Baby 2 on the way with different dad (Long winded sorry)

[KeelyT90]

Hi All,

I had an awful 3 year relationship with a man that cheated on me every opportunity he had, but manipulated me so much that I stuck around.... Stupid I know. Anyway, unplanned, I found out I was pregnant with my little boy who will be 2 on the 23rd of this month. Upon finding out I was pregnant, the father became verbally abusive and his 6 year old daughter would hit me in the stomach, if I asked for support he would shout things such as "Throw yourself down the stairs and do us all a favour"

I decided enough was enough and continued the pregnancy on my own. I had a very difficult pregnancy, lots of complications and in and out of hospital. If I sent him an email to keep him in the loop I would get a reply of "Attention Seeker"

After the birth I allowed him to visit baby etc but on every visit he would be abusive, shouting, calling me a terrible mother, throwing things at me, refusing to leave etc....
The police got involved and told me I need to stop visits and it needs to go to court because as his name is on the birth certificate, if he takes my baby, there is nothing they can do unless there is a court order that says he lives with me & father only has access.

Access now takes place once a fortnight on a Saturday and returns Sunday. (He is known for missing visits) and is still trying to be a control freak and verbally abusive on messages this far down the line. Only now it doesn't hurt me.

I got with my new partner in August of last year. Low & behold he kicked off about that as I have another man around HIS son.
Unexpectedly, we found out I was expecting baby 2 and I am about 7 weeks gone so far....
I am dreading the ex finding out as it's something else to kick off about.
Anyway, my new partner is absolutely amazing, he & his whole family are so accepting of my toddler & his mum calls him her grandson. And I know we haven't been together long but he is a great father figure in his life. When the little one is at his real dads he always says he's missing him.

I think my partner is feeling a little insecure though, he asked yesterday what our baby would call him? I said Daddy obviously! Then he said but Ryleigh calls me Malc, it'll be confusing for them both if they're both calling me something different.

I never thought of it until now but he's right isn't he. What would you suggest in this situation?

 

[russellmuscle]

I would just be honest and upfront, perhaps in time your older son will call your new partner dad - considering hes been accepted into the family more than it sounds that his biological dad is doing. Ofcourse you shouldnt close your ex out of being a father figure but you cant force him - and your son will probably look upto your new partner and gel that bit more once the new baby comes.

The baby wont be confused - I've got a few friends and my SIL who has been present in my nieces life since the age of 2, and has had two of her own with BIL, its never confused the girls whos mums who. I think my niece went through the age she asked some questions when BIL got married, like why didnt you marry my mum etc - but ofcourse you dunno how much of that is coming from the childs thoughts and not the mothers ...

The baby will learn majority of its words from you and daddy - so you calling him daddy etc baby probably wont click on for a wee while that your boy calls him Malc. Especially as nothing else is different for them ie same grandma etc.

I guess its a worry all new couples with babies have - when I split with my OH for a while I gave up the idea of kids because I was scared of the confusion but really, its what makes you and your family happy.

The ex sounds a bit of a loon ball if Im honest - but it also sounds like he has no one to blame but himself. If it turns out in years your boy would rather not see him I wouldn't be surprised.

You starting a family has nothing to do with your ex - so dont be scared of him or what he will say because none of that matters. Hes in the past, the baby and new family is your future.


Wishing you the best of luck with your new wee family. I hope it goes well.

xxxx

 

[KeelyT90]

I would just be honest and upfront, perhaps in time your older son will call your new partner dad - considering hes been accepted into the family more than it sounds that his biological dad is doing. Ofcourse you shouldnt close your ex out of being a father figure but you cant force him - and your son will probably look upto your new partner and gel that bit more once the new baby comes.

The baby wont be confused - I've got a few friends and my SIL who has been present in my nieces life since the age of 2, and has had two of her own with BIL, its never confused the girls whos mums who. I think my niece went through the age she asked some questions when BIL got married, like why didnt you marry my mum etc - but ofcourse you dunno how much of that is coming from the childs thoughts and not the mothers ...

