Another MIL Problem!!! Help!!!

[BubbleOne]

Hi Guys,

Wasn't sure where to post this but went with this section because it is kind of about family life.

My OH's mother is very hard work. OH is her only son and she wants him to be perfect. She is one of those that even though she gets free phone calls all weekend, he has to ring her other wise she gets upset (we have to pay for the call).
Loads of things like that. She doesn't see his other 4 children and hasn't for about 8yrs because she fell out with OH and his ex wife. When he got with me they started talking again and we got on fine. Slowly she started to show her true colours though and we both got fed up with her. Her reaction when OH told her I was pregnant was 'Oh no not again' but she did come round to the idea. Then she came down last June and we thought we all had a really good time. Two weeks later we got a letter whinging about how she was so upset we didn't go out for her birthday (had a BBQ in garden) and how we never go and see her (lives over 3hrs away) and loads of other quite offensive S$*t. OH wrote her a letter back outlining our annoyance about her letter and then she wrote back an even worse one!!
OH stopped talking to her then (Sept 2005). And instead of trying to make up she sent him a series of texts giving him altimatums (spelling!) like 'If you don't call me by Friday then that's it' and 'last chance to sort this out' etc and she is quite religious so various texts relating to how OH will go to hell and has no compassion etc!! Although I was pissed off and find her a total pain I didn't fall out with her although we only communicate via E-Mail now.
Anyway last week she E-Mailed me saying she was coming down to MK to see other friends and could her and OH'S stepdad (who is a diamond guy) come and see Phoebe for an hour. OH immediately said 'NO' and I really don't know what to do. If she really cared about Phoebe and her other 4 grandchildren would she not make more of an effort not to fall out with OH?
She seems to like not talking to them so that she gets the sympathy vote from her friends. Sounds mad but it's true.
Quite honestly I don't want people walking in and out of Phoebe's life. They are either there or they're not and how can she be if she can't get on with her only son? She wants him to be something he isn't. In one of the letters she told him 'girlfriends come and go but she will always be there.'
Didn't realise I was going anywhere!!
And she goes to see spiritual healers and they told her that 'I am not OH's solemate and that he will meet his true solemate in the future' and apparantly she knows what her name is but won't tell him!!
Quite honestly I am more annoyed with her after writing this!! Why did I not just fall out with her too?!!!
What do I do? Do I let her see Phoebe or not? Do I tell her she needs to sort it out with OH first? I don't know what to do

 

Personally....I don't think I would. BUT only you can decide. You need OH's blessing too - she's his mother after all and Phoebe is his daughter.

Your call hun... x

 

[Layla]

I think you need to sit down with your OH and talk all this through, you need his say so aswell

good luck hun


xx

 

[BubbleOne]

Layla- OH is very open to talking about this. In fact we talk about it regularly because obviously if we could all get on it would be better for Phoebe.
But OH always comes to the same conclusion - she is just too much high maintainance and he knows if he makes up with her she will soon go back to her old ways and they will fall out again. I don't have a problem with OH choosing not to talk to her. I understand why he doesn't want to!!

I'm just thinking more about Phoebe and what is morally the right thing to do?

My mum says I should let her see Phoebe if she is going to come here. But I just don't feel too comfortable with the thought of her being here knowing that OH wouldn't want her here. He has said 'NO' but wouldn't stop her coming if it was what I wanted but he just wouldn't be here while she was.

Help?!! Really need more opinions and advice on this one?

 

[Layla]

hmm its a tough one hun,

like you said earilr, you dont want poeple walking in and out of phoebe's life, and if she is likely to do that then i wouldnt lt her see phoebe.
but on the other hand, she is her family and shes asked to see her, which by the sounds of it, is a good thing coming from her.

maybe let her see phoebe this time and take it from there?

 

[Rosieroo]

I wouldn't let her see her. I have family that are similar (though not as bad you poor thing). In the long term it will be better for Phoebe - when she is older she wont understand why her nanny is in and out of her life all the time and it will be confusing for her. If your OH doesn't want her to be involved with Phoebe then I would go with that.

 

[hearts81]

I dont think i would let her see phoebe until her and her son are on good terms again.

My Mil currenty has nothing to do with her daughters children- even though they live on the same street- because she fell out with her daughter last year.

When she and Carl fell out a few months ago she never came to see Reece at all until they made up (well over a month) and we live 5 mins walk away!

Your MIL sounds like she could be as pathetic as mine and i know for a fact that mine will be in and out of Reece's life like a yo-yo, so yours maybe too.

(hope this makes sense )

 

[BubbleOne]

Ummmm think I need to just tell her No don't I?

I just feel so guilty but at the same time I can't help but think she isn't that bothered about Phoebe.
She fell out with OH when I was 7mths pregnant so it's not like she tried to sort it out so that she could see her new grandchild.

Any more advice? I'm so torn over this. Really getting to me now

 

[beanie]

I don't know, its tough. When I was growing up I had two sets of grandparents, both whom I loved a lot. Anyhow to cut a very long and boring story short my dad had a very problematic relationship with his mum and it reached a point where she was not allowed any contact with us, and this upset both me and my sister very much as we were too young to understand what was happening. Even to this day I don't see my dad's side very much (though that has to do with other isues). I hated not being able to see my nan and didn't understand why, just because my dad and her fell out, me and my sis had to miss out. I am a massive believer in that a baby should know all their family, but if your MIL and partner are going to keep falling out etc then perhaps it would be best if she did not meet Pheobe. Perhaps if it was agreed that no matter what happened Phoebe could still see her nan then that would be ok but if not it might be too upsetting for her to have her nan in and out of her life??? I haven't been much help sorry but it is a tough situation.

 

[BubbleOne]

Have just emailed her and said no.
She wanted to come round this weekend but I can't let her see Phoebe with out OH's blessing and I still feel deep down that if she truely cared about seeing Phoebe then she would have made more of an effort not to fall out with her son 2months before she was born.

Will let you know if and when she replys to my email

 

[lauramumof2]

You done right bubble, you cant let this type of person into your life and your daughters life. She sounds like a poison and you just dont need that kind of agro.