvement to before which i kind of appreciated at the time.

Around this time He got dismissed from his job for gross misconduct and even though university was on the agenda he kept saying if he can find a high paid job that he enjoys he might not go.
But during the time he had lost his job i was really supportive i helped him create an appeal and drove tim to the appeal meeting i sat there outside for an hour and waited for him , he was hoping for a payout but was unsuccessful.
He was really down and depressed about this i tried to show him it was only temporary and that soon he will find another job only if its just until he goes to uni , we didn't do much for the next week just stayed in because money was tight now i paid for most things , but then come that weekend he went on a big night out with one of two of the exes his regular sees as 'friends' and spent over £200 on drugs.

this really annoyed me since i hadn't asked him for money ever and just thought it was really irresponsible since he didn't know where or when his next wage slip was coming from, we had a baby on the way and to top it off at the time i couldn't contact him for ages.

when i found out i maybe over reacted a little i told him how much i hated him and how i wish i didn't have to know him for the rest of my life and that he was such a failure and a let down, i said some harsh things such as me and this baby will be better off without you and that he will be a rubbish dad and that he should just walk away.
I also had a male friend send a voice message telling him to stay away and that the baby wasn't his.
(i know that what i did wasn't right but i was so angry at the time with him and emotionally unstable myself)

i was really angry but his reaction was awful i felt bad because he said he had thoughts of killing himself and that he cant go on without me and that he just wants to spend the rest of his life loving me .
(i think it was the comedown of the drugs that made him so down and suicidal talks).
However i felt really bad and took me a good couple of days to get him to talk to me face to face and leave the house, he would talk to me through text but said he cant face anyone and wouldn't leave his house and says he gets like this sometimes.
when he eventually did we made up and said that we promised not to argue like that again we said we were going to be happy from now on focus on a new job , finding a place to live , and sorting things out for the baby.
i currently have new job which i took out before knowing i was pregnant i won't be able to do it for long as it is long hours and away from home and includes living away from home for a week at a time which i cant do when the babies here unless i had a lot of support which i don't think i will get so at the moment I'm trying to make it work for along as physically possible until I cant do it any more because i need the money badly and as it is a new job i won't be entitled to the company maternity pay which sucks but i didn't know i wasn't pregnant when i left my old job otherwise i would have stayed.

so anyway by this point we are made up he goes away the following day to see mother who lives abroad , we speak daily for the next few days , i genuinely missed him he spoke about how much he was looking forward to me coming out here the following month and how all three of us will go there one day, (cheese alert!! )one of the sweetest things he said was that he goes to sleep with a smile on his face every night thinking about how happy we will be.
I put that in so you can see that at this point we were head over heels happy.

after few days of him being over there and on the day of my private gender scan which we were both super excited for even though we both couldn't attend , out of nowhere he says to me , when do you think the date of conception was ?

i went online and typed in the date of my last cycle details into an app and screen shotted it and sent it too him and said why do you not think this is your baby ?

and he said no I'm sure it is if you say so i belive but when i worked out the dates of conception in my head it was on new years day (a sore topic for us as the reason we didn't spend it together is because he got messed up on drugs and spent it with his ex , which was one of our first arguments in the beginning of our relationship which i tried to end things over but again he did his whole sob story and i forgave him) ....

i responded to what he said by that you need the dates of my last menstrual cycle to work it out and again being me i maybe slightly over reacted again but i just found it rude , insulting and hurtful.
I also remembered how he made me feel on new years eve which contributed to my reaction and started to argue with him , he wasn't really being argumentative but i just got angry at him.
i mentioned the voice message my male friend left on his phone which he didn't i had sent him until i mentioned it , which of course at this time reinforced ideas that he's not the father , but i didn't really care because i was so angry.
When he eventually listened to that for the first time he became angry as well and
we argued horribly so much so that the gender scan that we had been so excited for he didn't even care about the sex of the baby anymore, and he said its over , he wants a DNA test when the baby is born and if the baby is his he wants access to the child .

