Any advice or support appreciated..

[BettyHoop]

Hi all.

I'm new to this. The pregnancy and forum! I'm only 5 weeks pregnant. It's very unexpected and I'm struggling to get my head round it all. I'm 32 years old and have been with my current partner for only 8 months, we live happily together and I have no previous children.

A bit of background - When I was 16 and with my first partner I fell pregnant. This relationship was physically abusive and without going into all the awful detail I gave birth to a stillborn at about 5 months and had to have surgery to remove etc. I got out of that relationship a few years later and it wasn't until I met someone at 25 that I thought about starting a family properly, he was 14 years older than me and was very insistent so after only 4 months together I came off the contraceptive pill (which I had been on since 17) we tried for a year and a half with no luck and that led to the relationship breaking down.

At this point the idea started to enter my head that maybe I was having fertility issues. Only three months after the end of this relationship I met my next partner and what ensued was a very similar story. Towards the end of this one I really started to become emotionally unstable at the thought that I could not have children naturally and ended up having an emotional breakdown. The last relationship ended very badly with a fair amount of emotional abuse involved (I know, falling in love with bad boy syndrome!) So this added to my emotional state.

In the nearly four years in between these two relationships and the emotional breakdown, and the one I am in now I ended up having unprotected sex with lots of men around my fertile times. I was desperate. Nothing ever happened. I did this for about a year and then sought help for my mental state from the NHS (who I cannot praise enough) and and stopped having intimate relations with anyone and tried to find peace.

It took me a good couple of years but I managed to become a strong independent woman and actually started enjoying my single life and coming to terms with my infertility. I made a life for myself with a childless view of the future and wasn't looking for a relationship.

That's when it happens doesn't it?! I met my current partner and have never felt so content in another's company. He is such a good man I feel so blessed. He wants children. I obviously always have but believed I never could. I couldn't tell him my infertility fears when I met him. I don't know what I thought I was going to do when the time came that he would want to start trying for a family. I guess I buried my head in the sand and tried to pretend everything was normal.

So 8 months down the line I miss my peiod a couple of weeks ago. After everything I've been through my first reaction is just pure joy. My partners first reaction is no way, it's too soon! And that we should terminate.

I have a rather large issue with a termination as you can imagine not just for the emotional aspect but because I am worried that surgery to remove my first left scarring and I will again struggle to get pregnant in the future.

But I am also having trouble getting my head round this huge life change. I have life planned out, I am on the verge of my business becoming successful and never imagined I would have to throw a baby into the mix! My finances aren't great as I'm throwing everything I have into this venture. My partner earns a good wage, but if I go ahead against his wishes will he stand by me? I am worried I will have to move out of our home, lose my best friend (my partner) and not provide a very good life for my child.

I suppose we all have these worries one way or another. And I know some will say talk to him. I find this extremely difficult if not impossible as he has no idea about my past and what I have been through with this. I can't begin to explain it to him. I just can't. I'd almost rather do it alone than have him know all my secrets. How funny I feel I can tell a forum of strangers and not the one I love...

So that's my story. As the title says, any advice or support or similar stories would make me feel less alone in this. Thanks

 

[Maaaaaac]

Didnt want to just read and run. Ultimately its your decision and your body not his. As hard as it is you need to talk to him. It may have come as a bit of a shock to him thats all. Ive heard that nine months of pregnancy is needed just to get your head around having a baby! In that time he may be excited to have a child.

You dont need to tell him your whole reasoning now. Especially as hormones are all over the place. It may be too emotional to have to go through it all but it may help him better understand your decision. If he does not agree with decision and leaves then in the long run would he have been that good a partner? I really feel for you being in this position but you need to stand by your decision and talk to him.
Im sorry ive no personal experience with this but just wanted to comment. I hope you get through this x

 

[Sparklegirl]

Is there any chance you can show him this page so he can read it without you having to tell him and become more emotional? Congratulations on the baby, what I would say is don't throw away potentially your only chance of a baby because he thinks it's too soon. He did play his part in it so can't really dictate an abortion is the way to go. I do hope you get somewhere with it, such a difficult situation x

 

[BettyHoop]

I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday. He assumes they will be able to just give me a pill and it'll go away. He even just this morning tried to call and get a sooner appointment for me to terminate, he seems pretty desperate. Luckily there were no appointments til Thursday. I'm starting to panic and very much starting to feel like a lioness protecting her cub. Have been quietly thinking about packing up and moving out to a friends while he is away working for the next few days. The more he pushes me towards termination the more resistant I become and the less I feel close to him and able to talk about any of it other than just to say nothing now.

How bizarre that life can change so dramatically in the blink of an eye. I guess hormones might be kicking in but I have a rising sense of panic and feel unusually tearful!