The baby will learn majority of its words from you and daddy - so you calling him daddy etc baby probably wont click on for a wee while that your boy calls him Malc. Especially as nothing else is different for them ie same grandma etc.

I guess its a worry all new couples with babies have - when I split with my OH for a while I gave up the idea of kids because I was scared of the confusion but really, its what makes you and your family happy.

The ex sounds a bit of a loon ball if Im honest - but it also sounds like he has no one to blame but himself. If it turns out in years your boy would rather not see him I wouldn't be surprised.

You starting a family has nothing to do with your ex - so dont be scared of him or what he will say because none of that matters. Hes in the past, the baby and new family is your future.


Wishing you the best of luck with your new wee family. I hope it goes well.

xxxx

Aww thanks so much. I try not to let him bother me but he picks fine moments. Like, Friday was my Nana's funeral and he resorted to bullying me again. I blocked him in the end. I'm not being lenient anymore, all contact will go back to email only for the evidence trace. He is a loon haha, for the first 8 months of Ryleighs life his contact had to be in a contact centre and he wasn't allowed in the same room as me.

With what my new partner was asking yesterday, I wasn't sure what exactly he was getting at, like whether he was suggesting he wanted Ryleigh to call him dad aswell as baby 2 or whether he wanted them to call him by his name lol.
Maybe closer to the EDD I should ask him what he wants and then always guide Ryleigh that he has a dad & step-dad.
Malc is always telling me he wants to be involved with Ryleigh & he wants me to rely on him to care for him if I need to go anywhere etc, he is great. I just feel awkward asking as I know he isn't his but I guess when the second is born, they cant be treated differently x

 

[russellmuscle]

I would just be honest and upfront, perhaps in time your older son will call your new partner dad - considering hes been accepted into the family more than it sounds that his biological dad is doing. Ofcourse you shouldnt close your ex out of being a father figure but you cant force him - and your son will probably look upto your new partner and gel that bit more once the new baby comes.

The baby wont be confused - I've got a few friends and my SIL who has been present in my nieces life since the age of 2, and has had two of her own with BIL, its never confused the girls whos mums who. I think my niece went through the age she asked some questions when BIL got married, like why didnt you marry my mum etc - but ofcourse you dunno how much of that is coming from the childs thoughts and not the mothers ...

The baby will learn majority of its words from you and daddy - so you calling him daddy etc baby probably wont click on for a wee while that your boy calls him Malc. Especially as nothing else is different for them ie same grandma etc.

I guess its a worry all new couples with babies have - when I split with my OH for a while I gave up the idea of kids because I was scared of the confusion but really, its what makes you and your family happy.

The ex sounds a bit of a loon ball if Im honest - but it also sounds like he has no one to blame but himself. If it turns out in years your boy would rather not see him I wouldn't be surprised.

You starting a family has nothing to do with your ex - so dont be scared of him or what he will say because none of that matters. Hes in the past, the baby and new family is your future.


Wishing you the best of luck with your new wee family. I hope it goes well.

xxxx

Aww thanks so much. I try not to let him bother me but he picks fine moments. Like, Friday was my Nana's funeral and he resorted to bullying me again. I blocked him in the end. I'm not being lenient anymore, all contact will go back to email only for the evidence trace. He is a loon haha, for the first 8 months of Ryleighs life his contact had to be in a contact centre and he wasn't allowed in the same room as me.

With what my new partner was asking yesterday, I wasn't sure what exactly he was getting at, like whether he was suggesting he wanted Ryleigh to call him dad aswell as baby 2 or whether he wanted them to call him by his name lol.
Maybe closer to the EDD I should ask him what he wants and then always guide Ryleigh that he has a dad & step-dad.
Malc is always telling me he wants to be involved with Ryleigh & he wants me to rely on him to care for him if I need to go anywhere etc, he is great. I just feel awkward asking as I know he isn't his but I guess when the second is born, they cant be treated differently x

Your OH probably feels a bit awkward about directly coming out and asking things like that because he isnt biologically his, so he probably doesn't know where he stand as now that theres a new baby there will be different family structure if you like.. He probably sees what you are going through with your ex and maybe wants to "be there more" for your son if you like.