after two weeks of silence and not returning my calls i said can we just talk about this as mature adults i want to know what it is you want to do , i sent him a scan photo and told him it was a girl.
I told him that i didn't want to ague with him but nor did i want to get back together. i simply said we need to talk about your intentions , i invited him to the scan for the following day and mentioned the fact that she had a problem that could cause complications at the birth.
I told him that its not about us its about the child and i would like to know if you still want to be involved and he didn't respond.
to which he read all of these messages but continued to ignore me.
The last thing i said was that i can only assume you've changed your mind since your not bothered about anything I've mentioned.
I told him that he cant just walk into her life one day when he feels like it and that I've given him a chance to sort things out.

this could be because he's taken drugs again and gone on a downer and won't talk to me .

this could be because he simply has changed his mind about being involved

or

this could be because he thinks he can not be involved and then when the babies here demand access.


What i want to know now is a few questions , I'm seeing someone new however it is early days so i cant say how serious it will become , new partner seems to be committed and says he wants to be there for me and baby but because of my past experiences I'm just really untrusting and not sure about anything at the moment .

so here are my questions...

1) If the biological dad is not supportive throughout the pregnancy and by that i don't mean towards myself but i mean in the sense of helping to sort things out for the baby , helping financially to prepare for her , meaning I'm left to buy all the baby clothes and equipment , finding a home for her. and not showing any care about the baby or attending appointments especially now he knows theres a potential complication.
If he gets to side track all of this stuff and with no communication of his intentions , when the baby is here do i have to let him see her ?

i feel after 4 1/2 months of not talking then for him to come along and demand access feels unfair , maybe by that time i would have found a place with someone and be settled and that someone would have potentially been supportive throughout and been a great help and for him to come along maybe demanding a DNA test would kind up turn my world upside down.
i don't know if he actually wants to do this because he won't talk to me maybe he doesn't want any involvement at all but i just want to be prepared.


2)If i don't put his name down on the birth certificate and he doesn't automatically have parental responsibility ,from my research his next step would be to apply for parental responsibility through the court .
Can a court force me to carry out a DNA test on the baby ?

3) is it illegal to put down someone else name on the birth certificate if he is not the Biological father ?

4) Will a judge care about the fact he hasn't been supportive throughout pregnancy and allow him access after being unsupportive?

as to be honest my views are that being a father isn't just about seeing the child , he wouldn't have put a roof over her head and worked his bum off in a tiring job just to afford all of the baby things and rent .
While I'm doing that he's out spending his money on hard drugs on the weekends and weed daily.
and he wouldn't have to have dealt with any of the emotional strains that come with a baby possibly having a complication at the birth even though he's been told about it he doesn't care.
i feel like he's got the easy way out then he will suddenly be able to walk in and do what he likes
this was my fear of him in the beginning getting me down and he has .
which is fine id rather him do it early on rather than after the birth which is why i don't want him involved so he can disappear when he wants and be a let down to not me this time but my daughter.

I know i haven't always reacted in the best way of being mature in our relationship but the point is that when it came down to it i did try to put my feelings aside to find resolution to what we would do for our daughter but he didn't care , he's 10 years older than me and just feel he should be more mature as well but i don't feel like giving him another chance when he's ready if he decides he wants to be involved.
It really annoys me because although we had a brief honeymoon period its like all my hesitations i held at the beginning of him letting me down are true.

i know some will have the opinion that I'm the wrong one here but its just how feel sorry.

thanks for reading if you've got this far.
 
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Hi seems like difficult relationship.

Answer to your questions:
1. I dont think you have to let him see the baby but what about his parents though they have not been great eother i think a child has the right to see all family memebera inless there abuse ect.
2. From what i believe yes they can make you take a test as they do rhis when mothers demand money of dads and the dads say oh its not mine. I could be wrong but thats what i thi k.
3. I dont believe its illegal and yes i think his been a right pain in the arse and not standing up to his responsibilities i do think its totally wrong to put someone else down as thats lying to your child. Your child needs to k ow the truth and if thats her dad is a waste of apace ao be it but olease dont put someone else down. Its just not right.
4. Again i could be wrong but i think the only reason they would not gove access is abuse and thinga like that. If his a risk ect....

