1st home visit - it went okay?

[BabyLover]

Hello Everyone

We had our first home visit yesterday and she was here for nearly 4 hours!! It was a very eye opening thing and we learnt things about us, that we thought we was not. For example she thought we was very in each other's pocket, because we do everything together and don't spend time on our own...and I sat back and thought that's right we do things together all the time and don't spend time with friends, but that's how we have been and it shouldn't be that way I suppose because we are like a very old married couple lol I actually thought the process was very invasive with our personal lives and it was hard.

She has suggested we move into a bigger property, as we currently live in a 2 bedroom first floor flat (even though it is very spacious) it does not have a secure garden and is not within easy reach or local amenities like playgroups etc....(I thought she was wrong lol) The other thing is when we have moved into the property, to give it 6 months before we contact them back to proceed further with the adoption, as she wants us to make more friends within the area? I thought to myself how do you make friends in a area that is very village like and everyone knows each other...? She suggested join local clubs etc....

All in all she was a lovely person and she said we was a lovely couple who had a good chance with adoption, but because we are still young, to have a think about it as adoption is a hard and long process and we have plenty of time to come back to adoption whenever. Basically live our lives first! We actually sat down together last night and spoke for about 2 hours to each other, asking what each other thought and wanted. So we have decided to carry on with decorating our flat up, start saving and buy a car (I got driving lessons for Christmas off hubby, so for me to pass) and enjoy our lives and in the meantime continue to loose the weight and you never know we may conceive naturally! We are 26 and 28 years old and it does make you think, because there's still loads of things we both want to do with our lives!

What do you all think, are we doing the right thing? Do you think us putting the adoption on hold is the best thing?

Donna xx

 

[Gizzy Kelly]

Hi Hon

What an interesting thread you have posted. I could not read it quick enough!

I am glad you feel happy after the visit, but I would not analyse yourself and your hubby too much. I think it is really lovely that you spend a lot of time together. I am like that with my hubby too just like my own parents. Everyone is different and everyone has a different way of living in relationships.

I have to say i don't agree that just because you don't have a larger house with a garden then you need to look for something bigger. That is much easier said than done. What you have sounds fine... and the whole thing about making friends??. i am sure you have plenty of friends so what difference does that make anyway. We live in a village and have the support from our family so i don't understand the meaning behind that??

In any event I am pleased she told you that you have a good chance of adaption. That is great news and congratulations. I hardly know you but I am sure you would make great parents. From the sounds of it the ball is in your court. Only you and your hubby can make that decision. If you want to carry on ttc then go for it then see what happens, if you really want to adopt then go full speed ahead. If you are not 100% sure then wait. I would say that a 28 and 26 year old would be mature enough to have children, buit if you both feel you have thins to do then wait. I ahve to say I am 32 and I still feel as though there are loads of thins I want to do with my life. Are we ever really that ready 100%???

I found your thread really fascinating and it gave me a good insight into what to expect with apoption. I never knew you have to go through such a process.

I wish you all the luck with your decision making... and will be interested to see what you decide to do.

Love Gizzy xxxxx

 

[BabyLover]

Thanks Gizzy

We can still go for the adoption with the place we have, but that wouldn't look good when it goes to panel...and she suggested it would be a better idea to move to some where bigger and in a area closer to our relatives where there is going to be support network. We are ready to have children and yes there are things in our lives that we want to do and some things we may not be able to do if we have children, but like you say when are we all 100% ready.

It is very eye opening and it actually made me realise that there are more things in life I want to achieve and do and perhaps having children will get in the way and be harder??? But then if we put off the adoption process, we may become too comfortable with what we already have and turn out to be really old for adoption lol It swings two ways and we have a lot of more things to discuss, perhaps us making a list of the pro and cons in life?

We have friends back in our home town, but because that is like 60 miles away and we rarely see them it don't give us a good social network for the panel on the adoption, because you have to also prove you have a close knit network of friends and family nearby. Where we live now we only have 2 set of friends and rarely see them, because we are always together and don't make time for them I suppose and they have there own busy lives as well.

