Anyone in/been in this situation.....

[lisaspoon]

ok, firstly sorry if this turns out to be long ....

Just to fill you in,.. me and OH have been together for 3 years, basically lived in each others pockets since day 1 and got a house together last year... I'm 26 and OH is 30... this baby was unplanned but we are both really happy and were on the "what will be will be" contraception!

Anyway,...I'm quite impatient and have been aching to get engaged for,...well, the past 2 and half years! I knew from the off that he was the "one" etc... and he told me he loved me after only 3 months of being together..

So, here I am 3 years down the line, house together, bun in the oven and still no ring on the finger... I have dropped hints left right and centre for the past god knows how many years, even watched his friends all get married (he's now last one of them) and my friends have started the wedding thing... even my brother who is two years my junior is getting married in a couple of weeks....

When I first got pregnant I wasn't too bothered, but as the days go on, I'm starting to feel a bit resentful that he hasn't asked yet and I don't think he ever will...... my biggest issue is the name thing. Both him and his mother assume the baby will be taking his name....when we're not even married and not even close with an engagement of sorts! I think my parents feel the same as me (although not directly say it) .... my dad gave him a good grilling (in a nice way..kinda!) at the last wedding we were at.... suppose he's just looking out for his daughter!


I feel so selfish at times for thinking like this.... I dont know why I feel like this..... I guess I just want that extra bit of security before this baby is born OH keeps making jokes about "never getting married" and "a wedding is just an expense".... "why do we need to get married, we have a house and a baby on the way, why do we need a bit of paper" ...........

I just wondered if anyone else had been in this situation etc and what your thoughts were on it..... I had this big picture in my head that we would get married first and then have children, and it all feels so back to front...

 

[LisaJ1986]

Yep. I'm there. Me and OH have been together 4.5 years. He moved in after 3 months, we bought a house 2.5 years ago. Baby already. But things don't look like it'll progress anytime soon.
My mum gave him a time limit of 2 years before next baby, but married before hand. She even told us to clear off and do it. No point making a big deal (which i wouldn't want anyway)
I stopped hinting ages ago. Yet he finds things and shows me. Like "This is what we should do when we get married" Annoying!

 

[lisaspoon]

Yet he finds things and shows me. Like "This is what we should do when we get married" Annoying!

yep! he sat and looked at wedding venues on the internet with me the other weekend and even comments at other peoples weddings "I like that" " or when we get married I wouldnt want that etc"..

annoys the hell out of me!!!!!

 

[EllieBelle]

I cant give any advice on dropping hints Im afraid (My DH proposed after just 6 months together.......and we were married within 18 months).

However I know from various unmarried friends with children that your baby ideally needs to take his name, otherwise when and if you do get married he would need to officially adopt the child - yes even if he is the natural father, and its just a real hassle!!

Definitely something to research into!

 

[lisaspoon]

However I know from various unmarried friends with children that your baby ideally needs to take his name, otherwise when and if you do get married he would need to officially adopt the child - yes even if he is the natural father, and its just a real hassle!!

Dont get me wrong Ellie, I know the baby will take his name, enagaged or not.,..... I think its just the whole "assumption" on his and his mothers part...
I sometimes get the feeling that I dont really matter and this baby is his "get out of jail card" or should I say "get out of proposing" card as he knows (and so do I ) that we cant get married until a few years away now... so I feel that he thinks he can put it off....

I know that a proposal isnt the be all or end all.... but I guess I just want a hint toward that I'm going to be part of this "family" as well.... if you catch my drift!

 

[nori]

Im in a similar situation and kind of given up waiting now. Been together for almost 5 years (with a couple of breaks) I always imagined i would meet someone, get married, have children and live happily ever after! Well his parents split up and he decided marriage was a waste of time. He has since decided he would get married one day (lucky me!)

We had a holiday last year in a romantic log cabin (and i mean romantic.. Griffin forest poachers lodge) yet nothing... we then went away a few weeks ago to another nice lodge.. again... nothing! His excuse if we ever talk about it is that he couldnt afford a ring.. if he started saving months ago then he would have the money by now.

To be honest i now find myself not really that bothered. We will never be able to afford it (literally have no money spare atall and i would like a small do) and I wouldnt be relaxed cos of his trouble making brother in law and the fact our families are complete opposites and probably wouldnt get on well.

It is a shame but hey..I also understand the whole surname thing. Im going with his surname aswell but a part of me doesnt like the fact i have a different surname to my LO.. doesnt seem right!

Claire x

 

[LisaJ1986]

Angel has OH surname and told me to change mine by deed poll to his! Lol How romantic is that?