Sorry if thats not what you want to hear.

Look the thing is we are the ones who have to carry the child they can come and go because it does not affect them. Yes it makes us angry that some of them are not there and then just come once baby is born but some men are just arse holes. I dont think that would stop a judge from letting him see his child.

I hope it doesn't go that far as it will get messy. Hopefully he will grow a pair and you two can stop saying horrible things to each other and focus on your daughter. He needs to man up.
 
Hi seems like difficult relationship.

Answer to your questions:
1. I dont think you have to let him see the baby but what about his parents though they have not been great eother i think a child has the right to see all family memebera inless there abuse ect.
2. From what i believe yes they can make you take a test as they do rhis when mothers demand money of dads and the dads say oh its not mine. I could be wrong but thats what i thi k.
3. I dont believe its illegal and yes i think his been a right pain in the arse and not standing up to his responsibilities i do think its totally wrong to put someone else down as thats lying to your child. Your child needs to k ow the truth and if thats her dad is a waste of apace ao be it but olease dont put someone else down. Its just not right.
4. Again i could be wrong but i think the only reason they would not gove access is abuse and thinga like that. If his a risk ect....

Sorry if thats not what you want to hear.

Look the thing is we are the ones who have to carry the child they can come and go because it does not affect them. Yes it makes us angry that some of them are not there and then just come once baby is born but some men are just arse holes. I dont think that would stop a judge from letting him see his child.

I hope it doesn't go that far as it will get messy. Hopefully he will grow a pair and you two can stop saying horrible things to each other and focus on your daughter. He needs to man up.


thanks fort taking the time to read and reply.

Yes i know he's an arse and i am fully aware i am a stubborn person I'm also aware that i don't want to become the cliche of a mother who uses their child as a weapon to get at the father.
but i did give him a chance to make a plan / mutual agreement of how we would proceed with things in the future and he just acted like he didn't care , about any thing or the health problems of our baby.

i know what i want to do and thats not let him see the child i know that sounds so malicious and evil but i don't want him involved because from a history of events he will just let me (her) down i don't see why i have to go through that just to say i told you so. but my problem is he does the whole sob story and i feel sorry for him.

his mother last rung me a month ago inviting me to stay at her holiday home, and i haven't spoke to her since, she mentioned that her son is a black sheep of the family and that if i needed anyone to rant to i should tell her but i know she will make excuses for him . i don't know if she will contact me again but if she does i will tell her that its her sons fault if she won't get to see her grandchild not mine.
i cant see a way for her to see the baby without him being involved.

the only way he will be able to contact me is through my mothers address .
so I'm hoping he won't be able to get in contact with me if i tell my mother to not pass on any of my details.

I'm battling with my decision mainly because it looks bad that I'm planning to not let him have access to my daughter and i know the way he will tell people I'm stopping him from seeing her and i will be judged but they don't know how he hasn't been there or done anything so i don't get why he has the right .

Rant over lol
 
The problem is if he did go through a legal route you would have to make an effort to give him some contact so it all depends what he does. I really wouldn't put anyone on a birth certificate who is not their dad. I just think that's totally wrong espevially such a new relationship. I know a kid who is 5 and has had as many dads as years. Not saying you wont last i mean you dont know and its best to wait for such a commitment. He could alwys adopt in a few years. And it seems a shame to not involve grandparents in the child's life it's an amazing bond they share. It's not her fault her son has let you down. Maybe you could let her see her at your house? Xx
 
Yes i agree or at your mothers house? Cpuld you not tey and let him see her and say look this is your last chance if you screw up...... he might change once your little one arrives. Do you not owe it to your child to givw him the opportunity? Im not siding with him but if you give him the chance and he mesess up you can tell her that. If you just dont let him and then say oh well he didn't care when i was pregnant so i didn't let him she could end up hating you. Let all contact go through ypur mum that way ypu can still distance yourself. It is really harsh not to let his family see her its not there fault his how he is. I hope your pregnancy goes well and the healthcomplications you mentioned are not serious.
 