 

[Sparklegirl]

From what you say, it sounds like you don't want to have a termination so please don't. Men may come and go but a baby, part of you is forever. If moving out for some breathing space would help, do it. If he didn't want a baby right now he should have used protection. Unless you are a medical miracle I'd suggest that you didn't get yourself pregnant so it's really not fair of him to get you pregnant then expect you to just get rid of it like an inconvenience. You must do what you want not what will appease him. Even if you do terminate, there is nothing stopping him leaving you at a later date and you will have lost your baby because of him. From what I'm reading it's not coming across that you want to do it, so don't. You might well resent him for this and you might be the one to leave him. Listen to your heart, do what is right for you. Terrifying to consider doing it alone but consider not doing it at all

 

[BettyHoop]

Thank you so much for your advice and support. It is so appreciated right now xx

 

[Blueclass]

I had a termination many years ago because the guy I was with wasn't keen yet and his family went on and on at me. At the time I wasn't sure it was what I wanted but looking back for mw that was the best solution. I was not ready to be a mum, had little money and wasnt crazy anout my OH at the time. I was on the pill but somehow got pregnant. I do think it's both your responsibilities as it's not just down to him to put a condom on but also understand that you didn't think you would get pregnant, however maybe this is something you should have looked into once you was ready. I don't mean this in a horrible way but people are very quick to say he should have worn something and I don't think that's fair.
As others have said it is your body and ultimately your decision. I know you have wanted this for a long time so I don't think you should rush into a decision. You really need to think about what YOU want and what's important to you. If you choose to keep the baby and he runs maybe he isn't that great and plenty of other people manage as single parents.
I would say when I went doctors to book a termination I then had to wait two weeks till I had the appointment then a further week to have the procedure.
I really hope you can make a decision based on what you want and don't let him push you into something you might regret.
I also feel you should maybe explain your feelings to him then be may understand a bit more. If you feel you can't talk about it then what about a letter?
Wishing you all the best x

 

[YorksLass]

From what you say about your partner, you believe him to be a good man and to care about you. I think it may be best to have an open and frank conversation with him about why you feel how you feel.
I was also in an abusive relationship as a teenager and dealt with things that I shouldn't have had to deal with at that age, all alone. I was single for 8 years, afraid of relationships and intimacy, and similarly had a breakdown, at which point I sought help for various issues and, like you, eventually felt more in charge of my life and ready to move on and look to the future.
I turned down my current partner many times, but he was persistent and obviously loved me, so I decided to give him a chance! What I find in him is a genuinely loving and decent man who I've learnt to trust, but it took me a long time to explain some of my behaviour towards him and our relationship. When you're first with somebody, you naturally can't tell them everything then, and as time goes on you feel odd about telling them, embarrassed, or fearing they'll see you as too damaged or you'll scare them off - but I found opening up about stuff was the best thing I could have done - he was glad to understand better as he had known there was something not right and was confused, and thinking it was his fault or something. It made us closer.
If you trust your partner and have found a good man, do communicate with him and let him know something about why you feel how you feel, as he may just be confused, as my partner was, without the full story. Listen in turn to his worries and concerns. He might just be scared - my partner still freaked out a little when I got pregnant, even though we'd been trying! I think men never feel they're old or ready enough for fatherhood, he should take his time and think.
If he's still adamant about termination, then you'll have to assess what's best for you. If you think you're struggling with fertility, then that has to be a major factor in your decision. Have you seen a doctor about your fertility worries?
I hope for the best for you - don't fear to talk on the forums if you need! X

 

[BettyHoop]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and support me. You should know your advice has helped. The latest - my partner is working away for a few days but I called him tonight and we had a chat, a more in depth chat than I've managed so far, and he has said that he is only pushing for a termination because he thinks it is what I want. I opened up a little to sat maybe that isn't my truth and he said whatever I decide he will support me 100%!

I haven't yet been able to explain everything about my past to him, but him saying that without me doing so has lifted my heart. I started writing him a letter today before I read your reply blue class. And it contains all the details I have explained here and more. I will send it to him while he is away so he can read it in his own time and when he comes home we can then make an informed decision.

I really can't tell you how much a few strange have helped me today. If I knew where you all lived you'd get flowers delivered!

I feel right now that things are looking up! After our chat my partner said he would like to get a puppy, so that our baby will grow up with an animal! How everything changes.....

I'm going to bed happy. Thank you. Thank you universe

 

[BettyHoop]

Sorry for spelling errors....too excited now!

*a little to SAY maybe

*a few STRANGERS!

 

[Blueclass]

That's really lovely news almost made me cry haha. It's great you have opened up to him and im sure it can only bring you closer. All the best hun x

 

[YorksLass]

That's great to hear - so glad you feel better about it x

 

[Wobbles]

Closed as per the forum rules:

While Pregnancyforum.co.uk tries to remain pro-choice on most subjects, out of respect for majority of our members that are either trying to conceive, or pregnant, we ask that you do not discuss topics on abortion and terminations.