 

[joj]

I was sort of in a similar situation but am not too fussed about geting married yet, as long as I know we will one day. We've been together for 3 years, moved in together after 3 months and we were both happy so decided to stop the pill and see what happened and Jess did! When his Grandad very subtly blurted out at my SIL wedding 'so as u 2 ain't married, what names the baby gonna have?' I said my OH as 'I would one day too' My OH was happy, MIL shot me daggers, don't think she was best impressed at the thought of me marrying him but tbh when we told her we were having a baby she said 'oh no!' lol.
So don't really have any advice, sorry! I did talk to my OH and told him I did want to get married in the not too distant future, I was happy to have our 'planned' children first but didn't want to wait too long after that and I wasn't fussed about a big expensive wedding or ring so that was no excuse. He laughed and said he didn't have any intention of letting me stay single too much longer-he wanted to make sure I can't escape!lol. My little bro told him he expected him to propose to me within a year of Jess being born else he'd have something to say about it My OH said that was a good timeline so now I'm waiting...lol.

 

[Red_Fairy]

im in exactly the same position, except my Oh is younger then me (im 25 in a couple of months) So ive kind of desided in my head, hes too young to get married lol (he's 23 in January)
The name thing gets to me, i wont lie, both my daughters took his name. I go through stages were ill bug him about it, but then other times it doesnt bother me that much.
I put my foot down through the summer tho, as he wanted the girls christened, im not catholic or any other religion, but OH presumed the girls will be christened, ive refused point blanc. And told him how ive felt alienated in this family as it is (not married, different surname, and the fact both my kids are the image of him lmao - im a spare part i swear! lol ect) and my family then having a different religion from me was a No No.

When i think 'logicly' - marrige is NOT what we need now, we have had a whirlwind relationship (we've also been together just over 3 years) and we have so much on our plate right now, we need to settle first. (having 2 babies in 10 months has took its toll on our relationship - we are still in love, but were also very very very tired.)

Id like to be married, before im 30, dont know why, id just like to, but if the times not right then i wont force it. lol.

 

[KirstyD]

I was the same......but good things come to those who wait!

I'd been with my other half for 5 years when he popped the question recently . We'd been wound up for years by friends and family at weddings and well all the time really about 'so when you getting married then' and he'd always joke that he never wanted to get married.

A few times we got into a more serious conversation about it and he'd realise i'd be worried he meant it that he never wanted to get married because i said well i definitely do and he'd then open up and say he wanted to but was a bit nervous about the whole thing and the big day and all the family issues you get at weddings! I just said to him, look we can do it however we want to, doesn't have to be a big old day and whenever you do it i want it to be a surprise so i wont keep on at you even if all our family and friends do!!

A few years go by and i really started to wonder but on our 5 year anniversary he asked me to marry him and it was such a surprise and so lovely.

I think if you dont make it into an issue, even if you want to really, when he does propose you'll really know its because he wants to marry you not because he feels pressured or because he feels he should now your pregnant and it will feel so much better when it does.

Sometimes these men just need the time to realise it for themselves that its what they want to do, they like to feel like its their decision and they are in control (as they know normally it's us ladies who are he he he)!!

 

[trixipaws]

im in similar situation, i was 26 and my boyf almost 30 when melissa was born, and she was unplanned too. we'd had a house together 3 years by the time i got pregnant. he says those same things! expense, bit of paper, etc etc etc! and also he's seen several of his friends marry and divorce already, so he thinks marriage dooms relationships!

im not too bothered atm tbh, but i think i might like to marry in the future, and ttc also. marriage and ttc are such incredibly grown-up things to do! and when im over 30 (a "proper grown-up"!) i should like to do those things i think. but my boyf feels the same about both- NO WAY! lol will cross that bridge when i come to it i 'spose

 

[Babylicious]

I kept saying about how I didn't want to get married again and he still asked me

 

[Geordie&Bairn]

ok, firstly sorry if this turns out to be long ....

Just to fill you in,.. me and OH have been together for 3 years, basically lived in each others pockets since day 1 and got a house together last year... I'm 26 and OH is 30... this baby was unplanned but we are both really happy and were on the "what will be will be" contraception!

Anyway,...I'm quite impatient and have been aching to get engaged for,...well, the past 2 and half years! I knew from the off that he was the "one" etc... and he told me he loved me after only 3 months of being together..