If he takes you to court than yes he should be able to get a DNA test and ask for access this will however cost him quite a bit of money. To be honest what he does with his life if you're not together is none of your business. If you feel like it would affect the safety of your daughter if he would want access that that is something you'd have to take up with the health visitor or a social worker.
Your daughter hasn't been born yet so judging him on what might happen in the future is irrelevant. My dad was always there for me when I grew up and I still fallen out with him being an adult. He might want nothing to do with you but once your daughter is here be there for her. Don't see the two as the same thing because unfortunately it's not.


 
If he takes you to court than yes he should be able to get a DNA test and ask for access this will however cost him quite a bit of money. To be honest what he does with his life if you're not together is none of your business. If you feel like it would affect the safety of your daughter if he would want access that that is something you'd have to take up with the health visitor or a social worker.
Your daughter hasn't been born yet so judging him on what might happen in the future is irrelevant. My dad was always there for me when I grew up and I still fallen out with him being an adult. He might want nothing to do with you but once your daughter is here be there for her. Don't see the two as the same thing because unfortunately it's not.


thanks for taking the time to reply,

yes i cant argue with the fact that my daughter hasn't been born yet but the fact is she will be soon and when i say support i don't mean emotional support for me or being in a supportive relationship I'm mean supporting and helping me to find somewhere to live ,i have a flat which isn't in a liveable condition which obviously as a pregnant women I'm not able to do a lot of DIY stuff , financial help , with the costs of all the equipment cot, clothes , bottles , sterilisers just general things as this is my first trying to organise them things as well as working 96 hours a week! in a travelling job which means im only around two weeks in a month to get this stuff sorted.
even little things such as painting the walls would be greatly appreciated as builders cost money it needs new bathroom , kitchen , windows ...
he gets to go out and blow his money on what is 'none of my business' but then when she's born he gets to come and see her as if thats the most important thing , in a world that i have hopefully created for her , and quite frankly struggling to create for her but thats ok because he's her dad and she hasn't been born yet.

sorry i just don't think thats fair. and its not like I'm not giving him the chance to be there even if he cant afford financially at this point in time it doesn't cost that much money to arrive at the hospital for a scan when he has been told she has health complications.

I welcome your comments and all helps to have a healthy debate and it enables me to think about the situation, and while i do appreciate what you are saying and i feel many will share your opinions especially his friends and family who are likely to hound me come the birth of her but i don't think its right that he doesn't show any support then just wants to see her seeing her is not taking on any responsibilities or struggles.
A newborn doesn't know who it is being seen by but it will know weather they have food and a warm home.

i just think its unfair he gets to walk in like its his regardless right and also he hasn't even ended things in a decent way I'm no angel but he could at least tell me what he plans to do or his intentions or just say i need some time but the truth is he hasn't done any of that just flat out ignoring me until he's ready to pop up on the scene again ,at least he can do is end things with an understanding of what will happen not just walk out and not reply to any calls or messages . I know i am stubborn but i cant agree with that or think that is ok
 
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It's not fair and its not right but part of having children is being the adult and creating the best for our children even if it's not the best for us.

He should be helping to buy equipment and formula etc but no way should he be expected to decorate your house etc sorry but I do think that's a bit much to expect.

He should be in touch and going to scans but again you can't predict what he would be like once she is born. Pregnancy is very different for men and some don't bond at all to a pregnancy but do once the child arrives.

I do hope maybe you will look into mediation or something or at very least look into how having an estranged parent can have an effect on a child be it through the mothers choice or the farther not bothering. It may happen that he doesn't want any involvement which is out of your hands but I wouldn't want to be responsible for it.
 
