Any advice would be welcome!

[jcox]

Ok here goes...!

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for nearly 5. We have two daughters aged 4 and 19 months.

I honestly deep down believe that our relationship and marriage has run its course. I know this sounds awful but I just don't feel anything for him anymore and I know exactly when this started to happen.

My husband is obsessed with football, he always has been. When our eldest was born (she was literally 2 weeks old) he decided to take an opportunity to manage an under 13s football team. I was a bit worried about how much time it take up as he works full time as it is and he wouldn't be paid for the football but he assured me that it would be fine.

Well to cut a long story short I never saw him and neither did my daughter. He worked all week including Saturday and would then spend all day Sunday at football matches. Then when my daughter was 18 months old I found out I was pregnant again. I had a scan at 10 weeks and all was fine but another scan at what should have been 13 weeks confirmed a mmc. I was inconsolable and heartbroken. We left the hospital and had been told to decide how to manage the miscarriage. I had thought we would go home to talk, grieve etc but he said that he had to get to football training and left half an hour after we'd just been told our baby was dead.

I fell pregnant again straight away with our second daughter, but the morning I went in to labour was a Sunday ..... Football day. So as I was in labour at home, off he went leaving me in a lot of pain and having to look after our other daughter. He said he would be back after the match and if anything happened in the meantime to call him. I managed to hold out until he got back and our daughter was born within half an hour of making it to the hospital.

I know in my heart that was the beginning of the end for me and over the last 19 months I have not wanted him anywhere near me. He's still doing the football so luckily I don't see a lot of him but can't help but think life would be a lot better for me and the girls if we just went our separate ways? I can't get past what he did with the miscarriage and when my daughter was born. Do you think I'm stupid for not forgiving him for that?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. So sorry for the long post!

 

[russellmuscle]

Family should always come first over football so you are not being unreasonable. He sounds very selfish IMO.

Id sit and have a talk with him and if nothing changes then you may as well do what your doing alone. Sometimes space can change things or him just knowing you mean business. Perhaps he can separate the two. One day a week football the rest work and family. He has to realize he has a responsibility to his children and you regardless how much he works or plays and watches football .

I can't believe he left you in labour. Id have thought that was a throw out offense lol.

Seriously though a family runs better with two parents putting in the effort and if only one is then him and his dissapointments will drag you down.

Football is shit anyway? What a waste.

xxxx

 

[jcox]

Thank you for your reply russell muscle I completely agree with you!

I have tried to talk to him and he always says "football is a big part of my life and always will be - you knew this when you met me" blah blah blah. Yes that is true but I honestly thought his priorities would change when we had children. I'm passionate about a lot of things but the thing I'm most passionate about us my kids and it just doesn't seem to be the same with him.

 

[russellmuscle]

Thank you for your reply russell muscle I completely agree with you!

I have tried to talk to him and he always says "football is a big part of my life and always will be - you knew this when you met me" blah blah blah. Yes that is true but I honestly thought his priorities would change when we had children. I'm passionate about a lot of things but the thing I'm most passionate about us my kids and it just doesn't seem to be the same with him.

I had a period after having Jackson where I was a one man band. Did everything and the atmosphere wasn't good. I then one day woke up and had enough and ended it. If I was doing it alone I may as well do it and be happy. Thankfully he stepped up big time helping with nursery fees and taking equal visitation. He had a total attitude change and we gave it another shot and baby 2 is en route. Now he uses his initiative and does things that need done. Our communication is better too so we actually work together raising Jackson. And are currently involving him more with putting Jackson down at night as I've always did it and love it but when the other baby comes I can't do both so hoping to take nights in turns one putting down Jackson and one with the baby. Hopefully this time after the baby we will work better.

Football is a hobbie and interest, not a way of life. It seems a very poor excuse to turn his faults round and say you knew him but the fact is the day your children arrived he should have changed. He should take the responsibility to help before making time for football not the other way about.

I dunno to o much behind the scenes but to me it sounds like he's doing it because you are there giving your all and he knows that. Perhaps it's time to give things a shake up if repeated talks aren't helping.

