a really long post, sorry, please help

[pinkjumper]

I know I only ever post miserable messages on here, but there we go. I've tried to find another forum which is more appropriate for what i'm feeling but this place seems to be the safest, and I'm scared of getting loads of angry replies or people telling me off.

i'm now 10 weeks pregnant. Yesterday I left my partner, and I don't think I can go back. I think I have to break up with him, and I just don't know what to do, or where to turn. I'm back staying at my dad's, and me and OH have barely spoken for 2 days since our massive argument. it ended with him threatetning to smash up all my belongings if i left the flat. but i left anyway.

a bit of history
1 week before i found out i was pregnant, i also found out he had been lying to me about taking drugs. Actually worse than the lying, was the fact that I had been feeling really paranoid about what he was doing/where he was going/what he was up to. I confronted him about this because weve had some issues in the past about all this stuff.

He swore on his life he wasn't up to anything. He told me that I was probably just feeling paranoid because of before, and that it was ok for me to be a paranoid person, he could deal with it. he acted all supportive and nice.

The next morning i went for a walk and i said to myself, but I'm NOT a paranoid person! What is going on here???? I told myself i would check his phone ONE TIME and if i didn't find anything i would accept that i had a mental problem and move on.

I checked his phone and found messages about him going to pick up drugs - THE NEXT MORNING AFTER he had reassured me that he wasnt up to anything.

i was so angry - i should have left him then. he apologised, he promised never to do it again, he promised to be honest in the future, all this -the usual - that gets me back or wins me over .

he has no respect for me, and he would rather i feel paranoid and crazy than tell me the truth.

When we argue, he tells me constantly that I 'talk s**t' that i don't know anything about the real world, he makes fun of the way i say things, also i am afraid of his temper.

He has 2 children by 2 different mothers, 1 he sees, 1 he doesn't, but he HATES both the mothers with a passion. he calls them slags and bitches and talks about shooting them, stabbing them. once he said 'if my daughter ever did that i'd stab her'. i nearly walked out then and there...but stupid me i didn't. i am afraid that he talks about those things because he is capable of them, though he has never been violent to me. or to the other women as far as i know.

Now listen, no doubt whatsoever I am a FOOL to be in this situation. i can't believe i am pregnant, i am still in total shock, but the worst thing about the pregnancy has been this total knowledge hidden in my heart that i am with the wrong man and that i shouldnt be with someone who intimidates me, who im scared of. who lies to me and spends my money without really ever giving anything back.

i just do not know what to do. I dont want to become the next woman he hates with a passion. i don't want to send my child off to be with a father who takes drugs and talks about stabbing people. i feel like an idiot for EVER trusting my OH, but what can i say? i loved him and this stuff all dripped out slowly, and i never had the strength to let my love die because of things he said or did. i think its dead now tho.

prior to my leaving our home, which is an unsuitable living accommodation for a baby, our 'great plan' was for me to move away, alone, and care for the baby by myself until he has sorted out some other situations he's got going on. i feel so betrayed by this. it's like the whole pregnancy is MY responsibility, but at the same time, he is being VERY controlling about it. He wants to know where i am, and keeps making veiled threats about how this 'wont be another child he doesnt have anything to do with, theres no way in the world he would let that happen'. yet...at the same time...he wont move in with me and help look after it.

i'm so confused. i want to bond with the idea of a baby, but i have started thinking about terminating the pregnancy. i'm so sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, delete it if so, but i tried to look for abortion forums and there is nowhere like this where people are kind and supportive.

any advice really would be so much appreciated. i know this is a terrible thing to say, but i feel like if my OH died tomorrow, i would totally have the baby - no question. It is the idea of him being involved, and me having to cope with him for the rest of my life that i can't deal with. I have felt so trapped SO SO SO TRAPPED for the longest time, it's like i've just got out of prison, but now i'm scared of him even more because the safest place felt like 'on his side' and now if i come out as 'against him' then all hell might break loose.

NB i know at some stage i need to think about why i was ever in this relationship...but i havent got time to question it right now. what I really need to work out is - WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

 

[Jayjay027]

If your OH is how u say he is, you were absolutely right to leave him. So kudos for that!

Secondly, you should take a few days to work everything out in your head.
If he is on drugs, spends your money etc, go to court for full custody. If he insists on seeing the child, arrange for it at a contact centre where you know your child will not be exposed to drugs.

