Babies safety, husband contradicting me.

Discussion in 'Baby & Toddler' started by violet13, May 14, 2016.

  1. violet13

    violet13 Well-Known Member

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    Hey ladies,
    We have 3 dogs and our male is possessive over his bone except with human contact our large female was very close and our son crawling on the floor (not what I expected when coming in) our male growled and bared his teeth as our female was too close to him which could of resulted in our son being bitten because my husband just doesn't give a shit he's constantly putting our son in dangerous situations with our dogs I'm always careful and it's always controlled when I do it but if we've talked about something he will do something else completely, he never follows the routine making it very mismatched and honestly the way he's making me feel I don't think I can handle this much longer like I'm just over worrying or being stupid about our boys safety not only our son but our dogs too as they are good dogs but I'm not stupid enough to let him crawl around and try to take their toys from them especially with one close to the other as our female has a habit of taking our males bone off him so he was warning her. He's just not listening time and when I ask him to do something he does the opposite to deliberately be contrary which is infuriating since our son was born he's changed he doesn't care about us anymore he just blatantly disrespects me and he's been calling me fat a lot as in should
    You eat that you've gained weight and it's really upsetting me I hardly eat as it is!! Irghhhh I need help here I really do. Thanks xxx
     
  2. GF91

    GF91 Well-Known Member

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    Your babies safety is paramount. I also have 3 dogs & while mine aren't possesive they do hoon round like idiots at times & one of my boys has knocked my daughter over a couple of times. Your not over worrying at all. Dogs are dogs, but if your son gets caught in middle he may get seriously hurt. Your husband needs to realise this. I trust my dogs completely but one of my males is abit funny with my OH & reluctant to listen to his instructions so normally if I go out I take him with me or he gets shut out the front room. He wouldn't do anything to harm anyone- but he's a big dog and still a puppy & not really aware of his size.
    When I'm not around my OH doesn't follow our daughters routine and Im left to face the consequences when she's over tired because she hasn't napped or he's not given her enough snacks during the day so she's abit hungry. He's still figuring things out for himself so I kind of need to allow him to set his own rules as long as he follows her routine as best he can.
    As for him calling you names. Totally not on. Men do change when babies arrive, they either adapt to it really well, or they struggle. It sounds like your husband is struggling & acting like a child himself. Have you spoken to him about name calling? My OH went through a stage of calling me a d***head- not necessarily being mean, but it really got to me. I spoke to him about it and said that it upsets me & while he may think it's funny- it's really not. Maybe you need to stand up to him abit and tell him to F off? I defiantly feel that we're more sensitive after having babies, and we need the support from our OHs when we are feeling so pants abiut ourselves. Xx
     
  3. Phoenix85

    Phoenix85 Well-Known Member

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    My dog is food possessive. I feed him in the garden or in the conservatory and shut the door so we aren't around when he's eating. He's never bitten but he barks and growls as warning if you get too close and it's not worth the risk so I give him his food and leave.
     
  4. tinselcat

    tinselcat Well-Known Member

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    Hi violet

    Your husband's behaviour is abusive and your son is in danger.

    I'm out at the moment but I will reply more fully later.
     
  5. Blueclass

    Blueclass Well-Known Member

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    Hey I totally agree that your child's safety is most important here. Your husband is taking risks he shouldn't how would he feel if something terrible did happen. Dogs are dogs and they are different to us. They may get startled by noise or anything could happen and make them turn. Also the way he is talking to you is disgusting. I would have told him to get his are out the house until his learnt some respect. Totally not on at all I'm so mad he would do that to someone that has just given him a child. You definitely need to do something it's abusive behaviour. Mentally abusing someone is the same as physically doing it. It needs sorting before you feel to low and become really depressed. Is there someone who can stay with you for a few nights or you take the baby somewhere? I would not be in the same house as that pig whilst being treated this way. Sorry for the pig word but it's just awful. X
     
  6. russellmuscle

    russellmuscle Well-Known Member

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    Exactly this!

    xxxx
     
  7. violet13

    violet13 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks ladies, I already have depression but it's from being in another country and dealing with severe animal abuse it just got too much. He has just changed this isn't the man I fell in love with. I know I have a belly and I know I'm larger than I was but I'm trying my best to lose weight it's not shifting I eat healthily I exercise and my thyroid is fine it was checked. I told him how I felt today and he said to me I always make it his fault and he just smirked like he knew what he was doing, it's begun to anger me in such a way I'm likely to punch him at some point. My son was crying earlier and my husband stopped me from going to him once and then i said to him stop me again I'll snap your wrist got up and cuddled my son who is teething which hubby won't even let me lie in on weekends I still have to get up early because he "works" during the week pffft he sits at a desk all day. He also gets cluster headaches and can be so nasty to me because he's in pain. I don't know what to do we've been married 2 years ffs. Zxx
     
