Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum. I'm an older 1st time mum after IVF, and last week my BF of 3 yrs left. He initially made out it was due to arguing ( we very rarely do but he always takes an argument to the extreme and won't talk for days)...this time he stayed out late 3 times in a week and once overnight which he NEVER does, leading for me to say this cant go on and he said fine & moved out to his mums.While I never suspected him of being a cheater EVER, I found some texts from a girl (work colleague, apparently has a BF) before he moved out, he was telling her our 'issues' plus i know he met with her on one of the nights he was out with others from work. I now know he's been staying out & not at his mums....last week we talked, he wouldn't accept any blame but wanted to come to the scan this week and said he does love me but feels we can't get past this. It's ridiculous, I've gone from what I thought was a wonderful happy relationship to absolute despair....he was supposed to meet to 'talk' today but didn't call, phone switched OFF ( never before) and that's when I contacted his mum n found out he's been staying out. I'm so, so sad and desperate, thought nothing could come between us.....love him so much yet he's treating his 20 week pregnant partner like this?? please help, has anyone else been through this torment? So sorry for the long post guys.......
20 weeks, so distressed and scared.....
- Thread starter Oranges
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Oh you poor thing! You must be so distressed! He's a coward for not telling you what's going on! I would leave a voicemail if he's not answering or his phone is switched off saying you need to talk to him ASAP. Get the facts - he owes you to tell you the truth then you can go from there. If he's cheating which is totally unacceptable he needs to tell you. Big hugs we are here if you need to talk xxx
Kaedin
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I think some men realise when their partner is pregnant or once baby is here that they really arn't ready for the responsibility of a child. I'd leave him alone, don't contact him and let him go out ect. It's hard I know, but what if you really needed him and his phone is off? Clearly he's just being selfish. So you take a step back and try and enjoy yourself. Try and get out with some of your friends or have a nice night in ect.
I've just broken up with my partner of 5 years when my daughter was 3.5 months old. It's tough but it's so much easier doing it alone than having an immature partner dragging you down the whole time.
Hopefully after a little break he'll realise your child is the most important thing. Hope your doing ok xx You can message me if you ever need to chat
I've just broken up with my partner of 5 years when my daughter was 3.5 months old. It's tough but it's so much easier doing it alone than having an immature partner dragging you down the whole time.
Hopefully after a little break he'll realise your child is the most important thing. Hope your doing ok xx You can message me if you ever need to chat
Thanks four your advice and support guys.......he finally called me tonight after I'd finished a 12 hr shift on 2 hrs sleep last night with worry. He started by saying he can't see a way past (again) and why was I bothering his mum (!), but he landed himself in it when he said I'd visited his mum this morning!! I didn't, I phoned her last nt.....meaning he stayed out again.
I asked him to stop being a coward as it was obvious he was seeing someone else....he then admitted it! Said it wasn't the girl from work, it was someone he's just met Friday and he said ITS MY FAULT AS WE WERE ARGUING AND I THREW HIM OUT!!
Then continued a huge talk where he said terrible things...eg I asked how he could do this after constantly saying right until we argued how happy he was, how in love he was........he said ' maybe I was bored, I don't know....'
Totally devastated as there's no way back now. He knows this as I divorced my ex in 2006 after discovering he cheated and never wavered on that decision, despite the heartbreak at the time. Guys, I took me 4years after my ex hubby cheated before I was ready to open my heart again- hence meeting this guy and producing the wonderful, late in life IVF miracle that is kicking inside now-and I've been crushed to pieces BIG time now.
To be honest, now reality has set in I'm just angry that I've got a connection with that piece of crap for my life......He doesn't have a car, or a house, he's 35 and is living in a box room at his mums with no plans to get his own place! Boy, he REALLY must have wanted out!
Oh, and....I put the phone down after he'd told me he was seeing someone else and he texted to say if I dare stop him from seeing the baby-which I did not say- he said he'd seek legal advice.
What do I do now? So numb and devastated......
I asked him to stop being a coward as it was obvious he was seeing someone else....he then admitted it! Said it wasn't the girl from work, it was someone he's just met Friday and he said ITS MY FAULT AS WE WERE ARGUING AND I THREW HIM OUT!!
Then continued a huge talk where he said terrible things...eg I asked how he could do this after constantly saying right until we argued how happy he was, how in love he was........he said ' maybe I was bored, I don't know....'
Totally devastated as there's no way back now. He knows this as I divorced my ex in 2006 after discovering he cheated and never wavered on that decision, despite the heartbreak at the time. Guys, I took me 4years after my ex hubby cheated before I was ready to open my heart again- hence meeting this guy and producing the wonderful, late in life IVF miracle that is kicking inside now-and I've been crushed to pieces BIG time now.