I don't know my head is all over the place at the moment and don't know what to decide.

Thanks for the advice x

 

[LouiseB]

I dunno, i have the feeling that she was blowing smoke to try and test to see how badly you want to adopt by putting some obsticles in your way and seeing how you cope with them and if they do indeed make you reconsider adoption.

I think you either have to be prepared to do the things she suggested, justify why they are not necessary or stop going for adoption for the moment.

I mean, why does the house need a spare bedroom? It doesn't.

Why do you need to live close to family and friends? You don't.

If you disagreed about the proximity to local amenities, then you should have said so

That said - it did do what she hoped it would do and make you seriously reconsider your options before a child is involved and that is exactly what you have done

I think it's good that you are both now realising that there are other things you want to do before having a family and it's just a case of doing them.

Conceiving your own child really isn't unlikely if you both manage to shift the weight

I think it sounds like the home visit did exactly what it was meant to.

 

[BabyLover]

Louise - You got it in one, your right!

Thanks for the advice x

 

[sarah1]

Hi

I can see why all this has made you confused! Its so difficult to know when the time is right, especially if you are LTTTC as it gives you too much time to consider whether or not its the right thing! It sounds like there are some things you want to do...but then I also know the adoption process can take years...hmm, like I said I can see why you're confused.

In our marriage its a bit different as hubby is 36 and I'm only 26, so really he wants to have a family sooner rather than later whereas I could technically wait 10 years - but I'm glad we didn't as with all our problems we'd have been screwed! We haven't started the adoption process yet but we are thinking of booking an appointment with an adviser soon to get more info and then probably starting the process towards the end of this year. I know I'll find the bit where they look into your private life very difficult!! I hate being told how to live...eek!

Are you and your partner unexplained fertility? or something else?

I hope you come to a decision soon and things seem a bit clearer. xxxxxx

 

[mrspc]

This is fascinating!

I agree with Louise, I think they will be pushing you to ensure you are certain it is what you want.

It must have been hard to have someone commenting on your personal life and it does seem unfair that so many people who have their own children aren't subject to such scrutiny (although in some cases it's a shame that they're not!).

I wonder what hey'd have said to my OH and me? Our house isn't the most child-friendly but we can't afford to move for a while so we'd just have to cope - as do many people.

It has made you think and that's always a good thing. Good luck with whatever you decide xxxx

 

[laurat]

Interesting read Babylover. After hearing that I have a 2 year wait for IUI I thought right Im going to see about adoption as if it has a couple of year waiting list then if the fertility treatment doesn't work then we should maybe get the ball rolling now as 4 years from now we will be nearing our 40's. However, our local council will not even consider you untill you have compleyely finished fertility treatments for 2 years!!! Man give us a break world!!!

 

[BabyLover]

My hubby has unexplained Fertility - Low sperm count, which they cannot find a reason for.

Thanks

Hi

I can see why all this has made you confused! Its so difficult to know when the time is right, especially if you are LTTTC as it gives you too much time to consider whether or not its the right thing! It sounds like there are some things you want to do...but then I also know the adoption process can take years...hmm, like I said I can see why you're confused.

In our marriage its a bit different as hubby is 36 and I'm only 26, so really he wants to have a family sooner rather than later whereas I could technically wait 10 years - but I'm glad we didn't as with all our problems we'd have been screwed! We haven't started the adoption process yet but we are thinking of booking an appointment with an adviser soon to get more info and then probably starting the process towards the end of this year. I know I'll find the bit where they look into your private life very difficult!! I hate being told how to live...eek!

Are you and your partner unexplained fertility? or something else?

I hope you come to a decision soon and things seem a bit clearer. xxxxxx

 

[BabyLover]

Went gym last night and we both let off some steam...

We are still in two minds, so we may take a weekend away to relax and clear our minds, then decide when we get back.

Thanks to everyone for your support and comments

Donna xx