You don't want to end up resenting him. I've been there and it doesn't create a nice atmosphere to raise babies in. You all should be happy and surrounded by people you can count on.

xxxx

 

[BunnyN]

I believe relationships take work. No relationship will last if you dont work at it. His behaviour is clearly out of line but it also seeems a bit like he hurt you and you closed off from the relationship without ever really addressing the issues. I know you have tried to talk to him but I think its worth having another go at really sitting down and talking to him honestly. Try not to attack him by telling him by telling him everything he does wrong in one go but tell him how what he does makes you feel. Obviously you loved him at one time and you have been together for a long time and have a family so you have a lot to fight for.

 

[jcox]

Thanks ladies for your advice.

Bunny you're right that I have closed off from him completely. I've tried not to and just move on but I just can't forgive him for the things he did because he doesn't actually think he's done wrong. Any time we've discussed it he says sorry and then later he will say that what he did wasn't that bad which then completely undermines the apology!

I don't want to throw the last 10 years away but I am so resentful towards him.

Thank you anyway for your comments - good to hear your thoughts.

 

[BunnyN]

It seems like although you have talked there isnt really honest and open communication going on between you. If you can find a way to break the barrier of comunication between it might really help. I know that is easier said than done though. However it turns out I wish you the best and you have my sympathy. I would be crushed if my husband left me in labour or after we found out about our loss. Does he find it difficult to deal with emotions and stressful situations in general? It almost seems like running off to football is his way of dealing with situations he finds hard. I still dont think it makes it right but it might help explain his actions a bit?

 

[mummywanabe]

After my last miscarriage my husband want to work and left me home with our 2 year old son while I was bleeding and visibly upset, late last year I found him talking to another woman nothing happened between them but their messages were getting increasingly flirtatious when I found out that's when everything came to a head, we went through a rough patch for a couple of months where it could have went either way, only after we properly talked (and we've never properly had conversations like that in our ten years together) did I tell him how abandoned and let down I felt by him when I'd lost our baby really just didn't get it until I told him how him leaving me made me feel, we've been a lot more open and we've definitely been more affectionate and making and effort to make time for each other which has really helped.(I'm pregnant again so obviously it helped) I know it can be hard when u fall out of love with someone but all I'm saying is you can fall for each other again if both of you want that, I can understand how u must feel you're coming in 2nd place to his hobby

 

[Sparklegirl]

I wonder if he needs a shock to the system, by you telling him exactly how his actions are affecting you to the point you are seriously considering leaving him. It sounds like he has got into the way of thinking that his football is the most important thing in his life- maybe he needs told if that really is the case then you wont be hanging around to play second best.

His wife and children should come first, a hobby should not be interfering with his home life and from what you say it seriously is. I just cannot understand how he thought leaving you just after a mc and leaving while you were in labour is acceptable. I wonder if it was his body experiencing it all how he would feel if you had gone off and indulged in whatever your equivalent hobby might be. Personally I find it quite disgusting that he did this, I dont want to over step the mark but he sounds very selfish and unable to see anything beyond his own interests and needs.

I am a qualified therapist and used to see clients (voluntary for a charity I am involved in) twice a week then I had to have supervision and pay for that, plus indemnity insurance as well as registration for the awarding body. After a few years I took a look at life and decided that while I had people depending on me, I needed to make changes for me. We have been married almost two years and TTC, so at Christmas I took the plunge and said I was stopping seeing clients. I wanted to spend some more time with my husband. I must stress that my husband supported me volunteering all the way- he would play on his computer game while I was out so it wasnt an issue for him but for me it was becoming one.

I now get to relax with him and the money saved goes into an account for the 'baby fund' No matter how hard I worked to get qualified or how much the charity needed me or how sad my clients were to see me go, it was time for me to get my family and attempts to get pregnant put above what anyone else needs. Being a people pleaser means I will do anything to help others even if its at my own expense so I had to make a change to improve my own life.

It sounds like this is an approach your husband needs to adopt and pretty fast- at least my volunteering wasnt upsetting my husband like this football business is doing to you but still spouses and children need to come first. I would say talk to him and make him understand that he is in real danger of losing his whole family if he will not make changes- which lets be honest are very reasonable. I hope you get things sorted out x

 

[raisingingrid]

I would leave his ass and make him see what he had. Seems to me he needs someone to wake him up and see the beautiful family he created. You never know what you have until it's gone, and I think that's a lesson he needs to learn. You deserve much better, and so do your kids.