You're the one whose already seeing someone new despite not even having give birth and you're banging on about how he's not properly ended things and you expect him to come decorate your flat and find you a new place to live. I can guarantee you being with someone whose ten years + older too that he thinks you're taking the mick. He might not feel like he can talk to you at this moment because you're not being realistic. All he has to do once your daughter is old enough to stay with him if that's what he wants to have his place sorted for your daughter to stay there safely and buy equipment for her himself. I think if you're old and responsible enough to get pregnant and decide to keep the baby that you're old enough to make sure you're in a position to get those things done yourself and get the stuff sorted yourself. It doesn't have to cost a lot, you can get a lot of second hand if money is tight. You can apply for grants and I'm sure as hell you'll get more money of the government in child tax credits, child benefit, maternity grants, sure start grants than he'll have to pay you monthly!

You have to sort out these things and it's hard regardless whether your in a relationship or not because that's the reality of having a baby!

Just wait and see what he's like once she's born and whether he'll step up or not and if he does let him.


 
Sorry to say but i completely agree with the above. It is unfair that men can come and go but he dont need to do anything for you. We could argue it and say but morally he should as your having his baby but the truth is he dont have to. Its not his job to sort your flat out not being rude but why was it not done before, why get pregnant if your house is not habitable and if your new fella is so nice get him to do it. If you stop him seeing your baby she will grow up asking why you didnt lwt him when he tried. Men struggle and alot of the timw only bond once the baby os here. I bet if you give him the chance he would surprise you and if he dont then you have every right to stop him.
 
It's not fair and its not right but part of having children is being the adult and creating the best for our children even if it's not the best for us.

He should be helping to buy equipment and formula etc but no way should he be expected to decorate your house etc sorry but I do think that's a bit much to expect.

He should be in touch and going to scans but again you can't predict what he would be like once she is born. Pregnancy is very different for men and some don't bond at all to a pregnancy but do once the child arrives.

I do hope maybe you will look into mediation or something or at very least look into how having an estranged parent can have an effect on a child be it through the mothers choice or the farther not bothering. It may happen that he doesn't want any involvement which is out of your hands but I wouldn't want to be responsible for it.


I'm not asking him to decorate my house , but I'm say if he couldnt afford to help with things for the baby which I'm not sure about his finances so i don't know ,but if he couldnt he could help paint the walls in my flat not decorate the whole thing as like i said I'm paying for builders to make it liveable but he could paint his daughters bedroom at least i don't see that as too much to ask not that I'm asking him anyway but its just a thing normal people would offer to do.
 
You're the one whose already seeing someone new despite not even having give birth and you're banging on about how he's not properly ended things and you expect him to come decorate your flat and find you a new place to live. I can guarantee you being with someone whose ten years + older too that he thinks you're taking the mick. He might not feel like he can talk to you at this moment because you're not being realistic. All he has to do once your daughter is old enough to stay with him if that's what he wants to have his place sorted for your daughter to stay there safely and buy equipment for her himself. I think if you're old and responsible enough to get pregnant and decide to keep the baby that you're old enough to make sure you're in a position to get those things done yourself and get the stuff sorted yourself. It doesn't have to cost a lot, you can get a lot of second hand if money is tight. You can apply for grants and I'm sure as hell you'll get more money of the government in child tax credits, child benefit, maternity grants, sure start grants than he'll have to pay you monthly!

You have to sort out these things and it's hard regardless whether your in a relationship or not because that's the reality of having a baby!

Just wait and see what he's like once she's born and whether he'll step up or not and if he does let him.


