best friend knows best....

[rachie29]

I have been suffering quite badly with m/s - and i told my friend this who promptly told me to stop moaning... now i know she has wanted children for a while and we did speak about her being slightly jealous of the fact i'm p/g. I totally understood her feelings and promised that while i wanted to involve her i would try not to be too OTT and to be fair its all she has wanted for a long time. She is now single.

Its a tricky one with her - she keeps telling me that she's happy for me and wants to be involved and she will deal with her jealousy because thats her issue and we have resolved that... but i cant help feeling her sense of 'I know best' is going to get in the way.

We had a long chat last night and I told her that whilst I am over the moon to be pg, its very draining and hard to feel and be sick for 12hrs a day... but she insists on starting every conversation with.. well i've knows lots of pregnant people, more than you and....

to top things off she works with children and she told me last night she will find it very difficult to see me with a child and not give advice on how to do things... i tried to tell her that while I will want advice with things because this is all new to me she needs to wait until its asked for..

Am i being ungrateful to someone who just wants to help? I can be quite stubborn at times - its not one of my most attractive qualities and if someone tells me what to do i can get a bit defensive - but only if i havent asked for advice...

sorry for long post but its playing on my mind...

 

[emma28]

Have you told her that it will damage your friendship? I know i might be sounding hard but if she's your friend she should be happy for and supporting you. It's your special time and working with children does not make you a mum! Sorry if that sounds awful hun

 

[lisa&alex]

to be honest. that kind of freindship is not healthy. for either fo you, she seems to be pushing the boundaries a bit, and taking you for granted, pushing you into feeling guilty and not happy and you having to watch what you are saying so you dont upset her, the fact of the matter is she is single and looks to be in no position to have a child for a while, she should not be jealous of you she should be 100% happy and not critazis you for anything, if you feel ill you should be able to go to a true friend and brst out in tears and say i feel like crap and she should comfort you, that is a true friendship.

i would consider the pro's and con's of the relationship and seek the answer - is it better for me to be her friend or not be her friend.

good luck with it xx

 

[sally01]

hello, i totally agree with the other ladies this is a very special and treasured time for you and i dont think your friend is allowing you to experience it to the full because she is making you feel akward when discussing certain things i think its very unfair i also agree that working with children does not amount to and never will be the same as what we do as mothers there is a line that cant be crossed between friends no matter how close you's are. A true friend should be there when ever you need them for what ever the problem should be i hope you can sort this with your friend before she ruins the friendship you's have, hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy without any added stress x

 

[mrs_tommo22]

Hiay rachie29, I am the same as you and would feel the same too. Just because your pal looks after children dont maker her an expert, and i know i might sound horrible, but just because she wants children of her own dont mean she can make you feel bad or make comments, its rude and uncalled for.
Thos is a very special time for you and your OH and no one is allowed to rain on your parade, no matter how good a friend they are.

 

[newmumtobe]

You dont need that sort of stress! tell her straight sort it out or get out of my life! sorry i know she is your best friend but i cant stand people who interfere with peoples lives like that.

 

[rachie29]

thanks for the advice guys... i think i kind of knew this already i would have advised the same...

She is a good friend and her heart is in the right place...but she's just going to have to learn to belt up otherwise we will fall out and to be honest I don't want that but my health and my baby come first...

 

[Penstraze]

It sounds like you and your friend can be honest with each other which is a good start tell her how your feeling and if shes a good friend she will understand!

I am a trained nursery nurse and left my job as head nursery nurse 2 years ago but even when working as a nursery nurse I have always been of the belief no one knows a child and whats best for them beter then its parents (obviously not including abuse/neglect cases thats something very different!) yes we all need advice from someone more experienced from time to time but no one will know your child like you and your OH and therefore wont be as qualified as you to make decissions regarding how to bring him/her up. It can be hard if you see someone doing something different to how you would like to do it but she will have to learn to bite her tongue cause its not her place! When she has her own children she can bring them up how she wants but this is your child and she needs to remember that no mater how much she wants a child or how difficult it will be for her she cant satisfy her need for a child with your child!

 

[rachie29]

penstraze.. you hit the nail on the head completely... she works with children who have been abused/neglected (she isnt suggesting at all this will happen i need to make that clear..) so i think she gets a little carried away and doesnt realise that the way she is coming across is patronizing and out of order... i dont need a social worker..

 

[AllieW]

I agree with everybody else. I think you need to gently point out to her that, while you understand her difficulty, she is being unreasonable and unhelpful. Perhaps pointing out that stressing you could harm your baby might pull her up a bit short? And if she's unwilling and/or unable to do that, then you're going to have to distance yourself from her because it's an unhealthy situation. It sounds to me like she needs to talk to someone (other than you) about this, since you won't be the only friend with whom she has this difficulty, I'd imagine.

 

[Penstraze]

Glad I made sense and didnt sound too much like I was on my soap box lol I saw a friend get upset from someone who worked with children trying to tell them how to bring their child up when they were doing a great job and I personally felt their way of doing things over this child care workers were much beter and safer so is something I feel quite strongly about and think the people who do it give child care workers a bad name!

It is very difficult working with social care cases (abused/neglected children) and can effect your judgement I commend her for doing such a difficult job which is very rewarding but very heart draining but you need to tell her exactly how you feel and that your not prepared to put up with it or it will only get worse when the baby arrives especially as shes already said she doesnt think she will be able to hold back from giving unwanted advice! Good luck

 

[rachie29]

you are all right and i will tell her to back off.... thanks guys

 

[Penstraze]

Have you had a word with her? How did it go?

 

[rachie29]

hi penstraze.... we had a long chat yesterday, we seemed to get there.....

basically this is my pregnancy and its about me, my OH and our baby sand if she can't just be a friend then she will lose out. Fingers crossed its the last we'll have to talk about . Part of me understands because I know there was always an element of me that thought 'why not me' when other friends of our got p/g - BUT turning my p/g into all about her and her feelings and making me feel guilty isnt acceptable .... well at least i dont think it is. I never did that, with those friends because it was their turn and their time...

anyway thanks for all advice girlies...