Advice on how having a baby may affect step children

[Chelle]

Hi there,

Looking for some advice regarding my step daughter who is 9 and an only child for both her mum & dad. She is a lovely little girl and we get on really well and spend lots of time together as both a family and just the 2 of us on 'girly' days.

Me and DH have just started TTC and I'm concerned as to how this may affect her. She is very spoilt by both families and spends a lot of time with adults, so I am worried that when a new baby comes along she may be jealous.

Has anyone out there been in this situation? What age were your step children and how did it affect them? Is there a good age??? Did a baby affect your relationship with your step child? (Sorry for all the questions)

I'm not even pregnant yet but this has been troubling me and I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Thanks and Happy New Year to all

 

[Urchin]

I have no direct experience of this but my friend is pregnant and has 2 step children ages 9 and 13. They are both girls, and she was also worried about telling them. They are both absolutely over the moon at the prospect of a new brother or sister, though

 

[Emma58]

Hi

Me and my Oh both have one child each from previous relationships and they have both been fine so far with my pregnancy.
We told them straight away and they have both been really excited my son is almost 12 and OH's son is 7 I try to involve them in things, they both love talking to my tummy and feeling him kick.

I wouldn't worry too much and just take things as they come I was really worried about it causing problems but so far we have been lucky.

 

[Squiglet]

Give me a couple of weeks and I'll tell you

Seriously Tia is 8 and although there was some jealousy concerning the new baby when she saw that we were buying furniture for the baby and painting the room, she got over it when we painted her room and that over the xmas period she got spoilt rotten and the baby only got one or two baby gros and they were really "my" presents.

Tia spends lots of time with adults too and is quite spoilt. We will have to see what direct interactions occur at the time the baby is born, but in general she's dead excited at the prospect of having a baby sister... (sister was better than brother apparently, but she was just as excited)...

Now if she asks me when the baby is coming one more time, I might be back to having just one daughter when the baby is born... but she is very happy.

We told her that because half of my blood is in her.. and half my blood is in the baby that makes them related and proper sisters.... also it kinda makes her related to DH because half his blood runs in her sister... she seems to accept that.

 

[Chelle]

We told her that because half of my blood is in her.. and half my blood is in the baby that makes them related and proper sisters.... also it kinda makes her related to DH because half his blood runs in her sister... she seems to accept that.

Thanks for sharing that. I think that's a lovely idea.
All your comments have really made me positive so thank you ladies

 

[Babylicious]

Just make sure she feels included, I would suggest once you have baby that you still have a bit of girly time together

Paris is nearly 8 now and not biologically my hubbys so sort of going through the same thing Kids adjust fast and you never know she may love a little sibling

 

[budge]

i think it will be good for her. shes old enough to understand shes not the centre of the universe. Im sure she will enjoy the fuss and company of a baby.
try and include her in the name choosing etc. You could have loads of fun choosing clothes in the next directory etc. ... make it a positive thing. which is what it is .

 

[Chelle]

Thanks Budge. I hope she will see it as a positive thing. Thanks for the advice, it is much appreciated

 

[paiges_mummy]

my partner has 2 boys from a previous relationship ages 12 and 9

obviously this will be his 4th, but my 2nd baby im expecting.... They didnt seem to be jelous or anything.

 

[samandbump]

My Oh has a daughter from a previous relationship, she has always been the centre of everyones attention, since we told her we are having a baby she has been really off with me and hardly speaks to me anymore!! she is only 6 so it must be hard for her to understand that her dad will be someone elses daddy too,i have explained that we all still love her and she is always going to be involved because she is very special she is a very jealous girl and has said the new baby will get all the attention and that she doesnt really want a baby brother , i do feel for her but she is playing up a bit as the due date nears and has everyone fussing round her to make sure she is ok, i know im the adult here but i cant help feeling a bit upset that she is behaving like this and taking the attention off me and the baby

 

[budge]

Thanks Budge. I hope she will see it as a positive thing. Thanks for the advice, it is much appreciated

you're welcome.

 

[Chelle]

she is a very jealous girl and has said the new baby will get all the attention and that she doesnt really want a baby brother , i do feel for her but she is playing up a bit as the due date nears and has everyone fussing round her to make sure she is ok, i know im the adult here but i cant help feeling a bit upset that she is behaving like this and taking the attention off me and the baby

I'm sorry she is being like that hun. What a shame. This is the exact thing I was worried about. I would feel exactly the same, and I think as an expectant mother you deserve some fuss and attention!