I'm not asking him to decorate my house , but I'm say if he couldnt afford to help with things for the baby which I'm not sure about his finances so i don't know ,but if he couldnt he could help paint the walls in my flat not decorate the whole thing as like i said I'm paying for builders to make it liveable but he could paint his daughters bedroom at least i don't see that as too much to ask not that I'm asking him anyway but its just a thing normal people would offer to do.

your opinion is that i am more then capable of going on benefits and buying a load of second hand stuff , basically struggling and its ok he doesn't help but still wants to be involved.

i don't think thats right but ok. thanks for your advice
 
Not it their not together i dont think its normal for the ex to come over and do it. I so t want you to feel like we are all ganging up on you but you do sound slightly demanding and expect things. Maybe dont expect anyrhing and if he does something it will be a welcome surprise.
He may be biggest low life on the planet but if the court see he cant financially help and he wnta contact they would still allow it as its about the childs mental well beiing and they may he can still contribute to that.
Maybe you should semd one more message be nice ask how he is and say look i k ow things are difficult for us but id like us to .ove forward one atep at a time. Im going to paint babys room and wantex to ask if you would help or if you want to go for a coffee and juat sort this out. If its in a neutral environment you wont argue.
 
Sorry to say but i completely agree with the above. It is unfair that men can come and go but he dont need to do anything for you. We could argue it and say but morally he should as your having his baby but the truth is he dont have to. Its not his job to sort your flat out not being rude but why was it not done before, why get pregnant if your house is not habitable and if your new fella is so nice get him to do it. If you stop him seeing your baby she will grow up asking why you didnt lwt him when he tried. Men struggle and alot of the timw only bond once the baby os here. I bet if you give him the chance he would surprise you and if he dont then you have every right to stop him.


sorry but I'm not asking him to do anything for me , In fact i haven't asked him anything as of yet as he won't talk to me , if i could talk to him i would ask him to help for the baby not myself i don't know where from all of this you think I'm asking for help for myself.


yes if i am a single mother with no contact with the dad i would expect to do things by myself but if the father is saying he wants to be involved and co parent then i don't expect to do things by myself.
and i think thats fair to assume both parents share the responsibilities .
not just one and the other come along when he wants to have a look at the child.

I'm not asking him to decorate a whole house how ridiculous is that what I'm saying is he could help paint his daughters bedroom instance or get it to a decent state even though i am paying builders for the major work but it would help financially . wasn't done before because its a lot of work and rome wasn't built in a day and it cost money i.e. why I'm trying to sort it out now before i drop,

you say why get pregnant of my house isn't habitable ? and i don't think its a really fair to question ask and so i shouldn't keep my baby because of money ?

like i said things with the person i am seeing are not serious , but if they were to become how can i expect them to support me and my child even if there were to help financially like your asking why he's not already ? then pushing him out when the ex comes along isn't going to go down too well.
not really right for someone to support you and your baby then the dad rock up claiming rights after doing nothing which is why I'm hesitant of going there but like you suggested maybe i should ask the ' new fella'

thanks for the advice
 
I never said you shouldnt keep your baby because of money i was simply suggesting maybe you both should have taken more precautions. Saying that accidents do happen and if thats the case then fair enough.

Also i totaly get that it is completely out of order to just turn up and claim rights ect if the guy your seeing took you both on. Its out of order to turn up once the baby is born and say he wants rights even if you stayed single but unfortunately men do it and its unfair on us as we go through all the hard stuff but i dont think that would stop a court from letting him see the baby if he had to go down that route.
If his not talking to you then can you not just turn up at his house refuse to leave till this is sorted?
 
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Painting your baby's wall is for you not her. Baby isn't going to pick up a roller and crack on and won't care what colour it is.
 
So basically if he decides to go through court proceedings he will most likely be granted the rights to see his child, due to his drug use it will probably be supervised visits rather than outright access. But nonetheless as a father he has rights too, he may not be there for you or be what you consider a good honest man but he still has the right to prove himself to his child and if he let's her down more fool him.

You shouldn't but anyone's name on the birth certificate that isn't the biological father it wI'll also make it next to impossible to get sny child maintenance out of your ex if you do.

Yes parental rights do seem unfair that you put in lots of time and effort and he can "come and go" but with legal proceedings you can set up strict guidelines about when he can see your daughter and for how long.