  8. tinselcat

    tinselcat Well-Known Member

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    Hi violet

    I attended a course about domestic violence last year after leaving an abusive relationship. During the course we looked at the behaviour of abusive males, known as "the dominator" - "the dominator is his name, controlling women is his game". There are several different types of abusive behaviour the dominator may exhibit. Your husband is displaying several of these. Some examples of the type of behaviour of these men below:

    THE HEADWORKER
    - puts you down
    - tells you you're too fat, too thin, ugly, stupid, useless, etc
    - constant criticism
    - if you leave you'll be worse off

    THE BADFATHER
    - denies any responsibility for the children (looking after is "babysitting")
    - persuades you to have his baby then refuses to help you care for it
    - says you are a bad mother

    THE LIAR
    - denies any abuse
    - blames drink, drugs, stress, overwork, you, unemployment etc
    - makes false promises
    - makes you out to the the bad person and him the victim

    THE JAILER
    - stops you from working and seeing friends
    - moves you somewhere new away from family etc
    - seduces your friends and family
    - stops you from going to appointments
    - tells you what to wear
    - keeps you in the house

    KING OF THE CASTLE
    - treats you as a servant/slave
    - controls all the money
    - rules - his rules, but they may change all the time
    - everything is done his way

    THE PERSUADER
    - threatens to hurt or kill you or the children
    - cries
    - says he loves you
    - threatens to kill himself
    - threatens to report you to social services etc
    - emotional blackmail
    - says he'll never do it again, will go on anger management course etc

    THE BULLY
    - glares
    - shouts
    - smashes things
    - sulks
    - threatens
    - physical violence

    SEXUAL CONTROLLER
    - won't take no for an answer
    - may reject your advances
    - other bad sexual stuff


    From what you've said I can already see your husband is exhibiting: HEADWORKER (puts you down, calling you too fat), BADFATHER (putting the baby in a dangerous position with dogs, trying to prevent you from going to comfort your baby when upset), LIAR (blames unemployment, headaches, you, & denies any abuse), JAILER (moves you to another country away from your support network), KING OF THE CASTLE (does little and expects you to do all the work despite having your own job) and possibly other facets.

    You are dealing with an abusive man. My ex was the sweetest guy as a boyfriend, he changed after marriage to become controlling and more critical and then his behaviour become very frightening after baby was born. In abusive men, changes after these type of life events (marriage, baby etc) is common. We had been married over 4 years when I left.

    If he is not listening to you and you feel laughing when you raise complaints, then his behaviour is going to get worse. When you say he is smirking when you try to raise his problematic behaviour, that is a big red flag about his abuse and how he views you & him.

    You have done the right thing in questioning his behaviour. Next step: accept you are dealing with an abuser and work out how you can leave the situation.

    Please do not punch him. Because then YOU are the one who is acting criminally, despite his bad behaviour, and then what would happen if you e.g. get a criminal record for assault - how would that affect your job, being carer for baby etc?

    If you can get some documentary evidence of his bad behaviour now then that would be useful for proving in future that what you say is true. Otherwise it is one person's word against another, and abusers are very good at persuading other people that it's not them that is the problem (this will be doubly so if you have punched him). Legally, getting something in writing at the time (not later after you've left a situation) is known as "contemporaneous evidence" and it carries much more weight.

    However, because your husband is endangering the baby with dogs & doesn't appear inclined to change, I personally feel you need to act urgently. What do you need to happen in order for you to leave? If a dog snaps (and they could at any time), they can easily kill a small child. I despair of all those stories where parents/grandparents say "oh but doggy was so lovely, I didn't know he could behave like an actual animal and kill baby". Do you need the dog to go for the baby before you contemplate leaving? I think that your husband has already crossed a line.

    I feel upset when you say you're slightly more overweight than you used to be but you're trying to lose it. That's not the point here. The point is his bad behaviour. And besides, I think even if you weren't overweight he would probably find some other nasty way to undermine your self-esteem and self-confidence, put you down, and keep you depressed.

