A quick miscarriage story - please read

Discussion in 'Coping with Miscarriage & Loss' started by Tigeress, Mar 3, 2016.

  1. Tigeress

    Tigeress Well-Known Member

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    Hey everyone,
    I don't really write in this section that much cos it's painful to read all your sad stories and remember ny own, sounds daft but it like I grieve for us all.
    Anyway I thought I'd finally suck it up an write a thread.

    I found myself first pregnant in 2013 at the end of the year, I was over the moon as we both wanted this baby so much. I was in shock and happiness throughout my time and found that thinking of finally becoming a mother was to be the final making of me, I had my career my home and my pets and me and my partner were just waiting for our last little miracle and finally someone had granted this. I didn't do any shopping as I was to nervous and walking into the shops made me on edge as I didn't wanna jinx anything. Family pounded my head with questions such as names and traditions so I happily went along and finally around 5 weeks I started to perk up and not worry. I had stopped smoking so was naturally stressed and craving a fag sometimes which I done well an never caved. Everything went into place. I went to my doctors meetings and liked my midwife, pummelling her with all sorts of questions. But of course our happiness was short lived as when I was 11 weeks and 2 days I miscarried. I stood there in shock as I saw this blood. It wasn't alot but I feared the worst was about to happen. Which it did, minutes felt like hours and days felt like years waiting to find out what was happening. And sadly I was told I was miscarrying. The miscarriage was quite straight forward and I had contractions which lasted all night and then I passed the sac, I didn't need an operation. My 7 year relationship ended not long after.

    Life plodded on as it should but inside I was missing something, the family I should of had. Until I met someone new, I fell pregnant. I was utterly petrified, petrified I'd loose the baby but also petrified I'd have to go threw hell again. Life with my new partner wasn't like my previous, he was controlling and abusive an I knew in my heart and my head I would be raising the baby alone at some point. But for the time being I remained calm, I booked myself a private scan and saw my baby, the heartbeat and even the heart flickering, I stared at the screen, not wanting to take my eyes of it, fear of looking my angel. Life once again prodded on and I began to relax myself once more. Until one week I didn't feel pregnant anymore. M mum thought I might of been trying to detach myself from the baby because of what happened previously. Although I wasn't in a great relationship and would get out of it I still wanted this baby and I definitely didn't wanna miscarry. But sadly once again, I started to bleed. Was rushed into hospital, they wanted to leave it but my mum shouted and demanded a scan, she got her way an I was put in for a scan the next day, I saw my baby. Bigger, fuller, with no heartbeat. I stared. Numb. Looked away. Couldn't face it once again. What had I done wrong? The nurse said my baby only measured 8 weeks and I was spose to be 11 weeks and 6 days. How could I have let another slip through my hands? I had this feeling all week that I didn't feel pregnant, now I knew why. Symptoms had gone and I felt normal, was that the start of a mother intuition already? I went home numb and empty. The contractions lasted 3 days this time an pain wen on for a week, I was rushed into hospital twice due to severe bleeding, the sac was coming out in pieces. Which is why I was now walking back through hell..
    After my miscarriage I ended my relationship as he hit me not long after I lost the baby, he hadn't hit me before but it wasn't a which when he did. I left and eventually met my new fiance who is the Apple of my eye. I was an emotional numb wreck when he met me an piece by piece I built myself back up with his help. I thought of my babies everyday and often wished to be with them and hoped someday I could of seen them, even just for a minute. I got engaged an we decided to start trying. It's coming up for a year soon an I keep wondering if it will happen and if everything will be ok. I have been through some dark and disturbing times in my past and I have met the devil in my dreams, I am so happy with my life now, surely it is my time to shine, it is my time to be a mother?

    Thank you for reading, I know it's long. I could of gone into more depth and spent more time but I didn't wanna bored you. Anyone who is about to go through what I went through an needs someone to talk to then feel free to message. Time is a great healer for physical pain but is it for emotional?
    My heart is with you and my prayers are with your angels. You see sometimes we make them to perfect and God decides to take them back.

    And to my angels, I know I messed up after you went but it was hard yanno, it was cruel to be given a hint of something and for it to be taken back. Life is cruel and I think you were to perfect to join this planet, to unique and to graceful. And if you being in heaven is what was meant to be then I guess I will have to meet you there, mummy is doing ok now, she knows the word grief and she also knows that she loves you both more then anything. I don't know what your dad's are doing but I know that the next baby I bring into this world will be the one that smiles up at you both just like me. This daddy will be 10x Better then yours. There's not a day I don't think about you and know that I will always miss you. I look forward to meeting you both and I love you, until we meet again - it'll just be longer then we hoped.

    For all you wonderful women.
    Peace and hope is what I had to pray for xxx
     
  2. broody2013

    broody2013 Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry you had to go through this and your losses. You are very brave to post on here and I hope it has helped you in some way. xxxx
     
  3. Tigeress

    Tigeress Well-Known Member

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    Thanks broody, it did make me feel Better it just takes time I guess. Hoping the next will be a sticky bean for me, don't think I could take it again xx
     
  4. Tina18

    Tina18 Well-Known Member

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    Sorry about your losses Tiger, it really helps to write things down and share how your feeling

    I wish you all the luck and lots of baby dust xxxx
     
    #4 Tina18, Mar 8, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2016
  5. Tigeress

    Tigeress Well-Known Member

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    Thank you Tina. Mothers day was hard as I guess it was for most ladies who have had Mc, but hoping we get our miracle baby this year xx
     
  6. Tina18

    Tina18 Well-Known Member

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    Yes Mother's Day was really hard, March is hard for me as there are so many birthdays (including mine) my first pregnancy would have been due this March and I will be going through medical managment tomorrow for my second!

    Life sucks at times but we will get our rainbow babies at the end! Xxxx
     
  7. Tigeress

    Tigeress Well-Known Member

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    Sorry for your losses to hun, yanno saying that I always wonder weather to think of them on the mc date or the day I found out I was pregnant or the day I was due. So I enjoy up thinking about them both on all days. I think Mc should be made more aware of an more research done before the 12 weeks xx
     
  8. Tina18

    Tina18 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks hun xx

    Yea same here :) I agree! I think it could save the NHS millions and stop a lot of heartache! Xxx
     
  9. Tigeress

    Tigeress Well-Known Member

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    Exactly with my first, by the Time I got to the scan baby had gone and my womb measure the right amount for it to be called a Mc. The second baby was there and no heartbeat, was spouse to be 11 weeks but only measured 8 so I've guessed baby wasn't growing properly. I mean I had a private scan at 7 weeks and everything ok so about a week later everything stopped happening. It's so frustrating we have to think of ways to explain it to ourselves! Xx
     
  10. Tina18

    Tina18 Well-Known Member

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    Ah bless you xxx I know ive come up with so many reasons my head is going to burst !!! I'm going to write down all the research I've done on my phone and put it all down in a book as my oh is getting fed up of being being on my phone all the time !!! ️Xx
     
  11. Tigeress

    Tigeress Well-Known Member

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    Haha aww bless, I have my own kindle as I bought it cos my lil sis decided to break my iPad, so I keep all my info on there since my phone broke. Can't wait to write the words bfp! And I know how you feel you go through everything in your head right down to smelling something and wonder if that was the cause! Xx
     

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