Quite often in bitter disputes it's recommended parents don't talk to each other and they communicate through mediators or lawyers so as to not give the other party ammunition that could get brought up in court and jeopardise their chances for access so get could be ignoring you for legal reasons? I would be very careful in you're communications to not let you're emotions get too involved.

Having a child is a big lifelong commitment and being a parent unfortunately it's not about your opinions of the father and if he will let your daughter down. It comes down to your daughter has the right to see her father and even her fathers family even if she's too young to recognise it's her father. It can be devastating growing up bot knowing where half of you originates from your background or history. And she has a right to know and make up her own mind.
If you deny her the right to see her father it could just end up backfiring on you. If your ex isn't up to the iob it's your job to be the bigger man to stand up and to bend over backwards to show you've given him as much chance you be a father as you can so that if he fails he hasn't got a leg to stand on or anyone to blame but himself if she resents him for not putting in the effort.

If you don't want him to be a part of your daughters life you also shouldn't expect him to decorate you're daughters room... have you offered to decorate a room in his house for your daughter to play in or spend a night when she's old enough? Unfortunately your living conditions are you're responsibility and no one else's. You can force him to pay child maintenance but again there are hoops you have to jump through for that.

One thing that you mentioned in two questions is your concern that he may want a dna test. Is there an issue why this would be a problem? All a dna test would prove is what you already know... that he's the father right? All it can do is strengthen your case to get financial support from him... so I'm not sure why you are worried about that unless something else happened around new year that you are concerned about?

Basically I know it's not fair but when you did the unprotected bedroom boogie this was an option that could have happened and now you both need to man up to the new reality of life. I hope that you can get it all resolved though in as amicable way as possible both putting your feelings for each other aside and concentrating on what's best for the new life you two have created together.
 
Also in regards to benefits, I wasn't saying you need to sign on but with a single income you're entitled to money from maternity and sure start grants and monthly money such as child benefit and child tax credits. People who are on low income, couples even get them too. Just look into to it whether you quality and it will make your life easier. Also painting walls is a piece of piss. My mom decorated the entire house whilst pregnant with my youngest sister. Just ask family, friends ect to give you a helping hand with things.


 
Also in regards to benefits, I wasn't saying you need to sign on but with a single income you're entitled to money from maternity and sure start grants and monthly money such as child benefit and child tax credits. People who are on low income, couples even get them too. Just look into to it whether you quality and it will make your life easier. Also painting walls is a piece of piss. My mom decorated the entire house whilst pregnant with my youngest sister. Just ask family, friends ect to give you a helping hand with things.


I re did a whole house single handed, (from a ruin and i mean no floor or joists etc) my dh had work and the house needed doing before we could move in, I fit new radiators and a new bathroom, stripped the whole house, painted the house, helped put up a stud wall and new celing and floor joists and flooring. Helped carry stone when the windows where being put in. mixed cement to fill in holes and point. The only thing i didnt do was the electrics, fit the kitchen or plastering. All while heavly pregnant and on maternity leave. We couldn't afford to get builders in.

When i was pregnant before maternity i was working as a plumber fitting heating, bathrooms etc. Honestly we can do a lot more than we think and its great to get some good life skills in.

This isnt to say your lazy but its to say even with the dad in the babys life there are times that we need to get things done alone. My husband now hasnt decorated ive done it all id be waiting forever for him to get it done.
 
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100% agree red bear! I know in that house whilst preg my mom done a lot cause I remember her taking me to it and I was like "are we seriously moving into this dump??" She done the floors and all sorts too I'm sure she didn't do the elecki and fitting kitchen either but she too had managed to do it all up! I don't know whether it was because there was no money I was too young but my mom always preferred to do stuff her self in order to save money. Recently two girls I used to go school with my mom is still friends with their mom bought their own house so each has their own house and they done that too top to bottom sorted the house electric and everything just to save money on getting people in and getting help from family! They're both younger than me own a house they've renovated themselves that's a great life skill!


 

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