To be honest, now reality has set in I'm just angry that I've got a connection with that piece of crap for my life......He doesn't have a car, or a house, he's 35 and is living in a box room at his mums with no plans to get his own place! Boy, he REALLY must have wanted out!
Oh, and....I put the phone down after he'd told me he was seeing someone else and he texted to say if I dare stop him from seeing the baby-which I did not say- he said he'd seek legal advice.
What do I do now? So numb and devastated......
What a horrible piece of work he is. I really feel for you and I'm so sorry a man has let you down this way again.
Yes you may have a tie with him as he's your babies father but with the way he's behaving at the moment I question how much of a father he will be and in reality the involvement he will want with the child, he sounds extremely immature. The good news is you don't have to have any contact with him until the babies born so you've got 20 weeks to focus on you and your baby and in feeling better. Cross the bridge of his contact with your child once he or she is here, and this can be on your terms. When your baby is here in the first few weeks you nee to be able to have the time to concentrate on yourself and the baby. It's HIM who has made it this way - not you so don't listen to any of his crap!
I would for now (and I know it's so easy for me to say this) tell him you want no contact with him at all but that you will update him by text of any developments to with the baby scans etc. He can't argue with that. Try as much as you can to focus on the lovely time you have ahead of you - I know it's not how you thought it would be in the sense of being single, but it will still be lovely.
Has his mum said anything about it? Do you have much support from friends or family? Someone who you can go baby stuff shopping with? Xxx
Yes you may have a tie with him as he's your babies father but with the way he's behaving at the moment I question how much of a father he will be and in reality the involvement he will want with the child, he sounds extremely immature. The good news is you don't have to have any contact with him until the babies born so you've got 20 weeks to focus on you and your baby and in feeling better. Cross the bridge of his contact with your child once he or she is here, and this can be on your terms. When your baby is here in the first few weeks you nee to be able to have the time to concentrate on yourself and the baby. It's HIM who has made it this way - not you so don't listen to any of his crap!
I would for now (and I know it's so easy for me to say this) tell him you want no contact with him at all but that you will update him by text of any developments to with the baby scans etc. He can't argue with that. Try as much as you can to focus on the lovely time you have ahead of you - I know it's not how you thought it would be in the sense of being single, but it will still be lovely.
Has his mum said anything about it? Do you have much support from friends or family? Someone who you can go baby stuff shopping with? Xxx
Hi, reading your post I can totally understand what you are going through. I found out about 5 weeks ago that my ex was sleeping with someone else. I had just had my 12 week scan and we have two other children together. He was constantly out late at night before this and then told me we needed a break, next thing I find out hes with someone else.
I do know one thing and that is you are so much better off without him, I totally get how you are feeling though. You can do this on your own, let that little baby of yours keep you strong. If you need to chat please feel free to message me xxx
I do know one thing and that is you are so much better off without him, I totally get how you are feeling though. You can do this on your own, let that little baby of yours keep you strong. If you need to chat please feel free to message me xxx
Thanks so much anna.....I've a bit more clarity now and feel calmer just 24 hrs in. Will not be contacting him at all!.... apart from to update the scan details. Whilst I've got to get through the hurt and shock right now, I know that I'm really concentrating on me and the baby. I also really understand that when the time comes I have to be firm about what is best for baby....and I'll hopefully be breast feeding so he won't exactly be taking baby overnight etc!
The logistics of this are a nightmare (box room at his mums over 10 miles away and he has no car!) but I have plenty of time to see what he's going to do about that situation.
His mum is a bit daft ( there i said it!).....don't think she's ever said 'no' to him his entire life, hence the selfish & immature behaviour! When we were arguing weeks back and i'd seen these texts, her suggestion to me was we needed to separate and 'just date' again...but hang on, we've been together years and erm, I'm pregnant!
Then when I was so distressed the other night she said ' look if he's seeing someone else there's nothing you can do about it'....yet previously she's been excitedly rubbing my bump & talking baby names. Does she realise that her sons awful behaviour has now changed her future grand child's life, and how she will see the child?? I laugh now at what she said but was really pissed off at her at the time.
She'd defend him to the end, which I suppose as his mum I can't blame her for, but I just wish she'd given him a good slap for his behaviour instead!
I do have wonderful friends and family, my best friend is coming to the scan tomorrow....nervous! And I ordered the nursery furniture last weekend when out with a friend.
Lots of friends have been warning me that he may come back with his tail between his legs....especially when baby is born. I know it's horribly raw now and have plenty of time, but still have worries about this.....? thanks again x
The logistics of this are a nightmare (box room at his mums over 10 miles away and he has no car!) but I have plenty of time to see what he's going to do about that situation.