    I know you say you're abroad - can you say what country you're in - your profile suggests you're currently based in the UK? There are helplines for domestic violence etc, I really think you need to get in touch with professionals who can give you impartial advice and - basically - help you escape an abusive marriage.

    Please note, I did this and it was the best decision I could make, even though being a single mother is hard. Staying with this guy is going to make your depression worse, he's living off you and your hard work while not putting in the effort himself, and he's endangering your baby.

    It doesn't have to be like this.

    You could be (long-term) with someone who is loving and caring. Someone who says you look good, values your opinions, supports your ambitions, does his share of the housework, shares financial responsibility, treats you as an equal, accepts responsibility, admits to being wrong, talks to you, listens to you, is cheerful, is a responsible & equal parent, etc.

    Please start to think of ways you can leave this relationship in a way that is safe for you & baby. xx
     
    #8 tinselcat, May 14, 2016
    Last edited: May 15, 2016
  9. Blueclass

    Blueclass Well-Known Member

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    Have to agree with the above. Reading your story has actually scared me I feel scared for you. It starts with horrible words and can easily lead to him being physical with you. He tried to stop you going to your baby... you need to put your baby's health first and get out. I appreciate it is a scary thought and hard to do but there are agencies that are here to help. The dogs are one issue and ur hubby another but I certainly would not be sticking around. I hope you can come to a conclusion on what to do and keep us updated as I for one will be worried x
     
  10. violet13

    violet13 Well-Known Member

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    I now do not leave him unattended with our son, just because I know he's going to act irresponsibly our dogs are very good it's always a controlled and safe meeting when I let them say hello and interact our husky is protective of him in all honesty and our make has bitten my husband on the bum when he's lost his temper at me so well done to my boy haha. I told him last night of things don't change I'm gone and I'll leave him for good, I've spoke to family they are happy for me to stay with them and I'll be taking my dogs too as yes I know they could snap but I can trust them just never 100% I know that, he's said seriously last night he isn't coping well with such massive changes and I said he needed to get help to cope so we're arranging that tomorrow. We're in the uk now we where living abroad. Thank you all xxxx
     
  11. Browneyed Girl

    Browneyed Girl Well-Known Member

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    Glad you are getting help as there are serious alarm bells ringing here! Putting your lo in potential danger with the dogs although unacceptable could be put down to over confidence/cockiness but stopping you from comforting your lo when he's upset? This is him exerting control over you and deliberately leaving your lo upset - even worse could he be enjoying seeing your lo upset? Smirking when you've complained about his behaviour suggests awareness and a certain level of enjoyment. I hope you follow through if he doesn't recognise the error of his ways asap as your lo is reliant on you to keep him safe. I think you've mentioned ttc again soon, please don't even consider this right now xx
     
  12. Blueclass

    Blueclass Well-Known Member

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    Glad you talked and spoken to family. I would say if he does not get the help or seems to put it of or not make the effort then leave. It might be the wake up call he needs. Hope everything works out for you. X
     
  13. violet13

    violet13 Well-Known Member

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    Oh I fully intend to leave, I lost my shit today completely and smashed a plate in pure fury and said to him I'm like that plate everytime you hurt me a small piece breaks off until I am literally in shards on the floor and you are doing it you don't know what I feel for you anymore I'm beginning to hate the man you are and you will not teach our son that kind of behaviour. Honestly my Oh broke down in tears after that and we talked for a while we talked for hours last night as well. He's been brilliant today can't fault him and our dogs have had play time with our son they bring him a toy and gently pop it on the floor and he picks it up and rolls it to them and repeat we taught the dogs early never to snatch and they never have to be fair but I'm dominant over the dogs and now I'm getting there with the husband he can't treat me this way and expect me to take it. I think he knows he went too far
     
  14. Blueclass

    Blueclass Well-Known Member

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    That's good but crying can be away of them trying to sweet talk us around and try and keep us there. So just make sure he follows it through. Where in the UK are you from? It's good you taught the dogs they sound pretty good but as you say you do need to be careful. X
     
  15. LaceyKeo

    LaceyKeo Well-Known Member

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    Now you've told him you'll leave if it carries on, you have got to follow through.

