Am i depressed or just fed up?

[gemmainthesun]

So I need some advice from you all, as I know you understand more than anyone. I think I could be depressed, but what's the difference between depressed and just utterly fed up? Some days I'm fine but I'm not sleeping properly, I'm tired all day then at night I can't switch off, thinking of things and worrying... my jobs not great at the best of times but I'm starting to dread it, but I don't want to leave because I've been there ages and I have friends there and it pays well, but it's mainly commission based so I'm not doing as well cos of how I feel, and then that stresses me out more. But it enables me to save money incase we need private ivf. I'm abit Fed up of being abroad but we are in this ivf process now so we would be daft to go home and start all tests treatment from fresh, plus my husband's waiting on a court case here where he's getting compo, and also he doesn't want to go home we both have jobs here etc, I dunno I feel trapped by circumstances, having a baby would change it all, I wouldn't need to be so stressed over savings, I will get breathing space away from work to figure out what we wanna do, and obviously I'd have our baby which is definitely the main reason I'm stressed.
I broke down to DH today but it's so hard cos he takes it all personally and how can he not, I'm here for him, I'm waiting here for him and I'm going through this for him... how awful for him to have that on his shoulders, feel so bad for him.
I can actually understand how this breaks people up,I'm determined that won't happen to us though, I love my DH and he does me but something needs to give. I'm feeling drained of energy all the time too, I really don't wanna go down the anti depressant route if I can help it or the sleeping pills, feel like a loony!! X

 

[Clairabella]

I was wondering where you were Gemmainthesun- I've missed you!
I am sorry that you are feeling down but it's natural after what you have been through. Do you think you might feel better once you get started on your FET?
I think the in-between apts and treatments is awful as it's like living in limbo land. When do you back to the hospt x

 

[YvonneM]

Oh Hun I totally empathise with you, as I have Seen myself worrying about my state of mind at times!! I really wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it all go away as I would just love somebody to do that for me I have days where I actually feel so positive then I have my days where something like seeing a pregnant work colleague will all of a sudden hit me hard and I start to feel all hopeless again. Was actually worried that I was losing my mind!!
I have booked a couple mini breaks tho for me and hubby which has helped and I've just become so utterly determined that il Mae sure my good days outweigh my bad days if u get me!!
I kno how u feel bout hubby as if he sees me get down he becomes so upset and feels so guilty about the situation we r in which is horrible as of course it's nobody's fault we just have to battle it together!!
I too am really struggling at work and the only thing keeping me there was that I thought I'd have been pregnant by now and would be assured of maternity pay and was soooo looking forward to having 9months off to spend with my precious bubba but looks like il have to wait a bit longer for that now.
Sorry this prob hasn't helped u one bit but jus want u to kno that ur not alone and I'm here feeling prob v similar to urself!!
Have u thought about counselling? I know I may consider it if things get all a bit much for me.

Much love and xxx

 

[megsmeadow]

Hey Gemma, I'm another Gemma! I'll pop a few links on for you one is the mood gym, another is living life to the full online self help. There can be a fine line and I think a gp would help to discuss your concerns and shouldn't just plop you on antidepressants. Early morning wakening is definately a symptom, and sleep disturbance, lethargy, diurnal variation (feeling worse in the morning), poor confidence, motivation and self esteem. But everyone experiences things like these from time to time and its only really when they start to interfere daily function that it is a problem. Don't try to self diagnose because lots of other things can cause the same symptoms, and there's lots you can do to help yourself if it is stress or mild depression.
https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://www.llttf.com/
I'm trained to deliver the second course, and I've used it myself too. Please don't feel alone though, pm me if you need a chat.