His mum is a bit daft ( there i said it!).....don't think she's ever said 'no' to him his entire life, hence the selfish & immature behaviour! When we were arguing weeks back and i'd seen these texts, her suggestion to me was we needed to separate and 'just date' again...but hang on, we've been together years and erm, I'm pregnant!
Then when I was so distressed the other night she said ' look if he's seeing someone else there's nothing you can do about it'....yet previously she's been excitedly rubbing my bump & talking baby names. Does she realise that her sons awful behaviour has now changed her future grand child's life, and how she will see the child?? I laugh now at what she said but was really pissed off at her at the time.
She'd defend him to the end, which I suppose as his mum I can't blame her for, but I just wish she'd given him a good slap for his behaviour instead!
I do have wonderful friends and family, my best friend is coming to the scan tomorrow....nervous! And I ordered the nursery furniture last weekend when out with a friend.
Lots of friends have been warning me that he may come back with his tail between his legs....especially when baby is born. I know it's horribly raw now and have plenty of time, but still have worries about this.....? thanks again x
Nat.....so sorry to hear you've been through the same thing, how did you find out and how have you been with him since? It must be so terrible as you have to keep contact for the children now, not just in 20 plus weeks I guess. Has it got any easier for you? Xxxxxx
He might well come back with his tail between his legs (especially once he realises the reality of the fact he's in his mid thirties, living with his mum in a box room and all the amazing things he's turned his back on) but you don't know how you are going to feel then, it's bound to be an emotional roller coaster for a while but remember you have time. You have time for him for (if he does want to come back) for him to prove to you he means it etc. After the way he has behaved you can take as much time as you like to decide what you want. Cross that bridge when you come to it. It sounds like you've got wonderful
support which makes a huge difference. His mums behaviour is outrageous! I will always be here for my son, no question but if he did something like that to a woman yes I'd be there for him but he would get a big talking to! As you say if she's never said no to him he's been raised thinking his actions have no consequence - but this one does! A huge consequence that he will never be a full time father to his child - and seriously what did he expect?! At the moment it sounds like you're well shot of him, but I do really empathise with the pain that comes with this.
Let us know how you get on with the scan, are you going to find out the sex? Xxx
support which makes a huge difference. His mums behaviour is outrageous! I will always be here for my son, no question but if he did something like that to a woman yes I'd be there for him but he would get a big talking to! As you say if she's never said no to him he's been raised thinking his actions have no consequence - but this one does! A huge consequence that he will never be a full time father to his child - and seriously what did he expect?! At the moment it sounds like you're well shot of him, but I do really empathise with the pain that comes with this.
Let us know how you get on with the scan, are you going to find out the sex? Xxx
Hi all, thanks so much for your reply anna....
It is strange how a few days gives a different perspective! I'm feeling a bit better and a but more positive. I went for my 20 week scan today with my friend- baby was doing well, no problems on the scan and baby was doing turns and stretches! It was so wonderful to see, very emotional......no, I'm not finding out the sex!
I texted his mum to say the scan showed all was good and I'm sending a scan pic in the post.....I explained that I'd deleted his number, which I have...I know I could message him on Facebook or something but it was just easier and more structured this way.
Afer discussing stuff with friends and getting other views, I know wonder if he has met someone else or if he was trying to just hurt me ( weird I know but he's just not the type to go and meet a random girl and tends to lash out at me so much when he's hurt)....which doesn't excuse his atrocious behaviour and still means its all over but it's somehow made me feel slightly less dreadful?
Like you've said, I have many weeks to just get myself feeling better and happier about the separation before the little one comes along! I actually hope he gets his act together and gets is own place but would drop with shock if that happened!
So anyway, I'm just so relieved and happy that all was good on the scan, it was bittersweet to be honest, I know I told
him to stay away as I didn't want upsetting further....when I was there I was so aware that it should have been a special moment for us.....but he's messed it up big time! Xx
It is strange how a few days gives a different perspective! I'm feeling a bit better and a but more positive. I went for my 20 week scan today with my friend- baby was doing well, no problems on the scan and baby was doing turns and stretches! It was so wonderful to see, very emotional......no, I'm not finding out the sex!
I texted his mum to say the scan showed all was good and I'm sending a scan pic in the post.....I explained that I'd deleted his number, which I have...I know I could message him on Facebook or something but it was just easier and more structured this way.
Afer discussing stuff with friends and getting other views, I know wonder if he has met someone else or if he was trying to just hurt me ( weird I know but he's just not the type to go and meet a random girl and tends to lash out at me so much when he's hurt)....which doesn't excuse his atrocious behaviour and still means its all over but it's somehow made me feel slightly less dreadful?