I don't really want to mention *the other thing* but if you are seriously considering it, you need to take time out and evaluate every possible outcome.
Write it all down so you don't muddle your thoughts.

It wouldn't hurt to seek professional advice, because you're going through a really tough time and a professional may help to organise your thoughts better and help you think clearer.

Hope everything works out for u x

Sent from my BlackBerry 9800 using Tapatalk

 

[pregpixie76]

have u considered talking to womans aid?they dont just deal with battered women they also deal with emotional abuse issues and would be handy to have on your side if u really dont want this man in your life,to which i say good for u because he sounds messed up and not a real fan of women.
talk to your mw or dr if u are serious about not having the baby. u will be sent for counselling to decide whats right for u.good luck with your decisions.xx

 

[Loula]

Ive followed your posts fromt he beginning anf in my opinion you have done the right thing in leaving him...
As forthe other thing, i think its a choice only you can make but do you want to tgo through with it to regret it?
Im also going to be a single parent and to be honest its the best thing ive done, i felt a little like you at the beginning but the amount of love i felt at my 12 week scan was unreal.
Your other half sounds like a complete waste of space and needs to get himself sorted before he even thinks of coming near to you.
If he tries anything then call the police, get an injunction put towards him and then when ababies born go for full custody.
I really hope you work out what your going to do and its all for the right reasons. xxx

 

[laura.roper]

In my opinion u shouldn't talk about abortion on here think of the poor women that have lost or loosing a child right now I suffer with OCD and I'm so obsessed something's bad going to happened to my baby its took me ove yr and a half for this miracle to happen as to ur oh u sound like u have done the best thing go to ur docs Hun get some counciling x

 

[kanga86]

I don't want anyone to get into trouble but this is in the rules:

While Pregnancyforum.co.uk tries to remain pro-choice on most subjects, out of respect for majority of our members that are either trying to conceive, or pregnant, we ask that you do not discuss topics on abortion and terminations.

So please try to refrain from talking about this subject.

Pinkjumper, I hope u manage to sort out ur problems with ur oh. But if u don't want him to have contact with ur child then u can sort this out with the help of citizens advice I would have thought xx

 

[TeeUK]

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I really do fear for you. I think you made the right choice to leave him he does not spund like a stable person. As the other ladies have mentioned there is a lot of help out there for women in your situation you don't need to face this alone. I know the thought of having a child by a man that you no longer love and are in fear of will be so very difficult. But...this is YOUR baby a precious life that depends on you for it's very breath. I know if I was in your situation I would not let anyone come between me and my baby. However no one can make that choice for you, it has to be your choice not something you do out of fear, you will regret it otherwise. There is a chance that he is full of hot air and says things hoping to scare you so you didn't leave or challenge him. Of course if he does start harassing or threatening you phone police so it's on record

I was a single parent 18yrs ago, the father used drugs and drank alot and even threatened me with a knife when I finally left...however after a few weeks he left me alone to do his drugs and drink, he never contributed or bothered with our daughter until she turned 18. About a year after I left him he met someone else and had 3 kids with her! She had to deal with his drugs and drink and still does to this day!

Give it time, don't make any rash decisions about the baby...be strong you've come this far xx

 

[kirstymichelle]

I would say you have done the best thing for you and baby , its hard to leave someone you think you love , but a fresh start is what you need.
Having my daughter made me! it gave meaning to my own life . If your scared of him i'd get help from an organistion. You are very strong! Keep at it and everything will be fine x x

 

[misscrazycooki]

you need to get outside help in to protect you and baby from this man, as it sounds like he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. Just drugs.

Sadly my partner is a little like this I left him once and he cleaned up for 2 weeks then I stupidly let him have some and the mess started again. If you get social services involved they can assess the situation and can prevent him from seeing you or baby forever in the forseeable future x

Its all up to you hun. But drug addicts rarely change I'm still waiting after two years of lies. I am pregnant too and don't think I could handle two young children on my own. My partner isn't that bad at times but does get like yours threatening people and saying nasty things. Men eh x

Hugs x

 

[vixxie77]

I really feel for you hun Leaving him was the best thing you could do. Don't be scared of being a single mum, it'll be the best thing ever! I know you don't really want to be tied to him for the rest of your life. Could you not move away and not tell him where you've gone? It's just an idea. You need to go and speak to someone, like the other girls suggested. I think there is also an organisation called Life, that are against terminations, that help ladies like yourself x x

 

[Sunbeam638]

I'm so sorry to read you are going through this. It would be worth speaking to someone as soon as you can. You have made a big step in leaving him thus far so all the best with everything xxx

 

[furbaby]

I don't want anyone to get into trouble but this is in the rules:

While Pregnancyforum.co.uk tries to remain pro-choice on most subjects, out of respect for majority of our members that are either trying to conceive, or pregnant, we ask that you do not discuss topics on abortion and terminations.