I think if your happy hes doing well by your son and his biological dad is nothing but abuse and aggro then I would just like you say see what both want. Speak to OH first and just ask what hes comfortable with, right down to giving into trouble etc - only because then you will both know what you are comfortable with and not. And just let Ryleigh make up his own mind. Hes only 2 - once baby is saying daddy he might change then. If he asks and your all comfortable with it you can then explain when he understands more that Malc will be the dad of the house now.

Sadly I think your ex gave up the choice to dictate how you raise your son when you split and he continued to be abusive to you pair and miss out on visits with your son. Who else is your son meant to turn to? Your ex should be grateful that another man has decided to take on a child and raise them the same as his own. Takes alot for a man to do it and Im sure if you trust your OH on this then mummies know best - your not going to do anything to deliberately confuse or hurt him.

Is there anyway you can get a restraining order of sorts? I think someone like that sounds a bit unstable I dont think Id want to give him a possibility to be around me or my unborn baby atm.

I think the whole situation is more confusing for adults than kids, they tend to take it in their stride. Alot of kids grow up with step dads and mums now. Its quite normal.

xxxx

 

[KeelyT90]

Yes, that's very good advice. Thank you so much. We will just see what falls into place when new baby starts talking etc. Guess that's the best option.

With regards to the restraining order, unfortunately not. The courts granted access and I have to meet him in a location on a near by carpark where there are potential witnesses & cameras. The police said when a child is involved there is no way I would get a restraining order unless he physically harmed me or the little one.
He constantly tries to demand my home address as he apparently has the right to know where his son lives, however, I just advice that the courts granted a mutually convenient location because I do not feel safe around him.
He isn't going to turn up at my home and refuse to leave like he use to. No way.
He is just a control freak and when he can't get control he goes to extremes. I wish he could just be a reasonable guy instead of a complete bully.
Trouble is though, and everyone else thinks this. He isn't in Ryleighs life for his benefit, it's simply to keep a hold of me and always have some sort of control of my life & decisions where our son is concerned.

xx

 

[LaceyKeo]

I haven't read all the replies sorry, in a rush.

My partner is always referred to as daddy around our baby girl.

My son calls his dad "daddy", and my partner "daddy-John".

I never told him to call him anything, and always just referred to him as John to DS and daddy to DD.

DS just sorta started calling him that. (Son's three).

I'd leave the kids to lead it, to be honest xx

 

[flexilexi394]

Hi Keely!

I am also expecting a baby with a different partner, and I can relate to some extent of what you are going through.

The man (my ex) bringing my daughter up actually isn't her biological father, but to cut a long story short he decided when I was pregnant he would stick around, and when we split up I fully expected him to walk away from us both, but of course instead he decided he would play daddy and it was in no way beneficial to my daughter, but to just have that last bit of control that he could possibly cling onto, and I know that feels shit, but do remember that these children grow up and they will see everything for themselves.

I am blissfully happy with my new partner, and my daughter just calls him Adam for the time being but we have the odd joke that he can be called "Daddam" haha and my daughter sometimes calls him that because its light hearted for her and not treading on toes.

It has crossed my mind about how my daughter will cope with having a half sibling but very recently she has become more attached to my partner and curls up on his lap etc so I am hoping she will feel equally as loved as the baby as we can all be close as a family.

Just reassure your current partner that it is quite a common occurrence and it will be lovely once you have your baby and your son will love to see you all together as a family, kids love a complete family unit and he will probably call your partner daddy as hes so young with him being around which isn't a bad thing at all.

It is hard to choose to have a child with a different dad, it frightened the life out of me at first because I just worried Sofia wouldnt take it very well but shes super excited to become a big sister which is lovely, and your son will love his new sibling so much xx

 

[tinselcat]

Hi there

I don't have any idea over dad names however I am going through the courts with regards to my abusive ex-husband; unfortunately I did not have as much evidence as would be helpful for these situations. Apparently the courts do care about emotional abuse, so if he is verbally abusing you in front of your child, then I think it would be helpful to record this and flag it as evidence. All police call-outs and social service reports are of use in terms of establishing what is going on.