Like you've said, I have many weeks to just get myself feeling better and happier about the separation before the little one comes along! I actually hope he gets his act together and gets is own place but would drop with shock if that happened!
So anyway, I'm just so relieved and happy that all was good on the scan, it was bittersweet to be honest, I know I told
him to stay away as I didn't want upsetting further....when I was there I was so aware that it should have been a special moment for us.....but he's messed it up big time! Xx
Pleased to hear your scan went really well, it is a special moment going to scans etc but he is clearly too stupid to realise it. One day hopefully he will realise what an arse hes been but it will be too late.
I haven't seen or spoken to my ex in a month now, looks like hes not all that bothered about seeing the children, doesn't surprise me I guess, he didn't have much involvement with them when he was here. Clearly he is having too much fun with his new women which is fine, one day the children will realise what hes like. My son doesn't ask for him, doesn't care because he never did anything with him and was never around anyway and my daughter is still too little. I am trying to do everything now to start a new life, if he wants to see the kids he'll have a fight on his hands because he is an unfit father and I will prove that in court. Some men should just never be fathers xxx
I haven't seen or spoken to my ex in a month now, looks like hes not all that bothered about seeing the children, doesn't surprise me I guess, he didn't have much involvement with them when he was here. Clearly he is having too much fun with his new women which is fine, one day the children will realise what hes like. My son doesn't ask for him, doesn't care because he never did anything with him and was never around anyway and my daughter is still too little. I am trying to do everything now to start a new life, if he wants to see the kids he'll have a fight on his hands because he is an unfit father and I will prove that in court. Some men should just never be fathers xxx
Nat, it sounds like your ex is a nightmare....how the heck do you cope, when he's not even had contact for a month? I don't expect contact with mine now ( mainly because he'll be having too much fun either with another woman and/or reliving his youth- really pathetic) but then again, we don't have any other children together! So I don't expect any contact....but it just shows what sort of a person your ex is.
So if the scenario arose where he showed up in the future, saying he's really sorry, wanting to work it out, what would you do??
Have you any support from friends etc? Xxx
So if the scenario arose where he showed up in the future, saying he's really sorry, wanting to work it out, what would you do??
Have you any support from friends etc? Xxx
Hi all,
It's been a few weeks yet I still feel really down. One minute I'm so angry then the next I'm sad and weepy. I know this is 'normal' but don't like it at all!
Heard nothing from him apart from him texting thanks as I'd sent the scan pic. This was another 'middle of the night' text, as he was probably letting me know he'd opened the post when he'd got in from another night out....who he could be out with makes me feel sick.
His mum then texted me to ask when the next scan was. I replied that I don't know, as I don't ( when all was wonderful & he came with me for our 12 week scan & appointment the consultant said I'd need a 28 and 34 week scan ? as its IVF and I have a blood clotting disorder which I take meds for ).
The past few days though, I've come to a decision that even if there is contact from him,in a few weeks/ months etc, I won't be replying even to that. What right does HE have to walk out, taunt me that he's seeing someone else then randomly ask in so many weeks how the pregnancy is going? I know that I can't cut him out completely though and will update if I do get another scan, otherwise it will be at the birth near christmas now before we speak. Even that makes my stomach churn.
Guys, how can I get past this? How the hell can I ever look at him again and see him hold our baby, when I know how evil and terribly he has treated me? I just don't know what to do....I feel worse now.
It's been a few weeks yet I still feel really down. One minute I'm so angry then the next I'm sad and weepy. I know this is 'normal' but don't like it at all!
Heard nothing from him apart from him texting thanks as I'd sent the scan pic. This was another 'middle of the night' text, as he was probably letting me know he'd opened the post when he'd got in from another night out....who he could be out with makes me feel sick.
His mum then texted me to ask when the next scan was. I replied that I don't know, as I don't ( when all was wonderful & he came with me for our 12 week scan & appointment the consultant said I'd need a 28 and 34 week scan ? as its IVF and I have a blood clotting disorder which I take meds for ).
The past few days though, I've come to a decision that even if there is contact from him,in a few weeks/ months etc, I won't be replying even to that. What right does HE have to walk out, taunt me that he's seeing someone else then randomly ask in so many weeks how the pregnancy is going? I know that I can't cut him out completely though and will update if I do get another scan, otherwise it will be at the birth near christmas now before we speak. Even that makes my stomach churn.
Guys, how can I get past this? How the hell can I ever look at him again and see him hold our baby, when I know how evil and terribly he has treated me? I just don't know what to do....I feel worse now.