G

 

[gemmainthesun]

aww thanks you too, no yvonne u always know what to say, i think cos our situations are so similar. I do know what im feeling is probabaly normal, but only to you girls, to other people i think its so hard to try and explain they just dont get it. My mum and dad were here on holiday and there always saying stuff about us having kids in the future, like its a certainty, and they know exactly what we been going through but i dont think it really registers how upsetting it is or how much its getting to me, i guess on the surface i seem fine. I dont think its just the baby thing, think im abit homesick and fed up of constantly havin the pressure of chasing tergets and not having everyone around me like i did back home... im gonna have to pull myself out of it but its hard when im so tired from not sleeping.
Im not sure when FET is im up there week on fri so will keep you posted.
Im glad you are trying to stay strong yvonne, and i do try too but it is so bloody difficult isnt it. Im glad I have you lot to speak to it does really help xxx

 

[gemmainthesun]

Hey Gemma, I'm another Gemma! I'll pop a few links on for you one is the mood gym, another is living life to the full online self help. There can be a fine line and I think a gp would help to discuss your concerns and shouldn't just plop you on antidepressants. Early morning wakening is definately a symptom, and sleep disturbance, lethargy, diurnal variation (feeling worse in the morning), poor confidence, motivation and self esteem. But everyone experiences things like these from time to time and its only really when they start to interfere daily function that it is a problem. Don't try to self diagnose because lots of other things can cause the same symptoms, and there's lots you can do to help yourself if it is stress or mild depression.
https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://www.llttf.com/
I'm trained to deliver the second course, and I've used it myself too. Please don't feel alone though, pm me if you need a chat.

G

Thankyou will have a look, I dont im actually depressed prob worried and stressed and anxious and just plain fed up lol

 

[YvonneM]

It does sound like it's a combination of everything for uand you've prob just hit overload. It must b more stressful for u that ur going thru all this in a diff country. Jus remember they do say the ones who do not end up with children at the end of all this r the ones who give up and I dont kno about you but im sure as hell not giving up!! Even if it means having to use sperm donors or adoption we will get there!! This will not beat us and we will be the most amazing mothers as we. Have had to go to hell and back to chase our dream which will make it unbelievable when we finally get there xxx

 

[megsmeadow]

Oh and I forgot to apologise for crashing right in to your thread! Depressed or not, look after yourself, if you're mentally stressed your body takes a battering too. You ladies are some of the most resourceful, and well informed folk I know. But going through what you are is enough to test anyone to their limits! Take care! X

 

[gemmainthesun]

hey u didnt gatecrash anything, I wanted advice, so thanks very much
And Yvonne, I wont give up either, no way...but I justneed to find that balance of living my life whilst im waiting for it to happen because I dont want it to ruin my day to day life and my marriage. We will get there for definate!! So many have already on here xx

 

[Clairabella]

Hey lady how are you feeling now? X

 

[gemmainthesun]

yeah not too bad, i gotta just snap out of it and be thankful for what ive got, which is alot more than most. I think I just need a bru and a fag and i cant have either cos given em up lol

 

[Clairabella]

Get yourself some decaff tea and coffee x

 

[YvonneM]

Or a huge slice of cake xxx

 

[Blueflower]

Have some wine later too! Do you book any pampering appointments? I find that reflexology helps and just talking to the reflexologist is beneficial. I have counselling too, been having it for years for something else and its great to unload and she thinks of ways to frame what you're going through to make it easier to cope.

I have also felt that TTC is affecting our marriage, we haven't been trying as long as you, but we have the age consideration to contend with. Do you go out on 'dates' together and not talk about TTC? I always seem to mention it because its about the only time I can get more than a few words out of him (!) but I'm going to try hard not to next time!

The only thing I can think of to cope with it is to look to the future and think that one day all this stress and disappointment will be a memory. I will be a parent even if I have to adopt, and then some of the pain will go away, but if we never have a natural child, some of it will remain, but we will have a family to distract us.

Its annoying when relatives are so certain that you will have a child one day, they do it to be encouraging but it just feels like pressure and you feel inadeqate.

I really hope you feel a bit better soon, it must be so horrible being away from your friends. Sending lots of love.

 

[gemmainthesun]

Thankyou Blueflower, I have been feeling abit more positive last few days, hubbys v good at being positive and he reminded me how great i felt when we got told we have the 3 frozen embryos, he also said if the ivf is end of sept we will just put our holiday back 1 month, we havent booked it yet just got time off so thats abit of a relief because I wouldnt want to push it back till oct time, so worse case looks like sep, which is only 2 months really, maybe they will do it before will just need to see.
We do go out on dates and overall we have a great marriage and sometimes we chat about it when out but only if it comes naturally to talk about it, theres a good chance im starting part time as a teacher here in sept and doing my current job pt so i think that will help, I know youre right hopefully this will all be a distant memory some day xxx