So please try to refrain from talking about this subject.

Pinkjumper, I hope u manage to sort out ur problems with ur oh. But if u don't want him to have contact with ur child then u can sort this out with the help of citizens advice I would have thought xx

Whilst refraining from THAT conversation- it really is a decision you can make and you need the appropriate support to make the right decision for YOU, whilst you'll find this forum supportive and friendly at the same time most people will have a strong bias against, making it difficult for any of us to give a truly fair opinion- which is why I would certainly talk to your dr. and he can put you in contact with some one who can counsel you unbiasedly and help you through this time.

Good luck xxxxxxxx

 

[pinkjumper]

thanks everyone, and yes im really sorry for talking about the wrong things. it's just hard to find a supportive forum about *that* online, and i suppose maybe what i wanted was people to give me the positives of being a mother etc etc and i sensed i might get that here.

i'm being strong so far, we spoke briefly today, i told him its definitely over, but he didnt seem interested in talking about the baby or how we would handle it. he said he needed time to think about it so i will wait and see what he says next.

i think i better leave this forum now, i dont want to bring people down or make them anxious.

but thanks for all the help, good luck everyone with your babies i wish you all the very best.

 

[Kirsty.Y.84]

It probably seems like now the only options you have would both be incredibly hard but if you stay with him, your child will be brought up with a father that does drugs and if you are scared of him now imagine how scared you'll be when the ban arrives and there are 2 of you to think about.

If you leave, you can start afresh with your baby and like some of the others have said, being a single mum is not the end of he world. Surely there are laws about letting a child see its father, i.e if father is taking drugs or is violent, surely he would be allowed to see the child?

Is there any family you could stay with? Or move a bit further away so you don't have to worry about seeing him?

Whatever happens you will cope, and once your baby arrives your love for the child will keep you going.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do xxxx

 

[Maria1977]

First of all massive

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation, you really don't need all this stress on top of being pregnant.

From what you have said I think you are 100% right to leave this 'man'. He sounds like a very scary individual hun, and while he probably has good points it sounds like he has way too many bad points to be a good father... atm anyway. I wouldn't want to bring my child into the world with a man like that, you shouldn't be afraid of your partner. You should find love and support from them.

He lies to you and would rather make you out to be paranoid and losing the plot than admit to what he is up to? That there is enough to show what he is really like!

I think that you need to be strong now. Big deep breath. YOu have done the absolute right thing, I know it can't be easy, feelings are involved and nothing is straight forward when you care for somebody. But now you have to look forward. I think that now you have put some space between you and your OH you can now start to focus on becoming a mother.

Your dating scan must be coming up soon and honestly, when you see that LO on the screen that is when you really bond for the first time. I did with my son and this time also. Before then it didn't seem real at all.

Just keep strong hun and give yourself time. You are dealing with alot and cna't be expected to feel 100% positive in your current situation, but you will get there.

xxxxx

 

[misscrazycooki]

It probably seems like now the only options you have would both be incredibly hard but if you stay with him, your child will be brought up with a father that does drugs and if you are scared of him now imagine how scared you'll be when the ban arrives and there are 2 of you to think about.

If you leave, you can start afresh with your baby and like some of the others have said, being a single mum is not the end of he world. Surely there are laws about letting a child see its father, i.e if father is taking drugs or is violent, surely he would be allowed to see the child?

Is there any family you could stay with? Or move a bit further away so you don't have to worry about seeing him?

Whatever happens you will cope, and once your baby arrives your love for the child will keep you going.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do xxxx

My partner smokes weed and has had violent episodes towards me. Nothing major just pushing screaming and being a bully. I have social services involved as he promised to clean up his act when I came back to his flat. He is tryign to get help with a shrink and all that jazz. But the social services do work with us and have warned me if he doesn't change soon then he will be removed from the family home until he has changed. As my son is going under child protection act thingy x But they don't like to split familes up just only if they have too.