It sounds like you have already gone through the courts in terms of access orders, but my solicitor was advising me today that you can always go back to court if you think the child is in danger.

Based on his previous history with you, I am concerned how he may react to knowing you are pregnant, so I don't know if you have done but perhaps seek some advice (e.g. from Victim Support) for protecting yourself?

Personally I am considering buying some sort of video camera device for any meetings with my ex in order to prove what goes on in case anything goes wrong with the situation.

On a better note, congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it all goes well & I am delighted to hear you have a lovely new partner - congrats xx

 

[KeelyT90]

Hi Keely!

I am also expecting a baby with a different partner, and I can relate to some extent of what you are going through.

The man (my ex) bringing my daughter up actually isn't her biological father, but to cut a long story short he decided when I was pregnant he would stick around, and when we split up I fully expected him to walk away from us both, but of course instead he decided he would play daddy and it was in no way beneficial to my daughter, but to just have that last bit of control that he could possibly cling onto, and I know that feels shit, but do remember that these children grow up and they will see everything for themselves.

I am blissfully happy with my new partner, and my daughter just calls him Adam for the time being but we have the odd joke that he can be called "Daddam" haha and my daughter sometimes calls him that because its light hearted for her and not treading on toes.

It has crossed my mind about how my daughter will cope with having a half sibling but very recently she has become more attached to my partner and curls up on his lap etc so I am hoping she will feel equally as loved as the baby as we can all be close as a family.

Just reassure your current partner that it is quite a common occurrence and it will be lovely once you have your baby and your son will love to see you all together as a family, kids love a complete family unit and he will probably call your partner daddy as hes so young with him being around which isn't a bad thing at all.

It is hard to choose to have a child with a different dad, it frightened the life out of me at first because I just worried Sofia wouldnt take it very well but shes super excited to become a big sister which is lovely, and your son will love his new sibling so much xx

Aww that's lovely. My little one is exactly the same. Loves sitting in my partners lap reading books and cuddling. (More for him than me these days) thanks so much for your reply. I think it's something that may just come naturally I guess as they pick up terms from new baby x

 

[KeelyT90]

Hi there

I don't have any idea over dad names however I am going through the courts with regards to my abusive ex-husband; unfortunately I did not have as much evidence as would be helpful for these situations. Apparently the courts do care about emotional abuse, so if he is verbally abusing you in front of your child, then I think it would be helpful to record this and flag it as evidence. All police call-outs and social service reports are of use in terms of establishing what is going on.

It sounds like you have already gone through the courts in terms of access orders, but my solicitor was advising me today that you can always go back to court if you think the child is in danger.

Based on his previous history with you, I am concerned how he may react to knowing you are pregnant, so I don't know if you have done but perhaps seek some advice (e.g. from Victim Support) for protecting yourself?

Personally I am considering buying some sort of video camera device for any meetings with my ex in order to prove what goes on in case anything goes wrong with the situation.

On a better note, congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it all goes well & I am delighted to hear you have a lovely new partner - congrats xx

Hey! I also went to the police and was referred to domestic violence teams etc, however, there wasn't much they could do as he hadn't physically hurt me or the baby. Also, in court I couldn't afford a solicitor and he showed up with a barrister. Who basically tried to shame me and accused me of going to the police to build up a case only to show in the courts.
They didn't care that he harassed me on a daily basis. Within the space of an hour one time I had 60+ missed calls of a private number, so as it was private, police had no proof it was him. So I like yourself, did not have much evidence and the magistrates were not empathetic in the slightest.

I have also been considering a camera. One of those car dash cameras. At the moment I put my phone on record in my pocket and record any verbal interaction but he always seems so careful on handover, it's normally over messages instead.

Good luck with your situation though. I hope you make better progress than I did.

In a way I want him to do something so I can report it, but, with previous experience, I know it's useless as all they'll do is take a statement and leave it at that. I wished I could get an injunction or something. It's hopeless for me.

Thank you x