I am worried that by the time we manage to concieve and the baby finally arrives DD will be 10/11 and heading toward that crazy girl stage, when they just start secondary school and begin to get stroppy!! As yours is only 6 I guess there is never a good age.

If you don't mind me asking, how is your OH reacting to her being like that?

 

[Squiglet]

My Oh has a daughter from a previous relationship, she has always been the centre of everyones attention, since we told her we are having a baby she has been really off with me and hardly speaks to me anymore!! she is only 6 so it must be hard for her to understand that her dad will be someone elses daddy too,i have explained that we all still love her and she is always going to be involved because she is very special she is a very jealous girl and has said the new baby will get all the attention and that she doesnt really want a baby brother , i do feel for her but she is playing up a bit as the due date nears and has everyone fussing round her to make sure she is ok, i know im the adult here but i cant help feeling a bit upset that she is behaving like this and taking the attention off me and the baby

I think that it has something to do with the age ... 6 is still a little girl.. a child... but by the time they reach 8 they are entering tweeny stage and they are much more mature. (its quite scary how much they mature in two years) For one, the things you get for the baby, are well just that, for a baby...

The things that Tia was jealous of because of this baby was the cot... and that was because she wanted a new bed too (one of these ones with a sofa underneath)... But being older we were able to explain to her that she already had a bed but the baby had nothing... so would have to sleep on the floor... Plus her bed would cost a lot more.

Although at 8 they still have a child like views, they are older and more able to be reasoned with... So while the "child" was still jealous, the young lady Tia is becoming was able to understand the baby needs a bed too, and it needs to be a cot.

I know someone who had daughter from a previous relationship who was 11 when the new arrival came along, and her daughter just wasn't interested. She had moved out of the doll stage completely and was on the verge of becoming a teenager. She never wanted to be involved with the baby, but wanted to go out with her friends. While her mum found the attitude upsetting in a way, its understandable that an 11 year age gap between kids is massive.

Theres a 10 year age gap between me and my sister, and she is so much further behind me that I've never played with her or been interested in her life much. I cared for her, changed nappies, fed her etc, but when she got old enough to do all that for herself... then she went her way; I've gone mine. Its just a generation between us. I've also never been jealous of what she gets, yet I have always been jealous of my brother, because there is only 5 years between us. They aren't my biological brother and sister either, they are adopted.

 

[samandbump]

she is a very jealous girl and has said the new baby will get all the attention and that she doesnt really want a baby brother , i do feel for her but she is playing up a bit as the due date nears and has everyone fussing round her to make sure she is ok, i know im the adult here but i cant help feeling a bit upset that she is behaving like this and taking the attention off me and the baby

I'm sorry she is being like that hun. What a shame. This is the exact thing I was worried about. I would feel exactly the same, and I think as an expectant mother you deserve some fuss and attention!

I am worried that by the time we manage to concieve and the baby finally arrives DD will be 10/11 and heading toward that crazy girl stage, when they just start secondary school and begin to get stroppy!! As yours is only 6 I guess there is never a good age.

If you don't mind me asking, how is your OH reacting to her being like that?

He is been very supportive of me and trying to talk things through with his daughter , we think her mother is filling her head full of rubbish she is an evil woman so im not totally upset with the little girl, she is usually lovely and i know she is probably just nervous, i am going to do everything in my power to make her feel involved and as special but i feel i am fighting a loosing battle when her mother is saying things like babies get all the attention and we wont have as much time for her anymore

 

[Babylicious]

Sam - Paris is much like that now at nearly 8, we've had some behaviour from her and comments like "he gets everything" but once he's here it will be a different matter. Could just be fear of the unknown?

 

[samandbump]

thats what im thinking babylicious
i think its just a case of wait and see

 

[Chelle]

I'm glad he is being supportive, that's good. Has the little girls mum got any other children? I think that's awful that she would say things like that to her own child. There is nothing positive to gain from doing that. She is obviously twisted or still very bitter over the situation and probably jealous of you.
Hopefully when the baby is born all the little girl's fears will melt away and she will just be so pleased with the new arrival that she will forget all about what she has been told

 

[samandbump]

no she has no other children, she didnt even really want the daughter she has,i think she sees her as an inconvenience on her life she hardly ever spends time with her and is always looking for someone to leave her with, for holidays etc it makes me really sad and angry she is blessed to have a child and just seems to take it for granted its a good job i have enough love and time for my own child aswell as hers

 

[Chelle]

Awww that is awful that her mum is like that. She is lucky to have you in her life and I'm sure she really loves you and will be glad to have you as a stepmum as she is growing up