So, here I am 3 years down the line, house together, bun in the oven and still no ring on the finger... I have dropped hints left right and centre for the past god knows how many years, even watched his friends all get married (he's now last one of them) and my friends have started the wedding thing... even my brother who is two years my junior is getting married in a couple of weeks....

When I first got pregnant I wasn't too bothered, but as the days go on, I'm starting to feel a bit resentful that he hasn't asked yet and I don't think he ever will...... my biggest issue is the name thing. Both him and his mother assume the baby will be taking his name....when we're not even married and not even close with an engagement of sorts! I think my parents feel the same as me (although not directly say it) .... my dad gave him a good grilling (in a nice way..kinda!) at the last wedding we were at.... suppose he's just looking out for his daughter!


I feel so selfish at times for thinking like this.... I dont know why I feel like this..... I guess I just want that extra bit of security before this baby is born OH keeps making jokes about "never getting married" and "a wedding is just an expense".... "why do we need to get married, we have a house and a baby on the way, why do we need a bit of paper" ...........

I just wondered if anyone else had been in this situation etc and what your thoughts were on it..... I had this big picture in my head that we would get married first and then have children, and it all feels so back to front...

Ditto to all that ive been with James for 5 years now and im not expecting him to ever ask
the Jokey things your OH says mirros the words of my man its a waste of money we dont need to get married ive shown you commitment byt being with you and having our baby

i guess hesright and i do feel privilaged and lucky and i know he loves me dosnt stop me wishing to be Mrs Wiggins

what annoys me is he said he would have been upset id Collier had my surname and no his
the why dose he think its ok for me not to have his and my sons surname

hugs for you just enjoy being with your family and one day you may have a suprise hand in marrige i hold on to this too
sarah

 

[leckershell]

I'm in the same boat hun, OH thinks its funny so I've sort of learnt to get over it now and accept it's not really going to happen anytime soon. I get the argument of 'we could invest in a house instead' and 'do we need the extra pressure when we're doing fine at the mo'.

I'm not really fussed about the actual marriage thing, I trust that he's not planning on going anywhere, but it's the name thing. It annoys me having to book a doctors appointment or something, or fill in forms for Master Mann and I have a different surname and have to explain yes I am his mom but the bitching I got when I said we should give LO my name... maybe he should think about it from that view and how would he like to not feel connected to the family.

I said I'd just get my name changed to save him the hassle of getting married but he said I was being silly. Whic h I was... I didn't really mean it, but he's still saying he hasn't made up his mind yet if he ever wants to get married and it worries me that one day in the future he'll turn around and say he never wants to get married, and what would I do?

Sorry rant over but I'm in the same boat and it does suck. xx

 

[clarey]

Oh hun I felt just the same while i was pregnant and got quite upset the day we registered Evas birth and officially gave her OH's surname, but I feel a lot more relaxed about it now. OH and I have been together over 11 years so I really have given up on him ever asking although I do kinda think we will eventually.
I do think these men have the best of all worlds this way but try and not get upset about it at the moment. We hadnt chosen a name when Eva was born so on her tags it says Baby Girl Mysurname which I like but I get a bit annoyed when referred to as Mrs EvaSurname, I just grit my teeth and say yes thats me lol

 

[lauramumof2]

Why dont you ask him? Get it out in the open and take the bull by the horns.
This applies to all of you that are still waiting. Some men need to be directed.

 

[lisaspoon]

Why dont you ask him? Get it out in the open and take the bull by the horns.
This applies to all of you that are still waiting. Some men need to be directed.

I've been told under strict orders that if I asked he would say no as he's "traditional" and the "man should ask"...... quite ironic!!

to everyone whos in the same situation.... I think I'm gonna have a good chat with him about the name thing as I think thats whats bugging me the most. Not fact the baby will have his name, but more the assumption that he/she will have his name.... I dont think he really gets it when I've mentioned it before!

 

[LisaJ1986]

I've mentioned that i don't like having a different name to the rest of my family. So he said "change it by deed poll, it's cheaper!" Men!

 

[lisaspoon]

I've mentioned that i don't like having a different name to the rest of my family. So he said "change it by deed poll, it's cheaper!" Men!

how romantic!!! do you think he would let you wear a wedding dress to the council office to change it?!

 

[LisaJ1986]

I've mentioned that i don't like having a different name to the rest of my family. So he said "change it by deed poll, it's cheaper!" Men!

how romantic!!! do you think he would let you wear a wedding dress to the council office to change it?!

I'll ask him. We have a dress shop in our village and when we walk passed i always look. They have some really pretty ones in the window. He knows i look, and takes the mick. I'm ok at the moment. Just be nice to think in the future maybe we will.