    I appreciate that you feel more positive due to talks you've had, but, words mean nothing without actions to back them up. If he starts up again, and you don't leave, he's going to think it's okay to continue.
    I would be very tempted to leave temporarily now anyway.
    "Husband, I know you're struggling, and finding this all hard to deal with, but that does not excuse the way you've treated me. It certainly does not excuse you stopping me from tending to baby, and nothing in life excuses you putting baby in danger, whether you meant to or not. You've got some serious things you need to work through, and I can not allow baby to be in harms way whilst you do this, so, I'll be going to stay at (family) for the next (time/weeks/months) until you can prove to me consistently that you've managed to straighten your priorities".
    And go.

    Don't let him manipulate you into the same old pattern.

    People like that are just awful.
    Unfortunately, it's on you to make the change.
    You don't know what you've got till its gone; something he doesn't realise, and won't until you take "it" (his family: you and your baby) away.

    I'm scared for you.
    I'm sad for you.

    Please, find the courage to believe in yourself.
    Do it for your son.
    Do it for you. Xx
     
  16. violet13

    violet13 Well-Known Member

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    Hi ladies, well he's getting help. He sees a counsellor in mental health and the man seems to understand him very well. He had blitzed the house last night, he's been doing the dishes, he's walked the dogs cleaned the garden, had quality time with our son in a safe way and also did dinner and I had only been gone 24 hours id gone to a rent out house, he seems to be doing so much better and he's talking to me with respect and honestly if after a month this continues that's good I want to save our marriage and relationship I don't want him being/ having issues ruin it. Turns out he is v stressed v worried and doesn't want to be uncaring so he's been piling stuff up inside and it's coming out as uncaring which he now knows xxx
     
  17. KeelyT90

    KeelyT90 Well-Known Member

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    He sounds like my ex! What a nasty bugger! Agree with everyone above. It is abuse, mental & emotional abuse is still classed as domestic abuse.
    And as Blueclass says... Crying is manipulation and boy did my ex do the same with me. The only difference is my ex became nasty whilst I was pregnant.

    I had to make a tough decision and left and continued the pregnancy alone. After baby was born it was tough, obviously he had the right to see his child but during contact he was verbally abusive and would not leave. The police were involved, they told me to take a precaution and stop access until he files for a court order because, if there is no court order in place and his name is on the birth certificate, he could take my son and the police cannot do anything as he is the parent.
    I still get abuse from him during drop off but it is in a public place and he doesn't know where we live.

    But I know that leaving was the best decision I have ever made!


    It is only you who can decide what is best for you and your child and the safety and mental health of you both is paramount. Ask yourself, do you want your child growing up hearing how his father speaks to his mother? Growing up thinking this is normal to speak to my mum and girls like this.....

    Good luck, I really hope you sort things out, don't be afraid, when something like this is happening to you, the grass is most certainly ALWAYS greener on the otherside xx
     
  18. KeelyT90

    KeelyT90 Well-Known Member

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    Sorry I posted before I saw this post. Let's hope this is a step in the right direction. I really hope he keeps to the programme and step up to be the man his partner & son need him to be x
     
  19. tinselcat

    tinselcat Well-Known Member

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    Hi violet

    I hope you're feeling better. Like other posters here, I wanted to make you aware that for an abuser, it is typical of them to come up with excuses for their poor behaviour, cry, promise to be better etc after e.g. you threaten to leave. This nice behaviour will last for some time (maybe even months) but it often reverts back to type eventually.

    Obviously I hope in your case that it won't & also it's positive that he's getting some counselling.

    Since I left my abusive husband, it has gone through the courts over family access and my ex-OH is trying to use anything against me, particularly old mental health issues (or the fact I had counselling over miscarriage and again over failed IVF).

    I would hate for your husband to (eventually) do the same, claiming "she threatened to snap my wrist, she smashed a plate and screamed at me, she's got mental health issues, she's the one with the problem not me".

    Knowing what I know now about people who exhibit abusive behaviour, in your situation I would strongly recommend going to your doctor and getting them to record the fact that you have been suffering domestic abuse.

    In my case there was no record of police call-outs or social service referrals until long after I left him therefore it ended up being one person's word against another.

    I wish now that I had some evidence of what I had been suffering, I always rejected peoples' help or thoughts that there was a problem until right at the very end of our relationship when he attacked me while I was holding the baby. I never believed I was at risk, as he was very much a Jekyll and Hyde character and whenever he was nice after being horrible, I wanted to believe that everything was ok really.

    Anyway, it's your choice but you know what he has been like and could be like again, so I strongly urge you to protect yourself & your son should he start to behave badly again in the future. xxx
     

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